Gays in a Blanket

I didn't realize it until recently, but I've always seen love as something requiring sacrifice, selflessness, patience, and generosity- to ask for nothing is to be the best person I can be, small and quiet and never in the way, always happy and helpful, self-sufficient and present when desired.

It's only as an adult, now, that I'm beginning to see the selfishness of wanting nothing.

I cut my friend's hair in my kitchen the other day. They wanted a trim and I had the skills, so I offered, and was genuinely excited when they stopped hesitating over "bothering me" and took me up on it. It was a peaceful afternoon, and we had tea and chatted for an hour or more.

My brother and I shared popcorn at the movies a while ago. When I came time to pay, I pulled my card out like a wild western sheriff and slapped it on the machine before he could fight me for it first. The satisfaction was delightful.

Someone called me crying on the phone the other day. Kept apologizing for disturbing me at work, talking about how they were bothering me on my lunch break. I was telling the truth when I told them that really, I was flattered and honored and relieved, knowing that if they were hurting I would know, that I didn't have to worry in silence. It felt good to hear them slowly come down, and to know that they knew it would be better soon, and to hear them laugh wetly on the other end. We're getting together for a visit next week.

It's hard to need things, if you've trained yourself not to. It's hard to want things, when you don't know how to want anymore. Trusting people is difficult, and so is relying on them, but I don't know where I'd be without the people who rely on me.

I've heard a lot of people say, "Nobody will love you unless you love yourself". I've had a lot of thoughts about it. It's not right, but it's not wrong, either, I think.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... I've always taken that to mean, "You will not be lovable until you develop a positive view of yourself as a person".

Now, I think it's sort of inside-out.

"Nobody will love you unless you love yourself"... because nobody can show their love to you in a way that you can accept until you treat yourself kindly, and learn what you need, and what you want, and how to ask for it, and then give that vulnerability away.

Love, for me, is someone I ask for a ride to the airport. