i feel so seen!!

I'm asexual. I figured that out not long after I first came across the term in high school. But figuring out my gender took a lot longer. I didn't really think about my gender identity for years, it wasn't until I was in college that I started trying to figure out what my gender was. That process took years.

I didn't really feel attached to my assigned gender, but I also didn't feel the gender dysphoria that trans people described. I didn't particularly feel like I was neither of those either. For a long time, I honestly didn't feel like any of the gender descriptions and identities I was coming across really fit. I just didn't care that much about what my actual gender was. Eventually I decided upon the agender label as that seemed the most apt. As the paper says, it's really hard to be truly without gender in this highly gendered world. Agender is a way of defining myself in a way that people who experience gender might be able to understand when "I'm just me." isn't really an acceptable answer to the "what's your gender?" question.

I don't mind being perceived as a gender, none of them are offensive to me. While I do like when I am perceived as male or at least not female, I think that more has to do with growing up female and not wanting to be pushed into traditional female roles and values than a connection or repulsion to any gender. I'm impossible to misgender because I frankly don't care.

Honestly, the biggest problem I have with my gender, is trying to define it to people. There's been a large push in recent years for asking people for their pronouns, or including pronouns in things like email signatures and surveys. And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying this is a bad thing! This is very affirming for a lot of people. But it feels like I need to pick something that doesn't quite fit. At pride, for instance, there's always pronoun buttons. But they're all she/her, he/him, they/them, she/they, he/they, it/it, xe/xir, etc etc. And that's great. I'm always glad that there are a lot of options for people. But there's never any pins for any/all pronouns. I've never picked up a free pronoun pin at pride, despite always looking, because they all feel like picking what pronouns I don't want poeple to use and the answer is that I don't care. I fround an any/all pronoun pin once at a queer museum and I cried.

For me, I thought I was nonbinary when I was 11. Even though I went by they/them pronouns back then, it never really felt correct, so I went back and stuck with she/her for all these years. Lately, I’ve been thinking more and more about my gender and how I want people to perceive me.

The one thing I know for certain, though: I don’t want anyone to be sexualizing me. The mere thought of being perceived as a sexual object is repulsive to me. And, unfortunately, both masculinity and femininity have a very long history of being sexualized simply for their presence and appearances.

I don’t really care about my gender, if I’m being honest. I have they/them in my bio next to she/her for a reason. I don’t really care if someone refers to me with neopronouns, I don’t really care if someone refers to me with he/him pronouns. I’d be confused, yeah, since I physically look like a female, but I wouldn’t really correct them other than referring to myself with she/her pronouns somewhere in the conversation.

I associate my femininity with being overly sexualized by society. It’s like I’m a power tool- maybe a pencil sharpener- something that isn’t inherently sexualized at all until someone goes to sharpen a pencil. Then, suddenly, I’m perceived as a very sexual topic just because I did what I was supposed to do, which is sharpen the pencil. No matter what I do, my task will always be to sharpen a pencil. Maybe there would be colored pencils, yes, but I will still always be the one sharpening the pencil. Then, I discover the led pencil- a pencil that doesn’t need a pencil sharpener. And I think, yes, I want to be that led pencil. I can function without ever being sexualized- or even associated- with a pencil sharpener. But, unfortunately, I am still a pencil sharpener.

This is what my gender feels like to me.

I probably wouldn’t mind if I was the pencil. I probably wouldn’t mind if I were a sharpie- something else that doesn’t need a pencil sharpener. I wouldn’t mind being a pen. But I still want to be that led pencil because nothing else feels right. Everything else falls under their own category- their own identity that makes them different from a pencil. But I still, inherently, want to be a led pencil.

This analogy doesn’t really make sense if you think about it too hard, so don’t think too deep about it, but this is basically how I feel. I’m struggling to put it into words.

Honestly, I just don’t want anybody thinking of me as something that can be sexualized. I’m not connected to my gender much- I get uneasy when someone points out my physical, feminine traits- because they’re mostly associated with attraction.

And honestly, my asexuality is seen in a lot of things I do. I look like a slob a lot of the time because I don’t care about attracting anybody towards me. I don’t care much for my appearance because I don’t feel as though impressing anyone is necessary. I do the minimum to keep myself looking healthy, because honestly, I don’t care. I suppose I am detached from my gender in a way since I never really found enjoyment in inherently ‘feminine’ things. I was raised to believe generic things- like makeup, dresses, Barbie’s, etc, were ‘girly’ stuff (my family and I know now that this isn’t true, but this was years ago). I never liked dresses. I hate wearing makeup. Hell, I barely wear skirts because for some reason I’m convinced that I’d automatically be sexualized and ‘girly’ if I put one on. I never wear revealing clothing.

It’s not like I hate my feminine traits, if I’m being honest. I just wouldn’t care if I didn’t have them. I never understood why a lot of things that are supposedly ‘big deals’ for women were really big deals. My big chest is something I’d rather not have. My legs are really thick. But apparently these are things other woman cherish and love about themselves- and I’m happy they do! But it’s not something that I personally think about much in positivity.

My biggest problem is really being seen in a feminine way. I hate showing skin because I’m terrified someone’s going to stare. I hate swimsuits because I’m convinced there’ll be creepy guys thinking about stuff when they see me. I’m a really self-concious person unfortunately, so whenever I do or wear something even remotely different from what I usually wear, I get paranoid someone’s thinking of something.

I never really tied this to my gender before now. As I’m thinking about it, though, it’s starting to make sense. Reading the articles and everyone else’s experiences, I find that I relate a lot to what everyone else is saying. I’ve always felt really dehumanized and shut out for my asexuality, and I think part of why I always feel attacked by simple compliments is because they’re complimenting my supposed ‘feminine’ traits.

i thought you aware on how awful people can be since judging from things you reblog you are aware of ongoing genocide and witnessing autistic children abused for their condition

Every day I choose to believe that every human being is fundamentally the same. That every adult was once a child, that every child had fears and hopes and joys, and every person desires to live happily and free of pain.

This does not absolve them of their cruelties. This does not condone or minimize their transgressions. This simply is to say, "I too could become monstrous: what would it take to push me there, and how could I prevent it, and if I could not prevent it, how could I stop?"

I believe that to be human is to be an animal like any other. I believe that we are not evil. Because if I believed that humanity was evil, fundamentally cruel, and incapable of better, what hope would I have? What purpose? What life could I live, as a plague surrounded by plagues?

I don't believe that people are good because I have not seen evil actions. I believe that people are good because I have to.

Do you understand?

I must believe in humanity. I must believe in kindness. I must believe in good, and change, and positive intent.

Because otherwise, I'd have nothing to live for.

Because otherwise, all I would have is myself, and self-loathing, and decades of existence in all directions, and a hopeless wasteland to spend it in.