living in perpetual contradiction

I remember I was younger, I had no fangs. I was in someone's apartment, it was really fancy. I killed a girl, I think she was my sire. Her face melds with marshys and i cant remember it well. I think she wore face paint. She had a ghoul. I couldn't figure out. I was told I needed to kill her, so I did. I couldn't let the blood go to waste, I couldn't let her go to waste.

I remember I was agile, I remember I was in cocoon where I could hear Him breathing and hear His chest creaking as He breathed, wincing through nightmares, I remember marius bringing me gifts. For by birthday. Maybe Christmas. He brought Christmas stuff. As always. He made sure He was okay.

I remember I had a childe. He was a curious thing, and I watched over him, I was there.

I remember marshy not being there.

I remember her hiding and running from me, and now I remember her being here whenever I need her. I used to be so mad that everyone else got to talk to their sire. That I had to be punished for something I couldn't control. None of it matters, really. I remember being so lost, and I remember taking help from a second mother, I remember marshy blowing off her own head. And every time, He was there. And the bar was there. and it was arranged differently, and there was different people, and different coteries, different princes, and I was different, but the bar was always there. And its here now. And now im between all those times. Im not in the 50s, im not in the 2010s. Im in between and if I stay still too long and if I dont do something for too long I start thinking about it and I get lost in it, Im L and im Liddell and im Elle.

And in all these times the one thing I remmeber is who I am and how I got here. I think about marshy and her being gone, I think about how I was changed and I was gone, I think about what marshy did and He was gone, and I dont want to be gone again. I dont want to be nothing, I dont want Him to be nothing, I dont want her to be nothing. I am the way I am because of who I am. Even when I took different paths and finished school, and I owned the bar before he was born, and I had mom and dad, and I didnt hide in the shadows ashamed, I was who I was. L, Elsie, Elaine, Elle, Liddell. And every fucking time I am back at the fucking bar again. And He looks at me analyzing everything in that very moment and summarizes what I've done and what im doing, like a checkbook in his closet of an office. Am I fleeing? Am I working? And the smallest of reactions from him is my tether to the stake at the center of his bar. A nod and the chain loosens, furrowed brow and the collar tightens.