~3k words of a Titans Rebirth (Dispatch Inspired) AU.Ā title is from a song called Leonard Cohen by boygenius.
dick grayson x reader, ex-friends to lovers, kinda co-workers to lovers. fem!reader, reader uses she/her pronouns. reader is Robert Robertson coded. reader uses a mech suit, and uses the codename Cyber (Cy for short). i always write with a black reader in mind because Iām black, but I stay away from physical descriptions as much as possible. reader is 29 years old. this is part 1/8, loosely structurally following Dispatch.Ā
TW: Death of a parent, some hints of suicidal ideation but it's not explicit. If thatās not something you want to read about, please feel free to click away!
Episode 1: Pivot
You werenāt ever an official member of the Titans, but you werenāt a total stranger either. Sometimes, theyād ask for an extra set of hands on a mission. Or when something suited your skills, youād sub in.
When a mission ended and you werenāt ready to go home yet, or when you needed some special patching up, youād find yourself at Titan Tower, and Dick Grayson was usually somewhere close. Some nights youād do research together, plan sting operations and tactical interventions. Most nights would start out with official hero work, and theyād end with you and the Boy Wonder eating takeout and bonding over your similar lives.Ā
You were both child soldiers, of a kind. Dick was the worldās best-known sidekick, trying with all his might to be just like Bruce. Your mech suit was a family heirloom, and your heroism was your inheritance. Your father had been Mechaman Astral, and his father had been Mechaman Prime. Your dad expected a boy child, but instead he got you. So, you took the suit on anyway and called yourself Cyber.
In those days, before you officially donned the suit, you were only there as your fatherās support. Youād plan and train and study, occasionally going out with him on the low-threat missions. Cyber was a mask, a costume and a fun weekend job. You got to help people, it was fulfilling. It was also the only time you ever got to spend with your dad.Ā
You and Dick shared a kind of complex, a burning need to prove yourselves worthy of the mantles you carried. It was the kind of thing that made a good basis for friendship. You knew one anotherās triggers and insecurities without having to say them out loud, because they were mostly the same. Dick was something like your best friend, your only friend, really.
He was like your mirror. He had a bad pun for any moment when you were too serious for your age. You had a tight hug whenever he talked like he was spinning out. And then, when you were nineteen, your father died.
You became the hero you had always wanted to be, working solo, as your dad always had, in a mech suit that wasnāt made for you. You officially turned your back on the Titans and on Dick Grayson, once and for all.Ā
Ten Years Later.
You had always assumed youād die in the suit. That was your fate, same as your dad and same as his dad. So, when Shroudās bomb exploded and you were free falling in a non-functional mech suit, you closed your eyes and waited to take your last breath. This would be the end of Cyber, and of you. And then, bizarrely, you woke up on the ground.
The suit was in pieces, you couldnāt feel your left arm, and you hurt all over, but you wereĀ alive!Ā You were happy for a moment and then it hit you. You had survived, but the suit looked absolutely wrecked. That meant you had failed. You had let your family down. You passed back into unconsciousness.Ā
You wake up two weeks later, in a hospital bed. The room is stark white, but it doesnāt feel like a regular hospital room. The bed is too soft, and you can hear laughter coming from somewhere. You groan when you see a red blur whizzing through the door. That could only be Wally West or Barry Allen. Either way, youāre probably in some Justice League or Titans facility. You arenāt an official member of either team, but hero hospitals were few and far between, and heroes tend to protect heroes. Even heroes who want to be alone, apparently.Ā
The blur resolves into a person, and you sigh. Yep, itās Wally. Ginger and chewing on something, like always.Ā
āYouāre up!ā he cheers, and then heās off again, presumably to get someone with actual medical expertise. You grumble as you sit up. Youāre weak and you fail on your first try. You twist on the bed and put your feet on the ground, breathing through the dizziness. You remove the oxygen mask from your face and, just as youāre trying to pull out your IV, a nurse walks in and freaks out.
She rushes to you and tries to stop you, but you push on. Youāre used to recovering on your own. Thatās what youād been doing ever since the suit became yours. You just need to get back to your apartment, pop a couple of painkillers and wait for the hurt to pass. Just because this time is a little worse than usual doesnāt mean you need all this fuss. Wally zooms back in before you can finish shaking the nurse off.Ā
āWoah, woah, woah,ā he stops you from getting up with two gentle, but definitely strong, arms on your shoulders. āYou just woke up from a coma. You are not going anywhere.ā
You try to argue, but he muscles you back into bed, keeping watch as he signals for the nurse to get someone else to help.Ā
āWally, seriously, I am not staying here. I donāt even know whereĀ hereĀ is! Let me go.āĀ
He purses his lips. Wally West hardly ever looks serious, but he sure does right now. Heās standing right next to the too-soft bed, ready to stop you if you try to bolt again.Ā
āSo youĀ doĀ remember my name! Nice to see you too, Cy. Itās only been what, ten fucking years! Ten years since you went radio silent on all of us and took your suit solo! No goodbye, no contact, nothing!āĀ
You roll your eyes. Youād spent the last decade expecting this confrontation.Ā
āI was never a Titan. I donāt owe you guys anything. I decided to work alone because thatās how I work best, and now, if you donāt mind, Iād like to get back to it.āĀ
āEven if that was true ā which itĀ isnātĀ ā you need to see a doctor before you go anywhere. And your suitās a wreck, so Iām not sure what exactly youād be getting back to,ā he snarked.Ā
You glower at him, trying to keep the hurt inside. Youād expected that the suit wouldnāt make it, but the confirmation makes your eyes prick with tears. You blink them away before Wally can see. Heās a Meta, so he wouldnāt get it. If you donāt have a suit, you donāt have anything. You arenāt smart and skilled, like the Batman and his trainees. Aside from some basic hand-to-hand combat and your average hacking skills, you donāt have anything to offer without the suit and its weapons systems. Itās also all you had left of your father. No time to linger on that now.
You take a deep breath.Ā
āNo suit means Iām a civilian. I can go to a regular hospital with my regular shitty health insurance. I donāt need to be in whatever hero facility this is. So. Let. Me. Go.āĀ
Wally begins to reply, but then the door opens, and a doctor walks in, trailed by someone tall and lithe in a black and blue suit. Nightwing. Of fucking course heād be here. This must be a Titans facility, then.Ā
Heās grinning that stupid smile of his, and the pretty doctor is twirling her hair as she giggles at something he says. Dick Grayson always was too charming for his own good. Heās still smiling when he turns to you, though it does falter a little, becoming more awkward and strained.
āIām so glad youāre awake,ā he says, eyes soft and gentle even through his domino mask.Ā
You sigh. You canāt let those eyes get to you.Ā
āYeah, thanks, me too. But now that Iām awake, I donāt want to be here anymore. Iād like to leave. Please.āĀ
You add the last word as a placation. It doesnāt work.Ā
The smile which was faltering falls. Dickās brow furrows, he straightens up a little. Leader mode. His body language was just as easy to read as it had been when he was Robin. When he speaks again, his voice is stern.Ā
āYouāve been in a coma for two weeks. We donāt know the extent of the damage. You will leave when the doctors give me their endorsement. Until then, Iām afraid youāre stuck here.āĀ
āYou canāt keep me here without my consent!ā you protest.Ā
āThis is a Titans facility. I am the leader of the Titans, so I can do whatever I think is in your best interest. Now sit still, so Dr Jones can do her thing. The less you fight me on this, the quicker she can get done and the sooner you can leave.āĀ
His voice is professional and cold. He steps back and gestures to the doctor. She smiles shyly back and takes the stethoscope from around her neck. You slump back in the bed, awash with a sudden wave of exhaustion. Your arguing took more energy than you had. Dick turns and leaves the room, without another word.Ā
But Wally stays, his arms crossed. You sigh and close your eyes, answering her questions. Sheās doing her job. Itās not her fault that youāre here. You can feel Wallyās eyes on you the entire time.Ā
You try not to think about the fact that youāre twenty-nine and your entire lifeās work is over. Not right now.Ā
Itās been two days, and youāre still in the Titans infirmary. The doctors have assured you that you can leave tomorrow. Wally keeps you company. You havenāt seen Dick once since that first visit. Donna is off world with Garth, dealing with some intergalactic threat. Roy and Lilith have been by, briefly, but theyāre busy. Youāre surprised they want to see you at all. Itās not like youāve been a particularly good friend in the last decade.
Wallyās in his civvies this time, and heās got a bag of potato chips that youāre passing back and forth.Ā
āSo,ā Wally begins, sitting on an armchair near your bed. āHave you decided what youāre going to do now?āĀ
āIāll hold a press conference. Tell the world the suit is beyond repair and Iām retiring. And then Iāll⦠I donāt know. Iāll figure it out. I have a couple monthsā rent before I burn through the last of the money my dad left, and then I guess Iāll find a job.āĀ
Your dad wasnāt Bruce Wayne levels of rich, but he had left enough for you to get by on. Theoretically, you should have been set for life, at just nineteen. The mech suit was a problem, though. It constantly needed repairs, and repairs were expensive. You would have needed to find a solution to the money problem soon anyway.Ā
āA job doing what, exactly?ā Wally asks. Itās a fair question; one youāve been thinking about too. āYouāre twenty-nine, you have no actual work experience, and you didnāt go to college.āĀ
Heās right. You never made a Plan B. You didnāt think you needed to.Ā
āI donāt know, Wally. I guess thatās what Iāll be figuring out.āĀ
Heās uncharacteristically silent for a few moments.Ā
āThere is something you can do. But youāre not going to like it.āĀ
You give him an appraising look.Ā
āTell me.ā
He takes a deep breath.Ā
āEver since the Titans have been expanding, weāve needed someone on base who can run comms and logistics. You and Rob ā sorry, Nightwing ā spent hours learning how to do that stuff when you were kids. Youāll be the man ā er, person ā in the chair. The new kids on our team are young, green. Literally, in one case,ā he snickers before continuing. āHaving someone with experience who can keep them in line will free the rest of us up to handle the big baddies, while they take on the low-level threats. You can choose who goes on what missions and tell them how to get it done. If I remember correctly, you do love bossing people around.āĀ
You frown. Youāre not sure what you expected, but this wasnāt it.Ā
āSo, you want me to sit in front of a computer while you go do the real hero work?āĀ
āWe ā uh,Ā IĀ think it will be a productive use of your skills, given the fact that your suit is unusable. Youāll add to the teamās success rate and mentor younger members effectively.āĀ
Youāre quiet for a moment. Wally has never used phrases like āsuccess rateā and āproductive use of skillsā in his life.
āHe put you up to this, didnāt he?āĀ
Wally winces at your sharp change in tone.Ā
āDi- um, I mean, Nightwing thought youād take it better coming from me. But I really do think itās a good idea! Just think about it,ā he adds, when you still donāt reply.Ā
āTell Grayson to grow up and talk to me himself andĀ thenĀ Iāll think about it.āĀ
Wally sighs. He had kind of expected this.
āIāll see if I can find him,ā he said, and then zoomed off.Ā
You donāt know why Dick is avoiding you. You can probably guess that it has something to do with the whole āghosting him for a decadeā thing, but itās been ten years! And your dad had just died, leaving you to deal with his estate and his funeral and all of your grief.Ā
You hadnāt seen Dick in person since the day of the funeral. You were nineteen, in a new black dress, and he held you while you sobbed. Your father was dead before you had a chance to show him that you could be the child he wanted, an asset in the field! Now heād never know. You were nineteen and an orphan. If anyone could understand how that felt, it was Dick.
After everyone had left, the two of you lingered by the grave. Dick drove you home and asked if you wanted him to stay with you. Youād done that a million times when your dad was away on a mission. Him on the couch and you down the hall in your room, pretending that you werenāt thinking of the boy a few steps away. You told him no, not this time. You said that you needed to be alone. He understood, because of course he did. He was always so understanding.
He walked you to the door, hugged you tight and said see you soon. And then you never spoke to him again.Ā He had tried reaching out, even showed up at your door a couple times. You never answered.
Okay, maybe the avoiding made sense, on second thought. Still, you didnāt think you could work with him if he refused to talk to you. This was his idea, so you needed to hear it from him. Youāre lost in your thoughts, reflecting on how wrong things had gone, when the door opens again.
Dick Grayson, in a tight black shirt and jeans that fit way too well, is standing in the doorway. Heās looking at the ground with a hand in his pocket.Ā
He takes a deep breath and asks, āCan I come in?ā
āOf course,ā you answer, a little more quickly than you mean to.Ā
He closes the door behind him and sits down where Wally had been before.
āWally saidāāĀ
āI wanted toāāĀ
You both speak at the same time.Ā
āPlease,ā you say, earnestly, āgo ahead.ā
āWally said you wanted to hear it from me. About the job.ā
You nod, and he goes on.Ā
āWell, youāll be based here in Titans Tower, I can show you the computer set-up later. We need you to coach our new members through missions. Weāll try to be there as physical support if we can, but things have been going crazy with the Red Ring lately, so we need someone who can be there when we arenāt. Someone who can manage them. I also need someone to take over their planning and logistics. They need someone with experience, who understands field ops and can guide them until they find their feet.ā
He barely takes a breath as he continues his ā obviously rehearsed ā spiel.
āWe have resources, you know that. No promises, but we might even be able to piece your suit together. Itāll take a while, though. A few months at least. You can stay here at the Tower, if you want, thatās where the traineesāll be full-time. Youāll be paid, of course, from the Titans fund, in addition to the suit repairs. Do you have any questions?ā
You sit in stunned silence for a moment. So, the offer was real. Part of you had believed it was another one of Wallyās schemes.Ā A last-ditch attempt to get you to stay. It was real and you could get your suit back! Somehow, Dick Grayson still knows exactly what it takes to get on your good side. But thereās something else that youāre wondering about.
āJust one question, Grayson. Why me? I havenāt worked in a team in years, and we havenāt spoken since⦠in a long time. So why do you want to work with me?ā
Dick stares at you for a little, before shaking himself out of it and looking at the aircon unit just to the left of you.Ā
āYouāre a hero. Teamwork, and everything it involves, is a logistical issue. Youāve been trained in that. These kids need to learn to put themselves aside and act like real heroes. We need someone we can rely on to teach them that.āĀ
He still isnāt making eye contact with you. You look down at your lap.Ā
āThatās just it, Dick,ā you see him flinch a little when you use his name. āItās been ten years. How do you know you can rely on me? How do you know you can trust me after what I did?āĀ
Finally, he looks at you. It feels something like relief, to look into those blue eyes again, after so long. It feels like seeing water after a decades-long desert.Ā
āI know you. Itās been ten years, but Iāve always known you. Iāll always know you.āĀ
Thereās a sincerity to his words that you canāt mistake. How can he be so certain? But, then again, Dick has always been sure of himself. He's kind to a fault, but he has never been willing to say something he doesn't mean.
This is the same boy you know. The same boy, as he pointed out, that youāve always known. You let out a breath that you didnāt know you were holding. Someday, youāll find the words to explain it all to him. Why you turned away, and why you stayed away. You have been alone for so long, but maybe itās time you werenāt anymore. Maybe someday, you can be his friend again. You donāt dare hope for more, not like you once did.Ā
that's all for now! I'm a little out of practice writing fic, so please give me any feedback that you've got. expect more in the next two weeks or so. if you enjoy this, please reblog so more people can find my writing! also might crosspost to ao3, so look out for that!
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youāre elle greenawayās little sister, although you donāt exactly go around advertising that (the last name says enough). just when you think youāve wrapped enough barbed wire around yourself to become impenetrable, in walks spencer reid. heās not what you expected. but maybe ā just maybe ā heās exactly what you need.
ā meet the reader here!
this isnāt a traditional series, per se ā itās a character archetype universe showcasing the slow burn between greenaway!reader & everyoneās favorite boy wonder, dr. spencer reid.
highly suggest reading as a series/in order, but most fics can technically be read as standalone oneshots.
universe timeline begins in mid-s3 of criminal minds
⤷ elle greenaway left the BAU without saying goodbye. a year later, you, her little sister, walk in without saying hello. you wear burgundy lipstick, leather boots, and emotional armor. you wonāt let anyone get close. or⦠will you?
blackout | ā”ļø ā
⤷ a power outage strands you and reid in the basement records room. his flashlight is useless, your lighter keeps flickering out, and youāre pretty sure you said too much ā but somehow, he never makes you regret it.
bullseye | ā
⤷ you didnāt plan on staying late at the bar, hustling reid at darts, or flirting with him after trivia. you definitely didnāt plan on the coffee waiting on your desk the next morning, either.
gambit | ā
⤷ spencer pulls out a travel chess set on the jet and offers to teach you. itās a harmless way to kill time⦠until you realize how much you like the way he looks at you across the chessboard. // ficlet written for my 2k celebration event!
⤷ after an injury in the field, you patch spencer up with a skull-print bandage. he gets a little jealous, you get a little deflective, and a quiet moment passes at 30,000 feet where you both admit more than you mean to.
⤷ you donāt get sick. you donāt let coworkers into your apartment. and you definitely donāt have vivid, full-body sex dreams about spencer reid. except today, apparently, you do all three. 18+ MDNI
night watch | ā ā”ļø
⤷ ever since he showed up at your apartment (and ever since that fever dream youāre pretending didnāt happen), youāve avoided being alone with reid. unfortunately, hotch has another plan: assigning the two of you to an overnight stakeout.
liquid courage | ā
⤷ you never call anyone when youāre drunk ā except tonight, you do. margaritas, glitter, and one reckless drunk dial later, youāre in spencer reidās car at 1am, wearing his coat and trying not to notice how good he smells.
head rush | ā ā”ļø
⤷ dayton, ohio. one asshole cop, one concussion, six hours of stay-awake poker, and a kiss that makes you see stars ā right up until you slam on the brakes.
lies | ā”ļø
⤷ after ohio, you rebuild your armor and pretend the kiss didnāt happen. two weeks of awkward distance, a charged moment at the gun range, and a stairwell conversation later, you tell spencer the cruelest lie you can think of. it should end there ā but then he finds the only evidence that can prove you wrong.
⤷ spencer shows up at your door with irrefutable proof youāve been lying ā to him and to yourself ā but that doesnāt stop you from trying to deny it anyway. what follows is a late-night reckoning: small truths, careful boundaries, and the soft kind of honesty you usually run from.
adagio | ā
⤷ at work, you and spencer try out adagio tempo until a hotel room debrief tests just how slow you can go.
heart eyes | ā
⤷ spencer tries to focus on the case, but watching you translate grief into gentleness ruins his concentration until morgan snaps him out of it. // ficlet written for my 1k celebration event!
limited exposure | ā”ļø ā
⤷ at rossiās book release party, the teamās playful teasing pushes you and reidās ānot-a-relationshipā into a quiet fight, a real apology, and a red-velvet photo booth that develops more than just pictures.
october nights | ā
⤷ you canāt hide the fact you love autumn from anyone ā especially spencer. he gives you all the best parts of the season in a single day: leaves in the park, halloween decorations, classic horror films, and a night that spooks you in a way you hadnāt planned for.
just socks | ā”ļø ā
⤷ you buy spencer funny socks because they reminded you of him. which is totally normal. and casual. and definitely not girlfriend behavior. // ficlet written for my 2k celebration event!
scorpio season | ā
⤷ youāve never been a fan of birthdays, but celebrating spencer (and reluctantly allowing him to celebrate you too) might just change your mind.
out of the doghouse | ā
⤷ your neighborās shy, sweet dog doesnāt trust men, and she definitely doesnāt trust spencer when he shows up to your place like he belongs there while youāre dogsitting for the weekend. // ficlet written for my 2k celebration event!
⤷ in the cold aftermath of a fight left unresolved, you & spencer get stranded as a storm rolls in. with the roads underwater and only one vacant room at the motel, youāre left with nowhere else to run but straight into him. 18+, MDNI. sfw/under 18 version
call it what you want | ā”ļø ā
⤷ things between you and spencer are perfect, right up until a flirty grad student and a mandatory ethics training force you to decide what, exactly, to call the thing youāve been pretending doesnāt need a name.
⤷ after a brutal week on a case and an evening at oākeefeās spent hiding your relationship from the team, you and spencer finally get each other alone ā and your fishnets do not survive the night. 18+, MDNI.
⤷ spencer canāt keep his hands off of you during a rare day-off movie marathon, so you call him out and turn it into a no-touching bet with paperwork on the line. 18+, MDNI. // ficlet written for my 2k celebration event!
⤷ when the team realizes spencer has a secret girlfriend, garcia launches a glitter-covered investigation thatās equal parts profiling and meddling. the only problem? their āmystery girlā profile is so wrong it hurts ā and then the case cracks wide open, whether youāre ready or not.
something borrowed | ā
⤷ a very simple, very sweet, very boyfriend-coded gesture from spencer in the BAU bullpen becomes the teamās newest obsession. // ficlet written for my 2k celebration event!
the comet | ā
⤷ you wake up in spencerās bed to feather-light fingers tracing your freckles like theyāre constellations. // ficlet written for my 2k celebration event!
⤷ spencer has spent so long being the one who steadies you, up until an unsub he sees too much of himself in knocks him off-balance. he asks for space but ends up at your door anyway, and you become the tether you didnāt know he needed.
⤷ youāre caught between breaths, between doors marked STAFF ONLY, between the life you had and the one you might not wake up to. spencer waits on the other side, choking on words he shouldāve said sooner while a ghost from your past sits beside him in the waiting room.
⤷ getting shot was dramatic, but recovering is worse. especially now that spencer reid has a key to your apartment and a color-coded plan for your survival.
⤷ a follow-up doctorās appointment leaves you with medical clearance, a filthy dream, and a rapidly deteriorating ability to act normal around your boyfriend spencer reid.
nothing serious | ā
⤷ you agree to girlsā night to celebrate your first week back at work and end up a little too drunk, a little too honest, and very much forced to confront how serious your relationship with spencer has gotten.
youāre all i have to lose | ā”ļø
⤷ after spencer is exposed to anthrax, the hardest part isnāt being afraid. itās knowing you love him for the same reasons youāre furious with him.
& more, coming soon!
what are greenaway!readerās vibes .į£.į
extras
⢠greenaway!reader pinterest finds
⢠headcanons 1 | 2 | 3 | 4
⢠text messages š±š¬ | text messages pt 2
⢠greenaway!reader fanart by gummy-cat-writes
⢠apartment moodboard
⢠hotch & emilyās relationship w/ reader
⢠spencer said he ānotices thingsā about reader. what does he notice?
