My woke take, as someone who has worked in both a public library and a school library, is that we desperately need both more books that are at a higher reading level but a less mature subject matter, and more books that are at a lower reading level but a more mature subject matter, because 8 year olds who are advanced readers are still 8 year olds and don't want to read about graphic violence and torture, and teens and adults who have learning difficulties or who are just later readers for whatever reason are still teens and adults and don't want to read about Billy the Bunny going to school or whatever the hell.
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i have been shaving my head for several months now and im an old hand at most of the weirdness that comes with it. ive seen so many strange things - a beanie torn in half after i tried brute force yanking it off my stubble, strangers hands gripping my head like a sort of fleshy bowling ball, c-beams glittering in the dark by the tanhauser gate.
but still, sometimes, things surprise me. and i was surprised today. because today an old man approached me at the park. and he said, you know, im a pediatrician.
which is already a weird start to a conversation, because i didnt know that. and maybe i should have just rolled with it, but instead i went
wait. i dont know that. why did you think i knew that?
which didn't even put him slightly off balance.
cuz you're bald, he said, so confidently that i didnt even question it until the conversation was over. now. i was - i was over there, sitting -
and he gestured across the park to a giant pile of soft dirt that had an almost cartoonishly exaggerated ass print on it which derailed me for the second time. right? because whoever sat on that dirt, clearly, had an ass like two coconuts being fired out of a spanish cannon. whereas this man had an ass that could probably only be detected with powerful scientific instruments. i told him this in more succint terms by simply saying that was clearly not his buttprint.
now at this point we'd gotten derailed twice, and as unflappable as he'd been the first time, he was starting to get a little defensive. so he said perhaps someone with a large butt sat down after i got up, and i said why are you lying about where you were sitting, and he said why would i do that? and i said if i knew, i wouldnt be asking, and he said fine, i was driving by - and i said why didn't you just say you were driving by?!?!?!?! and he said because i didn't want you to think i was the kind of crazy person that would just stop his car to tell a stranger in a park that he, as a pediatrician, could tell that your parents REALLY cared about tummy time!
then he left. angrily. he actually stomped back to his car. i dont know when i started laughing but i didnt stop until i got home. my voice is still all scratchy right now. ive been in a little bit of a writing funk but i had to get this down while i could still remember it so perfectly.
and as a tangent, i cannot emphasize enough the benefits of going outside and interacting with the public. it is a constant source of joy. every place on earth is the weirdest place on earth. i will never be able to write a character as fascinating as the people i run into at the park. but god help me, i have to try.
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This is musings, and not a data-backed post, but I feel like the huge push for AI in software will cause a gender backslide in the industry.
The sort of "high-risk, unvetted, 'trust me bro!!'" hype buy-in is--at least in my experience--a very male-dominated niche. Saw it with crypto, saw it with NFTs, but this time around it's being sought-out and rewarded with regard to AI hype.
Back in my day (checks watch) like 8 years ago, software as a discipline fell fairly in line with other STEM disciplines. It was a science and part of a structured education. Normalized access via college education did bring a lot of women to the field, by what I saw.
Something's rancid now. I don't have a pulse-check inside colleges, but it feels like the whole industry is abrasive against anyone who can't demonstrate evangelized love for the hype.
"I gave Cursor complete access to my full computer and at the cost of $28 of tokens it built software that manages my entire bank account" is a real type of person on Twitter, he's statistically male, and he's who the industry wants right now...
Reminded me of this article. Two identical resumes had vastly different hiring outcomes, with the female candidate Emily being more harshly judged than her male counterpart James for using AI.
Gender bias was always there but now it's amplified by AI.
maybe im cracking but had a little laugh when i realized the person who had urgently messaged me last week about a problem that is way out of my wheelhouse but im expected to solve anyway is no longer even with the company.
so funny. do people even realize this work isnt urgent at all and they can be let go at any moment?
Controversial take but I think we more often need to accept that sometimes it’s not personal, but that a person still doesn’t fuck with us. They don’t want a relationship with us, they don’t wanna be our friend. We’re not their type for whatever reason. They don’t hate us but they aren’t interested in building something with us in any capacity. It’s not that they have a lot going on, it’s not that they can’t receive love, it’s not what a lot of people concoct just not to deal with the sting of rejection. Sometimes we’re just not somebody’s type. And that’s okay and we don’t have to curl up in fetal position in a corner about it. We will not be the type of every person we encounter and that is natural and nothing to lose sleep over
its hard to get out of the habit of judging yourself. it becomes this knee jerk reaction. its present even before you put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard.
you're constantly worrying if your words will offend someone. you dont want anyone to take your shit the wrong way. then you end up writing a very boring scene and getting upset about it.
i remember collabing with someone on a story. the idea was that the main character attends university, gets stuck working a semester group project with a guy he already hates, and eventually they fall for each other.
the problem was my writing partner just. could not deal with conflict at all. she loved the IDEA of it, the premise was solid. she loved the idea of writing a reconciliation and them making up and realizing they were more alike than different.
but when we got to writing it. It went like this.
