#actuallydbt

When she finds that she cannot simply erase these bad feelings, she becomes even more frustrated or guilty. Since feeling bad is unacceptable, she feels bad about feeling bad. When this makes her feel worse, she becomes caught in a seemingly bottomless downward spiral.”

~ From I Hate You, Don’t Leave Me: Understanding the Borderline Personality

This was me today. I was using all my skills and getting nowhere. Instead of accepting that, given the circumstances, there are always going to be bad days, I got cranky and frustrated when I couldn’t make myself feel better or break the funk. 

Thankfully, it finally registered what was going on. So I let myself back-off a little on the study. I took some time to just feel sad and be okay with it. I took some deep breaths. And then I got on with life. 

It’s easy to forget that the goal of DBT isn’t to stop the feelings, it’s to stop the reactivity. So today, despite how much my BPD brain wanted to tell me otherwise, was actually a good day. It was a DBT skills win, because I didn’t react and I didn’t make things worse. This is healing. 

It’s not perfect and it’s better than it was.

Mindful breathing is your anchor in the storm. Bring your attention away from your head and down to your belly, so that you’re no longer thinking and imagining.

Just follow your breathing closely.

Remind yourself, “I have passed through many storms. Every storm has to pass; no storm stays forever. This state of mind will pass.”

~ Thich Nhat Hanh on mindfulness from How To Sit

Today wasn’t without its challenges, but the big positive was that my friend, J, and I got kicked out of ICU around 9am because there was nothing to do. It took all of about five seconds for us to grab our bags, sprint the 20m down the hall, and crash through the doors out of the ward. 

We went to grab a coffee and, with a little prodding from him (okay, a lot), I told him everything that’s been going on. 

It was so nice to have a friend listen with empathy and without judgement. After last time of trying to talk about where I was at and the horrible response I received, I’ve been shy and steered clear of the topic. Last time brought up so much shame for me (if you’ve forgotten, one friend called me stupid for hanging onto the relationship and the other had nasty things to say about the boyfriend. Things that just aren’t true).

But J listened, validated what I was feeling, and told me that he was hoping for a storybook ending for me (as much as we both know those aren’t real...); that maybe the boyfriend will call soon and it was just a break he needed... 

It was nice to have such a gentle and warm friend to lean on. He told me that he’d been worried about me since the hospital allocations came out. That was weirdly nice to hear. I’m not used to people worrying about me... If that makes sense in any way...?

There were some pretty powerful waves of anxiety this afternoon though, but I carried on. I wanted so much to message or call him (the boyfriend, not J)... Somehow I didn’t. Instead, healthy eating, pilates, being productive and focused at work, and then study. It took a little RAIN and some Metta Mindfulness to calm those waves down enough to stay productive, but it was small effort with skills, for big difference in feelings. 

Today was a win. 

If uni budget means I can’t afford to go out and eat, this was a nice alternative post-yoga in an empty house, on a lazy Sunday afternoon.

Trying to be skilful and build as many positives as possible... Even if I am on my own.

I got an ask yesterday, inquiring as to how I got diagnosed with BPD. There was a lot of personal information involved in the ask, so I decided not to share it but rather to just respond on here (usually, unless someone specifically asks for it to be private, I would just post).

Mine was a typical BPD story, in that I went through a couple of different diagnoses and every kind of therapy before a psychiatrist finally said, “Oh yeah, that’s BPD.” It’s kind of sad how many people have a similar story. I see people in group who are ten and fifteen years younger than me and I get a bit envious. I spent so many years chasing help and getting nowhere. The main thing though is that I’m here now. 

What led to the change in diagnosis was that last year I was seeing a psychiatrist, mostly because the uni were concerned that my anxiety and depression were going to impact on my performance at school. At the time I was still trying to adjust to being in a distance relationship and just having these wild moods that were completely dependent on how long it had been since I’d heard from the boyfriend. It took her several months to tell me it was BPD - initially I was just told it was depression and anxiety - and then six months to get into DBT. It would’ve been longer with the DBT but I was relentless in chasing down a programme. While I was waiting for a spot in a program, I devoured every book I could get my hands on to educate myself on BPD, DBT, and what was realistic in terms of recovery. 