⢠why is greenaway!reader so avoidant/afraid of relationships?
⢠greenaway!readerās complex relationship with her sister Elle
⢠how would greenaway!reader react to spencer going to prison? / part 2
⢠things spencer has said to greenaway!reader that made reader not want to run
⢠what did spencer & greenaway!reader each do with their photo booth strips from limited exposure?
⢠greenaway!reader timeline
⢠greenaway!reader marathon event
⢠greenaway!readerās MySpace page
⢠greenaway!reader series playlist
⢠a peek inside greenaway!readerās camera roll
Iām constantly yapping about this series/reader, so check out the #greenaway!reader tag for even more content!
this is the kind of writing that makes me want to write more. the characters and the works are so built-out and developed. it was truly a delight to spend my day off diving into this gorgeous world. as a fellow avoidant commitmentphobe, i connected to the reader so so much. i felt so seen! anyway, this series is remarkable.
Summary: It was well known within the team that there was one other person back in the day that had captured their team leader's heart. You knew Aaron back when he and Haley took a break from their relationship and he went to the academy and met you. What the team doesnāt know is that you have been with the FBI ever since, working the west coast mainly until you get requested to join the BAU.Ā
an// the timeline is a little different in this from the show, Aaron spent longer as a prosecutor before going to the academy and joining the FBI for this to work and to make the reader younger than Aaron. This is also a world where Foyet never happened and Haley is still alive.Ā
~3k words of a Titans Rebirth (Dispatch Inspired) AU.Ā title is from a song called Leonard Cohen by boygenius.
dick grayson x reader, ex-friends to lovers, kinda co-workers to lovers. fem!reader, reader uses she/her pronouns. reader is Robert Robertson coded. reader uses a mech suit, and uses the codename Cyber (Cy for short). i always write with a black reader in mind because Iām black, but I stay away from physical descriptions as much as possible. reader is 29 years old. this is part 1/8, loosely structurally following Dispatch.Ā
TW: Death of a parent, some hints of suicidal ideation but it's not explicit. If thatās not something you want to read about, please feel free to click away!
Episode 1: Pivot
You werenāt ever an official member of the Titans, but you werenāt a total stranger either. Sometimes, theyād ask for an extra set of hands on a mission. Or when something suited your skills, youād sub in.
When a mission ended and you werenāt ready to go home yet, or when you needed some special patching up, youād find yourself at Titan Tower, and Dick Grayson was usually somewhere close. Some nights youād do research together, plan sting operations and tactical interventions. Most nights would start out with official hero work, and theyād end with you and the Boy Wonder eating takeout and bonding over your similar lives.Ā
You were both child soldiers, of a kind. Dick was the worldās best-known sidekick, trying with all his might to be just like Bruce. Your mech suit was a family heirloom, and your heroism was your inheritance. Your father had been Mechaman Astral, and his father had been Mechaman Prime. Your dad expected a boy child, but instead he got you. So, you took the suit on anyway and called yourself Cyber.
In those days, before you officially donned the suit, you were only there as your fatherās support. Youād plan and train and study, occasionally going out with him on the low-threat missions. Cyber was a mask, a costume and a fun weekend job. You got to help people, it was fulfilling. It was also the only time you ever got to spend with your dad.Ā
You and Dick shared a kind of complex, a burning need to prove yourselves worthy of the mantles you carried. It was the kind of thing that made a good basis for friendship. You knew one anotherās triggers and insecurities without having to say them out loud, because they were mostly the same. Dick was something like your best friend, your only friend, really.
He was like your mirror. He had a bad pun for any moment when you were too serious for your age. You had a tight hug whenever he talked like he was spinning out. And then, when you were nineteen, your father died.
You became the hero you had always wanted to be, working solo, as your dad always had, in a mech suit that wasnāt made for you. You officially turned your back on the Titans and on Dick Grayson, once and for all.Ā
Ten Years Later.
You had always assumed youād die in the suit. That was your fate, same as your dad and same as his dad. So, when Shroudās bomb exploded and you were free falling in a non-functional mech suit, you closed your eyes and waited to take your last breath. This would be the end of Cyber, and of you. And then, bizarrely, you woke up on the ground.
The suit was in pieces, you couldnāt feel your left arm, and you hurt all over, but you wereĀ alive!Ā You were happy for a moment and then it hit you. You had survived, but the suit looked absolutely wrecked. That meant you had failed. You had let your family down. You passed back into unconsciousness.Ā
You wake up two weeks later, in a hospital bed. The room is stark white, but it doesnāt feel like a regular hospital room. The bed is too soft, and you can hear laughter coming from somewhere. You groan when you see a red blur whizzing through the door. That could only be Wally West or Barry Allen. Either way, youāre probably in some Justice League or Titans facility. You arenāt an official member of either team, but hero hospitals were few and far between, and heroes tend to protect heroes. Even heroes who want to be alone, apparently.Ā
The blur resolves into a person, and you sigh. Yep, itās Wally. Ginger and chewing on something, like always.Ā
āYouāre up!ā he cheers, and then heās off again, presumably to get someone with actual medical expertise. You grumble as you sit up. Youāre weak and you fail on your first try. You twist on the bed and put your feet on the ground, breathing through the dizziness. You remove the oxygen mask from your face and, just as youāre trying to pull out your IV, a nurse walks in and freaks out.
She rushes to you and tries to stop you, but you push on. Youāre used to recovering on your own. Thatās what youād been doing ever since the suit became yours. You just need to get back to your apartment, pop a couple of painkillers and wait for the hurt to pass. Just because this time is a little worse than usual doesnāt mean you need all this fuss. Wally zooms back in before you can finish shaking the nurse off.Ā
āWoah, woah, woah,ā he stops you from getting up with two gentle, but definitely strong, arms on your shoulders. āYou just woke up from a coma. You are not going anywhere.ā
You try to argue, but he muscles you back into bed, keeping watch as he signals for the nurse to get someone else to help.Ā
āWally, seriously, I am not staying here. I donāt even know whereĀ hereĀ is! Let me go.āĀ
He purses his lips. Wally West hardly ever looks serious, but he sure does right now. Heās standing right next to the too-soft bed, ready to stop you if you try to bolt again.Ā
āSo youĀ doĀ remember my name! Nice to see you too, Cy. Itās only been what, ten fucking years! Ten years since you went radio silent on all of us and took your suit solo! No goodbye, no contact, nothing!āĀ
You roll your eyes. Youād spent the last decade expecting this confrontation.Ā
āI was never a Titan. I donāt owe you guys anything. I decided to work alone because thatās how I work best, and now, if you donāt mind, Iād like to get back to it.āĀ
āEven if that was true ā which itĀ isnātĀ ā you need to see a doctor before you go anywhere. And your suitās a wreck, so Iām not sure what exactly youād be getting back to,ā he snarked.Ā
You glower at him, trying to keep the hurt inside. Youād expected that the suit wouldnāt make it, but the confirmation makes your eyes prick with tears. You blink them away before Wally can see. Heās a Meta, so he wouldnāt get it. If you donāt have a suit, you donāt have anything. You arenāt smart and skilled, like the Batman and his trainees. Aside from some basic hand-to-hand combat and your average hacking skills, you donāt have anything to offer without the suit and its weapons systems. Itās also all you had left of your father. No time to linger on that now.
You take a deep breath.Ā
āNo suit means Iām a civilian. I can go to a regular hospital with my regular shitty health insurance. I donāt need to be in whatever hero facility this is. So. Let. Me. Go.āĀ
Wally begins to reply, but then the door opens, and a doctor walks in, trailed by someone tall and lithe in a black and blue suit. Nightwing. Of fucking course heād be here. This must be a Titans facility, then.Ā
Heās grinning that stupid smile of his, and the pretty doctor is twirling her hair as she giggles at something he says. Dick Grayson always was too charming for his own good. Heās still smiling when he turns to you, though it does falter a little, becoming more awkward and strained.
āIām so glad youāre awake,ā he says, eyes soft and gentle even through his domino mask.Ā
You sigh. You canāt let those eyes get to you.Ā
āYeah, thanks, me too. But now that Iām awake, I donāt want to be here anymore. Iād like to leave. Please.āĀ
You add the last word as a placation. It doesnāt work.Ā
The smile which was faltering falls. Dickās brow furrows, he straightens up a little. Leader mode. His body language was just as easy to read as it had been when he was Robin. When he speaks again, his voice is stern.Ā
āYouāve been in a coma for two weeks. We donāt know the extent of the damage. You will leave when the doctors give me their endorsement. Until then, Iām afraid youāre stuck here.āĀ
āYou canāt keep me here without my consent!ā you protest.Ā
āThis is a Titans facility. I am the leader of the Titans, so I can do whatever I think is in your best interest. Now sit still, so Dr Jones can do her thing. The less you fight me on this, the quicker she can get done and the sooner you can leave.āĀ
His voice is professional and cold. He steps back and gestures to the doctor. She smiles shyly back and takes the stethoscope from around her neck. You slump back in the bed, awash with a sudden wave of exhaustion. Your arguing took more energy than you had. Dick turns and leaves the room, without another word.Ā
But Wally stays, his arms crossed. You sigh and close your eyes, answering her questions. Sheās doing her job. Itās not her fault that youāre here. You can feel Wallyās eyes on you the entire time.Ā
You try not to think about the fact that youāre twenty-nine and your entire lifeās work is over. Not right now.Ā
Itās been two days, and youāre still in the Titans infirmary. The doctors have assured you that you can leave tomorrow. Wally keeps you company. You havenāt seen Dick once since that first visit. Donna is off world with Garth, dealing with some intergalactic threat. Roy and Lilith have been by, briefly, but theyāre busy. Youāre surprised they want to see you at all. Itās not like youāve been a particularly good friend in the last decade.
Wallyās in his civvies this time, and heās got a bag of potato chips that youāre passing back and forth.Ā
āSo,ā Wally begins, sitting on an armchair near your bed. āHave you decided what youāre going to do now?āĀ
āIāll hold a press conference. Tell the world the suit is beyond repair and Iām retiring. And then Iāll⦠I donāt know. Iāll figure it out. I have a couple monthsā rent before I burn through the last of the money my dad left, and then I guess Iāll find a job.āĀ
Your dad wasnāt Bruce Wayne levels of rich, but he had left enough for you to get by on. Theoretically, you should have been set for life, at just nineteen. The mech suit was a problem, though. It constantly needed repairs, and repairs were expensive. You would have needed to find a solution to the money problem soon anyway.Ā
āA job doing what, exactly?ā Wally asks. Itās a fair question; one youāve been thinking about too. āYouāre twenty-nine, you have no actual work experience, and you didnāt go to college.āĀ
Heās right. You never made a Plan B. You didnāt think you needed to.Ā
āI donāt know, Wally. I guess thatās what Iāll be figuring out.āĀ
Heās uncharacteristically silent for a few moments.Ā
āThere is something you can do. But youāre not going to like it.āĀ
You give him an appraising look.Ā
āTell me.ā
He takes a deep breath.Ā
āEver since the Titans have been expanding, weāve needed someone on base who can run comms and logistics. You and Rob ā sorry, Nightwing ā spent hours learning how to do that stuff when you were kids. Youāll be the man ā er, person ā in the chair. The new kids on our team are young, green. Literally, in one case,ā he snickers before continuing. āHaving someone with experience who can keep them in line will free the rest of us up to handle the big baddies, while they take on the low-level threats. You can choose who goes on what missions and tell them how to get it done. If I remember correctly, you do love bossing people around.āĀ
You frown. Youāre not sure what you expected, but this wasnāt it.Ā
āSo, you want me to sit in front of a computer while you go do the real hero work?āĀ
āWe ā uh,Ā IĀ think it will be a productive use of your skills, given the fact that your suit is unusable. Youāll add to the teamās success rate and mentor younger members effectively.āĀ
Youāre quiet for a moment. Wally has never used phrases like āsuccess rateā and āproductive use of skillsā in his life.
āHe put you up to this, didnāt he?āĀ
Wally winces at your sharp change in tone.Ā
āDi- um, I mean, Nightwing thought youād take it better coming from me. But I really do think itās a good idea! Just think about it,ā he adds, when you still donāt reply.Ā
āTell Grayson to grow up and talk to me himself andĀ thenĀ Iāll think about it.āĀ
Wally sighs. He had kind of expected this.
āIāll see if I can find him,ā he said, and then zoomed off.Ā
You donāt know why Dick is avoiding you. You can probably guess that it has something to do with the whole āghosting him for a decadeā thing, but itās been ten years! And your dad had just died, leaving you to deal with his estate and his funeral and all of your grief.Ā
You hadnāt seen Dick in person since the day of the funeral. You were nineteen, in a new black dress, and he held you while you sobbed. Your father was dead before you had a chance to show him that you could be the child he wanted, an asset in the field! Now heād never know. You were nineteen and an orphan. If anyone could understand how that felt, it was Dick.
After everyone had left, the two of you lingered by the grave. Dick drove you home and asked if you wanted him to stay with you. Youād done that a million times when your dad was away on a mission. Him on the couch and you down the hall in your room, pretending that you werenāt thinking of the boy a few steps away. You told him no, not this time. You said that you needed to be alone. He understood, because of course he did. He was always so understanding.
He walked you to the door, hugged you tight and said see you soon. And then you never spoke to him again.Ā He had tried reaching out, even showed up at your door a couple times. You never answered.
Okay, maybe the avoiding made sense, on second thought. Still, you didnāt think you could work with him if he refused to talk to you. This was his idea, so you needed to hear it from him. Youāre lost in your thoughts, reflecting on how wrong things had gone, when the door opens again.
Dick Grayson, in a tight black shirt and jeans that fit way too well, is standing in the doorway. Heās looking at the ground with a hand in his pocket.Ā
He takes a deep breath and asks, āCan I come in?ā
āOf course,ā you answer, a little more quickly than you mean to.Ā
He closes the door behind him and sits down where Wally had been before.
āWally saidāāĀ
āI wanted toāāĀ
You both speak at the same time.Ā
āPlease,ā you say, earnestly, āgo ahead.ā
āWally said you wanted to hear it from me. About the job.ā
You nod, and he goes on.Ā
āWell, youāll be based here in Titans Tower, I can show you the computer set-up later. We need you to coach our new members through missions. Weāll try to be there as physical support if we can, but things have been going crazy with the Red Ring lately, so we need someone who can be there when we arenāt. Someone who can manage them. I also need someone to take over their planning and logistics. They need someone with experience, who understands field ops and can guide them until they find their feet.ā
He barely takes a breath as he continues his ā obviously rehearsed ā spiel.
āWe have resources, you know that. No promises, but we might even be able to piece your suit together. Itāll take a while, though. A few months at least. You can stay here at the Tower, if you want, thatās where the traineesāll be full-time. Youāll be paid, of course, from the Titans fund, in addition to the suit repairs. Do you have any questions?ā
You sit in stunned silence for a moment. So, the offer was real. Part of you had believed it was another one of Wallyās schemes.Ā A last-ditch attempt to get you to stay. It was real and you could get your suit back! Somehow, Dick Grayson still knows exactly what it takes to get on your good side. But thereās something else that youāre wondering about.
āJust one question, Grayson. Why me? I havenāt worked in a team in years, and we havenāt spoken since⦠in a long time. So why do you want to work with me?ā
Dick stares at you for a little, before shaking himself out of it and looking at the aircon unit just to the left of you.Ā
āYouāre a hero. Teamwork, and everything it involves, is a logistical issue. Youāve been trained in that. These kids need to learn to put themselves aside and act like real heroes. We need someone we can rely on to teach them that.āĀ
He still isnāt making eye contact with you. You look down at your lap.Ā
āThatās just it, Dick,ā you see him flinch a little when you use his name. āItās been ten years. How do you know you can rely on me? How do you know you can trust me after what I did?āĀ
Finally, he looks at you. It feels something like relief, to look into those blue eyes again, after so long. It feels like seeing water after a decades-long desert.Ā
āI know you. Itās been ten years, but Iāve always known you. Iāll always know you.āĀ
Thereās a sincerity to his words that you canāt mistake. How can he be so certain? But, then again, Dick has always been sure of himself. He's kind to a fault, but he has never been willing to say something he doesn't mean.
This is the same boy you know. The same boy, as he pointed out, that youāve always known. You let out a breath that you didnāt know you were holding. Someday, youāll find the words to explain it all to him. Why you turned away, and why you stayed away. You have been alone for so long, but maybe itās time you werenāt anymore. Maybe someday, you can be his friend again. You donāt dare hope for more, not like you once did.Ā
that's all for now! I'm a little out of practice writing fic, so please give me any feedback that you've got. expect more in the next two weeks or so. if you enjoy this, please reblog so more people can find my writing! also might crosspost to ao3, so look out for that!
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Summary: Stuck at a shitty office party for your shitty job on Christmas Eve Eve, youāre at your witās end. The last thing you expect is to play vigilante for a night with the Red Hood.
Pairing: Jason Todd x fem!readerĀ
Word count: 7.2k
Warnings/tags: panic attacks, reader has anxiety, creepy coworkers, office party shenanigans, canon-typical violence, jason being both a menace and a sweetheart, attempts at humor, fake relationship, silliness!
the divider
Youāre grateful for a reason to escape. Someone announces that the lights on the obnoxious eleven-foot Christmas tree are burned out and youāre already on the elevator, volunteering to find spare lights.Ā
Alma had told you about a hundred times to skip tonight, but Almaās worked here since the Reagan administration and has too much pull to be fired. You, conversely, have been here eight months, and if you get fired, your next job is going to be as a henchman for a B-list Gotham villain.Ā
Being painfully ordinary and anxious is a toxic mix. Your doctor still thinks all your worrying is because of your menstrual cycle. He doesnāt believe in work-related stress.
So anyway. Youāre just trying to get through tonight. And find some tree lights that work.Ā
You unlock the spare office where all the holiday junk is stored and turn on the light.Ā
The motherfucking Red Hood looks at you, one leg dangling outside of the window and one leg inside the office. He unclicks his harness.Ā
"Oh my God,ā you say, hand frozen on the light switch.
Red Hood pulls his leg in from the window and steps into the office. He puts the harness in a duffel bag and roughly zips it, then tosses it unceremoniously onto the floor.Ā
"Oh my God.ā
He glances at you, helmet eyes glowing. "No God here, just me.ā
"Oh my God," you say again, near hysterics. "Oh my God, Red Hood."
"Always nice to meet a fan," he says irritably, brushing snow off of his jacket, flashing his holsters. Oh, fuck. That's a lot of guns.
"What, umā" You close your eyes, lick your lips, try to find your sanity. "To what do Iāwhyāare you gonna kill me?ā
"The fuck? You think I'd sneak into an office and kill someone in cold blood? What kinda operation you think I'm running?"
Your mouth opens and closes in horror. "WhāI... I don'tāI'm sorry, I didn't mean to offend you, Mr. Hood."
"Please, Mr. Hood was my father."
He laughs. You taste bile in your throat.Ā
Hood sobers. "Damn. Tough crowd. Look, sorry to freak you out, but I got shit to do. If you'll just point me to Hershel Emerson's office, I'll be on my merry way."
"That's m-my boss. Are you gonna kill him?" You canāt handle murder tonight. Youāll have a breakdown for sure.Ā
"Literally, what did I just say?" Hood throws his hands up. "Not one minute ago. I'm not killing anyone!"
"Yet?" you ask weakly, mind inundated with too many mob movies to watch your manners. You know what the Red Hood is all about. Everyone does.Ā
"No. I'm not killing Emerson. But he is a bad dude, so I gotta take care of business. Actually, I should kill him. He deserves it."
You squeak in horror. He raises a hand.
"But I'm not!" he says gruffly. "Respectfully, get a grip. You live in Gotham."
You swallow. "What're you gonna do to my boss if not kill him?"
Hood shrugs. "Eh, maybe scare him a bit. Mostly get intel to take him down. He's currently sitting on five million dollars of stolen life savings from clients."
You blink. "What?"
"Yup. What I really wanna know is which of his employees are in on it. He didn't do this alone."
Hood takes out a small roll-up pouch of what looks like lockpicking tools. You release your sweaty death grip on the doorknob, causing it to squeak. Hood doesn't look up.
five million dollars is ringing in your head. That happened here. Where you work. Your boss is even scummier than you thought.
āIs that a lockpicking kit?ā you ask.
āYup. Good eye.ā
"This seems... illegal.ā
"Well, I won't lie to you, most of what I do is. You won't be implicated though.ā
He looks at you. You flinch. Even with the lights on, the Red Hood is scary as shit.Ā
"Yeah..." he says, shaking his head. "You wouldnāt do well in prison. I can tell."
Your chest hurts. "I don't think anyone does well in prison," you say, eyebrows scrunching. "Have... you been to prison?"
"Only to break out a friend. You ask a lot of questions."
"Sorry. Um, Mr. Red Hoodā"
"Ah-ah. Call me Red. Or Hood. No Mister-ing."
"Okay.ā You lick your lips, hoping he doesn't go back on his temporary no-kill policy. āHood, do you think you could come later? After the Christmas party?ā
He tilts his head at you. You keep talking.Ā
āNot that I don't admire what you're doing! Because I think taking down my boss for stealing money is great, eat the rich and all that, but, um, I came up here to get lights to replace the ones that burned out downstairs because that's a normal thing that happens and now you're here, at my job, and I'm freaking out. Oh God, oh my Godāā
You grab the wall for stability, feeling like you've been rocking on a boat for hours. Sweat beads on your forehead. This time, you really do feel like youāll throw up. Throwing up in front of the Red Hood would be humiliating.Ā
āLook, I got shit to do, okay? I'm sorry you're freaking out but your boss is gonna cash out in a few days and then I lose him and that five million. It's now or never."
You should've just stayed home and baked cookies. Fuck being social! This is what happens when you're social: you meet morally gray vigilantes who force you to be complicit with their crimes.
Your cheeks feel wet. Are you crying? Maybe itās sweat.Ā
Hood points to the hallway. "Is there a camera outside?"
"Y-yeah.ā Your voice is weak. āI think Iām having a heart attack. Can you call security on your way out?"
