Hoover Salesman

Listener: Hold on-

Listener handing Cicero a recorder: Cicero play Ragnar the Red-

Cicero proceeding to blow as hard as he can cause he doesn’t know how recorders work:

Nazir: cICERO, ITS FUCKING 2 AM!! STOP PLAYING A FUCKING RECORDER!

Huh? What’s this? I don’t remember ordering something that big.

Oh, it’s a sofa? I already have one, though…

Huh??? It’s empty?? Then why was it so heavy…

Oh hang on what’s this?

Oh crap!!!!

Warning: Profanity

“Exasperation, exacerbation, extra-masturbation”

“Are you mad I just did 9 piss damage?”

“He pulled the mace from his Himcage” - In reference to a skeleton friend named Rib

“Well just draw some angry eyebrows on him, we need the money!”

“My God demanded I sell this dank kush.” -Our Paladin

“Yeah, we don’t just want ‘Hall Spit’ as a reward.”

“You dismount the manticore as the wood elf is Burt Reynoldsing down the way.”

“You are pubes, hear him roar.”

“I heard him shrug.”

“Can we dance battle the lich?”

“You’ve just crit with ghost shit…” -DM

“Granted, that’s ice cream and not dead kids.”

“We’ve got 2 ropists on the team.”

“How’d that elf get in our truck? IS HE GONNA PIMP OUR RIDE? It’s XZIBIT!”

“The horse is in the suitcase *Kick open the suitcase*. Out comes a very startled horse.”

“We’re gonna turn you in too if you don’t put your dicks away.”

“What does HE do?” “He has a mace and he’s a lot of fun!”

“*Mystery magic arrow hits enemy, enemy turns into a sheep* Oh. So that’s what that does.”

“Oh, you KNOW I’m gonna throw a horse corpse.”

“You’ve been grabbed by a snake with 2 arms… You’ve been grabbed by a lizard with no legs.”

“The bones haven’t noticed you.”

“That’s one dragonkin per square foot!”

“You all look at where Jerry was standing and Jerry is now a bear.”

“I’m gonna go ahead and use Shatter the Grundel.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, the door is now purring… And I am out of eggs.”

“All this damn DLM shit, GET A JOB AND GET OUT OF THE ROAD”

“We’re facing a freakin’ army of horse tossers!”

“EAT ME, YOU ELEGANT, C***”

“Don’t cut off the whore’s hand”

Sorcerer: *knocks on door*

Dm: A large orc answers the door, he looks threatening and starts to reach for his wepons

Sorcerer: Hello, would you like to buy a hoover?

Orc: What is a hoover?

Sorcerer: *picks up a stick and takes out some leather armour* This is a hoover -

Sorcerer OOC: I cast prestigitation on the armour and make it appear dirty, then as I wave the stick over it, it cleans the clothes

Dm: Roll

Sorcerer: 22

Orc: Intriguing, but why would I need a fancy cleaning stick

Sorcerer: Well you don’t want to look dirty do you?

Dm: Roll

Sorcerer: Crit.

Dm: *Rolls eyes and loudly sighs*

Orc: You are absolutely right, please come in

Dm: He disables a trap by the front door and welcomes you into his home, he starts leading you towards the lounge

Sorcerer: You know, this is very valuable, it’s probably worth more gold than you have, maybe we could make a trade

Dm: Roll

Sorcerer: Crit

Dm: (begrudgingly): He loves the idea, and takes you upstairs to his treasure chest

Fighter: STAB HIM, TAKE THE CHEST!

*Dice clatter* Nat 1

DESTIGMATIZE the act of closing your vent to stop his dry whispering– which you cannot tell whether it is random or directed at you– from reaching you

we HAVE to let people know its okay to experience:

being repulsed by the putrid smell of his bile

feeling sick when seeing your grandparents because of the thing in your basement

locking your bedroom door even though you know it wouldnt be enough to stop him

letting your faucets run for a few seconds every morning because ever since he arrived more and more of your tap water had come out black as ink

knowing exactly what he looks like even though the only time you ever saw him was your first encounter with him at your uncle’s funeral when you were 6

questioning why youre the only one who remembers your dog

why cant anyone else remember your dog

what happened to your dog

oh my god i can still hear him whimpering downstairs some nights

And after like three seconds, where we’re all trying to figure out the punchline because the story clearly hadn’t ended, and John Mulaney quietly says, “Has there been tinfoil on my buttons the whole goddamn show?”

She was, in fact, with him, and she did tell him her date’s name. John Mulaney considered this, looked around, and unplugged his microphone. Leaning in to us, he told us that we were going to trick this guy so fuckin hard. He said, “At some point during the show, I am going to stop and say, ‘Well, you guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale,’ and then you guys are all going to scream back ‘WE LOVE MILKSHAKES!’ He’ll be so confused.”

He then continued on with the show as normal, the drinks guy returned to his seat, and that was that for quite a long time. We thought he had forgotten about it until, at some point during what I believe was his McDonald’s drive-thru bit, he shrugged his shoulders and said, “You guys know what they say here in Ft. Lauderdale…”