Crowded Thoughts

I've been diagnosed with ADHD (finally).

My fiance and I went poly after a kink-related issue happened. (Intense eye contact caused sub drop, which was absolutely wild.)

We both started dating someone.

I started dating her boyfriend.

He's been helping me with my communication issues and I've improved massively in that area.

Fiance and I broke up because neither of them would no longer allow us to ignore the massive issues we had. He and I are so much healthier now.

Most of my life, my #genderidentity has been fairly solidly just plain "female". Several years ago, I began having feelings of something else, something different. Something more? Nah, just something... different.

Gender identity wasn't something I really considered until I felt a change. It's not something you can really put words on. "How did you feel this change?" "Where [mentally, emotionally] did you feel this change?"

Honestly, I don't know. And it wasn't until just in the past several months that I realized what I felt even really had a name. I've heard of demigirls and demiboys, but that just. It didn't *fit* my feelings. Girlflux and boyflux are microlabels next to demigirl/boy, but the definition thereof just didn't really sit right with me. So it was "mostly female and a teeny bit. something else". And feelings persisted in a spread I'd call like. 95% female, 5%. Not female? Formless... entity? Is "entity" even a gender identity?

Then when I heard about the girlflux label, saw it's flag, and what it is, I was like "That's it! That's me!" And since then I've also come to tentatively call it "void". I'm mostly female, but there's a teeny bit of me that's. nothing.

Typing out these thoughts, I wonder if it's more like gender null? I'm not that well-versed though.

Anyway, I digress. Back to the application.

I realized that, during that application, my identity has shifted over time more to be along the lines of 80%, 85% female. I prefer she/her pronouns and I like the idea of the occasion "they" peppered in. But I used it to see how I'd feel about it, but it still doesn't fit. Same goes with "it" and "xe". I like the ideas of these pronouns, but they still don't fit quite right.