Morally Questionable

anyways, i really love your stuff and you’re so funny, reading it makes my day!! have a great week 💚❤️

oh my god jason would love him. that's his child. it really pisses everybody else off though. one of the street kids with a flare for arts-and-crafts made it for him and he carries it around on patrol in a baby carrier strapped to his chest. the others get sick of it within 3 minutes and it devolves into an argument every time it gets brought up.

Jason, petting Fatson Todd's head as he goes through his strategies for a mission: and then we'll need to meet up behind this- Robin hold my son so i can use the map-

Damian, refusing to even look at the plush shoved under his nose: get that fat prick out my face, Hood.

Jason: don't fuckin' body shame your nephew.

-

*Bruce, walking into the kitchen and being greeted by yelling*

Jason: FUCKING NEGLIGENT PIECE OF SHIT-

Tim: JESUS CHRIST JASON IT'S A FUCKING DOLL-

Jason: AND IT'S MORE LOVED THAN YOU'LL EVER FUCKING BE YOU ABANDONED WETWIPE.

Bruce: woah, woah, what's going on here?

Jason: YOUR BITCH ASS REPLACEMENT OVER HERE-

Tim: i should have just let you end me back at the tower.

Jason: HE SPILT HIS FUCKING CEREAL MILK ON MY GODDAMN CHILD. AND HE WONT EVEN APOLOGISE.

Tim: i'm joining the league of assassins.

Bruce:

Bruce:

Bruce: i'm going back to bed.

-

Duke, calling Dick at 4AM: Grayson i swear to fucking god if you don't get your stupid bitch of a little brother to stop waking me up to ask me to babysit his fucking stuffed toy while he goes to the fucking iceberg lounge i'm going to blast him into the sun and this time he will not come back-

-

Talia, video calling Ra's to update him on league business: father, i have successfully-

Talia:

Ra's, glaring at the camera:

Talia: father, what is that on your lap.

Ra's: he told me he'd reveal how he overcame death if i was a nice enough 'great grandfather' to this... thing.

Talia:

Ra's: not a word, daughter.

Talia:

Jason: do you think like- because he doesn't like him,

Damian: to be fair he didn't like father either, that's not what it was about.

Jason: yeah but like- he respected B at least a little bit. he thinks Tim's a bitch.

Damian: Tim is a bitch,

Dick: wait sorry i've been muted for this mission- what are we talking about?

Damian: grandfather has started referring to Drake as 'the detective' which was the title he previously called father by. we're trying to psychologically analyse it.

Dick: ...wait so does he not like B anymore? what does he want with Tim?

Jason: that's what we're trying to figure out! do we know exactly when the name-switch took place?

Damian: one evening he was referring to him as Drake, the next morning it was 'the detective' it was literally overnight.

Dick: so what happened that night?

Jason: nothing!

Damian: is it possible that he's finally succumbing to his age and his mind has deteriorated to the point that he thinks Tim is father?

Jason: he did accidentially call me the name of one of the camels last week.

Dick: ...how often do you talk to Ra's Al Ghul?

Jason: it's basically charity work, he's old and frail Dickie

Dick: ...not touching that.

Damian: we could ask mother?

Jason: Talia also hates Tim, so i don't know how she'll feel about-

*ping*

Tim: hey.

Dick: -Timmy! how you doing, buddy?

Tim: *instantly sounding suspicious* ...ok what.

Damian: brothers can't be nice anymore, what has this world come to.

Tim: you dickheads? no, you can't. what are you fishing for here.

Jason: what'd ya' do ta' Ra's?

*a beat*

Tim: Ra's...? haven't done shit to Ra's, i haven't even seen him since Bruce was missing in the timeline.

Dick: why does he call you the detective then? that used to be B's nickname.

Damian: he only gives nicknames to people he thinks are worthy of distinguishing from other randoms. that's why he never bothers remembering a nickname for Grayson.

Dick: oi-

Tim, suddenly: OOOOOOOH. -wait. that's what made me worthy? he thinks i'm distinguishable because of this rather than when i almost killed his entire army?

Jason: what did you do?

Tim: ok so i didn't- i haven't seen him. but i do occasionally play against him in Words With Friends. and i absolutely destroyed him in a match like, last week. he didn't even last an hour.

*12 long seconds of silence*

Damian: *starts laughing quietly*

Dick: you surpassed B in Ra's head through fucking Words With Friends-?

Jason: -i can't believe i thought you'd done something cool for once.

Tim: w- fuck you, Hood! i beat the Demon's Head in a mind game! i was fucking smug!

Damian, laughter tapering: you beat an old, senile, frail foreigner who learnt english as an 8th language, in a literacy based online game. Drake.

Tim: ok fuck you guys you aren't happy with anything i do this is so fucked-

Dick: Words With Friends-

Tim: FUCK YOU. I'M DISTINGUISHABLE.

Dick: Red, you seeing the similarities here?

Tim: yeah... the method matches the method of that serial killer Hood's working on over in the alley, right?

Dick: *hums* if he's starting to move territories over here then we might have to call Hood in and do a crossover case. you know where he's at tonight?

Tim: B is busy with league stuff so he's got Robin for the night, I think they were working on something down in Tricorner.

Dick: hey Oracle, woulda' mind finding the com line they're on and transferring them over for a sec? we need to talk to Hood about this.

Oracle: got it.

*faint typing sounds*

*two pings*

Damian: -no he has absolutely no idea how female anatomy works, and I know this for a fact because when she told us she was pregnant, his response was to turn to me and say 'how is that possible, I thought she was wearing a tampon', which-

Jason: *bursts out laughing* no because- *wheeze* I do remember, I remember so fuckin' clearly, that there was a genuine occasion during my training with that guy at the league where we were focusing on poisons, and Talia came up to us and asked us to take a break so we could sort out the donkeys for a trip the next day, and I swear to god, this fucker walks up to these animals looking genuinely freaked out, and I'm just saddling up these donkeys like normal, like- you remember, it's not like it was fuckin' hard,

Damian, humming: *muses* I loved those donkeys.

Jason: I know you did, you almost had one shipped over to Gotham with us-, anyway, and I'm looking at him like 'you alright there little buddy?' and this fucker looks me straight in the eyes, this league assassin expert and high quality tutor, and he goes 'what if it tries to eat me?' AND I'M LIKE-

Damian: *starts laughing*

Jason: THEY'RE FUCKING HERBIVORES YOU GODDAMN MORON, WHAT DO YOU MEAN?! WHAT DO YOU MEAN 'WHAT IF IT EATS ME?'

Damian: that was- see? and you wonder why the league education system failed me so much, it's because all my tutors were people who also grew up in the league and only ever bothered learning about the one thing my grandfather said they had a knack for. I had an archery instructor who no word of a fucking lie didn't understand what photosynthesis was.

Jason: the fact that I was the best option you had at the time for a well rounded education experience just proves how fucked it all was. like I'd only just recently found out you couldn't microwave metal. what the fuck was I supposed to do?

Damian: my current theory is that mother walked in on us using your phone to google whether narwhals were real or mythical and she just decided 'yeah these two need to go to Gotham pronto'.

Jason: *laughing*

Damian: oh- isn't that the guy we're looking for?

Jason: oh shit yeah- ok you go round and we'll do a pincer movement.

Damian: on it.

*two minutes of silence*

*faint grunts and fighting noises*

Jason: behind you, duck.

Damian, breathless: appreciated.

Jason: no worries.

*more faint fighting noises*

Dick, loudly: see,

Jason: *yelps*

Damian: NIGHTWIN-? *gunshot* FUCK

Dick: -I feel like the natural point for us to jump in and tell you we were here passed like, a long time ago.

Jason: you fuckin' asshole you scared the shit out of me!

Dick: -but I think we just got invested in the conversation and then it got long enough that it would have been awkward if we interrupted, right Red?

Tim: I forgot what we were supposed to be asking like five minutes ago, not gonna lie.

Dick: Jason you didn't know not to microwave metal?

Tim: guys, Batman is pissing me off tonight. i need revenge ideas, go.

Bruce: i am on this line- i'm literally standing right next to you, Red Robin.

Dick: shut up B, we're brain storming here.

Damian: you could hack the Batmobile's radio to only play that ad jingle that he hates so much.

Bruce: Robin?!

Tim: this is good, this is good,

Dick: just do what Hood used to do and write revenge porn.

Tim: sorry, Hood used to what now?!

Bruce: Oracle, kick Nightwing from this line.

Oracle: not a chance, please elaborate Nightwing.

Dick, giggling: yeah, he used to- O, get Hood in this call, he loves talking about this it's hysterical.

*ping*

Jason: -tell me where the site is or you'll be jerking off with a fucking prosthetic for the rest of your life, asshole, now- *distant scared whimpers* -TELL ME!

Tim, sweetly: hiya Hood~

Jason: the fu- what- *thump* ...when'd i join this line? why am i here?

Dick: i requested it, i want a Red Hood story-time.

Bruce, firmly: no.

Damian and Tim, simultaneously: yes!

Jason: eh?

Dick: they want to know about the revenge porn you did on B back when you were in Gotham Academy.

Bruce: NO.

Jason: OH- *wheezes*

distant unknown male voice, barely heard through Jason's laughter: c-can i- can i go...?

Jason: *cough* AHA- y-yeah man, fuckin- HA- *wheeze* go for it, i'll track you down later, *cackling*

Dick: this was the story that made me start liking Hood as a little brother, by the way.

Jason: so- *wheeze* so B really pissed me off this one time when i was Robin, i can't even remember why,

Dick: he grounded you for calling Mr Freeze a 'cunt' in front of a group of pre-schoolers you were rescuing.

Jason: OH YEAH-! and part of the grounding was that he forced me to take part in the theatre department bullshit going on down at the school for like, community service, where a bunch of kids in my class were writing an original musical to put on for the end of year show. i was pretty good at english lit, so when my teacher heard i had to join she put me on the writers squad or whatever and pretty much told us to have at it.

Jason: except i was really pissed off at B at the time, so i convinced everybody that the musical should be about Gotham's own Batman, and then i decided to add in Superman and make him Batman's gay love interest.

Damian: oh my god

Dick: *wheezing* it- it was so fucking cool-

Tim: holy- IN FRONT OF THE ENTIRE SCHOOL?!

Jason: *cackle* *high pitched* yeah- that's not- that's not even- dude it gets so much worse-

Bruce: it was not funny.

Dick, crying: god it so was...

Jason: AND I MADE THAT SHIT- I MADE IT SO EMOTIONAL, TOO-

Dick: YOU REALLY DID- LIKE IT WAS GOOD, THAT WAS THE THING,

Tim: *laughing*

Damian: please tell me you have a copy of the script, Hood

Jason: annotated and signed, i'll drop it round the cave later

Damian: i love you.

Tim: *laughing harder*

Dick: even better, i still have the fuckin' video,

Tim: THERES A VIDEO?!

Bruce: *disgruntled groan*

Jason: holy shit- dude you still have it?! I LOST MY COPY WHEN I DIED!

Dick: oh Jay, i would not have deleted that video if it saved you from the fucking Joker.

Bruce, scandalised: NIGHTWING.

Jason: NO- NO, AS HE FUCKING SHOULD B, I SENT IT TO HIM TO KEEP SAFE, AS HE FUCKING SHOULD-

Damian: is the video of the whole play?

Dick: well kind of? but littlewing, littlewing's a fucking genius so he- *wheeze*

Jason: i didn't want to act in the actual musical, so they put me on stagehand shit and i ended up in charge of the official school's video production, and i just- *laughter* i just fuckin'- i fuckin filmed B's reaction in the audience for like- *wheeze* the whole fucking play-

Dick: THE BEST PART- best part was B 100% got sucked into the story,

Bruce: I DID NOT.

Jason: YOU CRIED DURING THE ENDING KISS.

Dick: *bursts out laughing*

Tim: SORRY-?!

Damian: Nightwing i want that video.

Dick: *still laughing*

Jason: to this day, best thing i ever did as a child. i don't care about my legacy as Robin, i'm just happy i got to produce such a masterpiece. i should write a sequel-,

Tim: PLEASE,

Bruce: ok that's it,

Tim: B, what are you-

*ping*

Dick: what'd- what-

Oracle: Batman, you can't kick Red Hood from the line.

After a moment he changed the music on his phone to what sounded like a Hatsune Miku song. Curiosity got the better of me, so I finally spoke up and said “is this Hatsune Miku?”

And he said “Yep. You looked uncomfortable, and I know Transgender women like Hatsune Miku, so I thought it might help.”

Jason: yeah me and B are on ok terms now,

Dick: oh you guys are getting along-?

Jason: well we’re doing ok, I’m not mad at him anymore.

Dick: thought you wanted him to kill the Joker?

Jason: i did, but then like last week i went to the manor and i saw him smash the coffee machine with a hammer because it didn’t fill his mug enough; and i just don’t think he’d be a good killer.

Dick: *light wheeze* because he broke the coffee machine?

Jason: well it was just- *cracked grin* he gets- he gets angry, you know? and he’s not good at self control? like that machine did nothing and he just destroyed it. and i was just thinking about how, like, he decided that adopting kids was an acceptable thing to do, and now he has like eleven of us,

Dick: *silent cackles*

Jason: like he can’t see a kid without thinking ‘wonder if i can draft this one’. i think if we managed to convince him killing was ok it wouldn’t go well. he’d just keep doing it.

Dick: *through laughter* because of no self control?

Jason: yeah, like once he crosses that line he’d probably step over it at any minor inconvenience. he gets addicted and he gets mad at a lot of things.

Dick: so B shouldn’t kill?

Jason: no.

Dick: but you can?

Jason: well i- *wheeze* i have practice honing the rage, i don’t kill for stupid reasons. *pause* apart from that one time.

Dick, audibly amused: what time?

Jason: i sneezed and accidentially pressed the trigger.

Dick: *loud cackles*

Jason: i felt bad, man, like his cat was there-

Dick: *falls off his chair*

Jason: how are you this apathetic.

Dick: is that where Damian’s new cat came from?

Jason: it’s not like i could just leave it there!

Dick: i thought i saw trauma in it’s eyes. it had that wartime stare.

Jason: the blood spattered right across its fur. i had to bathe it.

Dick: Damian thinks it has anxiety

Jason: anxiet- dude it has more than anxiety, it has fucking PTSD-

Dick: wait so- things i think you'd be good at?

Tim: all of us. like- i have a theory that Damian would be really good at making topiary animals. i don't know why, i just think he'd smash it.

Dick: oh i get it. i actually- yeah, i could see that with Damian. he's got the steady hands and the artistic talent. i have a- ok, so i have one,

Tim: go.

Dick: i've always had the strong belief that if we were to get Bruce into origami, he'd be a fuckin' paper fiend within a month.

Tim: *wheeze*

Dick: like- do you know what i mean? we'd go down to the Batcave and he'd be mindlessly churning out swans 'n octopus' n shit out of paper while trying to figure out a case.

Tim: *still snickering* i like that. i could see that. like some people knit while they watch TV?

Dick: yeah that's his version of that. i also- for you, i also feel like you would be good at ballroom dancing.

Tim, eager: oh i can actually answer that one,

Dick: yeah?

Tim: yup. *sing-song* answer's no,

Dick: *laughing*

Tim, amused: yeah- yeah my mom also had that belief when i was a kid, and she signed me up for lessons. and let me tell you? *matter of fact* used to get on my instructors last nerve~.

Dick: *gleeful* were you really that bad?

Tim: yeah, that man did not like teaching me. i just kept asking to go to the bathroom and then locking myself in for the entire lesson to look after my nintendogs.

*connecting ping*

Damian: Grayson, Father let me finish early; i'm on my way to you.

Dick: oh sick. hey, Dames, you got any headcanons about skills you think me or Tim would be good at if we tried?

Damian: headcanons? about you two?

Dick: yeah, you know... like, personal ideas or-

Damian: i know what a headcanon is. of course i don't.

Tim: aw, c'mon, not one?

Damian: i hate to break it to you, but you two aren't that interesting to think about. i rarely examine my opinions on anything to do with you unless it is directly relevant to my current life.

*a beat*

Dick: alright, ow, kinda offensive considering i invited you up to Bludhaven for the weekend?

Damian, dryly: yeah, cry about it. that will definitely make you more interesting.

Tim: what the fuck- ok fuck you, and fuck this. what about Jason, do we have any about Jason? i feel like he's the sort of person that would be really good at snowboarding but really shit at skiing.

Dick: oh, honestly? ok i do have one that i've been thinking for a while now actually,

Tim: *prompting hum*

Dick: i've always thought that Jason would be fucking incredible as a Dungeons and Dragons DM.

Tim, curious: ooooooh,

Dick: right? like- he's always been a good storyteller, and as meathead-y as he is he can kinda be a bit of a fantasy nerd. i've always thought that if i could convince him to try a campaign with me then it would be one of the greatest moments of my life.

Tim: fuck, no that's genius. i kinda want this now, do you think we could convince him?

Dick: i've been trying for years, he says he doesn't like DnD.

Damian, bored: he's lying, he plays Dungeons and Dragons all the time.

Dick: ...what?

Damian: yeah. he'd DM for me and some of his friends back in the league every now and then. i had no access to video games and Mother disapproved of other board games, so Jason would cover the DnD textbooks with mathematic book covers, and if anybody walked in on us playing we could just shut our notebooks and claim to be doing math exercises with some dice.

Dick, squeaking indignantly: he told me he had no idea how to play and couldn't be fucked to learn!

Damian, still bored: yeah he's lying because he thinks if any of you were to get involved with one of his campaigns you would be 'insufferable' to play with.

Tim: wait wait wait- so Damian, you grew up as a DnD nerd??!

Damian: why did you think i was so gullible about magic and supernatural stuff back then? my only reference for anything outside of league life was fantasy worlds and spells. when Jason first showed me the All Blades he told me it was because he'd 'acquired a new spell slot'. what reason did i have not to believe him?

Tim: oh my god it all makes so much sense now... oh my god,

Dick: wait. Damian...do you... do you still play with him?

*a beat*

Damian: occasionally.

Dick: HE'S BEEN FUCKING DMING FOR YOU AND CUTTING ME OUT?!?!

Tim: i am so fucking offended right now. who the fuck is he playing with? it can't be just you two,

Damian: no, Thomas also plays. and some of his old league friends.

Dick: are you fucking- he lets Duke play and not us?!?!

Damian: Thomas keeps trying to kill the important NPC's though, so getting through the campaign is slow going.

Dick: i am going to lose my mind-

Damian: Jason says it's a good activity for brothers.

Tim, offended: ok-

my dumbass motherfucking brain:

my naem is broos

am oft obtus

and now I really nede a snüs

but wen tis darck

tis up I gaet

I go fite cryme

and I shood slepe

and ask the nite

my sole to kepe

but tho my fam

and teme doth beg:

I brew the cupp

and I tell ye

my family

doth be crazy

but I differ

I am unded

tis fully saen

and I delite

in doing trikk

out of shere spyte

but wen siblings

are gathered kalm:

I laff and run

and this is dumb

I spell words well

meter like drum

but Richard says

"must write this poem"

so here it is

and ryming's harde

I lik Kirk mor

thann Cap Pickarde

Tim disagriis

I am amuus

why rimes so hard

and as you see

I'm caretaker,

butler, family

but battles I

have often won

'spite Bruce's wish

-

Wonder Woman: -oh, and thank you to Red Robin for that piece of insight you gave us last week, it was very helpful.

Damian dressed up as Tim, has no idea what she's talking about: ....no worries.

Aquaman: oh i wasn't here last week, what did you say?

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ....if you... sprinkle cinnamon on your window-ledges, then spiders aren't as likely to come into your house...?

Aquaman:

Wonder Woman:

Woman Woman: i was referring to the fact that you checked our suspect list and absolved Leonard Woodgate from suspicion due to his documented presence in Gotham during the incident.

Red Robin:

Red Robin: ah.

Wonder Woman, glaring at him: Damian.

Red Robin: fuck.

-

*Nightwing, on his phone at the meeting table*

Green Lantern: hey, Dick, can you pass me my coffee?

Nightwing: *doesn't glance over*

Green Lantern: Dick.

Green Lantern: Diiiick?

Green Lantern: RICHARD? DICK???

Batman walking in: you called me?

Green Lantern, looking between them: w- oh for fucks sake- WHERE'S BRUCE?

Dick as Batman, shrugging: honestly i didn't even ask- hey, Tim, where's B?

Nightwing: *still doesn't look up*

Red Hood, showing up in the doorway: did you say my name?

Dick as Batman, now also slightly confused: ...oh is Jason me today?

Jason as Nightwing, finally looking up: oh- sorry, what? completely zoned out there.

Tim as Red Hood: yeah man, i'm Jason, Jason's you, and you're B while he's at the dentist.

Dick: ...huh.

Green Lantern: IF YOU CAN'T TELL HOW THE FUCK ARE WE SUPPOSED TO?!

-

Robin, walking into the room: i'm here, are we starting the meeting soon?

*The rest of the league not giving him a second look*

Superman: ah, hello Damian. yes, sit down, we're starting soon.

Robin:

Robin:

Tim as Robin, angrily: oh fuck off- I AM NOT SHORT ENOUGH TO PASS AS DAMIAN.

The JL:

Damian as Red Robin, walking into the room and muttering under his breath: told you, you loser.

-

bonus:

*Red Hood, pouring himself a coffee in the Watchtower kitchen*

Arsenal, coming up behind him and pinching Hood's ass: hey sexy, you coming to mine after this thing or am i coming to yours? we went to mine last time, but i dunno the weather in Gotham this week, so your choice.

Red Hood:

Red Hood:

Arsenal: what?

Dick as Red Hood: this cannot fucking be how i find out you're fucking my little brother, Roy.

Arsenal:

Arsenal: are you fucking- STOP DOING THIS.

Jason as Batman, walking into the room and looking at them for a second:

Jason as Batman: please tell me-

Dick: you treat my fucking brother with respect, Harper.

Jason as Batman: *loses his shit*