sashimi

‘  you’re a terrible person. it’s hilarious.  ’ ‘  you ruined it. you’re a dumb raccoon.  ’ ‘  i hate your mustache because i miss your upper lip, okay?  ’ ‘  anything in pairs makes me choked up! shoes, socks… chopsticks.  ’ ‘  it’s legal meth. medical meth for my… cramps.  ’ ‘  ahh! son of a bi– penis! …that wasn’t better.  ’ ‘  i hope you have a minor career setback, learn from it, relocate, and ultimately have a very nice life.  ’ ‘  i don’t play by your rules! i can drink at 11:00… a.m.  ’ ‘  this is my only face! i don’t have a lot of faces!  ’ ‘  i’m pretty sure i’m having a heart attack and i haven’t arranged for anybody to clear my internet history… i wasn’t building a bomb! i was just curious!  ’ ‘  i just think long distance relationships suck. i once broke up with a someone who lived only thirty minutes away.  ’ ‘  the enemy is the en-e-my. the enemy is the inner me.  ’ ‘  shawty, what that thing do?  ’ ‘  i don’t want nobody to eat me! i have thick thighs! i got a fat ass!  ’ ‘  i know what it’ll feel like when i stop drinking so i’m just gonna stay a little drunk… forever.  ’ ‘  i’m gonna have fun because there’s nothing wrong with who i am.  ’ ‘  if you don’t like that then tough tater tots, tooter.  ’ ‘  i want to be someone that somebody is looking for, but what do i have to offer?  ’ ‘  that’s easy, you’re the cute one.  ’ ‘  what happened? i don’t know what hap… i blacked out.  ’ ‘  don’t boop him!  ’ ‘  i’m literally not moving. i’m so not worried about you.  ’ ‘  i am a grown woman that is in love with her ex-boyfriend that has a girlfriend… and i’ve been stealing my neighbor’s wi-fi.  ’ ‘  my checks have baby farm animals on them, bitch!  ’ ‘  i hope you like feminist rants ‘cause that’s kind of my thing.  ’ ‘  oh, my gosh! look, it’s food! i love food. i can’t even remember what we were talking about.  ’ ‘  i’m probably fine, but i also might be dead.  ’ ‘  i feel like i want to murder someone, and also i want a soft pretzel.  ’ ‘  they’re on a flip phone. i mean, they’re either poor or a time traveler.  ’ ‘  i swear to god i will scream sing every last word to les mis!!  ’ ‘  i look at you and i see a stunning physical specimen. it’s like you were created in a lab full of gay scientists.  ’ ‘  i’d trust beyoncé with my life.  ’ ‘  what a wonderful day. quick reminder: we’re all dying.  ’ ‘  my funeral is my time to shine.  ’ ‘  stop being so mean to me or i swear to god, i’m gonna fall in love with you.  ’ ‘  please let me hate myself and everything that i have created!  ’ ‘  as a matter of fact, i am tired and i am hungry.  ’ ‘  am i attracted to murderers?  ’ ‘  it is perfectly fine to watch tv all day.  ’ ‘  i’m not convinced i know how to read. i’ve just memorized a lot of words.  ’ ‘  this place is fancy and i don’t know which fork to kill myself with.  ’ ‘  do i regret it? yes. would i do it again? probably.  ’ ‘  i like getting older. i feel like i’m finally aging into my personality.  ’ ‘  saturday is a day for sleeping and damn it, you will not take that from me.  ’ ‘  you know, i’m just staying positive, but i’m pretty sure this is where we die.  ’ ‘  i have a cat. he’s not ready to have a relationship with you, so just don’t try to force it on him.  ’ ‘  you got hurt. that doesn’t mean you stop trying.  ’ ‘  if you tell anyone we held hands, i have two people in my phone that will kill you.  ’ ‘  girl, i’mma marry you.  ’ ‘  damn it! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!  ’ ‘  can we take a moment to celebrate me?  ’ ‘  i just looked down and i thought, this girl must be wearing sneakers with shoelaces and those shoelaces are tied together because this girl is straight up trippin’, yo.  ’ ‘  i’m a squirrel. you’re my nut. winter’s coming. i’m gonna store you in my cheek, girl.  ’ ‘  the economy sucks, bees are dying, movies are pretty much all sequels, and i have a broken penis. don’t pretend to know my pain.  ’ ‘  the good news is i’m feeling sober. the bad news is maybe i’m too sober.  ’ ‘  exes are a part of the past. you burn ‘em swiftly and you give their ashes to poseidon.  ’ ‘  nothing is ever truly broken.  ’ ‘  i know this isn’t gonna sound well, but the whole middle part’s gonna be awesome.  ’ ‘  wanna get married?  ’ ‘  the very fact that socks exist is proof that shoes don’t work.  ’ ‘  please put your shirt back on. don’t make me laugh at you.  ’ ‘  we’re having a baby. i really didn’t think it was going to happen for us.  ’ ‘  the only reason i said no earlier is because i needed to show you how much i wanted to say yes.  ’ ‘  you’re just the most throat-punchable boy in all the world.  ’ ‘  love is never what you think it’s going to be.  ’ ‘  i just got you and i’m not letting you go.  ’ ‘  i have your back, no matter what.  ’ ‘  i can buy my own pizza! …can somebody please loan me $15?  ’ ‘  what kind of taco mean do you bitches have?  ’ ‘  i’m gonna be fine. i am. you know why? cause i met you. that’s why i’m okay.  ’ ‘  i’m the voice of reason, that’s why you brought me with.  ’ ‘  he’s my best friend. what if he gets into an accident? what if he’s horribly disfigured and i have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts? and i’m standing there saying, ‘no officer, i can’t help you because no, i haven’t seen his penis.’ and then boom! he’s buried in an unmarked grave.  ’ ‘  i am not a successful adult! i don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself!  ’ ‘  i was put in an awkward situation and i reacted poorly.  ’ ‘  i’m gonna hit your ass with a ski.  ’ ‘  you realize i say ‘goodnight’ to you every night and you never say ‘goodnight’ back? what is your problem? do you not want me to have a good night?  ’ ‘  i’m a color blind american citizen and i can’t do puzzles.  ’ ‘  i want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles.  ’ ‘  how cute am i?  ’ ‘  maybe if we get drunk then magically everything will just happen.  ’ ‘  give me cookie, got you cookie! you gave me cookie, i got you a cookie,  man! we’re even!  ’ ‘  shall i compare thee to a summer’s day? no, a summer’s day is not a bitch.  ’ ‘  i like to improvise with my body. i’m a sexual snowflake, each night is a unique experience.  ’ ‘  hahaha. what a dumb idea… do it!  ’ ‘  if i had a dollar for everybody i couldn’t hang out with because they hated you, i’d be so rich.  ’ ‘  what it be, girl? what you got going on, ma? it’s the freakin’ weekend.  ’ ‘  you can’t choose who you love, sometimes they choose you  ’ ‘  i thought god just didn’t give me abs.  ’ ‘  i don’t mean to be laughing, but are you okay?  ’ ‘  pink wine makes me slutty.  ’ ‘  i just want to listen to taylor swift alone.  ’ ‘  i will shred myself! i will shred myself in the shredder!  ’ ‘  i haven’t gotten a non-text message in two years.  ’ ‘  the point of dating is just to keep on dating and then never stop. it’s like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist.  ’ ‘  are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch.  ’ ‘  your life’s like gossip girl… only everyone is old and poor.  ’ ‘  men suck, remember?  ’ ‘  actually, that’s not fair. she might be a really nice ho.  ’ ‘  should i add a ‘woo-hoo’ or is that too bitchy?  ’ ‘  i am a woman. the smartest species of them all.  ’

“just looking at my garage pail kids.” 

‘  i don’t know which fork to kill myself with.  ’ ‘  damn it! i can’t find my driving moccasins anywhere!  ’ ‘  i’m really bad at making decision.  ’ ‘  if i had a dollar for everybody i couldn’t hang out with because they hated you, i’d be so rich.  ’ ‘  i just want to listen to taylor swift alone.  ’ ‘  pink wine makes me slutty.  ’ ‘  i’m like a mailman, except instead of mail, it’s hot sex that i deliver.  ’ ‘  i don’t mean to be laughing, but are you okay?  ’ ‘  i had figure skating lessons since i was thirteen and then my mom sobered up and realized i was a boy.  ’ ‘  i don’t think it’s fair that women have an excuse once a month to act irrationally angry when the rest of us have to keep it together all the time.  ’ ‘  this plan is officially the worst!  ’ ‘  don’t pretend to know my pain.  ’ ‘  you misspelled the word ‘rhythm’ 38 times.  ’ ‘  i’m as mad as a dad in traffic!  ’ ‘  i could do this all day, son!  ’ ‘  you sons of bitches ready to party?  ’ ‘  i’m dealing with a dingus.  ’ ‘  you’re the most throat-punchable boy in all the world.  ’ ‘  that’s like the president and the vice president not being best friends.  ’ ‘  oh, goodness gracious! what are you, a sorcerer?  ’ ‘  i can buy my own pizza! can somebody please loan me $15?  ’ ‘  i gotta tell my best friend i’m in love with her.  ’ ‘  i’m– i’m pregnant. i mean, you’re pregnant. we’re pregnant!  ’ ‘  what kind of taco meat do you bitches have?  ’ ‘  i think you need me too much.  ’ ‘  i’m gonna be fine. i am. you know why? cause i met you. that’s why i’m okay.  ’ ‘  i’m the voice of reason, that’s why you brought me with.  ’ ‘  we didn’t bring you with. you followed us there in your car.  ’ ‘  saturday is a day for sleeping, and damn it, you will not take that away from me!  ’ ‘  i’ve seen his penis like… a million times.  ’ ‘  he’s my best friend. what if he gets into an accident? what if he’s horribly disfigured and i have to identify him and all that remains are his private parts? and i’m standing there and i’m saying, ‘no officer, i can’t help you because no, i haven’t seen his penis’ and then boom! he’s buried in an unmarked grave.  ’ ‘  people are the worst.  ’ ‘  hey, do you have any snacks?  ’ ‘  it’s a weird life, but it’s where i’m at right now.  ’ ‘  i was put in an awkward situation and i reacted poorly.  ’ ‘  it is perfectly fine to watch tv all day!  ’ ‘  i am not a successful adult! i don’t eat vegetables and/or take care of myself.  ’ ‘  as a matter of fact, i am tired and i am hungry.  ’ ‘  if i don’t know what’s gonna happen, i don’t do something. ever. i don’t care how much i want to do it.  ’ ‘  i’m gonna hit your ass with a ski.  ’ ‘  i want to cover everything up on my body with bubbles.  ’ ‘  how cute am i?  ’ ‘  i’m a color-blind american citizen and i can’t do puzzles.  ’ ‘  what’s your problem? don’t you want me to have a good night?  ’ ‘  maybe if we get drunk then magically everything will just happen.  ’ ‘  anything beautiful is worth getting hurt for.  ’ ‘  every prank you do turns out either too big or too small.  ’ ‘  it burns! it burns!  ’ ‘  why does your hair look so baby soft?!  ’ ‘  how do you get this thing off? get it off of me!  ’ ‘  everyone drinks midori sours! it’s a melon liqueur!  ’ ‘  what do i think the puzzle will look like? the pictures on the box. it’s a japense garden!  ’ ‘  what the hell is wrong with you, just waving that thing around like an idiot?  ’ ‘  give me the spot or i’ll kill you all!  ’ ‘  i will shred myself! i will shred myself in the shredder!  ’ ‘  that tastes disgusting, i don’t like it.  ’ ‘  sometimes i feel like you’re in one of those weird man-dog body-switch movies.  ’ ‘  where are your nipples, man?!  ’ ‘  stop being so mean to me or i swear to go i’m going to fall in love with you!  ’ ‘  i want you to get off my farm!  ’ ‘  i don’t have a vagina!  ’ ‘  this is my only face! i don’t have a lot of faces!  ’ ‘  i refuse to pay for the wifey.  ’ ‘  i don’t like it! it’s too much responsibility!  ’ ‘  shall i compare thee to a summer’s day? no, a summer’s day is not a bitch.  ’ ‘  gave me cookie, got you cookie! you gave me cookie, i got you cookie, man!  ’ ‘  back off, i’m starving!  ’ ‘  your job could be done by a vending machine.  ’ ‘  i thought god just didn’t give me abs.  ’ ‘  what you’re doing is illegal.  ’ ‘  i’m not taking advice from you. you pronounce the ‘g’ in ‘lasagna’.  ’ ‘  and i’m taking this remote because you always hit the info button by mistake.  ’ ‘  are we all just living in the mind of a giant?  ’ ‘  i don’t trust fish. they breath water! that’s crazy.  ’ ‘  do i regret it? yes. would i do it again? probably.  ’ ‘  i can’t work under pressure like this. you know i get nervous. i am just a man. i am not a god.  ’ ‘  first order of business: we eat their food.  ’ ‘  can i get an alcohol?  ’ ‘  if you are for one second suggesting that i don’t know how to open a musical, how dare you!  ’ ‘  the bees are back!  ’ ‘  i haven’t gotten a non-text message in two years.  ’ ‘  the only acceptable pet for a man to have is a saltwater fish.  ’ ‘  the point of dating is just to keep on dating and then never stop. it’s like burning fossil fuels or seeing a therapist.  ’ ‘  you ever wonder if someone in here has killed someone?  ’ ‘  you realize i say ‘goodnight’ to you every night and you never say ‘goodnight’ back? what is your problem? do you not want me to have a good night?  ’ ‘  i’ve made out with half of the people in this room.  ’ ‘  i’ve had nightmares about making out with two of the guys in this room.  ’ ‘  ah! son of a bi– …penis. that wasn’t better.  ’ ‘  someone’s personalized condoms just came in the mail.  ’ ‘  i just found a groupon for hypnosis lessons. think about what you could do with that! sex stuff.  ’ ‘  has anyone seen my good peacoat?  ’ ‘  hahaha. what a dumb idea. do it!  ’ ‘  this is the coin i had in my pocket the first night we kissed. and i always have it.  ’ ‘  i feel like i want to murder someone and i also want soft pretzels.  ’ ‘  i hate doors!  ’ ‘  suck it, mr. krabs!  ’ ‘  no, i don’t dance. i’m from the town in footloose.  ’ ‘  are you sure you’re okay? you’re walking like a disney witch.  ’ ‘  he asked me if i wanted to watch planet of the apes. i didn’t know he meant right now.  ’ ‘  would you eat your damn sandwich?  ’ ‘  when you see a dog cage for sale, you buy it.  ’ ‘  you know… i don’t get what’s going on here.  ’ ‘  hey, you made a difference. how does it feel?  ’ ‘  do you have a tank top i could borrow? you look about my size.  ’ ‘  cheers to unemployment!  ’ ‘  i was about to catch you but then you fell.  ’ ‘  there are tampons hidden all around the apartment.  ’ ‘  i think somebody had sex in my bedroom last night. i think that because they’re still in there having sex, i think.  ’ ‘  please take that thing off. you look like a homeless pencil.  ’ ‘  we are gonna make it!  ’ ‘  i’m not ready to lose you. i just got you and i’m not letting you go.  ’ ‘  i can think of five reasons why i wanted to be your friend: boob, boob, vagina, butt cheek, butt cheek.  ’ ‘  actually, that’s not fair, she might be a really nice ho.  ’ ‘  i’m not doing squats or anything. i’m just trying to eat less donuts.  ’ ‘  you’re gonna be fine. you’re gonna meet somebody and you’re gonna fall in love.  ’ ‘  who’s gonna… lay down a flag on this sweet, sweet continent?  ’ ‘  i like to improvise with my body. i’m like a sexual snowflake. each night with me is a unique experience.  ’ ‘  you can run away from your problems, but you’re just gonna find new ones that pop up.  ’ ‘  i hope you like feminist rants ‘cause that’s my thing.  ’

+ roobios 

theatre academia: shakespeare, all the time - quoting, reading, praying for a school production of a midsummer nights dream. or the crucible. memorizing lines in the wings. taking on your character’s traits, even outside the theater.

miles, through his fist: I’m sorry what did you just say

 so both Miles and Gwen would have slightly off memes and distress him when he has a hard enough time remembering his own world’s memes

Peter: whAT the fUCK

i….can’t..FUCKING BREATHE…afsyfjdkshaj

One of the best parts of having a toddler in your life that can navigate YouTube is they find some wild shit

I’d like to point out that the colour red has more positive than negative meanings.

red can mean whatever the heck you want it to mean, that is never going to change that this straight up looks like they DRAGGED A BLOODY BODY ACROSS THE FUCKING FLOOR 😂

like, color theory doesn’t exist in a vacuum. If your design of choice for Blood Red Paint is asymmetric splatters and sploches against the wall, or in this case, a snail trail on the hallway’s floor, an infographic won’t override the viewers’ instinct.

Me, an intellectual: well you see it’s basic color theory…

It looks like blood? No it’s cOlOr THeOry

this whole thread is making my heart break 😩

Heart attacks symptoms are different for women. I recently learned this. 

it was scary bc i didnt know these were the symptoms for female heart issues

Dormant Predators

This is why I have this. Even if they can get the lock opened they can’t push the door open. Got it at Lowes for $20.