If you have any doubt at all, I recommend you see a psychiatrist for a formal assessment. I had many psychologists and GPs throw different diagnoses at me, but it wasn’t until I was assessed by a psychiatrist that I got some answers that fit and got on a treatment path that worked. 

It would be easy for me to keep rambling, but that’s probably the general gist of my story. Feel free to ask questions if you have any. 

He said he would try to call today. Let’s be real: accepting him for who he is means accepting he’s the type to be distracted by something shiny, so it may not happen today. Whether he calls or not, I wanted to be prepared for whatever arises inside me.

Our first real chat will be such a test of what I’ve learned in the last two months while we’ve been on pause. It’s easy for me to tell him things are getting better, but he’s heard that from me before... now he needs to see change.

More importantly, so do I. I want to see that I’ve changed. I’ve turned so many corners during this pause - like trying to solve an evil BPD labyrinth - that if at the end of our conversation I can’t see improvement in myself, I’m not sure it will matter to me whether he can. My brain space has changed so much that I now really am doing this 100% for me - something I couldn’t say two months ago.

I don’t want to put that pressure on myself, but it’s hard not to...

Yesterday, a few hours after he called and once I was sure I wasn’t just high on “boyfriend contact,” I sent a phone coaching text to my psychologist telling her how proud I was of how I handled it, and also how I was still slightly more emotional than I would’ve liked. I told her my plan for today’s call was to cope ahead. Thinking about, firstly, if I get emotional on the call, how to calm it down. Secondly, how to deal with the emotions that might arise if he doesn’t call. I also planned to tick off as many PLEASE skills as possible between yesterday afternoon and this morning.

She agreed that was the best way to go and to also review some Interpersonal Effectiveness: Clarifying Goals in Interpersonal Situations; and then a little self-soothing. So I did. I shared a bottle of wine with my favourite housemate and shared girl talk for a few hours instead of studying.

The red post-it above is currently stuck to the back of my phone. It’s a list of my favourite Mindfulness exercises from Mindfulness For Borderline Personality Disorder and the situations/emotions to which they each apply. It may seem a little like overkill, but after nearly two years of struggling to contain or control my heightened emotions with him, I’d like today to be the day that things change.

My goals are clear: preserve self-respect; validate him, me, and us; and preserve the relationship. DBT has taught me so much, but I would like today to be the day that I start using those skills to save and strengthen my relationship.

Wish me luck... x

Yesterday ended up being a shut-down-for-a-few-hours-and-eat-a-bag-of-cornc-chips kinda day. Not my most successful. I can feel that I’m starting to get completely frustrated with myself for still feeling this constant shadow. 

It didn’t help that summer is well and truly here and I am 100% opposed to summer in any form. I felt fat, frumpy, covered in cellulite... One of my friends complimented my outfit, but it was a hard compliment to accept. 

Today though. Today is a new day. It is cold and rainy (how?!?! Who broke the weather and how do people still think that climate change isn’t a thing?!). Fourteen whole degrees colder than yesterday and that alone makes me feel happier. 

I’m stopping and catching myself when I feel that sadness well. Instead of getting frustrated, I revisit the RAIN of mindfulness (I’ve posted on this one lots of times because it has helped me so much! If you’re unfamiliar, take a look here), and then I make room for the emotion to exist inside me. 

The first time someone told me that I needed to breathe and make room for my emotions, I wondered if maybe I’d missed out by not smoking more illicit substances in my life. Turns out though, if you give it a chance (the breathing, not the illicit substances, I mean) it starts to make some sense and help a little. 

So, today is rainy days filled with RAIN mindfulness. And hopefully some yoga. The last two days have been a mess of appointments and last minute uni stuff. Hopefully now I can settle back into healthy foods and a healthy body. I also feel the familiar sensation inside of me of wanting to push everyone away... I’m trying to make peace with that rather than allow it to frustrate me. 

Yesterday was a setback, for sure, but it doesn’t have to mean multiple days of going backwards. 

Reading this on repeat in the hope something will stick...

Breaking at regular intervals to try and keep this headache at bay...

And a short reflective mindfulness exercise every hour or so to keep an eye on these emotions of mine...