Stupid & Anxious

aka my Favourite band in the entire world <3

Kinabeats - I’m in love with you

Maybe i am just not made for this world? I could have been born in the wrong place, at the wrong time, with the wrong people? Something. I don't know what, but i know its true. I can feel it in my heart when i look at my friends and things i do and say to them, my family and the way i destroy everything good, my life and how nothing ever seems enough to make me happy. Sometimes i think my life is going to change, and things will get better but i will only ever be able to see the sadness in things because it is the way my mind has been programmed.

I’m so glad she cares so much for me. so much that she never notices my little slip ups or cries for help, so much that she never notices that i keep a cut up razor on my bed side table every time she walks into my room or the bloody tissues that sit next to it. So much that when she sees my art, covered in razors and blood, my writing that spills out emotion. emotions that come from inside my head. she just cares so much for me. It’s crazy. 

My mind is complicated. But don’t worry it confuses me more than anyone. 

Stop asking whats wrong. Why i never leave my room. Why i never talk to a certain person. whats happened. I don’t know! okay? i just... I don’t know. All i know is I can’t stop feeling this way, no matter what i try. Don’t tell me to just try, or try doing something. You telling me this will never fix the way i feel, no matter what i try i always feel empty and tired. I just can’t talk and laugh, i can’t do anything. I’m not being selfish, i just can’t stop feeling this way. I don’t even know what i am feeling anymore, i just want to be alone but when i am alone i feel isolated. i don’t know what i am feeling, i don’t know what i want, and i don’t know what to do. So just stop, and give up. i already have. 

My life will never change. I will always hide from everyone, from social situations, from life. I will always cower away from others, I will never stick up for myself or say what I want to say. I will always filter everything I say, I will never fight back to those I hate. I will never change from the scared little girl that cries every night. This is how my life is going to play out. And I can’t change that.

My dear sweet.

I say sorry a lot. I say sorry for saying something weird. I say sorry for laughing loudly. I say sorry for crying. I say sorry because i don’t want you to judge me. I say sorry because I don’t want you to hurt me. I say sorry because i need you to like me. But the main reason i say sorry is because my ENTIRE life is only ever a burden to those around me, so i say sorry for it. I am sorry i am such a mess, i am sorry I am never there for any of you, I am sorry i depend on you all so much. If it helps i can tell you this, One day i will get tired of saying sorry and instead just say goodbye. 

Edge of seventeen - Nadine 

But that’s not real. I have no friends, i am not talented, no one wants to see me, i could disappear and no one would notice. I stay home and dream of a life i will never have, no guy drools over my ever move, no guy reminisces  over my laugh. I cry non stop, and when i do smile my mind seems to try and find whatever memory it can to break me. I can’t paint, sing or do anything i wish i could. I am jealous of people, and i prove them right. I get pushed away, and i am able to pull away from everyone just as quick. I am a pathetic, lonely, ugly girl who is loved by no one. 

Eric and Happie - It’s yours

Maybe i am just disappointed? i am not sad, or angry at you. Maybe i am just disappointed that this is who i am, what my life is, that this is how it is going to be for a while. Maybe i am disappointed because i know i can’t change it, no matter what i do because i don’t fit it anywhere anymore.