āDoes your left arm hurt?ā
āNo, butāā
āAre your limbs stiffening?ā
āNo, butāā
āYouāre not having a heart attack. Your speech is fine.ā
Hood takes out a few more things from the duffel, then kicks it under a desk with his foot. You wheeze and grab onto the doorknob again.Ā
Itās quiet for a second. ThenāĀ
āShit. You're having a panic attack,ā Hood says.
"Mm, probably," you say, hunched over like an armadillo. Fuck your stupid doctor.Ā
There's silence as you wheeze quietly. Then something small hits your head. You flinch and squeal.
"You don't need to throw things at me!" you say, beyond defeated, near tears.
"No, I wasn'tāsorry. It's a Warhead. I have one when I'm feeling⦠not my best. They're sāposed to help occupy your other senses so the panic disappears."
You stare at the candy, confused and suspicious at once. "Is it spiked?"
"Again, what sorta operation do you think I'm running? It's not drugs. Look." Hood unwraps a Warhead and sticks it in his mouth underneath his helmet. You hear him suck on it. "Eesh, that's sour. Okay? No drugs."
So you take the candy from the floor, unwrap it, and pop it into your mouth. The sour taste immediately overwhelms you. It's like your brain resets. You pant through the sour.
"Ough," you say, face scrunching from the taste.
"Yeah, right? Life changing hack."
You suck on the candy desperately and close your eyes, trying to find your breath.Ā
āItās okay,ā Hood says, stilted and awkward. āJust, uh, focus on your breathing. Exhale longer than you inhale. Breathe through your nose.ā
It takes another few minutes, but the feeling passes. Your chest lightens. Itās the quickest youāve ever recovered from a panic attack.Ā
āI was just kidding about the prison thing,ā Hood says. āYouāre not gonna go to jail ācause of this, I promise.ā
Yeah, but what if you lose your job?
You spit the Warhead into a trash can and smack your tongue a bit. āAre you sure you canāt come back tomorrow night?ā
āNo can do,ā Hood says. āYour boss will be gone by then.ā
āIt's just that I'm really bad with keeping secrets and according to Google, that's how ulcers form and I really can't afford any sick days off, soā"
You yelp as the door suddenly swings open, hitting your shoulder. You spin around.
"Hey," Bill says, squinting at you. "Where have you been?ā
"No!" you yell, and turn off the light.Ā
Bill stares at you, illuminated by the hallway light. āUhā¦ā
You clear your throat. "Ahem. I'm fine. It's just taking me a moment to sift through all these decorations. Please return to the party.ā
You hate Bill. Heās a sleaze and doesnāt do any work. More than once, heās trapped you by the water cooler in a conversation about his āsmokināā imaginary lawyer girlfriend.
āIf you wanted me to come help you, you could've just said so," he says, reaching for the light, way too close. You donāt like his tone either.
"No!" you yell, blocking the light switch with your hands.
"What the hell? Why not?"
"Becauseā"
There's a creak from the back. You wince.Ā
Bill immediately whips his head toward the sound. "Is someone here? Hello?"
He reaches for the light. Again, you block him, swatting his hands away.
"Would you stopāis someone here?"
"My boyfriend!" you blurt.
Bill stops, looking at you. "Your boyfriend? You've never mentioned a boyfriend."
"Well, I have one and he's here."
"Okay. Why can't I turn on the light and see him?"
"Because he's... um..."
You spot the red Santa suit out of the corner of your eye.Ā
Oh, this is a terrible idea.
"He's changing! He's our Santa for the party. Surprise!" You make weak jazz hands.
Bill looks into the dark where you're pretty sure Hood is hiding. You hope, anyway. Otherwise Bill is going to tell everyone that you're making up boyfriends. "Really?"
"Yeah, really," comes Hood's unmodulated, deadpan reply, and you jump. "Don't turn on the light. I'm naked."
"Oh..." Bill looks queasy for a moment. "Uhā" He looks at you and suddenly grins. "Oh, I get it. You two were having fun before going to the party, huh? Didn't know you were such a wildcat."
"Thatās disgusting,ā you say. āI would never do that in the office.ā
Bill wiggles his eyebrows. "Me-ow. Does the Santa thing turn you on?"
"I'm right here, Bill, and naked or not, I'll kick your ass," Hood says.
Bill pales and quickly backs out of the room. "Right. Sorry. Uh, carry on."
He closes the door. You push your back against it and exhale, heart racing.
"Oh⦠yeah, he's been written up a bunch of times for inappropriate behavior, but he's close with Emerson, so he never gets fired."
"Want me to kill him for you? Free of charge."
"What? No! Hoodā"
"Oh, relax. I was kidding."
"Uh-huh." You turn on the light. Hood has his helmet on, and his voice is modulated again. "What're we gonna do?"
"Well, I'm gonna go make sure Hershel doesnāt fuck off to Bermuda. The lights you wanted are here, by the way."
Hood tosses you a box of multi-colored tree lights. Then he walks toward you. You plaster yourself across the door.
"Wait! You can't leave. I said that my boyfriend is going to be Santa. Bill will tell everyone. Theyāll expect you.ā
"I appreciate your quick thinking, but that's a hard pass,ā Hood says.
"You can't leave now! Bill's gonna tell everyone I'm a liar and they'll think I was up to something worse in here, like snorting coke."
"I mean this gently: I think you should look into anti-anxiety meds. My brother swears by Xanax.ā
āMy doctor wonāt prescribe it to me,ā you say glumly. āHe thinks my anxiety is made up.ā
āHuh. Want me to kill him? I know a better doctor.ā
"Wellā¦ā You hesitate, then shake your head. āNo! No. Hood, please. Theyāre all gonna expect a Santa. And when I donāt show up with Santa, theyāll remember that I didnāt participate in White Elephant or any of that other office nonsense that I donāt want to waste my money on. I need this job!ā
āTheyāre not gonna fire you for not doing White Elephant,ā Hood says.Ā
āYou donāt know them! Itās a popularity contest.ā
But Hood is indeed disinterested in the fact that you'll be the office pariah. Probably because heās never worked in an office.Ā
Instead, he ushers you aside without a struggle. Then he turns the doorknob.
"Wait! Wait, listen. If you dress as Santa, you'll have access to the party and offices. You won't have to sneak around. And people get really drunk at these. They'll talk. You can figure out who's helping Emerson steal money."
His hand pauses. He looks at you. You look back, wringing your hands.
"You're pretty crafty," he says.Ā
"...Thanks?ā
Hood releases the doorknob. "Alright, fine. I'll do the Santa shtick.ā
āYou will?ā
He tilts his head. āShould I not?ā
āNo! No, you should. Itāll be a good disguise.ā
He hums. āSure. But we're in this together now, got it? You blow my cover and we both go down."
"Y-yeah, got it."
Hood heaves a gusty sigh. "Next time, I'm sending Roy in to do this shit."
"Who's Roy?"
"Ah." He holds up a finger. "Too many questions."
He makes a beeline for the Santa costume and then looks at you expectantly.
"Yo. Boyfriend or not, you're not watching me change. Guard the door, Mrs. Claus."
"Oh, right. Sorry."
You turn off the light and go into the hall, shutting the door behind you. It's empty, luckily. You rap your fingers on the box of lights, leg jiggling.Ā
This is insane. You should just tell Hood you can't do this and let him figure out his own plan.
But then... this would make it easier to find Emerson's crime partner. And you're really sick of Bill being a jerk. You donāt want to be called a liar, or get iced out for the rest of your time here because you didnāt bring Santa. Maybe having Hood be your Santa-boyfriend would make people leave you alone. Which is a crazy reason to stick to this plan, but still. You're trying to find the bright side.
And all those people that Emerson stole from... surely, you have a responsibility to help get their money back and bring him to justice, don't you?
The door swings open. You turn around.
āYou wear a mask under your helmet?āĀ
āAs a precaution.ā He sounds defensive. āLots of people in my profession do it.āĀ
You doubt that. āDonāt you think itāll be weird if Santa has a mask on?āĀ
He hesitates, evidently debating between protecting his identity and arousing suspicion.
āFine.ā He carefully peels off the mask and tucks it into his pocket. The surrounding skin is slightly pink from irritation. His nose and cheeks are dotted with freckles.Ā
And wow. The Red Hood has beautiful eyes. So vibrant and clear, like seafoam. And young! How old is he, anyway? He doesnāt look much older than you, if at all.Ā
His eyes are framed by thick, dark lashes, and it makes sense, Hood being a brunet.
āWhat?ā he snaps, glaring.
āNice eyes,ā you blurt.
His brows furrow. You remember the guns.
āUm, anyway. Should we go?ā you squeak out, backing away.
Hood huffs through the beard. It flutters. "We need to have some ground rules."
"Okay."
"First, you should know that I will shoot if there's a physical threat at this party. Two, you're gonna call me Todd at the party. Three, if you try to tell anyone that I'm Red Hood or that I'm taking down Emerson, I will make your life hell. And if you're his partner, you'd better tell me now or I'm gonna be a lot less jolly."
"I'm not!" you say. "I would never do that. And I won't tell anyone you're Red Hood."
"Good. Let's go. Keep your ears open for hints about Emerson's partner."
He takes off in long strides. You hurry to keep up. The Santa costume doesn't slow him down.
"So how did you find out that Emerson's stealing?" you ask.
"Got a tip. You really didn't know he was stealing?"
āI donāt have access to the finances. I work in user interface. Website design.ā
"Yeah? That's pretty cool. I got a brother who's into that stuff," Hood says.
"The same one who takes Xanax?ā
āWould you believe it?ā
You try to picture Red Hood with a regular family. With a brother or a sister or a father. It's hard to imagine.
āHow come you donāt take anti-anxiety medication?ā you ask.Ā
āI have Pit Madness Syndrome, and it has a weird chemical reaction with that stuff.ā
āOh.ā Subject change. Quickly! "Do you celebrate Christmas?"Ā
"Not really. I'm not a believer or celebrator of much. You can see what my plans are two days before Christmas."
"Your family doesn't celebrate?"
Hood just grunts, eyes suddenly stormy. You take the hint and stop talking.
The room where the party is isn't particularly special. It's big enough to fit about a hundred people. For all the money the company makes, you'd thought that they could afford to splurge a little and rent an actual hall. Now you know what the profits have been going toward. But the decorations are decently lavish.
"Oh, wait." Hood leans in to speak in your ear. Lightning shoots down your spine. "I don't know your name."
You give it. He repeats it, and you shiver, like your boyfriend just said your name.
"'Kay. Stay in this room. We don't know how much Emerson or his partner knows, but assume theyāre willing to do anything to get away with the money."
You nod. āGot it.ā
āHey, itās Santa!ā Bill shouts from across the room. āHe made it!ā
You smile tightly. āAs promised.ā
A few people wave. Others cheer.Ā
āThese people really like Christmas, huh?ā Hood asks.
āYou have no idea,ā you say, hyperaware of his hand brushing your back.
āDonāt think I got your name, man,ā Bill says as he approaches. He sticks a hand out. āBill.ā
āTodd,ā Hood says, taking his hand and shaking. Bill winces at the handshake. You hide a smile.
āAh, Todd. Right.ā Bill looks at you, trying to subtly soothe his hand. āYouāve never mentioned him.ā
You shrug. āNever came up.ā
āIām pretty private,ā Hood says, putting an arm around your shoulders. āBut weāre very much in love. Aināt that right, baby?ā
āTh-thatās right⦠honey,ā you say, face going hot.
āSo what do you do for work?ā Bill asks. āMy girlfriendās a lawyer.ā
You roll your eyes. Hood snorts.
āThereās no way youāre dating anyone. You look like you got dressed in the dark, Billy.ā
You cough your laugh into your arm. Billās eye twitches.
āEnjoy the party,ā he says icily. He glares at you, then stomps away.
āThat was amazing, but I think Bill might retaliate,ā you say.Ā
āDonāt worry ābout him,ā Hood says. āIāll take care of it.ā
You look at him with big eyes. āHoodāā
āNot like that. Just⦠itāll be handled. Okay?ā
You nod. Maybe itās insane, but you trust him. āOkay. Want some punch?ā
Hood hums. āNo alcohol. Thanks.ā
You go to the punch bowl, a little relieved to escape Hoodās piercing ocean-eyed stare. Heās intense. Whoever dates him for real is in for a ride.Ā
Then again, you canāt imagine Hood meeting someone for coffee or dinner. You giggle at the image of him showing up with his guns and helmet.Ā
āHey, IT.ā A woman in a white sweater youāve seen maybe once waves at you. āCool idea, bringing a Santa.ā
āYeah, Emersonās too cheap to,ā the man next to her says. They laugh.
You smile. āGlad you like it.ā
You serve yourself two cups of the alcohol-free punch. Then you turn.Ā
Your smile falls. Across the room is Hood and Tanya Donaldson, resident shit-stirrer. Sheās trying to cozy up to him. You sigh and walk over, bracing yourself.
āHey, baby,ā Hood says, practically dragging you into his side. He takes a cup of punch. āJust met Tanya.ā
You can guess exactly how he feels about that.
"Oh, is he your boyfriend?" Tanya asks, eyeing Hood like he's a slab of steak. āI had no idea!ā
"Uh-huh," you say. "This is Todd."
She wiggles her fingers, grinning. āSo how often do you go to the gym, Todd?ā She rests a hand on Hood's arm. "I didn't know Santa was so big and broad."
Your gaze drifts to where you're pretty sure Hood has a gun strapped to his ankle, and the temptation does appear, you won't deny.
But you need this job and it's going to be really hard to explain why Santa's armed and dangerous, so you just grit your teeth. Tanya's the worst for this kind of behavior and she doesn't respect you, so bringing your hunky boyfriend is like dangling a bunch of carrots in her face.Ā
And itās not like Todd is actually your boyfriend.Ā
"Are you flirting with me in front of my girlfriend?" Hood asks, prying her hand off of his arm.
"Flirting?" She claps a hand over her mouth, the movement slightly delayed from all the wine. "No, oh my God! I was just sayingā"
"That's really pathetic," Hood says. "Don't do that."
He walks away and you follow, leaving a wobbly Tanya on her own. You smile to yourself.
"Thank you for that," you say.
Hood gives you a thumbs up. "I can plant evidence on her and get her fired if you want."
"No, I don't want to feel damned for eternity. Thanks anyway."
"You have a lot of assholes at your job," Hood says. "But you're not one. I admire that.ā
You sigh. "They're not all bad. Alma is cool. She keeps me from quitting.ā
"And where is she?"
"At home. She's a sixty-two year old accountant who doesn't care about these parties. Her hip aches when it's cold."
"Mm. Maybe you should follow her lead," Hood says.
"But then who would help you with your spycraft, Hood?"
He allows himself a tiny laugh at that. You wonder how often he laughs. If ever.
āWell, suffering Tanya wasnāt in vain. She said this whole party cost twenty grand.ā
āSo?ā
He gestures grandly. āDoes this look like it cost twenty grand to put this together?āĀ
It's true. The alcohol is the most expensive thing here. No food, except for some people that participated in the potluck, but you don't trust anybody's food here. The decorations are old. Not to mention the Red Hood as your Santa. Your boss might have spared a thousand for tonight. No more.Ā
āSo where did all that money go?ā you ask.Ā
Hood snaps his fingers. āBingo.āĀ
āThat is so shitty. I got a chocolate-covered pretzel as my Christmas bonus,ā you say.Ā
āA bag of āem?ā He shakes his head. āPretty cheap.ā
āHa, no. No, I got one big pretzel. In a box. The box cost more than the pretzel, I think.ā
His eyes widen. āJesus. Even I give more than that to my guys.ā
āGot any openings?ā you ask, half-joking.Ā
Hood snorts. āDon't think you'd like what we do. Why dāyou stay?āĀ
You shrug. āNowhere else to go. I have to eat somehow.āĀ
āCrappy boss, crappy coworkers, no Christmas bonus. Hell, I feel sorry for ya.ā
The Red Hood feels sorry for you. Perhaps you've reached a new low.Ā
He drinks the punch and coughs. āAhem, wow. Did you make the punch?ā
āNo, some people mixed it here.ā
āOh, then I'll be honest. Tastes like a flavor that's not found in nature.ā He throws his cup away. You trust him and set your still-full cup on a table.
āI won't even mention the potluck,ā you say.Ā
āYeesh. Can't eat at everyone's house.āĀ
āThat's what I say!āĀ
He winks at you. You look away, flustered.Ā
The crazy thing is, you could get used to this. Well, not specifically Red Hood, but having a boyfriend to bring to these functions, whoāll warn you against gross punch and defend you against Tanya.Ā
And Hood is surprisingly good at this. If you forget the past hour, you can almost pretend that this is just another office party that you happen to be spending with your new boyfriend.Ā
"Hey, look! It's Santa! Dude, check me out with Santa!"
One of the finance guys who's very drunkāyou want to say that his name is Mattābounds up to you and Hood. Hood tenses, reaching for his hip (gun!) and you touch his elbow, reminding him to relax. He drops his arm.Ā
Matt reeks of alcohol, the front of his shirt stained with bourbon. He laughs, forehead shiny with sweat.
"Santaaa, hey, Saint Nick, take a pic with me, man!"
Matt throws his arms around Hood. Hood does not like that and shoves him off accordingly. But Matt doesn't seem to notice and holds up his phone, camera facing front. Hood slaps the phone out of his hand.
"No pictures," he says.
You wince. The guy stares and blinks, taking three to five business days to process what just happened.
"What the fuck, man? That was my phone!"
"Sorry. I'm drunk." Hood sighs like he's physically in pain, then leans back and makes drinking motions with his fingers. "Fuckin' wasted! Did you try those rum shots? Lit, dude!"
The guy cheers up, forgetting all about the phone. "Oh, yeah, for sure! I'm gonna go get one right now! Thanks, Santa!"
"You do that!" Hood says cheerily.
As soon as the guy leaves, Hood returns to his resting scary face.
"Wow," you say.
"I know. I threw up in my mouth a little."
You laugh. Hood grins. Then it fades.
"Damn it. We're getting no closer to finding Emerson's partner. I should just interrogate Emerson until he tells me."
Interrogate makes you feel woozy. You're pretty sure you know what Hood's idea of an interrogation is.
"Wait! We just need to lure them out. If they think their money might be in jeopardy, they'll sneak out of the party to go check on it, right?" you ask.
"Potentially, yes. But how do we lure 'em?"
"There's an alert if someone withdraws more than ten thousand dollars from the company. But I don't have access to the accounts," you say.
Hood smiles slowly. "You don't need it. Remember I mentioned my computer whiz brother?"
"Yeahā¦ā You grimace. āThis sounds illegal again.ā
"Hell yeah it is. He owes me a favor too. Lemme call him."
You two go off to the side while Hood dials.
"Yeah?" comes a voice on the other end. He doesnāt sound at all like Hood, more like a one percenter from the Diamond District. This is Hoodās brother?
"Aliases only. I need you to withdraw fifty grand from Emerson Corp,ā Hood says.Ā
"Why?ā
āāCause you owe me a favor. Just do it.ā
āZombie breath.ā
āShortass,ā Hood says, voice taking on a distinct older brother tone.Ā
āYouāre such an asshole,ā the voice says. He yawns. āBās wondering if youāre coming tomorrow.ā
āIād rather die again,ā Hood says. āAnd you can tell him I said that.ā
āThe broody emo bullshit is getting old, dude,ā the voice says.
You giggle. Hood looks at you sharply. You press your lips together, properly chastened. Sorry, you mouth.
"Who's that?" the voice asks.
"No one," Hood says. "Did you do it?"
"Chill out. I'm getting past their firewall. So who is that?ā
āItās the TV,ā Hood says.
āNo, itās not. That was a lady's laugh, IRL. And you wouldnāt lie if it was someone we knowā¦ā
āMind your damnāā
āIām helping him with a case,ā you blurt.Ā
Hood throws his hand up, glaring at you. Itās silent on the other end of the phone for a solid ten seconds. Thenā¦
āHoly shit,ā Hoodās brother says. āYou do have a girlfriend. Wait. Hold on. This is wild. You donāt even have a social security number.ā
āI do not have a girlfriend!ā Hood snaps, drawing the attention of some coworkers. You nudge him. He exhales through his nose.
āI donāt have a girlfriend, you little fucker,ā he says, quieter. āSheās telling the truth.ā
āCan I ask your girlfriend a question? Respectfully, what were you thinking? You can do so much bāā
āText me when itās done,ā Hood growls and hangs up.
You look at each other for a moment.Ā
āYou didn't hear any of that,ā Hood says. āGot it?ā
āGot it.āĀ
āGood. Let's see who gets scared. He should do it right aboutā¦āĀ
His phone beeps. You look around the room.Ā
Soon, your culprit reveals himself. Matt!
Holy shit.Ā
"He didn't want a picture," Hood says slowly. "He was frisking me! Motherfucker."
"But isn't he drunk?" you ask.
"No." Hood sighs in disgust. "How did I miss that? Brāsomeone I know does that all the time, spilling alcohol on himself so he smells like he's been drinking. God. Oldest trick in the book!"
"Do you think he knows you're the Red Hood?"
"No. But he might suspect something. Let's go.āĀ
You follow Matt out of the party. He's walking fast. Yeah. Definitely your guy.Ā
Down the hallway, Matt turns around and makes direct eye contact with you. You panic.Ā
āHood!ā you whisper.Ā
āI know,ā he says. āFollow my lead.āĀ
Loudly, he laughs and puts an arm around your waist. āCāmon, baby, no oneāll know.ā
And then you're being herded into a janitorās closet.Ā
You stumble in, confused and reeling from how easily Hood plays the affectionate boyfriend role. He follows you in, shuts the door, and pulls the chain dangling from the ceiling. The single light bulb turns on.Ā
You take care to not knock over any cleaning supplies. You don't see the mop on the floor, however, and you trip backwards on the handle.Ā
Hood's reaction time is impeccable. He jerks forward to catch you, tugging you back on your feet with his hands on your arms.Ā
āYāalright?ā he asks.Ā
āUh-huh,ā you say, mildly mortified. āThanks.ā
He lets go. You shift on your feet.Ā
āHow long are we gonna stay here?ā you ask.Ā
Hood checks his phone. āWell, he should've moved on by now. Let'sāā
The doorknob jiggles. You look at Hood in fear. His expression is similar.Ā
āPretend!ā you whisper, and that's all he needs to understand and move.Ā
You're expecting your arms around Hood, maybe exaggeratedly feeling him up. You are not expecting Hood to hoist you up by the backs of your thighs and press you against the wall. You squeal, arms shooting out to hold onto his neck. Hood's beard ends up in your mouth and you spit it out.Ā
The door swings open, revealing a very tipsy couple.Ā
āOops!ā the woman says, grinning. āSorry. Carry on.ā
The guy gives a thumbs-up. āTrue love.ā
You smile awkwardly. Something is pressing into your hip.
