#actuallyasystem

*Disclaimer: please always ask the system / system members what they prefer to be called!

So, being a fictive definitely has had a major impact on the amazing wonderful exceptionally perfect person I am.

Ow, I literally just rolled my eyes so hard it hurt. This blogging thing is getting results. I'm being upfront about mocking myself.

Anywho, not to flex or anything but my status in my source is leagues above where I am now, to say the class change made me bitter, angry, paranoid and depressed is an understatement.

And now to get the general "I'm a bad person" stuff out of the way, hell yeah I'm kind of a priss and I like having the best of everything.

Comfort, luxery, the top 1% style of living, that is my natural environment, and tbh I judge the hell out of anything below it. And yes, I feel like I deserve it, sometimes, when I'm not hating myself, moving on.

The class change was one thing. Top of thr food chain to upper middle class. Not only do I not have luxury, I also don't have a fraction of the power, both physical and political that I used to.

And that drives me insane. Seeing what a shit show America is and not being able to just fix it how I want makes me feel like there's fire ants under my skin so I literally sit there twitching like a chihuahua when I read the news.

I still feel like I'm in charge of humanity honestly and if I'd done a better job things wouldn't be like this. Yes, I know I'm a damn copy of a fictional character but I still blame myself. Every time something happens, like the race stuff, I do blame myself because maybe I could have changed it had I been in power longer or be in power here.

Also I hate it how i can't legally force people to agree with me/shut up/get the fuck out of my personal space. I am NOT a hugger and I don't value "physical affection."

That's actually an unintentional Segway into this. Once upon a time in group therapy a girl figured out who I was. I have a specific way of talking and she recongnized it. Did we respect talk? No.

She screamed, forcefully sat on my lap and made me wish for death as she kept squirming in a way I'm sure she thought was arousing but infact kind of hurt and made it weird.

Somehow the dimwit didnt realize that this is a female body despite it obviously being one.

I don't care if I'm an anime character or a "husbando" or whatever the fuck she called me. I do not like being glomped, I don't want to see your xreader fan fiction or really weird fan art.

I mean this girl was obviously in therapy for a reason. I tried to be nice. But yeah I reached the end of my rope quickly.

However yelling at her only made her say that I'm "so in character"

Ugh.

As happy as I am when people recongnize me, that expiriance has honestly freaked me out. Also glomping is PAINFUL.

I don't hide who I am but I'm less up front about it. I mean my username looks like my full name.

kinda. If you squint. Idk.

Ok that sidetrack made me completely forget my point. Wait. I found it.

I miss it. My home. I'm in pain honestly not that I'll tell anyone. I feel so out of place here and sometimes I feel wrong that I've honestly made myself throw up. That wasn't fun.

I don't know how other fictives are so well adjusted. I know I have to just let it all go but I can't. I just can't. Part of thats probably npd related because I mourn the loss of my status and power immensely but I can't let go.

And that obviously makes me such a charming person.

Ok weird statement, these posts make me feel naked. Here we have my genuine thoughts where I'm not making myself look like a god. It's fucking weird.

Damnit autocorrect I'm not trying to say ducking LET ME FUCKING SWEAR

-Active Alters-

Pollution 👑

Astro 🌠

Aziraphale 💫

Crowley 🌌

Fae(?) 💐

Lavender 🎆

Logan 🌊

Patton 🦋

Venus 💥

Me (Virge) 🌺

-Dormant Alters-

Virgil 🐈

Roman🧣

A.J.Crowley 🌃

Deceit 🐍

i'm getting so frustrated i feel like i've searched the whole play store

but does anyone know how to combat severe depression causing loneliness as a system

we aren't out as a system to anyone irl except for a few people who don't understand how it works and just treat us all like the host

those of us who front the most aren't from popular sources so nobody is really interested in hearing about our canons and stuff or even really talking to us

not to mention i did some horrible things in my source and that also tends to steer everyone away

we tried to start a server for kin and fictives from our source but it doesn't have many people in it and isn't very active at all

as for irl social groups in our area there is only one centered around mental health and most of the people in it are way older than us, racist, homo/transphobic etc

we can't drive due to anxiety and being easily overwhelmed so we can only go where our parents want to go and they understandably hate going out of town

i don’t talk about it a lot and it’s because i don’t owe y’all shit abt my personal life but it is something that i am passionate about and would like to inform people on and it is the fact that i have OSDD/i am a system

if you are unaware OSDD (other specified dissociative disorder) is similar to DID (dissociative identity disorder) in the way that i have alters and a headspace and all that however i do not have amnesia in the same way as individuals with did, instead i only have emotional amnesia

f1nch h4s t3chnically n0t all0wed us t0 p0st or t4lk on tumb1r, but 1 feel th3se sw1tches w1ll get more 4nd m0re frequent, s0 an intr0duction is du3.

1 am cr3scendo, a n0nhum4n 4lter or h3adm4te. pr0nouns 4re he/they/it/bit/bits.

ap0log1es f0r my typ1ng qu1rk. 1 h0pe 1 w1ll n0t be 4n 1nconv3nience wh1le f1nch 1s g0ne.