stressed kiddo

just got a call from the american psychiatric association. you old dogs, i said, picking up on the first ring. how many times i gotta tell you to lose this number. i don’t want you coming around here anymore. “listen, toots, we’ve been doing some thinking,” they says, and i says, guess there’s a first time for everything. “you’re a real funny dame, sugardoll. reviewing criticism, we’ve determined that the biggest issue with our previous diagnostic and statistic manuals of mental disorders is the anonymity of it all. we’ve been circling around a vague figure of the mentally well without defining the traits of a mentally well person. there’s no personality. what we need is a cute broad with a couple opinions to model the psychological norm.” so i’m saying back up and give it to me straight: i’m the new standard of sanity? can i get that in writing? and they say, “as the american psychiatric association we hereby state that you are the baseline and any deviations from your personality are deviations from the very concept of sanity, at least in the united states psychiatric system.” they’re making it public tomorrow. it’s a nice gig, if you really want to know. never thought they’d let a woman do it.

The entire point of, OK, my phone really wants to call it Anastasia so I guess we’re doing that? The entire point of Anastasia (as administered by a board-certified Anastasiologist) during sugary. Sugary? Haven’t I suffered enough? The entire point of Anastasia during augury. Jesus Christ. Hold up. You know what, augury is preferable to sugary. Augury is obviously performed by an auger (makes sense if you give it a think) whereas sugary is performed by…? A sugardaddy? NO THANK YOU. Anyway. The entire point of Anastasia is so that you don’t know what music your sturgeon. Fuck right off. Was playing. While you were under. You’re not supposed to wake up from Anastasia and immediately realize you managed to get earwormed by Motörhead’s “Ace of Spades” during your sugary.

btw it's so fucking stupid you can be anxious physically in your body even after you've decided mentally you don't care. I'm supposed to be in charge here

any time i hear the insufferable transphobic athlete arguments i think of that one time in middle school when my boys lacrosse team did a full-contact scrimmage against the girls team (who typically play with limited contact) and i, a six-foot, 180lb defender, got utterly laid-out by this 5-foot-nothing girl experiencing the newly-unleashed animosity accompanied by violent sport and as i looked up at my assailant from flat on my back i experienced a brief bout of heterosexuality and fell wildly in love and then had to be taken to the ER because i had a concussion

Normal groceries like milk or bread or whatever running out is whatever. Just anotha day. But when stuff like salt or cooking oil or rice runs out it feels like You’re supposed to be here for me and you’re leaving. You’re just like everyone else

This is the closest thing to a smile I've ever seen this man do for media

made me laugh thinking abt if you do porn your boss could walk by and be like “fuckin hard or hardly fuckin?” and that might be pretty funny. well im alone there now. in our “special place”. waiting for you.

it's called a museum because me 'n' u see 'em

Times are hard at the cafe so they only got Something bagels

I MISS THE HEADPHONE JACK FUCK YOU!!!!!!

the phrase really should be "eat your cake and have it too" im with the unabomber on this one

job interviewer: would you be willing to destroy and betray yourself for nothing?