āTrue love,ā Hood deadpans. āRock on.ā
As soon as the door closes, you're squirming.Ā
āWhat is that?ā you hiss.Ā
āMy gun! Oh my God, it's my gun,ā Hood says, quickly setting you down. āIt's notā¦ā
He trails off and backs away. You stand there, processing what just happened.Ā
āThat wasnātāā
āI didnātāā
You both stop. Hood adjusts his beard.Ā
āYou're really strong,ā you say, wringing your hands.Ā
Hood nods. āSorry about the, uhā¦ā
āYeah, let's just not talk about this.ā
āYup. Find Matt?āĀ
āAbsolutely.āĀ
You open the door and peek out. The hallway is empty. Glory be.
āAll clear,ā you say, and Hood is on your heels as you sneak out.Ā
āAny ideas on where he'd go?ā Hood asks.Ā
āMatt works in a cubicle like the rest of us. Emersonās office is on the twelfth floor.āĀ
āFine. We'll hit Emerson's office first. More privacy, and maybe they'll both be there. Two birds.ā
āEmerson's office is protected by a password lock. He changes it every night,ā you say, scurrying to keep up with Hood.Ā
āThat's fine. I got a key right here,ā he says, patting his holster.
āWait! If the lock is tampered with, it sets off an alarm and security will come. You can't shoot it, Hood.ā
He stops and sighs. āWhy is everything so goddamn complicated? Alright, new plan. I'm gonna get my stuff from where we were and I'll break in the old-fashioned way.āĀ
Fifteen Minutes Later.
āThis seems really unsafe!ā you say, watching Hood dangle outside a three story window on a wire. He's attached to a grappling hook but still. Still!Ā
āEh, I died once. Didn't stick. Hold the hook.āĀ
āI am!ā As if you'd do anything but. You don't want the Red Hood to become Red Goo.Ā
Chilly December wind makes your eyes water and your nose cold. Still, you hold on.Ā
āAlmost there!ā he says.Ā
āHey! What're you doing?āĀ
You whirl around and close your eyes due to the flashlight shining at them. Even though the lights are on.Ā
An elderly security guard glares at you. It's a good thing you're not an actual criminal⦠though after tonight, you're not so sure.Ā
āUm.ā You try to hold onto the hook while hiding it behind your back. āBird watching?ā
The guard turns off the flashlight and tucks it into his belt. He slowly walks to you.Ā
āIf you're doing something illegal, Miss, you're in big trouble.ā
Well, this is fantastic. Of course it would be you that gets caught.Ā
The guard is getting closer. Your grip is sweaty. He peers over your shoulder. You let go of the hook, praying to every spirit out there that Hood is as good as everyone says he is.Ā
The guard looks around and scratches his head. You shrug, heart in your throat.Ā
āSee?ā you say. āBird watching.ā
He frowns at you. āI've got my eye on you.ā
āAnd I commend you for that.āĀ
āAre you sassing me?āĀ
Are you? You might be. You've been spending too much time with Hood.Ā
Hood! You turn and look out the window. You don't see any red goo below, but it's also cold and foggy. Shit. You hurry to the elevators.Ā
āOkay, happy holidays, bye!ā
The elevator doors open. You press twelve and close the door before the guard can consider getting on with you and shooting you a hairy eyeball all the way down.Ā
You hurry out and run down to Emerson's office. The door has been left ajar, which is good, right?
Bang!
You throw yourself against the wall. Shit. Maybe not.Ā
Ugh, you told Hood no shooting! Son of a bitch.Ā
āWe're doing this tonight!ā That's Emerson's voice. āI don't care if I have to shoot my way out.āĀ
Shoot? Oh no.
You carefully peek through the crack. Hood is standing with his hands behind his head. His beard has blood in it. Emerson is in front of him, gun to his head.Ā
Hood catches your eye. He gives you the tiniest head shake. You swallow.Ā
You can't just leave him there.Ā
Okay. Think. Emerson's back is to you. You can't see Matt, but you figure he's far enough away to not immediately shoot you. Hopefully.Ā
Anyway, what's your other option? The feisty relic upstairs? You can't risk any civilians getting hurt.Ā
Technically you're also a civilian but not tonight. Tonight you might as well be Batman.Ā
You slowly pull the door open further. You sneak in, then hide behind the secretary's desk.
āIs it done?ā Emerson snaps.
That's when you see Matt in the corner on a laptop.Ā
āIt takes time,ā Matt says, obviously stressed too.Ā
āWell, hurry up!ā Emerson looks at Hood. āThen we'll dispose of Santa here.ā
Hood shrugs. āYou can certainly try. Many have. āM still here.ā
āLots of bravado for a man in a costume,ā Emerson sneers. āWhat are you, police?ā
Hood groans. āAs fucking if! I'm not a cop.āĀ
He hums. āPerhaps not. Otherwise this place would be crawling with them already. But you're alone.ā
āHow d'you know I'm alone?ā Hood asks.Ā
You're glad he's calm because you're feeling the beginnings of another panic attack. But you can't panic, not now. The adrenaline pulsing through you is the only thing keeping you from going catatonic.Ā
You have no weapon, no plan. How the hell are you supposed to help Hood?
āYou're bluffing,ā Emerson says.Ā
āHe has a girlfriend,ā Matt says. āSome IT girl. She might come looking for him.ā
āThen we'll take care of her too.ā
Matt looks uncomfortable but he doesn't say anything. Hood is still cool as a cucumber.Ā
āShe won't look for me. We had a fight. I forgot to buy the candy she likes.ā
Candy? Why wouldāoh!
On the secretary's desk is a glass bowl filled with mini candy canes. You wrap your hands around it.Ā
āShe knows my favorite,ā Hood says, locking eyes with you.
You throw the bowl with all your might. Emerson is too slowāHood grabs the bowl one-handed and swings it, knocking the gun from Emerson's hand. The candy explodes into pieces. Hood swings again, this time into Emerson's head. The bowl cracks. Emerson crumples to the floor.Ā
āAre you oāā
Bang! Bang! Bang!
In a blink, Hood wraps one arm around your waist and yanks you to the floor, covering your body. You curl into him on instinct.Ā
āI got you, I got you,ā he says, patting your shoulder. āYou okay?ā
You nod, words not coming right now. You squeeze his hand. Hood seems to understand and he scoots you both behind Emersonās desk. Then he loads his gun and cocks it.
āStay here,ā he says, then fires six shots.Ā
āGoddamnit!ā Matt yells across the room. āThis wasn't the plan! You're not supposed to be here!āĀ Ā
Hood laughs, which is absolutely terrifying. āDon't talk to me about ruined plans, buddy. I've been waiting all night for an excuse to shoot somebody. Please make my night.āĀ
Matt fires four more shots.Ā
āFuck you, cop!āĀ
āWhat the fuck? Fuck you more! I'm not a fucking cop!ā
āMaybe it's the way you stand,ā you say, teeth chattering from anxiety.Ā
Hood squeezes your shoulder comfortingly. āI stand like a cop? Gross. I gotta work on that.āĀ
āYou're somebody!ā Matt yells. āYou're not just some guy, Todd, don't lie to me. You and that chick from IT are in cahoots.ā
You huff. āHe knows your name but not mine?ā
āIād take it as a compliment.ā
Matt fires again. Hood tucks you behind him.Ā
āHe wonāt kill anybody,ā he says, with way too much confidence, in your opinion.Ā
āOh, is that why he's peacefully shooting at us?ā
āHe's scared, sure. But he canāt kill. Trust me, I know. Hey, Matt!āĀ
āWhat?ā
Hood stands up. Your eyes bug out of your head.Ā
āHood!ā you hiss. āHood!ā
He ignores you, of course.Ā
āYou wonāt hurt anyone,ā Hood says. He starts walking toward Matt. āYou're not a killer, Matt.ā
And all this time you thought Hood was sort of sane. Nope.Ā
āI will shoot you!ā Matt warns.Ā
āAw. You wouldn't shoot Santy Claus, would you?āĀ
Matt pulls the trigger. You gasp. It clicks. The magazine is empty.Ā
Hood closes the distance between them and grabs the gun, then elbows Matt in the face. Matt sprawls onto the floor.Ā
āYeah, I don't risk my life on human emotion,ā Hood says, loud enough so you can hear. āPeople can be so unpredictable. I will take a chance on a gun that only fires seven rounds, though. For a guy in finance, you're not very good with numbers, Matty.āĀ
You sigh in relief, slumping against the desk. After tonight, you're retiring.Ā
āY'okay over there?ā Hood asks.Ā
āYeah.ā
It's quiet for a bit. Then Hood returns and offers you a hand to help you stand. You do so on shaky limbs.Ā
He's got a cut on his eyebrow and a bruise on his cheek. You frown.Ā
āI'm sorry I let go of the hook. I thoughtāā
āYou let go of the hook?ā
You stop. āUm. No?āĀ
Hood squints at you. āChoosing to forgive you for that.āĀ
āI knew you were inside the office!ā
āYeah, sure.āĀ
āI'm not the only one taking risks,ā you say. āMatt still fired at you.ā
āEh.ā Hood shrugs. āHeās a crap shot. And I counted the rounds. I maintain my point. Factually, he could not shoot me.ā
āYou could've told me the gun was empty,ā you say.Ā
āI wanted you to think I was cool and brave.āĀ
You laugh. āI already think that.ā
Hood looks at you for a moment, like heās trying to see right down into your soul. Intense. You cross your arms.
āSo, um, ready to ditch this party?ā you ask.Ā
āWith pleasure.ā
āWhat about them?ā you ask, pointing to Matt.
āI have backup arriving soon. Let's get your coat.āĀ
You get your things while Hood changes back into his usual garb. He meets you at the back exit, the one that leads to an alleyway, Santa suit gone. The party's winding down and most are getting into their cars. You're grateful no one stops to ask where you disappeared to.Ā
There's police outside, but they're not here for Emerson. It's Bill that's being questioned by Commissioner Gordon. You stop short at the sight.Ā
āHood⦠what did you do?āĀ
āHm? Oh! There might have been some discrepancies in Bill's finances and he might have committed fraud to pay off his gambling debts. All circumstantial, though.ā
āPlease don't tell me you framed my coworker because he's a jerk,ā you say.Ā
āNo, but I'm not above that, for the record. I recognized Bill from when I was casing the Iceberg Lounge. That's where he racked up all that debt.ā
You nod slowly. āThat's how you knew his name.ā
āYup. He was a nobody, so I didn't bother with him. Had I known he was such a menace at work, wellā¦ā
You grin. āIt's okay. I appreciate it now.āĀ
Hood nods. The silence is awkward for a few seconds.Ā
āSoāā
āYou don't have to keep working here,ā he says. āYou can leave if you wanna.ā
āHoodā¦ā
He puts up a hand. āHear me out. I have a contact at Wayne Enterprises. I can get you an interview. Hell, I can get you the job.ā
āAnd what would I owe you?ā
He shakes his head. āNothing. Think of it as a thank you for tonight. You didn't have to help me but you did.ā
You open and close your mouth. āI don't⦠I don't know what to say.ā
āDon't gotta say a thing,ā Hood says quietly. āIf anyone deserves a new year, it's you.ā
āOh.ā Your throat feels tight suddenly. āOh, Hood, that's reallyāthat's nice of you.ā
āIt's been known to happen. Don't spread it around though.ā
āBut I don't want the job without interviewing!ā you say. āI want to get it on my own.ā
Hood nods. āDeal.ā
You want to hug him but that seems like too much, even with all youāve done tonight. So you take out a candy cane instead.
āI salvaged one from the bowl,ā you say. āMerry Christmas, Hood.ā
He takes it, tucking it into his pocket. āMerry Christmas. Need a ride?ā
You shake your head. āI'm fine. See you around?ā
āMaybe, maybe not. Stay safe, alright?ā
āOh, I will. Will you?ā
He laughs. āNo promises.āĀ
Then you blink and he's gone. You shove your hands into your coat pockets.Ā
In each pocket, there's a handful of Warheads. You smile.
knight/lord ships are like. what if i would die for you. what if i wanted you to live for me. what if i wanted to touch you but could only be satisfied with being near you. what if i could touch you but only through the safety of our gloves. what if i couldnāt stop thinking about you right next to me. what if i bloodied my hands for you and never looked back at the wreckage. what then
what if i wasnāt allowed to love you. what if i loved you anyway. what if you knew and i knew but we wouldnāt dare to take that step. what if we made meaningful eye contact as i knelt at your feet and devoted my whole being to you. what if i whispered your name for only you to hear
I saw my national team absolutely devastate Wales last weekend and it was so much fun and now seeing this is making my brain go brrrrrrrr. rugby player!Jason Todd x medic!reader anyone? this art is so good OP I love it!!!!!
this is about 6.5k words, and focuses on secretary!reader x javier peƱa. there are flashbacks, so pay attention to the dates and headers! the reader-character is not named but is referred to using she/her pronouns. title is from the song "Wichita Lineman" by Glen Campbell. line breaks from evansyhelp!
contains (lots of) swearing, making out, and possible future chapters will contain smut so tentatively 18+. pls rb if u enjoy so other people can read it too (āæā āæā )
You're not usually an angry person, but whoever is knocking at your door at seven in the fucking morning on a Saturday deserves nothing less than death. You wrench the door open, ready to let loose all the Spanish curse words you've been learning, but you are rendered speechless, because in your doorway, there he stands. It's been weeks since you've seen him, even longer since you've actually spoken, and last you heard he was being shipped back to D.C. to hand in his gun and badge, and yet. And yet, Javier PeƱa is standing at your door, at seven AM, panting like he's just a run a marathon.Ā
"Hi," he says, pushing his way into your apartment like he has any right to be there. His eyes are wild and strangely desperate, in a way you've only seen once before.Ā
You've spent so many sleepless nights rehearsing what you might say to him if you ever saw him again. Some nights, you yell until you're hoarse. Other nights, you crumple into his arms and cry like a child while he holds you. Now he is front of you, and you can't manage anything other than a weak, "Hey."
"You look good," he says, even though he hasn't made eye contact since he walked in.
He looks good too, dressed in a suit with a fucking tie and everything. He looks more official than you've seen him before, but you won't give him the satisfaction of saying that. He probably already knows, the cocky asshole.Ā
"Thanks," you reply, voice tight. And then, the question he's been expecting, "What are you doing here, Javier?"
He looks at the ceiling and takes a deep breath.Ā Inhalen y exhalen,Ā like his mother taught him once upon a time.Ā
"I need you," he says, and he winces when you balk. "I mean, I need you to come work for me, workĀ withĀ me, in Bogota. You're the only person I trust."
You try to hold it in, to be mature, but you can't help the incredulous scoff that you let out.Ā
He looks so earnest, so unlike that stoic man you knew before, that you almost fold. Almost.Ā
"Congratulations on the promotion, but it's still no, Javier."
"Why?" he demands, "What did IāĀ HowĀ can I convince you?"
He was one of the first people you met in Colombia, he was close to being your first friend, and youāve never seen him beg like this. Not for paperwork to be filed, not for a meeting with Messina, not even for a chance with that hot secretary on the third floor.Ā
"You said you want me because you trust me, Javier. That's why it's no. After what you did, what you were involved with, the US of fucking A rewards you for your sins with a goddamn pay raise and a new job. I can't trust them and, after you ignored me for months, Peña, like I was the one who did something wrong, I definitely can't trust you."
His eyes are pleading, verging on pathetic.Ā
"You can," his voice is hoarse, watery. "You can trust me. It'll be different this time, it'll beĀ good. We'll do it right, end this once and for all. I just, IĀ needĀ you there with me."
In spite of yourself, you believe him. Your traitorous heart flutters at that word --Ā needĀ -- again, and you take your own deep breath in to stop yourself from thinking of the last time he said something similar, when his body was underneath yours and you were breathing in tandem. You exhale and observe him for a moment, his head hanging down and his eyes screwed shut, like he's ashamed of something.Ā
You've never said it out loud, but Javier has always known you're somewhat of a kindred spirit. That was what started the arguing, the heat that had once pulsed between the two of you. Naive as it may have been, you were an idealist, just like him. You believed in justice, and you had worked to see it done. With Pablo, it had been messy, a winding, twisted path that started and ended in bloodshed. Maybe, Javier was right. Maybe you finally had a chance to do things right, to make up for all the ways you failed. Maybe you could finish this, be done with Colombia,Ā be done with him, once and for all. You sigh out his name and he finally looks up.Ā
"When?" Your hands are on your hips and you look grim. It's a familiar look to Javier, one of his favourites on you.Ā
"What?" he snaps out of his observation of you.
"When?" you repeat, impatient. "When do we start?"
He beams, a smile wide and fucking dangerous, like the burning sun on a summer day in Colombia. That's how it all starts, after it has ended once already. You're screwed, you just know it.
Bogota, 1994. Months later.
"No one can get in to see him at short notice, PeƱa, he's a stickler for due process. I'm afraid this is out of my hands." Crosby is as grim and as unhelpful as ever.Ā
"What do you mean 'this is out of your hands'? You're the fuā the ambassador! Surely, there'sĀ somethingĀ you can do?"
Javier is exhausted. This charade of professionalism is draining. He needs a cigarette, he needs a politician who gives a fuck. Crosby sighs, and shakes his head no.Ā
"I'm sorry, PeƱa. Find a different judge, or find a different way."
It's as good as a dismissal, and Javier stomps out of the ambassador's office, a storm in his eyes. He's reaching into his back pocket for his smokes, before he swears, remembering that youāre holding onto them. Heās supposed to be quitting, after all. He sighs and re-routes to your desk, just outside his office. It has been months since he begged you to join him, and you are every bit the asset he knew youād be. The office would fall apart without you.Ā HeādĀ fall apart without you. Thanks to Feistl and Van Ness, the agents youād recommended he choose for Cali, the DEA is closer than ever to bringing down Miguel. But close is not close enough if he canāt get his warrant, if he canāt do things right this time.Ā
When you come into view, you're telling Stoddard off for something, and Javier smiles in spite of himself.Ā
"Yes,Ā Agent, I am well aware that I donāt outrank you. I'm just telling you that Agent PeƱa will take a look at your proposalĀ after,Ā and only after, I have vetted it and decided if itās worth his time. He's too busy for bullshit," you say, dismissing the younger agent easily.Ā
"What bullshit am I too busy for today?" Javi leans on your desk and gives you a thin, conspiratorial smile. It doesnāt quite reach his eyes.
"The young man wants a new water cooler for the office. He wrote you aĀ proposal, Javi," you smirk back.Ā
"Whatever I see goes through her first. You know the rules, kid," Javier addresses Stoddard, who straightens up at the attention.Ā
"But Iā" he starts to protest.Ā
"But nothing. Sheās more capable than anyone in this office, including me. It's her call."
Stoddard sighs and deposits the document on your desk, before slouching back to his.Ā
You survey Javier for a moment.Ā
"Meeting with Crosby didn't go well?" you probe, already holding out his pack ofĀ Camels. Javier knows better than to be surprised that you can read his mood so easily, even when he's trying to quash his disappointment down.Ā
"I wasn't kidding when I told the kid that you're the best person here, but this may be beyond even your powers," he says, gently. He knows you don't like to be wrong, just like him.Ā
You don't argue, not even to remind him that that isn't exactly what he said to Stoddard a minute ago. Instead, you ignore the flutter in your chest that his compliment brings on and pause on an entry: "Here it is! Gabriela Lopez!"
"His wife?" Javier asks, intrigued.Ā
Your smile is shining.Ā
"Even better. HisĀ daughter.Ā HisĀ onlyĀ daughter. Met her a few years back at some fancy government party. Her birthday is in a couple of days, and I happen to know her favourite brand of tequila. Lend me that corporate card and I'll get her to talk to dear old dad." You're smug, as you well should be.Ā
Javier sighs again, but he's already digging for the card in his wallet.Ā
"You sure this'll work?" he asks, holding it just out of your reach.
"You dare to doubt me? Just for that, you're paying for drinks on Friday," you snatch the card from him, already dialling the number on the office landline.Ā
"Drinks?" he asks, trying not to be mesmerised by your pretty red nails as you twirl the phone cord in your hands.Ā
"Drinks," you confirm. "We're going out for drinks after this works out."
Before he can reply, you're already hollering into the phone and shooing him away.Ā
He ambles back to his desk and slumps in his chair, pretending to look over a report. In reality, he's watching you through the glass door, your over-expressive face and your widening grin. He really had meant what he said to Stoddard earlier: you are the best person in the entire office, maybe in all of Colombia. You are far better than he deserves, that much he knows. More than just a capable assistant, you're the lifeblood of the DEA in Bogota: competent, organised and meticulous to a fault.Ā
He frowns to himself as he remembers how he made fun of you, back in Medellin, for those same traits. Attractive, and more than a little intimidating, he had envied your charm and likability. Even worse, he had despised the fact that you barely gave him a second glance, rebuffing his flirtations and throwing out his shoddy paperwork in favour of Murphy's neat handwriting. He had seen you as a bastion of bureaucracy, everything that was the problem with the government and the DEA. Messina's pretty assistant, who demanded excellence and challenged him, constantly. He knows now that you are anything but a stickler for the rules. In reality, you believe in order and in systems, not unlike Martinez. You bend rules, but only when you know it is right. You make sure everything looks good on paper, because you know that good actions mean nothing in this world without the paper trail to back them up. You areĀ good, and Javier, as much as he tries to be better these days, can never forget how he once was anything but.Ā
He sighs and returns to his work, giving you one more longing look since he knows you arenāt paying attention. He's lost in his documents when you come bounding in, not bothering to knock.Ā
"Good news or bad news, first?" you say, beaming as you lean your forearms on his desk. He clears his throat and is proud to say that he barely glances at your chest. Barely.Ā
"Good news, please," he says.Ā
"You have a meeting. His new secretary is Peruvian, and sheās doing us aĀ hugeĀ favour, so you're going to buy her a box of alfajores and some flowers on your way in to the judicial offices at 8am, tomorrow. Get there fifteen minutes early, parking is a bitch."
Javier is on his feet and hugging you before he can really think about it. You came through, because, of course you did. You were right, he was ridiculous to doubt you, competent, capable,Ā wonderful, you. You're laughing in delight at his over-the-top reaction.
"Wait," he says, holding on to your shoulders, "what's the bad news?"
You sigh, pouting exaggeratedly, "Gabriela's cousin's bachelorette party is on Friday, and I need to give her that fancy bottle of tequila, so we have to postpone our celebratory drinks."
He's trying and failing to bite back his smile, and yours doesn't falter, even as he steps back and the space around you empties of his electricity.Ā
"What a shame," he drawls, already pulling his fancy whiskey and two glasses out of the drawer of his desk. "Guess we'll just have to celebrate now, instead."
He pours you a glass and hands it to you, ignoring the familiar spark when your hand brushes his.Ā
"A tu salud," he clinks it with yours, and you take a sip in tandem. The whiskey is rich and warm on your tongue. Despite it all, you can't help but miss the burn of the cheap, shitty liquor you once shared with him.Ā
The warrant comes through, because of course it does, and the operation to arrest Miguel Rodriguez is a success. Javier does his press interviews and you stand off to the side, watching the way he commands the room when he speaks. He wishes he could tell the world how he owes this success to you, to your fucking rolodex, your support, your charm. Even now, as he is trying to be a better man, he knows he does not have the words for all you are to him. Instead, he just smiles at you as he walks away from the platform. He leads you away from the clamouring journalists into an empty hall, wraps you in a bear hug, and whispers "Thank you," over and over again into your hair. He hopes you understand everything he means, hidden below the simple words. You hug him back, tight and firm, and he thinks thatĀ maybe you do. Maybe you understand his words, his meaning,Ā him, better than anyone ever has before.Ā
A few days later, he is working in his office, trying not to look at you through the glass doors. Youāre a vision in that red dress ā your FridayĀ dress, you call it ā and he knows that if he glances up at you, he wonāt be able to look away. In his periphery, he sees someone approach your desk. Probably Stoddard, he guesses. Except, you were usually pretty good at shoo-ing the kid away and this person isĀ lingering. He looks over just in time to see you throw your head back in laughter at something Feistl ā fuckingĀ Feistl Āā is saying. Heās talked to Feistl plenty, and Javier knows for a fact that he isĀ notĀ that funny.Ā
He frowns, and strains to hear your conversation, striding across the room to fiddle with his filing cabinet, where he thinks he might hear you better. Heās just curious, he tells himself.Ā
āādancing? Next Friday, around eight. Thereās a cute new place onĀ Calle 83Ā that Iāve been meaning to try.ā
āYeah, that sounds great, though Iām not much of a dancer,ā he sounds sheepish.Ā
āIāll be the judge of that. Maybe after a couple of drinks, Iāll even teach you how toĀ cumbia,ā you smirk at him, and now itās Chrisās turn to laugh.Ā
Javier is squeezing the door of his filing cabinet so tight that he thinks he might warp the metal. Feistl and⦠you? Dancing? Drinks? His stomach hurts a little at the thought of it, and he wishes he hadnāt been so curious, soĀ nosy.Ā
He huffs and goes to sit back down at his desk, tries valiantly to focus again. But he canāt stop thinking about you in that dress, about you dancing, laughing with someone who isnāt him. In the end, he needs to stay late to get through all the work that he couldnāt focus on. Though his concentration isnāt any better in the evening, because youāre working late too, and youāre so close that he feels like his body is humming. Youāve taken your heels off and youāre sitting on the little couch in his office with your feet tucked under as you survey paperwork. Itās busy work that any intern could do, but you pride yourself on quality, so you insist on triple-checking everything, even if it means staying late. Itās become a sweet little routine, which is why you get so comfortable in Javiās office when the department clears out for the night.Ā
He realizes that he doesnāt know your relationship status, or Feistlās, for that matter. He had assumed you were single, as crazy as the thought is. Youāre often in his office, working late and he doubts any self-respecting partner would let you stay away so frequently. Maybe itās wishful thinking on his part. Feistl, on the other hand⦠Javier knows he has a kid, but not much else about the agentās personal life. Though, Javi guesses that Chris is probably closer to your age than he is. Less of a dark past, too. Maybe youād make a good match. He winces at the thought.
"You know Feistl has a kid, right?"
It's the first time Javi has spoken in maybe an hour. You're correcting paperwork, filing documents and trying to align meeting schedules for the next few weeks. Javier is supposed to be poring over financial documents, trying to find a witness who might testify against Miguel.
"Oh, he does? Must be hard being away all the time," you reply, indulging Javier's unusual attempt at small talk with a response.
"I just thought it's something you should know since you and him are... You know," he continues, awkward as anything.
"Me and him are...Ā what?"
"I, uh, heard you guys talking at your desk this afternoon. You're going, um,Ā dancing?" he continues, putting a strange emphasis on the last word.Ā
It takes you a few seconds to catch on to his meaning.Ā
"Javier, do you think there's something going on between me andĀ Chris?" you ask, incredulous.Ā
Javi's eyebrows raise and his eyes widen. It would be comical if it wasn't so stupid.Ā
"I justā I heard you and him talking about going dancing this weekend and, you know, workplace relationships and all that and I just thought I should mention it to you, in case you don't know and now I did so... Yeah. You know." His rambling is bizarre, and out of character, and you can't do much in response except let out a shocked little laugh. He winces at his own inability to string a fucking sentence together.Ā
"Javier. Seriously. I invited Chris to go dancing with me, and theĀ entireĀ office, like we do once a month, and have been doing since we started working here in Bogota. You know, the team building that I suggested we do to build morale, that I invite you to every month, and every month you say..."
"Too much work, maybe next time," he intones, finishing your sentence, still wincing.
"Yup. I'm not going out with Chris, orĀ anyoneĀ for that matter. Not that it's any of your business," you sniff.
"Oh," he breathes a sigh of relief, "good," he says, before he can stop himself. You look at him sharply and his brown eyes look a little panicked. "I mean, good that you're not dating Chris because, I guess, dating in the workplace isn't really a good idea," he continues. The plastic pen in his hand looks about to snap.
"Huh," is all you say back, and he knows you well enough to know how dangerous the neutral expression on your face is.
"What?" he says, quickly, defensively.
"I just think it's funny that you're worried aboutĀ meĀ dating in the workplace like you didn't fuck the secretaries in three different departments back in Medellin.ā
"Oh, c'mon," he says your name, "that's different."
"Oh, is it? Different? Because the rules don't apply to Javier PeƱa, right? So you can break hearts all over the office, and I'm getting fucking interrogated for being friends with my colleague? Is it because I'm a woman, or because I'm an assistant? Is that why it's different,Ā jefe?" you huff, sarcastic and upset.Ā
"You know that's not what I mean. Don't be ridiculous," he replies, and you balk at his tone. He's using the voice he uses on the younger agents, talking down to you like he has any right to do so. All too quickly, you are back in that stuffy office in Medellin, listening to him condescend and patronise you.Ā
"You know what," you stand up quickly, dusting off your skirt, and slipping your heels back on. "Maybe I will go see if Chris wants to go out with me, or maybe I'll ask Van Ness, or anyone I want to, because IĀ can," you march out, forgetting that it's only you and Javier left in the office at this time.Ā
He's up and following you before he knows what he's doing, grabbing on to your arm to stop you. Your skin tingles where he's touching you, especially when he says your name in that soft, dulcet tone.Ā
"I'm sorry, okay?" he says, when you turn around to face him. "I shouldn't have assumed, and I shouldn't have said that. You can date whoever you want, of course you can," he pauses for a second, takes a breath. "Just please don't date Feistl, he's like a short little version of Murphy. It freaks me out," he breathes out in relief when you smile at his stupid joke. He tries not to linger on how tense his chest felt at even the prospect of your ire.Ā
In those early days in Medellin, he would have expected nothing less than your biting sarcasm, your quick, mean retorts. But everything had changed since that day he showed up at your door. Since that day he begged for you. Things had been changing before then, maybe. That night he couldn't forget, no matter how much whiskey he drank, that was the moment things shifted.Ā
"Fine," you say, caught between a smile and a pout, "I won't date Feistl."
He still hasn't let go of your arm, and you still haven't pulled away from him. Javier isn't an idiot, he knows when a woman wants him. And he knows you're attracted to him, just like you know he's attracted to you. His hand slides up your arm to cup your face. The way his thumb strokes your cheekbone is familiar.Ā
"Don'tā" he starts to say, before shaking his head. He has no right to you, and yet. You look at him with a question in your eyes. He wants to step back, out of your space, but he can't.Ā
"Don't date anyone," he says, all too aware that he is being possessive, that he has no right to ask anything of you.
You don't step back, or move away. Instead, you take him in. Your eyes are searching, scanning his face for something.Ā
"Why not, Javier?"
The question is so simple. Not for the first time, he curses at his own inadequacy. He wishes he could put it all into words, wishes he could explain this need he has for you. He wishes he could explain the way the smell of your perfume sometimes lingers in his office, the way he craves it when it doesnāt. He wishes he could tell you that you are his best friend, his best asset, the best part of him. He wishes he could explain how you are part of him, how your thoughts and interests and desires have weaved their way into his heart, and now he will always comprise him-and-you. He wishes he could say that you dating someone else would meanĀ notĀ dating him, and that would damn near kill him.Ā
"Because," he says.
"Because?" you prompt him for more.Ā
He hesitates, and the air between you sparkles with possibility. The tension between you and him is familiar, but this feeling ā this string between you pulling tight, like it might soon snap ā is something youāve only felt once before.Ā
Javierās chest is heaving at the intensity between you, and, before you know it, you are leaning up into his space. He is so close that his warm breath ghosts over your lips when he speaks.
āBecause IāāĀ
A vacuum cleaner sounds, and you both start, moving away from one another quickly. There, in the dim light of the main office is Imelda, one of your favourite cleaning ladies. She notices you both a moment later, and waves cheerfully, beckoning you over and switching the vacuum off. You glance back at Javier, but he is looking down, one hand on his hip and the other running through his hair. You paste on your smile, and walk over to Imelda.Ā
Javier watches you as you interact with the kind woman, though your Spanish is just passable, and she barely speaks English, you are communicating with such warmth and openness. He smiles, despite himself, despite what he had almost admitted to you. Imelda reaches into her purse and hands you something homemade in a packet, and waves you off so she can continue vacuuming.Ā
Javier is leaning against his desk when you walk the short way back to him, and he doesnāt miss the way your hand nervously clenches and unclenches. He wonders if you even know that you have a tell. You give him a half-smile as you stop in front of him, more distant than you were before, but close enough that he could probably touch you with an outstretched hand.Ā
In your hand is a packet ofĀ polvorosas, made by Imelda herself. It makes sense to him that she would give you something, you are more likable than he thinks fair. Youāre kind to all staff members, regardless of their rank, and there is something about your self-effacing warmth that inspires gift-giving.Ā
You look up at him, worrying at your lower lip and he is suddenly struck by how little he deserves you. You told him once that you thought he was a good man, but he knows that however good he is, you are a million times better.Ā
āSorry, you were,ā you smile sheepishly, ābefore, you were saying something.ā
He is quiet for a long moment as he regards you, and you feel naked in the warmth of deep brown eyes.Ā
āIt doesnāt matter.ā He turns back to his desk, sitting and picking up a report with clinical casualness. āWe should get back to work.ā
He doesnāt dare glance up at you, even as you hover near his desk, where he left you standing. You stand there for a long moment, caught between shock and hurt. And then, you shake yourself out of it, mimicking his nonchalance and picking a report back up. If Javi would have looked at you, he would have seen your hand tremble.
Medellin, 1993. Before.
In the wake of Carillo's death, in that godforsaken barrack room at Carlos HolgĆŗin, Javi is caught somewhere between grief and blinding rage, as he so often is these days. He could hardly stand it, the way loss felt new every time, no matter how many times he'd felt it. Heās angry at Carillo, for failing him, for doing such dark things in war time and leaving Javier alone to sit with it all, for not seeing it through to the end with him. Heās angry at himself, for not stopping Carillo before it went too far. He misses his mother. He hurts for Carillo's wife, for his children, for that poor kid in that goddamn alleyway. Carillo, he had always thought, was the very best of them. Uncompromising, always; going too far, sometimes. If Carillo, imposing and militaristic as he was, could not be a good man, then what chance did little Javier PeƱa have?
You come to see him after Messina leaves. Ever her opposite, you don't know the right things to say. You don't say much at all, just hover behind him and gesture to his steadily emptying whiskey bottle.
"You in a sharing mood, tonight, PeƱa?"
He passes the bottle over and watches you, eyes maybe too heavy, as you take a swig and wince at the burn of cheap liquor. You hand it back. He still hasn't said anything. He's not sure there's anything he can say.
You exhale and perch at the edge of the thin regulation mattress, leaning back on your hands as you observe him. Red-rimmed eyes, a full ashtray on the table in front of him and another cigarette, not yet lit, held between his teeth. The silence stretches between you like taffy.Ā
"You gonna say anything, or did Messina just send you in here to stare at me?"
"Messina didn't send me here."
Javier scoffs. "Yeah, I'm sure after months of bein' a pain in my ass that you're here because you care about my wellbeing, right?"Ā
You don't reply. You know when Javier is picking a fight, and you're not in the mood to give in to him, not after the day you've both had. After a few more beats of silence, Javi takes another swig, emptying his whiskey glass. Then he stands up, all sharp, abrupt movements, and lingers where you're seated, handing the bottle back as a kind of fucked up peace offering. You accept.Ā
He's still watching you as you take another sip, and he complies far too easily when you pat the open space beside you and gesture for him to sit. He sighs; it sounds jagged, wrecked.Ā
"Do you think there are any good men?"
If you're surprised by the question, you don't show it. Javier is grateful that you don't show it.Ā
"I think," you hesitate, before carefully continuing, "I think someone's actions, their choices āĀ Ā that's what makes them good. Good intentions, good thoughts, they don't count for much. The good things you do, thatās what makes the difference."
Javi swallows, parsing your answer in his mind. The silence that blankets you both now is less comfortable than before, it is thick with something unsaid.Ā
"Carrillo before heā before what happened tonight, did some things that...ā he trails off. āI don't think he was always a good person. He wasn't Escobar, but he hurt people. That story about the child in Medellin, it's true. I was there and I... I let it happen. If Carrillo isn't a good man, then what does that make me?" His voice is thick and watery, weak with pain. His head is bowed, like he's praying or like heās ashamed.
For the first time since you've met him, Javier seems human, vulnerable. No machismo, no tough mask. It pulls at your heart and tears prick at your eyes. You put the bottle down and touch his arm, feeling the muscle jump.Ā
"Oh, Javier," you breathe out, not sure what else you can say.
He moves quickly, suddenly and you almost think he might kiss you, but he doesn't. He just crumples into your arms, and you hold him, let him pretend he's the one holding you. You stroke the hair on the back of his head as you sit and breathe with him.Ā
"It's gonna be okay, Javi. It has to be," you whisper, voice muffled.
You donāt know how long you sit like that and pretend not to notice the wetness on shirt as he cries into your shoulder. Just as suddenly as he leaned in to you, he sniffs and pulls back, wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand. His other hand is still at the small of your back, fisted in your shirt. For a moment, you both just look at each other. Months of bickering in the office hallways, of posturing and competing, pass between you in that look you share. Your throat feels dry.Ā
Your eyes flicker down to Javier's pretty pink lips as his tongue darts out to lick them. You hope he doesn't see your slip, but his eyes have already darkened. He pulls you closer to him with the hand at your back and the other goes to your jaw. For all his fire and intensity, the way he holds you now is tender, almost delicate.
You lean closer just as he does, and he presses his forehead to yours, lips just a breath away. Your eyes flutter closed, so you miss the way his eyes dart over your face like they're searching for something, or committing this to memory. Just as the moment feels like it's lingering a little too long, he kisses you.Ā
Javier kisses you like he needs you, not delicate but not quite vicious either. As he pulls you impossibly closer to him, you wrap your arms around his neck and scratch at the soft hair at his nape. He gasps, and moves his lips against yours with all the intensity he can muster. Somehow, the hand cradling your jaw is still tender, even as he slips his tongue between your lips and you moan at the taste of him. He pulls you into his lap and you grind against him, lost in the feeling of him all around you. His hands are everywhere, running through your hair, grasping at your thigh. The way he kisses makes you feel boundless; overwhelmed and stunned, all at once.Ā
He pulls away, resting his head in the space between your shoulder and neck and mouthing at the skin there. He sighs, hot breath fanning against your neck. His big, warm hand slips under your shirt and runs over the clasp at the back of your bra.Ā
"Need this so bad,Ā querida," he whispers against your skin, and all too suddenly the feelings of the day come back to you.
"J-Javi," you breathe out.
He hums affirmatively against your skin and ruts up a little at the sound of his name. You can't swallow your gasp at his hardness under those tight denim jeans.
"Javier, Iā wait.Ā Stop."
His body goes still, fills with the tension that your touch had been soothing away. His voice when he says your name is wrecked, guilty and mournful.Ā
"What's wrong?" he lifts his head from your shoulder, but doesn't dare look up at you.
"I justā" you start to say, cradling his face like he held yours. "I just don't think this is what you need right now, Javier."
He makes a sound, something like a frustrated grunt but dirtier, angrier. Not at you, you don't think. Angry at himself, more likely. He drops his hands to run them through his hair.Ā
"Querida,Ā I wantā," he sighs at himself, at the words he can't put together. "I wantĀ you."
What he really means is that he knew he was attracted to you the first time he saw you, standing a little behind Messina in that godforsaken conference room, in a work-appropriate dress with sensible heels. He means that he's known he wants to do more than fuck you since that first conversation, where you refused to take his shit, rejected his flirting and put him in his fucking place. He wants to say that he likes the way you don't cower away from him, the way you demand that he deliver his best. The way you look rumpled when you work late, filing the paperwork he and Murphy pile on you unceasingly, without apology. He wants to tell you that he thinks he might be able to fall love with you, one day; in love with the sweet moments he sees when you let up on the sarcastic comments. There is so much Javi wants to tell you, but the words get stuck in his throat. He thinks it might all be too much, thatĀ heĀ might be too much, so instead he shakes his head and lets you climb off his lap.Ā
He thinks you're going to leave without another word, until you pause in the doorway.
"I think you're a good man, Javier. You worry about your heart; only good men do that."
He doesn't show up for Carrilloās funeral. You don't see him again until you almost collide in the hallway at the office. You both pause for a moment, and you take him in. The bags under his eyes are darker than usual, his hair is unkempt. You open your mouth to say something, asks if heās alright, if the whispers around the office about him and Los Pepes are true, but he's already pushed past you.Ā
It isn't until he's boarding the plane back to Texas, away from Colombia, that he lets himself think of your words again. He wishes you were right. He wishes he was a good man. He gives himself a moment to regret the way he acted. He regrets the way he pulled away from you in the weeks after that kiss, getting Murphy to file his paperwork, avoiding the break room on the third floor that he knows you like, not even saying goodbye when he knows he might never see you again. He thought you would be able to sense it on him, the stink of his broken principles, the stench of his betrayal. He regrets everything but the kiss and, even then, he regrets how it happened. You deserve so much better than him at his most broken, him at his weakest. You deserve so much more than him. Javier PeƱa knows that he isn't a good man, and he refuses to wait around for you to realise it too.Ā
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You meet Jason Todd and the first sparks of friendship emerge
Part 2: The Decision
Jasonās perspective on your first meeting and he resolves not to act on any feelings other than friendship when it comes to you
Part 3: The Invitation
An invitation to Jason isnāt accepted as youād hoped, but the two of you end up spending time together anyway
Part 4: The Plan
One step forward, one step back in the dance Jason has the two of you trapped in
Part 5: The Alley
A night out with Jason takes a dangerous turn
Part 6: The Mistake
Jason flees after your night together
Part 7: The Friend
You confront Jason for leaving
Part 8: The New Normal
Both you and Jason struggle with defining your new normal in the wake of your changed friendship
Part 9: The Bargain
Unsettling news upsets the fragile balance of your friendship with Jason
Part 10: The Choice
jason settles into your new fwb relationship with ease, but stirring unrest in gotham prompts him to a course of action he'd never consider otherwise
Part 11: The Eavesdropper
no one really talks about how getting half of what you wanted is almost worse than nothing at all. as the killer haunting gotham starts closing in, you'll have to rely on jason anyway, no matter what it does to your poor heart
just read this all in one sitting and itās so good!!! the combination of angst, sexiness and fluff bowled me over, and Jasonās characterization is so good! Iām not even usually a jason girlie but this had me giggling and kicking my feet and also screaming crying throwing up which is a sign of a really fucking good fic lmao
this is about 6.5k words, and focuses on secretary!reader x javier peƱa. there are flashbacks, so pay attention to the dates and headers! the reader-character is not named but is referred to using she/her pronouns. title is from the song "Wichita Lineman" by Glen Campbell. line breaks from evansyhelp!
contains (lots of) swearing, making out, and possible future chapters will contain smut so tentatively 18+. pls rb if u enjoy so other people can read it too (āæā āæā )
You're not usually an angry person, but whoever is knocking at your door at seven in the fucking morning on a Saturday deserves nothing less than death. You wrench the door open, ready to let loose all the Spanish curse words you've been learning, but you are rendered speechless, because in your doorway, there he stands. It's been weeks since you've seen him, even longer since you've actually spoken, and last you heard he was being shipped back to D.C. to hand in his gun and badge, and yet. And yet, Javier PeƱa is standing at your door, at seven AM, panting like he's just a run a marathon.Ā
"Hi," he says, pushing his way into your apartment like he has any right to be there. His eyes are wild and strangely desperate, in a way you've only seen once before.Ā
You've spent so many sleepless nights rehearsing what you might say to him if you ever saw him again. Some nights, you yell until you're hoarse. Other nights, you crumple into his arms and cry like a child while he holds you. Now he is front of you, and you can't manage anything other than a weak, "Hey."
"You look good," he says, even though he hasn't made eye contact since he walked in.
He looks good too, dressed in a suit with a fucking tie and everything. He looks more official than you've seen him before, but you won't give him the satisfaction of saying that. He probably already knows, the cocky asshole.Ā
"Thanks," you reply, voice tight. And then, the question he's been expecting, "What are you doing here, Javier?"
He looks at the ceiling and takes a deep breath.Ā Inhalen y exhalen,Ā like his mother taught him once upon a time.Ā
"I need you," he says, and he winces when you balk. "I mean, I need you to come work for me, workĀ withĀ me, in Bogota. You're the only person I trust."
You try to hold it in, to be mature, but you can't help the incredulous scoff that you let out.Ā
He looks so earnest, so unlike that stoic man you knew before, that you almost fold. Almost.Ā
"Congratulations on the promotion, but it's still no, Javier."
"Why?" he demands, "What did IāĀ HowĀ can I convince you?"
He was one of the first people you met in Colombia, he was close to being your first friend, and youāve never seen him beg like this. Not for paperwork to be filed, not for a meeting with Messina, not even for a chance with that hot secretary on the third floor.Ā
"You said you want me because you trust me, Javier. That's why it's no. After what you did, what you were involved with, the US of fucking A rewards you for your sins with a goddamn pay raise and a new job. I can't trust them and, after you ignored me for months, Peña, like I was the one who did something wrong, I definitely can't trust you."
His eyes are pleading, verging on pathetic.Ā
"You can," his voice is hoarse, watery. "You can trust me. It'll be different this time, it'll beĀ good. We'll do it right, end this once and for all. I just, IĀ needĀ you there with me."
In spite of yourself, you believe him. Your traitorous heart flutters at that word --Ā needĀ -- again, and you take your own deep breath in to stop yourself from thinking of the last time he said something similar, when his body was underneath yours and you were breathing in tandem. You exhale and observe him for a moment, his head hanging down and his eyes screwed shut, like he's ashamed of something.Ā
You've never said it out loud, but Javier has always known you're somewhat of a kindred spirit. That was what started the arguing, the heat that had once pulsed between the two of you. Naive as it may have been, you were an idealist, just like him. You believed in justice, and you had worked to see it done. With Pablo, it had been messy, a winding, twisted path that started and ended in bloodshed. Maybe, Javier was right. Maybe you finally had a chance to do things right, to make up for all the ways you failed. Maybe you could finish this, be done with Colombia,Ā be done with him, once and for all. You sigh out his name and he finally looks up.Ā
"When?" Your hands are on your hips and you look grim. It's a familiar look to Javier, one of his favourites on you.Ā
"What?" he snaps out of his observation of you.
"When?" you repeat, impatient. "When do we start?"
He beams, a smile wide and fucking dangerous, like the burning sun on a summer day in Colombia. That's how it all starts, after it has ended once already. You're screwed, you just know it.
Bogota, 1994. Months later.
"No one can get in to see him at short notice, PeƱa, he's a stickler for due process. I'm afraid this is out of my hands." Crosby is as grim and as unhelpful as ever.Ā
"What do you mean 'this is out of your hands'? You're the fuā the ambassador! Surely, there'sĀ somethingĀ you can do?"
Javier is exhausted. This charade of professionalism is draining. He needs a cigarette, he needs a politician who gives a fuck. Crosby sighs, and shakes his head no.Ā
"I'm sorry, PeƱa. Find a different judge, or find a different way."
It's as good as a dismissal, and Javier stomps out of the ambassador's office, a storm in his eyes. He's reaching into his back pocket for his smokes, before he swears, remembering that youāre holding onto them. Heās supposed to be quitting, after all. He sighs and re-routes to your desk, just outside his office. It has been months since he begged you to join him, and you are every bit the asset he knew youād be. The office would fall apart without you.Ā HeādĀ fall apart without you. Thanks to Feistl and Van Ness, the agents youād recommended he choose for Cali, the DEA is closer than ever to bringing down Miguel. But close is not close enough if he canāt get his warrant, if he canāt do things right this time.Ā
When you come into view, you're telling Stoddard off for something, and Javier smiles in spite of himself.Ā
"Yes,Ā Agent, I am well aware that I donāt outrank you. I'm just telling you that Agent PeƱa will take a look at your proposalĀ after,Ā and only after, I have vetted it and decided if itās worth his time. He's too busy for bullshit," you say, dismissing the younger agent easily.Ā
"What bullshit am I too busy for today?" Javi leans on your desk and gives you a thin, conspiratorial smile. It doesnāt quite reach his eyes.
"The young man wants a new water cooler for the office. He wrote you aĀ proposal, Javi," you smirk back.Ā
"Whatever I see goes through her first. You know the rules, kid," Javier addresses Stoddard, who straightens up at the attention.Ā
"But Iā" he starts to protest.Ā
"But nothing. Sheās more capable than anyone in this office, including me. It's her call."
Stoddard sighs and deposits the document on your desk, before slouching back to his.Ā
You survey Javier for a moment.Ā
"Meeting with Crosby didn't go well?" you probe, already holding out his pack ofĀ Camels. Javier knows better than to be surprised that you can read his mood so easily, even when he's trying to quash his disappointment down.Ā
"I wasn't kidding when I told the kid that you're the best person here, but this may be beyond even your powers," he says, gently. He knows you don't like to be wrong, just like him.Ā
You don't argue, not even to remind him that that isn't exactly what he said to Stoddard a minute ago. Instead, you ignore the flutter in your chest that his compliment brings on and pause on an entry: "Here it is! Gabriela Lopez!"
"His wife?" Javier asks, intrigued.Ā
Your smile is shining.Ā
"Even better. HisĀ daughter.Ā HisĀ onlyĀ daughter. Met her a few years back at some fancy government party. Her birthday is in a couple of days, and I happen to know her favourite brand of tequila. Lend me that corporate card and I'll get her to talk to dear old dad." You're smug, as you well should be.Ā
Javier sighs again, but he's already digging for the card in his wallet.Ā
"You sure this'll work?" he asks, holding it just out of your reach.
"You dare to doubt me? Just for that, you're paying for drinks on Friday," you snatch the card from him, already dialling the number on the office landline.Ā
"Drinks?" he asks, trying not to be mesmerised by your pretty red nails as you twirl the phone cord in your hands.Ā
"Drinks," you confirm. "We're going out for drinks after this works out."
Before he can reply, you're already hollering into the phone and shooing him away.Ā
He ambles back to his desk and slumps in his chair, pretending to look over a report. In reality, he's watching you through the glass door, your over-expressive face and your widening grin. He really had meant what he said to Stoddard earlier: you are the best person in the entire office, maybe in all of Colombia. You are far better than he deserves, that much he knows. More than just a capable assistant, you're the lifeblood of the DEA in Bogota: competent, organised and meticulous to a fault.Ā
He frowns to himself as he remembers how he made fun of you, back in Medellin, for those same traits. Attractive, and more than a little intimidating, he had envied your charm and likability. Even worse, he had despised the fact that you barely gave him a second glance, rebuffing his flirtations and throwing out his shoddy paperwork in favour of Murphy's neat handwriting. He had seen you as a bastion of bureaucracy, everything that was the problem with the government and the DEA. Messina's pretty assistant, who demanded excellence and challenged him, constantly. He knows now that you are anything but a stickler for the rules. In reality, you believe in order and in systems, not unlike Martinez. You bend rules, but only when you know it is right. You make sure everything looks good on paper, because you know that good actions mean nothing in this world without the paper trail to back them up. You areĀ good, and Javier, as much as he tries to be better these days, can never forget how he once was anything but.Ā
He sighs and returns to his work, giving you one more longing look since he knows you arenāt paying attention. He's lost in his documents when you come bounding in, not bothering to knock.Ā
"Good news or bad news, first?" you say, beaming as you lean your forearms on his desk. He clears his throat and is proud to say that he barely glances at your chest. Barely.Ā
"Good news, please," he says.Ā
"You have a meeting. His new secretary is Peruvian, and sheās doing us aĀ hugeĀ favour, so you're going to buy her a box of alfajores and some flowers on your way in to the judicial offices at 8am, tomorrow. Get there fifteen minutes early, parking is a bitch."
Javier is on his feet and hugging you before he can really think about it. You came through, because, of course you did. You were right, he was ridiculous to doubt you, competent, capable,Ā wonderful, you. You're laughing in delight at his over-the-top reaction.
"Wait," he says, holding on to your shoulders, "what's the bad news?"
You sigh, pouting exaggeratedly, "Gabriela's cousin's bachelorette party is on Friday, and I need to give her that fancy bottle of tequila, so we have to postpone our celebratory drinks."
He's trying and failing to bite back his smile, and yours doesn't falter, even as he steps back and the space around you empties of his electricity.Ā
"What a shame," he drawls, already pulling his fancy whiskey and two glasses out of the drawer of his desk. "Guess we'll just have to celebrate now, instead."
He pours you a glass and hands it to you, ignoring the familiar spark when your hand brushes his.Ā
"A tu salud," he clinks it with yours, and you take a sip in tandem. The whiskey is rich and warm on your tongue. Despite it all, you can't help but miss the burn of the cheap, shitty liquor you once shared with him.Ā
The warrant comes through, because of course it does, and the operation to arrest Miguel Rodriguez is a success. Javier does his press interviews and you stand off to the side, watching the way he commands the room when he speaks. He wishes he could tell the world how he owes this success to you, to your fucking rolodex, your support, your charm. Even now, as he is trying to be a better man, he knows he does not have the words for all you are to him. Instead, he just smiles at you as he walks away from the platform. He leads you away from the clamouring journalists into an empty hall, wraps you in a bear hug, and whispers "Thank you," over and over again into your hair. He hopes you understand everything he means, hidden below the simple words. You hug him back, tight and firm, and he thinks thatĀ maybe you do. Maybe you understand his words, his meaning,Ā him, better than anyone ever has before.Ā
A few days later, he is working in his office, trying not to look at you through the glass doors. Youāre a vision in that red dress ā your FridayĀ dress, you call it ā and he knows that if he glances up at you, he wonāt be able to look away. In his periphery, he sees someone approach your desk. Probably Stoddard, he guesses. Except, you were usually pretty good at shoo-ing the kid away and this person isĀ lingering. He looks over just in time to see you throw your head back in laughter at something Feistl ā fuckingĀ Feistl Āā is saying. Heās talked to Feistl plenty, and Javier knows for a fact that he isĀ notĀ that funny.Ā
He frowns, and strains to hear your conversation, striding across the room to fiddle with his filing cabinet, where he thinks he might hear you better. Heās just curious, he tells himself.Ā
āādancing? Next Friday, around eight. Thereās a cute new place onĀ Calle 83Ā that Iāve been meaning to try.ā
āYeah, that sounds great, though Iām not much of a dancer,ā he sounds sheepish.Ā
āIāll be the judge of that. Maybe after a couple of drinks, Iāll even teach you how toĀ cumbia,ā you smirk at him, and now itās Chrisās turn to laugh.Ā
Javier is squeezing the door of his filing cabinet so tight that he thinks he might warp the metal. Feistl and⦠you? Dancing? Drinks? His stomach hurts a little at the thought of it, and he wishes he hadnāt been so curious, soĀ nosy.Ā
He huffs and goes to sit back down at his desk, tries valiantly to focus again. But he canāt stop thinking about you in that dress, about you dancing, laughing with someone who isnāt him. In the end, he needs to stay late to get through all the work that he couldnāt focus on. Though his concentration isnāt any better in the evening, because youāre working late too, and youāre so close that he feels like his body is humming. Youāve taken your heels off and youāre sitting on the little couch in his office with your feet tucked under as you survey paperwork. Itās busy work that any intern could do, but you pride yourself on quality, so you insist on triple-checking everything, even if it means staying late. Itās become a sweet little routine, which is why you get so comfortable in Javiās office when the department clears out for the night.Ā
He realizes that he doesnāt know your relationship status, or Feistlās, for that matter. He had assumed you were single, as crazy as the thought is. Youāre often in his office, working late and he doubts any self-respecting partner would let you stay away so frequently. Maybe itās wishful thinking on his part. Feistl, on the other hand⦠Javier knows he has a kid, but not much else about the agentās personal life. Though, Javi guesses that Chris is probably closer to your age than he is. Less of a dark past, too. Maybe youād make a good match. He winces at the thought.
"You know Feistl has a kid, right?"
It's the first time Javi has spoken in maybe an hour. You're correcting paperwork, filing documents and trying to align meeting schedules for the next few weeks. Javier is supposed to be poring over financial documents, trying to find a witness who might testify against Miguel.
"Oh, he does? Must be hard being away all the time," you reply, indulging Javier's unusual attempt at small talk with a response.
"I just thought it's something you should know since you and him are... You know," he continues, awkward as anything.
"Me and him are...Ā what?"
"I, uh, heard you guys talking at your desk this afternoon. You're going, um,Ā dancing?" he continues, putting a strange emphasis on the last word.Ā
It takes you a few seconds to catch on to his meaning.Ā
"Javier, do you think there's something going on between me andĀ Chris?" you ask, incredulous.Ā
Javi's eyebrows raise and his eyes widen. It would be comical if it wasn't so stupid.Ā
"I justā I heard you and him talking about going dancing this weekend and, you know, workplace relationships and all that and I just thought I should mention it to you, in case you don't know and now I did so... Yeah. You know." His rambling is bizarre, and out of character, and you can't do much in response except let out a shocked little laugh. He winces at his own inability to string a fucking sentence together.Ā
"Javier. Seriously. I invited Chris to go dancing with me, and theĀ entireĀ office, like we do once a month, and have been doing since we started working here in Bogota. You know, the team building that I suggested we do to build morale, that I invite you to every month, and every month you say..."
"Too much work, maybe next time," he intones, finishing your sentence, still wincing.
"Yup. I'm not going out with Chris, orĀ anyoneĀ for that matter. Not that it's any of your business," you sniff.
"Oh," he breathes a sigh of relief, "good," he says, before he can stop himself. You look at him sharply and his brown eyes look a little panicked. "I mean, good that you're not dating Chris because, I guess, dating in the workplace isn't really a good idea," he continues. The plastic pen in his hand looks about to snap.
"Huh," is all you say back, and he knows you well enough to know how dangerous the neutral expression on your face is.
"What?" he says, quickly, defensively.
"I just think it's funny that you're worried aboutĀ meĀ dating in the workplace like you didn't fuck the secretaries in three different departments back in Medellin.ā
"Oh, c'mon," he says your name, "that's different."
"Oh, is it? Different? Because the rules don't apply to Javier PeƱa, right? So you can break hearts all over the office, and I'm getting fucking interrogated for being friends with my colleague? Is it because I'm a woman, or because I'm an assistant? Is that why it's different,Ā jefe?" you huff, sarcastic and upset.Ā
"You know that's not what I mean. Don't be ridiculous," he replies, and you balk at his tone. He's using the voice he uses on the younger agents, talking down to you like he has any right to do so. All too quickly, you are back in that stuffy office in Medellin, listening to him condescend and patronise you.Ā
"You know what," you stand up quickly, dusting off your skirt, and slipping your heels back on. "Maybe I will go see if Chris wants to go out with me, or maybe I'll ask Van Ness, or anyone I want to, because IĀ can," you march out, forgetting that it's only you and Javier left in the office at this time.Ā
He's up and following you before he knows what he's doing, grabbing on to your arm to stop you. Your skin tingles where he's touching you, especially when he says your name in that soft, dulcet tone.Ā
"I'm sorry, okay?" he says, when you turn around to face him. "I shouldn't have assumed, and I shouldn't have said that. You can date whoever you want, of course you can," he pauses for a second, takes a breath. "Just please don't date Feistl, he's like a short little version of Murphy. It freaks me out," he breathes out in relief when you smile at his stupid joke. He tries not to linger on how tense his chest felt at even the prospect of your ire.Ā
In those early days in Medellin, he would have expected nothing less than your biting sarcasm, your quick, mean retorts. But everything had changed since that day he showed up at your door. Since that day he begged for you. Things had been changing before then, maybe. That night he couldn't forget, no matter how much whiskey he drank, that was the moment things shifted.Ā
"Fine," you say, caught between a smile and a pout, "I won't date Feistl."
He still hasn't let go of your arm, and you still haven't pulled away from him. Javier isn't an idiot, he knows when a woman wants him. And he knows you're attracted to him, just like you know he's attracted to you. His hand slides up your arm to cup your face. The way his thumb strokes your cheekbone is familiar.Ā
"Don'tā" he starts to say, before shaking his head. He has no right to you, and yet. You look at him with a question in your eyes. He wants to step back, out of your space, but he can't.Ā
"Don't date anyone," he says, all too aware that he is being possessive, that he has no right to ask anything of you.
You don't step back, or move away. Instead, you take him in. Your eyes are searching, scanning his face for something.Ā
"Why not, Javier?"
The question is so simple. Not for the first time, he curses at his own inadequacy. He wishes he could put it all into words, wishes he could explain this need he has for you. He wishes he could explain the way the smell of your perfume sometimes lingers in his office, the way he craves it when it doesnāt. He wishes he could tell you that you are his best friend, his best asset, the best part of him. He wishes he could explain how you are part of him, how your thoughts and interests and desires have weaved their way into his heart, and now he will always comprise him-and-you. He wishes he could say that you dating someone else would meanĀ notĀ dating him, and that would damn near kill him.Ā
"Because," he says.
"Because?" you prompt him for more.Ā
He hesitates, and the air between you sparkles with possibility. The tension between you and him is familiar, but this feeling ā this string between you pulling tight, like it might soon snap ā is something youāve only felt once before.Ā
Javierās chest is heaving at the intensity between you, and, before you know it, you are leaning up into his space. He is so close that his warm breath ghosts over your lips when he speaks.
āBecause IāāĀ
A vacuum cleaner sounds, and you both start, moving away from one another quickly. There, in the dim light of the main office is Imelda, one of your favourite cleaning ladies. She notices you both a moment later, and waves cheerfully, beckoning you over and switching the vacuum off. You glance back at Javier, but he is looking down, one hand on his hip and the other running through his hair. You paste on your smile, and walk over to Imelda.Ā
Javier watches you as you interact with the kind woman, though your Spanish is just passable, and she barely speaks English, you are communicating with such warmth and openness. He smiles, despite himself, despite what he had almost admitted to you. Imelda reaches into her purse and hands you something homemade in a packet, and waves you off so she can continue vacuuming.Ā
Javier is leaning against his desk when you walk the short way back to him, and he doesnāt miss the way your hand nervously clenches and unclenches. He wonders if you even know that you have a tell. You give him a half-smile as you stop in front of him, more distant than you were before, but close enough that he could probably touch you with an outstretched hand.Ā
In your hand is a packet ofĀ polvorosas, made by Imelda herself. It makes sense to him that she would give you something, you are more likable than he thinks fair. Youāre kind to all staff members, regardless of their rank, and there is something about your self-effacing warmth that inspires gift-giving.Ā
You look up at him, worrying at your lower lip and he is suddenly struck by how little he deserves you. You told him once that you thought he was a good man, but he knows that however good he is, you are a million times better.Ā
āSorry, you were,ā you smile sheepishly, ābefore, you were saying something.ā
He is quiet for a long moment as he regards you, and you feel naked in the warmth of deep brown eyes.Ā
āIt doesnāt matter.ā He turns back to his desk, sitting and picking up a report with clinical casualness. āWe should get back to work.ā
He doesnāt dare glance up at you, even as you hover near his desk, where he left you standing. You stand there for a long moment, caught between shock and hurt. And then, you shake yourself out of it, mimicking his nonchalance and picking a report back up. If Javi would have looked at you, he would have seen your hand tremble.
Medellin, 1993. Before.
In the wake of Carillo's death, in that godforsaken barrack room at Carlos HolgĆŗin, Javi is caught somewhere between grief and blinding rage, as he so often is these days. He could hardly stand it, the way loss felt new every time, no matter how many times he'd felt it. Heās angry at Carillo, for failing him, for doing such dark things in war time and leaving Javier alone to sit with it all, for not seeing it through to the end with him. Heās angry at himself, for not stopping Carillo before it went too far. He misses his mother. He hurts for Carillo's wife, for his children, for that poor kid in that goddamn alleyway. Carillo, he had always thought, was the very best of them. Uncompromising, always; going too far, sometimes. If Carillo, imposing and militaristic as he was, could not be a good man, then what chance did little Javier PeƱa have?
You come to see him after Messina leaves. Ever her opposite, you don't know the right things to say. You don't say much at all, just hover behind him and gesture to his steadily emptying whiskey bottle.
"You in a sharing mood, tonight, PeƱa?"
He passes the bottle over and watches you, eyes maybe too heavy, as you take a swig and wince at the burn of cheap liquor. You hand it back. He still hasn't said anything. He's not sure there's anything he can say.
You exhale and perch at the edge of the thin regulation mattress, leaning back on your hands as you observe him. Red-rimmed eyes, a full ashtray on the table in front of him and another cigarette, not yet lit, held between his teeth. The silence stretches between you like taffy.Ā
"You gonna say anything, or did Messina just send you in here to stare at me?"
"Messina didn't send me here."
Javier scoffs. "Yeah, I'm sure after months of bein' a pain in my ass that you're here because you care about my wellbeing, right?"Ā
You don't reply. You know when Javier is picking a fight, and you're not in the mood to give in to him, not after the day you've both had. After a few more beats of silence, Javi takes another swig, emptying his whiskey glass. Then he stands up, all sharp, abrupt movements, and lingers where you're seated, handing the bottle back as a kind of fucked up peace offering. You accept.Ā
He's still watching you as you take another sip, and he complies far too easily when you pat the open space beside you and gesture for him to sit. He sighs; it sounds jagged, wrecked.Ā
"Do you think there are any good men?"
If you're surprised by the question, you don't show it. Javier is grateful that you don't show it.Ā
"I think," you hesitate, before carefully continuing, "I think someone's actions, their choices āĀ Ā that's what makes them good. Good intentions, good thoughts, they don't count for much. The good things you do, thatās what makes the difference."
Javi swallows, parsing your answer in his mind. The silence that blankets you both now is less comfortable than before, it is thick with something unsaid.Ā
"Carrillo before heā before what happened tonight, did some things that...ā he trails off. āI don't think he was always a good person. He wasn't Escobar, but he hurt people. That story about the child in Medellin, it's true. I was there and I... I let it happen. If Carrillo isn't a good man, then what does that make me?" His voice is thick and watery, weak with pain. His head is bowed, like he's praying or like heās ashamed.
For the first time since you've met him, Javier seems human, vulnerable. No machismo, no tough mask. It pulls at your heart and tears prick at your eyes. You put the bottle down and touch his arm, feeling the muscle jump.Ā
"Oh, Javier," you breathe out, not sure what else you can say.
He moves quickly, suddenly and you almost think he might kiss you, but he doesn't. He just crumples into your arms, and you hold him, let him pretend he's the one holding you. You stroke the hair on the back of his head as you sit and breathe with him.Ā
"It's gonna be okay, Javi. It has to be," you whisper, voice muffled.
You donāt know how long you sit like that and pretend not to notice the wetness on shirt as he cries into your shoulder. Just as suddenly as he leaned in to you, he sniffs and pulls back, wipes at his eyes with the back of his hand. His other hand is still at the small of your back, fisted in your shirt. For a moment, you both just look at each other. Months of bickering in the office hallways, of posturing and competing, pass between you in that look you share. Your throat feels dry.Ā
Your eyes flicker down to Javier's pretty pink lips as his tongue darts out to lick them. You hope he doesn't see your slip, but his eyes have already darkened. He pulls you closer to him with the hand at your back and the other goes to your jaw. For all his fire and intensity, the way he holds you now is tender, almost delicate.
You lean closer just as he does, and he presses his forehead to yours, lips just a breath away. Your eyes flutter closed, so you miss the way his eyes dart over your face like they're searching for something, or committing this to memory. Just as the moment feels like it's lingering a little too long, he kisses you.Ā
Javier kisses you like he needs you, not delicate but not quite vicious either. As he pulls you impossibly closer to him, you wrap your arms around his neck and scratch at the soft hair at his nape. He gasps, and moves his lips against yours with all the intensity he can muster. Somehow, the hand cradling your jaw is still tender, even as he slips his tongue between your lips and you moan at the taste of him. He pulls you into his lap and you grind against him, lost in the feeling of him all around you. His hands are everywhere, running through your hair, grasping at your thigh. The way he kisses makes you feel boundless; overwhelmed and stunned, all at once.Ā
He pulls away, resting his head in the space between your shoulder and neck and mouthing at the skin there. He sighs, hot breath fanning against your neck. His big, warm hand slips under your shirt and runs over the clasp at the back of your bra.Ā
"Need this so bad,Ā querida," he whispers against your skin, and all too suddenly the feelings of the day come back to you.
"J-Javi," you breathe out.
He hums affirmatively against your skin and ruts up a little at the sound of his name. You can't swallow your gasp at his hardness under those tight denim jeans.
"Javier, Iā wait.Ā Stop."
His body goes still, fills with the tension that your touch had been soothing away. His voice when he says your name is wrecked, guilty and mournful.Ā
"What's wrong?" he lifts his head from your shoulder, but doesn't dare look up at you.
"I justā" you start to say, cradling his face like he held yours. "I just don't think this is what you need right now, Javier."
He makes a sound, something like a frustrated grunt but dirtier, angrier. Not at you, you don't think. Angry at himself, more likely. He drops his hands to run them through his hair.Ā
"Querida,Ā I wantā," he sighs at himself, at the words he can't put together. "I wantĀ you."
What he really means is that he knew he was attracted to you the first time he saw you, standing a little behind Messina in that godforsaken conference room, in a work-appropriate dress with sensible heels. He means that he's known he wants to do more than fuck you since that first conversation, where you refused to take his shit, rejected his flirting and put him in his fucking place. He wants to say that he likes the way you don't cower away from him, the way you demand that he deliver his best. The way you look rumpled when you work late, filing the paperwork he and Murphy pile on you unceasingly, without apology. He wants to tell you that he thinks he might be able to fall love with you, one day; in love with the sweet moments he sees when you let up on the sarcastic comments. There is so much Javi wants to tell you, but the words get stuck in his throat. He thinks it might all be too much, thatĀ heĀ might be too much, so instead he shakes his head and lets you climb off his lap.Ā
He thinks you're going to leave without another word, until you pause in the doorway.
"I think you're a good man, Javier. You worry about your heart; only good men do that."
He doesn't show up for Carrilloās funeral. You don't see him again until you almost collide in the hallway at the office. You both pause for a moment, and you take him in. The bags under his eyes are darker than usual, his hair is unkempt. You open your mouth to say something, asks if heās alright, if the whispers around the office about him and Los Pepes are true, but he's already pushed past you.Ā
It isn't until he's boarding the plane back to Texas, away from Colombia, that he lets himself think of your words again. He wishes you were right. He wishes he was a good man. He gives himself a moment to regret the way he acted. He regrets the way he pulled away from you in the weeks after that kiss, getting Murphy to file his paperwork, avoiding the break room on the third floor that he knows you like, not even saying goodbye when he knows he might never see you again. He thought you would be able to sense it on him, the stink of his broken principles, the stench of his betrayal. He regrets everything but the kiss and, even then, he regrets how it happened. You deserve so much better than him at his most broken, him at his weakest. You deserve so much more than him. Javier PeƱa knows that he isn't a good man, and he refuses to wait around for you to realise it too.Ā
He waves you off immediately, āNo, Iām not your problem, okay?ā
Your arms drop, āYouāre not a problem at all, thatās not what Iām sayingāā
āThen what are you saying?ā he challenges.Ā
You almost bite your tongue but then decide against it, āIām saying youāre being an asshole right now just because I tried to help.ā
Heās angry and youāre someplace in between desperate and tired, but you push on, hoping youāll be able to solve this without an extended argument. To little avail though, apparently.Ā
A tense exhale from him, āI donāt need your help, I donāt know how I can make it any clearer.ā
āItās not about needing itāā
āNo, itās about wanting it. I donāt want your fucking help,ā he snaps. āIām grown, I can handle my problems myself.ā
You drop your hands to your sides, āThen what am I doing here, Jason?ā
āI donāt know!ā You can literally see the regret sweep over his face but he lets the moment consume him and the words linger anyways.Ā
You know he doesnāt always think before he talks, especially when heās mad. Youāve seen it plenty when heās fighting with his family. This is the first time itās shown up with you though, and while you know itās not coming from a place of genuinityāit still really fucking stung.Ā
Far from being in your control, tears slip out, more at his tone than his words, and you remove your gaze in favor of the linoleum tiles. He says nothing as you start to cry, which only makes the heat of the moment worsen.Ā
āOkay,ā You take a deep breath, pursing your lips. āYou need to go away.ā
Thereās a long, hard moment of silence, but ultimately he doesnāt fight you on it, only exhales harshly and slams the door on his way out.
The resulting reverberation of the apartment has your shoulders shaking, tears falling onto your shirt.Ā Ā
You and Jason donāt fight often but when you do itās usually about insecurities and fears coming forward. Heād been having a bad night to start with and all you wanted to do was make him feel better but he wasnāt willing to talk to you or let you do anything for him. He gets selfishly selfless like that, but you know why.
You know him, in and out. You couldāve anticipated thisāyou shouldāve. You shouldāve approached the topic more sensitively. And itās not his fault, his life has taught him that itās safer to believe that other people donāt have his best interest. You know that.Ā
Yeah, you know him in and out, but he knows you in and out, too. He knows youāve shown him nothing but kindness and generosity since the day you met and youāve reinforced a thousand times how safe you are for him. But if he still canāt trust you to care about him, then what are you doing here?
You let yourself fall back onto the arm of the couch, huffing in defeat.Ā
Itās nearing two in the morning when Dick awakens, the bandages across his abdomen digging into his skin uncomfortably. He sits up, bedsheet pooling around his waist. The ache of the bruising pushes him towards his old bedroom door before heās even fully coherent, narrowly missing shouldering the door frame as he passes through.
Heās still half asleep as he thumps down the staircase, cold hands stuffed in the pocket of his sweatshirt. Heās so out of it in his blind search for painkillers, that he nearly misses the large shadowed figure huddled up on the couch.
Dick stills, blinking warily.
āWhatāre you doing here?ā
His younger brother says nothing, only continues to stew in the shadows, staring at the rug.
As his eyes adjust, Dick takes in his appearance: messy hair, tired eyes, only clad in a t-shirt and sweatpants.
He rubs his eyes, approaching with measured steps, āWhat happened?ā
Jason remains silent for a long minute before grunting out, āGot in a fight.ā
Dick nods slowly, shuffling forward a little more to sit on the far end of the couch.Ā
āWhatād you do?ā
Jason doesnāt have it in him to comment on how his brother immediately knew he was the issue. It just makes the entire thing hurt even worse. Instead, he tells the truth.Ā
āBe myself.ā
Dick says nothing,Ā
When the silence persists, Jason elaborates, even though itās the last thing he wants to admit to.
āI made her cry,ā he says, voice below even a whisper. He hates it and he hates himself for leaving you when he knew heād hurt you.
Dick nods, not saying anything. Heās definitely been there before, though heās not nearly as volatile as Jason can be, so he can imagine how this likely played out. In any case, Jason has never responded well to being pushed to talk about his feelings so Dick lets him get there in his own time.
Heās half expecting to end up with no results at all, but Jason pipes up after a minute, voice broken.
āI donāt know what she wants me to do,ā he rasps.
Dick takes a deep breath, adjusting his posture. āWhen girls are mad you give them space but when theyāre sad you definitely donāt. Is she sad or mad?ā
Jason exhales desperately.
āBoth, I think.ā
Dick nods, understanding.
āThen go home.ā
Jason shakes his head, defeated. āShe told me to leave. She doesnāt want to talk to me.ā
āWhat did you say?ā
He huffs, not wanting to bring the memory back up. āI basically told her to fuck off.ā
āYeah,ā Dick drawls. āI wouldnāt let that simmer.ā
Jasonās head snaps over to him. āSheāll break up with me?ā
āNo, I donātāā Dick pauses, thinking over his words. āItāll be fine. Just go home.ā
Despite taking the long route on the way to the manor, Jason sped back home on his bike, now unwilling to leave you alone for another second longer than he had to.Ā
He creeps through the front door of your apartment, proud and only a little hurt that youād remembered to lock it.Ā
The apartmentās mostly quiet, nothing but a lamp lighting up the front half. He can hear the shower running from where he stands, the waterfall noise awfully muffled from behind the closed bathroom door.
He bolts the door behind him, pushing forward towards the hallway. He approaches the bathroom door, noticing how thereās no light flooding out from underneath.
āBaby?ā Jason calls it out quietly, like heās scared to commit to alerting you of his presence.
He hears no response, but he knows you heard him. He knows you heard him in the same way that he knows youāre sitting on the shower floor, curled in on yourself under the sensory relief that the pouring water brings. He doesnāt know how, he just does.
So he leans against the door, listening closely, and calls out again, āCan I come in?ā
Thereās a solid ten seconds of silence before you respond, just barely audible over the cascade of water.
āNot right now.ā
Your volume has him wincing, saddened and embarrassed that heās the one that made you feel like this.
He reluctantly walks back to the bedroom with heavy shoulders, thudding his weight down on the mattress. He sits half folded over himself for the next ten minutes, thinking only of you, sitting alone in the shower with your thoughts.
He perks up considerably when he hears the water shut off, and after several long minutes, you emerge from the bathroom, towel wrapped around your middle.
He stands up when you enter the bedroom, hands stiff and awkward at his sides. You barely look at him, having trouble willing yourself to do more than glance.Ā
Your eyes fall downward, your lips pursing. You instinctually move to clutching the towel tighter around you, more than anything because you donāt know what to do with your hands.Ā
It makes his heart break to see you so out of comfort around himābecause of himāso he gives you the benefit of privacy, turning around so you can get dressed. It kills him to do it, makes him feel like heās just some stranger in your life rather than him. But he supposes that he deserves to feel like that right now.Ā
Whether or not you wanted him to turn around goes unsaid, he can only hear the quiet shuffling of you putting clothes on.
He waits until the movement stops, after he hears the squeak of the bed springs and the faint sound of the sheets being pulled up.
He turns around again with a silent sigh, taking in the sight of you laying in bed, back turned to him.Ā Ā
He approaches slowly, stopping just before his knees hit the mattress. He notices quickly that the t-shirt youād chosen was one of your own. He frowns.Ā Ā
āSweetheart. Can I touch you?ā His voice is soft and low, like heās trying to coax you back out to him.
It takes a long few moments, but you nod.
He sits down on the bed, still hesitant to go through with it.
āWill you turn over?ā
An even longer pause and youāre flipping over to face him. You donāt make eye contact, only look blankly past him. Your blinks are heavy, and even in the dark, he can see that your eyes are still bloodshot.Ā
He brushes your hair back, his fingers feather-light against you, like heās scared to touch you too harshly. Like heās touching porcelain.
He lets you hold the silence for a while, reasoning with himself that youāll talk when youāre ready.
You let it go on longer than heād hoped, past the point of him knowing what to do with it. Heād hoped youād yell at him. He can take that, he knows he can. He can see plainly that youāre thinking deeply and wants more than anything for you to say it, scream it if you have to.Ā
He knows he deserves it and he frankly would take anything over the silence. But then again, he doesnāt deserve the reprieve, does he? No, but heās not strong enough to deny himself the chance to hear your voice.
āSay it,ā he urges. āPlease.ā
Your fingers tap against the bed sheets for a moment before you sit up, almost defeated.Ā
You face him, taking a breath and relenting. āI donāt like that you said that to me.ā
He nods, brow deep. āMe neither.ā
Your shoulders sag at that, and you feel stuck in the moment. You feel guilty too but you donāt know if you should. He didnāt mean it, you know that, and they werenāt his words, really. But the snap of his voice when heād said it and the look on his faceāit made you feel terrible. It still does.
You look awkwardly to the left, feeling heavily spectated by him and so hyper-conscious of all of your movements. The downturn of your lips gives way to burning in your eyes and before you can do anything about it, tears are spilling out.Ā
Jason sees it immediately, his head lulling helplessly.Ā
āOh, baby. Please donāt cry, please.ā
But that only makes it worse, the tears falling faster and heavier at his soft tone.
He forgoes asking permission and pulls you directly into his chest, a firm hand on the back of your head. Itās what you needed though, to be close to him right now.
āIām sorry. Iām really fucking sorry, babyāā he murmurs against your hair, pressing a rough kiss as he holds you tighter.
You shake your head, sniffling. āItās okay, Jay.ā
āNo, itās not.ā
That sentiment lingers for several minutes, as he holds you cheek to chest and rubs soothing patterns into your hair.
Itās not long before youāre able to fully relax against him, his touch feeling nothing short of therapeutic. Your breathing eventually levels out back to baseline and your thoughts start to find peace amongst themselves.
When youāre ready, you sit back from him, letting him see your face again.Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā Ā
He visibly winces as he scans over the tears on your cheeks, how theyāre starting to stain.
Youāre still upset, a little, but not nearly as much as youāre sure your face is conveying.Ā
āItās okay,ā you tell him, wiping your eyes with your sleeve.
He shakes his head, āIf I ever say something like that to you again, hit me. Iām serious.ā
You drop your hand onto your lap, tilting your head at him with a serious look. āIām not going to hit youāā
āThen break up with me. Donāt ever let somebody talk to you like that, especially not me.ā
His voice is hard and you can tell the impact of his words have every bit of weight intended.
Your mouth closes and you waver unsure of where to go with that. Your gaze falls down to where your hands lie discarded on your lap and thereās a palpable shift to the air in the room.
āHey.ā He pushes your chin up to make you look at him, āListen to me. Youāre the love of my life. You hear me? Iām supposed to take care of you, make you happy. I donātā¦I canāt talk to you like that. Iām sorry. Iām really sorry.ā
Your eyes flicker back and forth across each others and you can see the genuine sincerity etched plainly across his face.
He processes the comprehension across your own before his jaw tenses for a moment and he adds, āNobodyās gonna talk to you like that, much less me. Yes?āĀ
You start to nod slowly and he mirrors you until heās convinced of your belief in the statement.Ā
He rubs calm circles into your thighs as you both sit with the conversation, the light sounds of each others breaths the only sound heard. This silence isnāt the same as it was before though, itās safer, more comfortable. Itās familiar, if not weighted.Ā Ā
āI love you,ā you tell him quietly.
His eyebrows furrow like his heart was just shattered.Ā
āI love you too, baby. So much.ā
š¦ if you don't reblog things i'm actively sending bad vibes your way š¦ and maybe also a plague
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Notes: This is the first fanfiction that I had the courage to post! Iām super excited but also a little nervous. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I loved writing it. English isnāt my first language, so I apologize in advance for any mistakes, and Iād be grateful for any tips you have! Iām considering a part two with some smut, but Iām still building up my confidence in English to try it. Have a nice reading, and please donāt forget to repost, leave kudos and commentsāyour thoughts mean the world to me!
World count: 2k
nightwing/dick grayson
The sound of footsteps dragging across the hardwood floor was what broke the silence of your apartment, jarring you awake from a fitful sleep. The clock on your nightstand blinked red: 2:47 a.m. You didnāt have to look to know who it was. Youād recognize his tread anywhere, the slightly uneven steps that meant heād probably taken another beating tonight. A familiar knot of fear tightened in your chest, but a wave of relief washed over you as well. He was here. He was alive, at least for now.
With a sigh, you threw on the robe hanging by the bed, clutching it tightly around your body as you moved through the darkened hallway. You were so tiredāexhausted in a way that no amount of sleep could ever fix. It was a weariness that lived in your bones, a heaviness that came from watching someone you loved throw themselves into the jaws of danger night after night. You tried, every time, to tell yourself it wouldnāt happen again, that youād close the window and let him figure it out on his own. But the truth was, you could never turn him away. Every time he stumbled through that window, beaten, bruised, and bleeding, you were there to catch him.
When you reached the kitchen, he was standing by the sink, his back to you, gulping down water like heād been running for miles. His shoulders slumped in fatigue, his usually immaculate hair disheveled, and from the faint reflection in the window above the sink, you could see a small cut on his lip, a bruise darkening along his jaw. He looked⦠worn. He always looked a little worn, but tonight there was something different. The way he leaned against the counter, his hand gripping the edge so hard his knuckles had gone white, it was like he was trying to keep himself anchored to the ground.
āHey, sweets,ā he said, not even turning around. His voice was rough, more from exhaustion than pain, but you could hear the tension in it. āSorry for waking you.ā
You took a shaky breath, closing the distance between you and him. āItās fine. Iām used to it.ā You tried to sound lighthearted, but the words felt hollow. How many times had you said this? How many nights had he apologized, and how many times had you brushed it off like it didnāt matter?
In truth, it did matter. Every time he came to you like this, a little more of your heart chipped away. Every bruise, every scarāit was like you were carrying them too, bearing his pain in silence. There were so many times you wanted to scream at him to stop, to beg him to leave this life behind. But you knew he never would.
The silence stretched between you, heavy and loaded. He finished his water, setting the glass down on the counter with a dull thud. You could feel the question hanging in the air, the one you always asked even though you knew the answer would be the same.
āWhat happened?ā you asked softly, stepping closer, your hand brushing lightly against his back. His muscles tensed under your touch, but he didnāt pull away.
āItās nothing. Just⦠a long night,ā he replied, his voice barely a whisper. But you knew him well enough to know it wasnāt just that. He leaned into your touch for a moment, letting out a long, shuddering breath, and then you felt his body sag, as if all the weight heād been carrying suddenly became too much.
He turned to face you, and thatās when you saw the rawness in his eyes. There was guilt there, a deep, gnawing pain that he was trying so hard to hide, but it was spilling over, cracking the mask he always wore. He reached up, his hand trembling slightly as he touched your cheek, his thumb brushing gently against your skin. āA woman got shot tonight,ā he said finally, the words falling heavily into the quiet. āShe⦠she was just an innocent bystander. If I had been faster, more careful⦠maybeā¦ā
āDick,ā you murmured, placing your hand over his, trying to still his shaking fingers. āItās not your fault.ā You spoke the words gently, firmly, hoping he would believe you, though you knew he wouldnāt.
But he just shook his head, a haunted look in his eyes. āIt feels like it is. Every time someone gets hurt, I⦠I canāt shake the feeling that I should have been better. Done more.ā
You took a deep breath, fighting the tears that threatened to spill over. You wanted to tell him that he didnāt have to be perfect, that he didnāt have to carry the world on his shoulders. But you knew he wouldnāt listen. His mission, his need to protect Gotham, was woven so deeply into his soul that nothing you said would change it.
Instead, you wrapped your arms around him, pulling him into a tight embrace. He stiffened at first, but then he melted against you, burying his face in the crook of your neck. You could feel his breath, warm and uneven against your skin, and his grip tightened, like he was afraid that if he let go, he would fall apart.
āIām so tired,ā he whispered, the words barely audible. You could feel the exhaustion in him, the weight of every battle heād fought, every person he hadnāt been able to save. And for a moment, you wondered if he would finally break, if he would finally let you in, let you carry some of that burden with him.
But then he pulled back, his expression shuttered once again, and you knew that he wouldnāt. Not tonight. Maybe not ever.
Still, you took his hand, leading him toward the bathroom. He followed silently, and you could feel the tension radiating off him, the heaviness of everything he couldnāt say. You wanted to tell him how much it hurt you to see him like this, how every bruise and scar he bore felt like one etched into your own skin. But instead, you just filled the bathtub with warm water, your fingers brushing against his as you gently helped him undress.
As he sank into the tub, you knelt beside him, reaching for the shampoo. Your hands moved carefully, massaging the lather into his hair, washing away the dirt and blood from his night. His eyes drifted shut, his body slowly relaxing under your touch, and you could see some of the tension melting away. Here, in this quiet, dimly lit bathroom, it was almost like everything was normal. Like he was just a man, and you were just the woman who loved him.
You could feel your own tears slipping down your cheeks, though you tried to hold them back. Watching him like this, so vulnerable, broke something in you. You wanted so desperately for him to stop, to give up this life and just⦠live. With you. But that was a dream, one that would never come true.
When you were done, you helped him out of the tub, drying him off with slow, careful strokes, your hands lingering just a moment longer than necessary. You dressed him in fresh clothes, guiding him to the bed, and he didnāt resist as you brushed through his hair, letting your fingers trail gently against his scalp.
āItās enough, sweets,ā he murmured, his voice soft and thick with sleep. āCan we just⦠go to bed now?"
You hesitated, looking down at him. You wanted to tell him everything you felt, all the fear and pain that you kept bottled up inside. But he looked so tired, so worn down, and you couldnāt bring yourself to add to his burden. So you just nodded, slipping under the covers beside him.