Guy A stomped over to Bs desk and hefted his backpack down. slamming it so hard it shook the desk. says something like, " ugh, cant believe im stuck with you." B glares back at him. "feeling's mutual" he grumbles.
her: we shouldnt do that
me: why not?
her: well it just feels too mean.
me: well ya because theyre an asshole?
her: cant we at least tone it down? we can do more later, for now they should just say hi and we can build to the argument later. that way readers dont get put off
me: ooohkay
so we threw that out the window. i proceed to write stuff with her suggesting things in the background like "have him introduce the group project!"
guy A comes over to B. he says Hello. B says Hi back. A says so what are we doing with the project? B says Im not sure, what do you wanna do?
it proceeds to write like. extremely bland. they just discuss the project. they say goodbye and leave.
her: im not sure whats wrong..
me: i find it boring
her: ...yeah. its boring. we should rewrite it!
me: okay...so you want me to rewrite it?
this happened like. 50 times. im not even joking, thats how many chapters we had. we reached ~90k words before i quit the collaboration.
i get that my writing partner was just. not experienced. neither am i frankly. neither of us are professionals.
but as soon as the conversation turned to shit like. Oh we should sell it. it felt like all she cared about was making sure not to offend. i told her if it sold it sold, if it didnt, it didnt. i didn't really care. i just liked the story.
Honestly just. it really really is better to write for yourself. and only you. if your readers get offended that A is acting like a jackass, then maybe theyre not your target audience.
another life lesson. dont collaborate with people who dont match your energy. don't collaborate with people who are had looking to extract value rather than have fun.
(I'm not even opposed to selling a book, but i am not interested in writing TO sell. it sucks but it is what it is. )
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Filling out forms at the dentist or optometrist or other -ists is weird because they'll ask for your primary care physician but it's like.
I don't have one. I feel weird even asking for one. even if i did, I certainly would never have the audacity to give you their phone number.
And honestly like. I know there are people who have a PCP. This is a thing that exists or it wouldn't be important enough to be on these forms. There are people who manage chronic conditions with the help of their PCP and people who actually see a dr regularly instead of just ignoring problems until they go away.
But it always felt like a thing that was for other people. I can't imagine having a dr who knows me and cares and gives me their phone number.
I've changed healthcare providers constantly due to job changes so even if i went through the work of finding a pcp, it might just be pointless if i get laid off tomorrow.
everytime i have gone to the dr ive been talked down to or minimized and i honestly just. give up.
I don't even go for an annual checkup anymore because last time that happened I got charged a shit ton of money despite it just being a physical?
i kept getting charges even a year later. it took so much digging into my credit card statements and receipts to figure out what was going on and that they were just charging me again and again and finally i had to send a letter explaining I wasn't paying it again and it looked like a system error on their part. the whole exp was exhausting. yes it was a one-off but it was extraordinarily stressful.
I sometimes feel weird about this because it seems like everyone else has a normal relationship with medical stuff and i dont. i just ignore things and i solve stuff on my own. webmd is my doctor. google is my doctor. and if all else fails i just lie in bed, drink water, and hope things just resolve.
• any target
• churches in texas
• abandoned 7/11’s
• your bedroom at 5 am
• hospitals at midnight
• warehouses that smell like dust
• lighthouses with lights that don’t work anymore
• empty parking lots
• ponds and lakes in suburban neighborhoods
• rooftops in the early morning
• inside a dark cabinet
A lot of these places are called liminal spaces - which means they are throughways from one space to the next. Places like rest stops, stairwells, trains, parking lots, waiting rooms, airports feel weird when you’re in them because their existence is not about themselves, but the things before and after them. They have no definitive place outside of their relationship to the spaces you are coming from and going to. Reality feels altered here because we’re not really supposed to be in them for a long time for think about them as their own entities, and when we do they seem odd and out of place.
The other spaces feel weird because our brains are hard-wired for context - we like things to belong to a certain place and time and when we experience those things outside of the context our brains have developed for them, our brains are like NOPE SHIT THIS ISN’T RIGHT GET OUT ABORT ABORT. Schools not in session, empty museums, being awake when other people are asleep - all these things and spaces feel weird because our brain is like “I already have a context for this space and this is not it so it must be dangerous.” Our rational understanding can sometimes override that immediate “danger” impulse but we’re still left with a feeling of wariness and unease.
Listen I am very passionate about liminal spaces they are fascinating stuff or perhaps I am merely a nerd.
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I didn't talk badly about you, I talked about what you did to me. If that makes someone look bad, that's between them and their behavior. Because telling the truth about your experience isn't bitterness, it's clarity. And I'm not responsible for protecting someone's image when they had no problem damaging my peace. Sometimes the truth only sounds harsh because someone benefited from the silence. But those days are over.
