I despise how weak my nerves have become, as now my head is buzzing with tension and my blood rushing with the drive to slam my fist into a wall. I am well capable of suppressing such violent urges, but it would be overall healthier if I could simply remove myself from an environment that gives rise to such tension and violence. I am certain that being around my parents is detrimental to my health in the long term, not only because I am constantly walking on eggshells with their polticially-correct way of thinking, but also because I know I should be on my own starting a family out somewhere in the countryside. However, I lacked the social capital and practical means to do that, and as an isolate, I am struggling to scrape together what I can in terms of maintaining productivity and pursuing meaningfulness through study, writing, and audio production. I am increasingly inclined to seclude myself to my room, as these projects require focus free from outside distraction, and every interaction I have with, well, basically anyone, is regularly a negative, and often a hostile experience. Now, in no way am I disinclined to helping with chores or any tasks that my parents demand of me while I am living here. I put my own work on hold to help dig a hole for planting a tree, and then went along as my father and I traveled to a few different nurseries looking for a particular type. Unfortunately, it being out of season for the species we sought, we did not bring back a sapling with us. Chores, even fruitless ones, do not cause me bother. What does is a spitfire attitude of disgust and shame cast my way, which is tantamount to kicking someone while they are down. However, my parents are ignorant of what I am going through, and they have expressed extreme hostility to my explanation of the softest points of the issues that press upon my mental, and my social state of affairs. Simply, they don’t care to understand, but they enjoy blaming without understanding. Especially if they make bad decisions. While driving back from our excursion today, I was exceptionally tired. I have a problem with getting quality sleep do to frequently waking up at night, so I often return to sleep during the day. He does something in the attic and then starts yelling out curses when something gets fucked up. I ask what’s the matter, and he immediately slings shit my way “You’re always asleep or coilstered in your room, I can’t do everything by myself” So I say, “I didn’t know what you were doing. You can always knock on my door to wake me up.” “But I don’t want to do that because you get angry if I wake you up.” “Name one time I’ve been angry from being woken up with a task to do.” He couldn’t so he ignores the question because he can’t name a single instance to justify his paranoia. Instead, he makes some other bullshit comment about how I’m a good-for-nothing who accomplishes nothing, but I only half listen to these pseudo-lectures given in such a harsh tone. I have no power to change this situation, and no sway over my father’s ill-minded perspective. If he stopped to think for two seconds he would realize why it makes sense for me to avoid his company when at all possible. He foolishly embraces his toxic, hostile attitude as if being angry is a defining characteristic of virtue. Exposure to such anger has a toxic effect on my own emotional state, which is unfortunately limited in its context to largely being of this home environment. It is in my best interests to establish myself elsewhere, if at all possible, and so I am pouring even more effort than before into finding a job so that I can get out and about. Before moving away from this topic, I should like to elucidate on why my sleep is so poor. In brief, I wake up with nightmares, and I have been in an increasingly deteriorating state for years on end. I would venture the cause is the constant vague hostilities that I have been subjected to since I was a child and the absence of anyone I could trust and be open with. It’s virtually impossible to heal from strain if you can’t let your guard down. It overtaxes your brain and body alike, weakening you, robbing you of who you are and turning you into a spiritually emaciated husk. I’m only able to remain so well put-together mentally because I am able to afford better sleep. Well, I’m sure physical exercise and proper mental engagement are contributing to keeping me from falling apart too. I am actually counting on my parents apathy towards understanding my situation, hoping they do not read this. To be honest, I don’t feel safe in the same house as my parents. It’s not that they’re a physical threat, but they are clearly of psychological detriment, largely due to their problems in managing their own stress problems, and having poor communication. As for me, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere at all. That’s why my best bet is packing it all up and trying to start a new life somewhere else abroad. God, I feel like such a damn fool for chasing after Japan, lacking any guidance or support from anyone. It was such a stupid effort to dedicate myself to something that ultimately was little more than a flight of fancy. If only I was aware of in-group preference and the importance of being around people that share your culture and your heritage, I would have organized my whole life differently. But no one told my about these important things… and the continued ignorance of the importance of ancestry and closeness in one’s community makes it nigh impossible to frame any meaningful discussion about society in the West. No doubt, that mental strain is taking its toll on me as well, having to suppress my voice for only being shouted down by shrill tantrums whenever I bring up an uncomfortable point of reason. It’s not just a matter of a lack of education, it’s a matter of systematic emotional manipulation that they’ve been subjected to through media, and they simply don’t care to dig into historical reality. But I’m falling off the reservation in terms of abstractions. I only hope that someone who has experienced a similar ordeal can glean a spark of empathy from reading these words sometime in the future.