He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you close, his face buried in your hair. āThank you,ā he whispered, his voice barely audible. āFor everything. I donāt know what Iād do without you.ā
A tear slipped down your cheek, and you pressed your face against his chest, hiding it from him. āItās fine, Dick,ā you whispered. āIād do it all again.ā
The silence filled the room and it was almost sacred, a rare moment of peace in a life filled with chaos. He was holding you close, his arm wrapped securely around your waist as if he was afraid youād slip away, vanish into the dark. You could feel his heartbeat, steady and grounding beneath your hand on his chest, and for a moment, you let yourself pretend that this was your lifeāthat he wasnāt Nightwing, that he was just Dick, and that he was yours.
A sliver of moonlight streamed through the curtains, casting a pale glow across his face. His eyes were closed, his lashes casting faint shadows over his cheeks, and you let yourself study him, unguarded and still. Every line of his face was familiar to you, etched into your memory from a thousand stolen glances. But there was something fragile about him tonight, something that made you want to reach out, to hold him a little tighter, as if you could shield him from the life heād chosen.
He must have sensed your gaze, because his eyes fluttered open, soft and filled with an exhaustion that went beyond the physical. For a long moment, he just looked at you, as if he was searching for something, some answer hidden in your face. And you held his gaze, your own heart pounding as the weight of all your unsaid words settled between you, heavy and unbreakable.
Slowly, almost hesitantly, he raised a hand to your cheek, his fingers brushing against your skin with a tenderness that stole the breath from your lungs. āI donāt⦠deserve this,ā he whispered, his voice barely more than a breath. āI donāt deserve you.ā
You shook your head, covering his hand with yours, feeling the roughness of his calloused fingers beneath your touch. āDonāt say that,ā you murmured, your voice trembling. āItās not you who decides.ā
For a moment, he looked like he was going to argue, to turn away from you ignoring your feelings. But you saw the vulnerability so clearly in his eyes in a way youād only seen glimpses of before. His hand moved from your cheek to the back of your neck, pulling you closer, and your breath caught as his forehead rested against yours, the warmth of his skin grounding you.
āWhy?ā he whispered, his voice breaking. āWhy do you keep doing this, night after night? Why do you keep letting me in?ā
You swallowed hard, should you tell him you love him? That you had always loved him and always will? That you just couldnāt leave? No matter how hard you tried? The words were almost spilling from your lips, But you couldnāt bring yourself to say them out loud. āI donāt know, I just care so much about you, that it hurts. I can't seem to let you go.ā
A shuddering breath escaped him, and he closed his eyes, his face a mix of pain and guilt. āIām just so sorry for everything I put you through. Iā¦I thought you hated me at this point.ā he murmured, his thumb tracing slow, soothing circles at the base of your neck. āFor dragging you into this shit. Iām sorry, I really am.ā
You shook your head, your fingers reaching up to tangle in his hair, holding him close. āI could never hate you. I just⦠I wish you didnāt have to carry this alone. I wish⦠you could let me in.ā
His eyes opened, locking onto yours, and in the soft glow of the moonlight, you could see everything heād kept hiddenāthe fear, the longing, and now there was a new feeling that you couldnāt quite decypher what it was.
He didnāt say anything. Instead, he leaned forward, his lips brushing against yours in the lightest, most delicate kiss, as if he was afraid that if he pressed too hard, youād disappear. It was a kiss filled with hesitation, with years of longing and fear, with all the words heād never found the courage to say. And as his lips moved against yours, slow and tender, you felt your heart shatter and mend all at once, as if this was the moment youād been waiting for, the moment youād always known would come but never truly believed.
You kissed him back, your hand moving to cup his face, feeling the warmth of his skin beneath your fingertips, the faint scrape of stubble against your palm. It was soft, unhurried, a gentle exploration that spoke of all the times youād imagined this, the way his lips would feel against yours, the way his breath would mingle with yours. And in that kiss, you poured everythingāall the nights youād spent worrying, the tears youād shed for him, the love that had grown quietly in the depths of your heart, waiting for this very moment.
When you finally pulled back, both of you breathless, he rested his forehead against yours, his eyes closed, a faint, almost disbelieving smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. His thumb traced slow, lazy circles on your back, grounding you, and for the first time, you saw a glimmer of peace in his expression.
āStay with me,ā he murmured, his voice so soft you almost didnāt hear it. āJust⦠stay with me, like this. Please.ā
You nodded, your hand moving to brush a stray lock of hair from his face. āAlways,ā you whispered, and you knew, deep down, that it was a promise you would keep, no matter how many nights he stumbled through your door, broken and battered. Because this was where you belongedāright here, by his side, in the quiet hours of the night, holding him together even as he held you.
As he pulled you back into his arms, his lips found yours again, a little more certain this time, a little less hesitant. And under the soft glow of the moonlight, in the silence of your shared space, you kissed him like youād always dreamed, like he was the air you needed to breathe, like he was the very heartbeat of your soul. Because, in a way, he was. He always had been.
The kiss deepened, slow and unhurried, a gentle exploration of everything youād both kept hidden. His hands moved up to cradle your face, his thumbs brushing along your cheekbones as if he was committing every detail to memory. And in that kiss, you felt years of pain and fear melting away, replaced by something softer, something that felt like hope.
When you finally broke apart, he held you close, his head resting against yours, his breath mingling with yours in the quiet. Neither of you spoke, because words felt unnecessary. Everything you needed to say had been shared in that kiss, in the way his hands held you, in the way his eyes met yours with a vulnerability heād never let anyone else see.
And as you lay together in the quiet, the weight of the world momentarily forgotten, you knew that this was what youād been waiting for, what youād been fighting for. In that moment, you knew that you would always stay with him, no matter how much it hurt, no matter how much you wished he would stop, you knew you would always be there for him. Because even though he was breaking you, piece by piece, you loved him. You loved him more than you loved your own heart, and you knew you would stay by his side, no matter how many nights he stumbled through your door, broken and bleeding.
Because that was what love was, wasnāt it? Holding on, even when everything in you wanted to let go.
This is so good!! So many authors focus on Dickās cheerful, energetic side and it is so so nice to read something about his vulnerability and his emotional unavailability. Iāve always felt like Dick uses his humor and smile as a shield to avoid being too sensitive and this fic captures it perfectly! Iām blown away that this is your first fic, OP, itās beautiful!
False Accusations (You know I KNOW right? Chapter Two)
Let me first say thank you for all the kind reception part one received. It was ⦠a surprise, and a welcome one.
Also, a massive thank you to @sunnie-angel for beta reading. If you havenāt read their work⦠Do yourself a favor and check out their masterlist!
This Chapter takes place over a few days in two mini stories., and I would appreciate being told if at any point this causes confusion. Currently how Iāve done it is as tilted segments.
Content warning: this chapter has themes of sexual harassment in the workplace up to the point of groping (from an OC), and corruption. Proceed with caution. Be safe.
The morning after.
You are going to murder your partner, Grayson.
Perhaps with a gun. Maybe your own two hands.
Or maybe you just need coffee.
It's probably the coffee thing. Coffee, then youāll decide if you're going to kill him and how.
As you sit at your table, surrounded by notes youād made at 4am, the urge to throttle Grayson slowly subsides.
You hadnāt slept a wink. Youād had a weird night.
But if you were going to do this, help him find this killer⦠youād need a plan for if it all goes to hell.
A diversion.
A plan so that if youāre made, maybe the killer will think youāre on the wrong track. A dummy investigation. But simultaneously one that you wonāt overthink, so that you can devote your time and brainpower to the truth.
Luckily for you, you have the perfect person to pretend to accuse.
After all, your partner, Grayson, is an incredibly weird guy.
8:55 am finds you walking into the station sipping your third coffee of the morning, only to find Grayson sat at his desk.
Shirt pressed, tie perfect, hair shampoo commercial glamourous yet slightly messy.
The urge to murder your partner returns, just a little.
How dare he be so⦠normal? So unaffected? How dare this man fight crime by night, and be smiling at you as he is now, chipper and bright and perfect, before 9am?
The nerve. Maybe you could hit him with a patrol car and claim it was an accident.
āMorning detective⦠Long night?ā
Oh..
This fucker.
Your partner, Grayson, is the most annoying man alive. You hate how badly you have to fight the urge to grin at the sheer audacity.
She looks exhausted, the poor thing.
Dick remembered the feeling, but at some point heād adapted to running on less sleep than was by any means reasonable.
He hoped she wouldnāt need to. That this would be over in a few weeks and sheād be back to getting a full eight hours.
āMorning Detective⦠Long night?ā
She glares at him like heās caused personal offence. He raises an eyebrow at her to prompt a response. Inside though, he panics. Had he done something wrong? Could she suspect?
No. no of course not.
But whatever she said next would surely be important. It was a test of sorts.
What would she say sheād spent the night doing? Would she betray his alter ego? Could she sell the lie if she didnāt?
āJust had a night in, had a little too much to drink,ā she shrugs, opening her bag and removing a notebook. Casual, calm, partially true and nearly impossible to disprove short of a blood test or breathalyser, and even then there was deniability.
Dick nods, and looks back down to his computer to hide the grin that splits his face in half.
He knows he canāt dwell on it, knows he canāt act on it, but itās completely unfair that she was that smooth. That helpful. Sheād agreed to help him - as Nightwing - instantly. Her words about how Blud owed him a debt had played in his mind on loop for the rest of his patrol. He knew what it felt like to fly. To flip through the air at dizzying heights, gravity a mere afterthought. It was cruel, frankly, that heād found someone who made him feel even better than that, only for her to be someone he couldnāt be with out of principle and professionalism.
It wasnāt that he objected to her as a partner - short of his family, she was possibly the best heād ever met. Frankly, if she was transferred to Gotham, the bat signal would be turned on far less frequently.
And he didnāt object to rules about dating fellow officers, especially oneās partner. Objectively it made sense.
But it didnāt change the fact that her smile was the best part of his day.
That on the rare times she laughed he could swear he heard an angel just straight up quit its position in the heavenly chorus out of pure envy.
That when sheād said sheād help heād wanted nothing more than to grab her face and kiss her till she was breathless.
But he canāt. Or at least Dick Grayson canāt.
A new voice breaks him from his spiralling thoughts.
āDetective Grayson.ā The man standing behind his partner's desk has a hand on the back of her seat, preventing her from swivelling around.Ā
āWe havenāt met yet, Iām Sergeant James McElroy. Seems you spent most of my first day back stuck on a stakeout.ā
āPleasure.ā he responds, with all the charm heās learnt to use at galas and parties, forcing down the venom incurred by the way his partner had seemed to lose a gallon of blood at the sound of his voice, and the way she had seemed not to breath since the name was spoken.
He's not touching you.
Of course not. He knows better than to do anything so blatant. It's how heād gotten away with it for so long last time.
He doesnāt touch you, or say the things he was so clearly thinking. He would masterfully walk the line between making you feel unsafe, alone, and naked, while never crossing over into anything actionable.
Till one day he had. It had been in a crowded lift where heād used the crush as an excuse to grab and to feel, whispering something vile in your ear.Ā
Heād figured heād gotten away with it when you tried to tell your captain and heād asked if you had a witness. Youād thought heād gotten away with it too.
Till a uniformed officer, Janet Rodwell, had stepped up to have your back.
You should have known, really. For the second time in 24 hours you feel like a fool.
But while the first time it had been accompanied with a dizzying realisation of love, this time the realisation is dark and chilling to your core.
Youād thought youād won, that it was over.
But heās back and heās not touching you, but you feel the ghost of his hands all over.
You canāt win. Heād been sent away and you thought you were safe again, but heās back and heās a sergeant now.
Because Bludhaven, as it is, rewards men like him.
You canāt bring yourself to look over your shoulder at him, so you look straight ahead, across your desk and to your partnerās adjoining one.
It's not Dick Graysonās eyes you meet though. They arenāt cheerful, carefree and beautiful. Well, they are beautiful. But they are angry, intelligent, and fierce. You meet Nightwings gaze, and you feel the claws around your lungs relax, even if they do not recede.Ā
His partner did not rattle easily. Did not panic unnecessarily.Ā
Pinned down by the Penguinās smugglers, heād thought their goose had been cooked unless he could work at his true capacity, so he had shot out the lights and gotten to work. Heād taken out nine, but been unable to find the tenth, until heād heard the struggle.Ā
Sheād taken him down blind, without drawing her gun. When heād asked her why she hadnāt, sheād told him sheād lost sight of him in the chaos, and was unwilling to risk it. He wished he hadnāt shot the light out so he could have seen it.Ā
Still, he had been oblivious. It had hit him like a batarang to the face last night, in that moment where she agreed without hesitation to help him find a serial killer.
Heād known she was beautiful, and brilliant. That he had a crush.Ā
Heād realised last night he was in far, far deeper trouble than that.
So, if she was frightened and upset by the presence of this man, then Dick would take his looming over her as a serious threat. He trusted her gut.
āYou havenāt introduced yourself to my partner, Detectiveā-ā
Heās cut off with a dismissive wave that boils his blood. āOh weāve met. In fact, she was my partner first. Until the misunderstanding.ā
There are many ways to snap someone out of a panic. Heās seen sheer rage do it many times. As it does now.
āThere was no misunderstanding,ā she says, her voice firm, her teeth gritted.
āWell. I want you to know-ā he moves from directly behind her, to her side, leaning down over her, invading her space. Dick wanted to hit him.
āI understand that what I did could have been seen as invasive, and you may have felt that I overstepped. I have completed a course, as demanded by HR, and will attempt not to cause you to feel that I have been inappropriate again.ā
She takes a deep breath. He can practically hear her count in his head.
He stands, moving around the desk to stand beside her, not quite a barrier but a comforting presence, or at least he hoped. āWell. Whatever occurred, we have work to be getting on with, if you donāt mind.ā
It takes a great deal of the restraint his training has given not to add the words āyou bastardā, or something far more creative.
āBut of course. Detective. Detective.āĀ Ā
Your hands shake as you sit back down in your seat. Your partner, Grayson, returns to his own, his gaze - Richardās gaze, never leaving your face, crumpled in concern. āI donāt want to overstep⦠but are you alright? What ⦠did he do?ā
āIā¦ā you want to tell him, in part. Or maybe you donāt, and you want him to know without having to go through the ordeal of rehashing it all.
Maybe by consulting whatever āoracleā he used as nightwing.
But you canāt right now. So you donāt.
āI⦠need some air.ā
Your partner just gives you a comforting smile, a nod, and lets you leave without question.
Wingding in the windowĀ
It's five days later, on his patrol, when he notices it. The wingding left in her window. He stops on the roof of the building adjacent to her. As far as city roofs go, this oneās relatively nice. Someoneās placed some potted plants around, in an eclectic attempt at a rooftop garden. Some of these pots contain small pebbles as cover for the soil from the wind. Grinning to himself, he takes a handful.Ā
Was this a good idea? No.Ā
Was it deceptive? Well, no more than anything else he did as Nightwing⦠well, maybe a little more.Ā
But it hurt, holding her at arm's length, when a part of his soul he tried to ignore yearned to be as close as she would allow.
He knows itās not good. He knows itās a violation of the utter trust she seems to hold in Nightwing. Really, it would only make things even more messy for his chances as Dick.
But he wants to make her smile. Blush, even. He knows she finds him attractive, and in both contexts, but he wants more than that. Over the last week heās realised just how much he wants to have with her, and it terrifies him.Ā
If it was simple lust he could deal with it.Ā But it wasnāt, and so here he was, about to attempt the cheesiest move known to hallmark films, just to see if it would make her laugh at him again.Ā
Heād managed to be professional while surrounded by highly capable, badass women in skintight clothes for most of his life. Heād had crushes before and gotten over them.
He wanted everything with her. And that was not something he knew how to handle, given the mess of their situation.
Dick shakes his head, snapping himself out of his doom spiral. He had a detective to meet, and a serial killer to find.
Bap.
Bap.
Bap.
You look up from your book. Youād been getting ready for sleep, wearing your cosy pyjamas, curled up in bed with a book and a hot chocolate. You go still, listening.
Bap.
Bap.
A pause. Then, the rap of knuckles on glass. āI ran out of rocksā
You know that voice.
āWith you in a moment.ā
You pull on a dressing gown, and take a moment to curse the fact that your slippers are rabbits before pulling the curtains aside.
Nightwing is crouched on your windowsill. You lift it, stepping back as he enters through the window with all the grace of a cat.
You know that you shouldnāt be embarrassed to be in your pyjamas, it's late, you had no means of knowing when heād arrive. But he looked divine in that suit. An adonis. And you're in your old bathrobe and bunny slippers. Truely, you must have done terrible things in a past life.
āNice footwear.ā Nightwing says with a smirk. Curse him. Curse his cheekbones and the way his lips look so damn inviting.
āYou picked up what, five rocks?ā you sass right back.
Nightwing makes a noise you suspect was supposed to be a scoff, but is more of a squeak. āDo you see a lot of pocket space on this?āĀ
āFair.ā you say, leading him out of your bedroom and into your living room.
He sits on your couch, one leg spread wide, the otherās ankle resting on its thigh, as you open a drawer on your coffee table and produce your masterpiece.
Nearly five metres of red string. Names, photos, dates, all studded with pins so pressed so tightly in they havenāt a prayer of accidental removal. You prop it up on the coffee table.Ā
Maybe your friends were right. Maybe you did need to touch grass. A line of thought for later.
You look at Nightwing, whoās no longer relaxed and laying back on your sofa like he owned the place.Ā
Its years of maintaining a poker face in interrogations and more recently, dealing with his shenanigans that prevents you from grinning.Ā
He's as pale as youāve ever managed to see him, and leaning forward now, elbow on knee and chin in hand. āWell, this is⦠impressive.ā
He sounded like heād inhaled helium.
āShall we start with Sergeant McElroy?ā you offer, smiling your best āthereās nothing wrongā smile, enjoying making him squirm.
āYou seem to have ⦠a significant amount of evidence against Detective Richard Grerson?ā
You fight the urge to roll your eyes as you take a ruler, poking your picture of him between the eyes. You hadnāt planned to do him first, youād hoped to discuss evidence that would actually lead somewhere.Ā
This was still going to be fun though. You take a deep breath, and pause for a suitable level of dramatic effect, and begin your game.Ā
āDetective Richard Grayson. Heās my partner. Heās an excellent detective, and a good man. You might have heard of the charity he founded.ā
Nightwing makes a noncommittal humming noise.
āBut is it all too good to be true?ā you ask, moving to your first notecard.
āExhibit one. He asked about the file. On its own, innocuous. But then, exhibits two through four. Heās prone to frequent disappearances on cases. He often knows a little too much about the criminal underside of Blud. Things that I have triple checked are not in any police database.ā
You run a hand through your hair. āHeās a highly trained combatant. I once saw him take down nine men armed with guns, in the dark. They donāt teach that at the police academy.ā
āNo? No.ā Nightwing says, clearing his throat. āI mean yes. That is⦠suspicious.ā
āIncredibly. Which brings me to exhibit five. Now Iām no behavioural analyst or shrink. But I know my basics. Childhood trauma and instability can have⦠lingering impacts. I⦠donāt feel the need to dredge up his past, but I did look into it⦠and itās grim. He was then taken in by Bruce Wayne. His relationship to his father, whatever it is, is something heās even tighter lipped about then⦠everything else honestly. Itās not on the board because itās circumstantial at best⦠but he has this skill of being able to hold long conversations and yet you come away not having learnt anything deeper about him.āĀ
He was pretty sure heād been nodding for a good thirty seconds at this point.Ā Ā
It would be funny if it didnāt hurt so much.Ā
The worst part was that it was all well reasoned. Practical. He had done everything she accused him of. She had just drawn a far more down to earth conclusion, that he was a corrupt cop, rather than Nightwing.Ā
It made sense. Too much sense. How could he shut this down without seeming invested in his own innocence?Ā
That isnāt what causes his lungs to burn though.
No. The root of that was that even if heād forced himself to maintain a professional - if friendly - distance from her, he would have hoped that she trusted him.Ā
But in this moment, looking at the evidence, looking at her holding that ruler to his photoās face like a judge's gavel ready to condemn⦠he knows.
He knows that she will never look at Dick the way she does as Nightwing, happy to see him, believing in his mission, ready to help as soon as heād asked.
Even if he clears himself of this crime, she would surely suspect him of others.Ā
Heād known it, at least on one level, ever since heād first met her.
He knows it now all the deeper, and he wants to scream.
Dick Grayson will never get to tell her how truly wonderful she is.
How highly he regards her.Ā
How she is one of the reasons he keeps fighting for Bludhaven.Ā
Dick Grayson will never get to tell her that he loves her.Ā
But⦠perhaps Nightwing could have something. Because if she was his north star, then the way heād felt when she agreed to help him had been like being engulfed by a supernova.Ā
If she was water, then seeing her cosy and ready for bed and smiling as she let him in through the window had been an oasis in the Sahara.Ā
If music was the food of love, her attempts not to laugh and stifled giggles over his peeps popcorn had been a symphony orchestra.Ā
But heād never have her as himself. Not at all.
Nightwing though? She at least found him attractive. Aligned with his ideology.
No, heād never feel that warmth of 10,000 stars directed at the real him.Ā
No, heād never be able to be quenched by her life saving presence.Ā
No, heād never feel her laughter shaking his bones as if in a musical crescendo.
But even the dimmest and most distant star gave off some light.
Even the last drop in an empty water skin was better than nothing.
Even the memory of a melody could be sweet.
True, he would only ever have scraps of her affection. True, he could flirt, and perhaps go even further⦠but heād never truly be with her.Ā
But who was a starving man to deny scraps of sustenance? Heād take what he could have and try to ignore the lingering hunger.Ā
āPerhaps we should discuss⦠another suspect?ā he prompts, realising how long heās been silent. How long she had been too, watching him with a strange, concerned look.
She nods, and moves on to their Captain.
Dick is almost relieved when some ten minutes later Oracle calls in a robbery downtown.
āWell - sorry Sherlock.ā He takes a picture of her board for further study. āIāll be around next week to continue this discussion, and look over this in my own time till then. Duty calls.ā
āBe safe,ā
She says softly, as heās halfway through the window
He looks over his shoulder. āAs you wish.ā
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Honestly please just reblog it anyway? I worked hard on this. Nothing more demotivating than a fic getting only likes. If you want part three, reblog part two.Ā
Such a fun and well-written Dick Grayson fic! I really love how the Reader-character is characterized and her relationship with Nightwing is just perfect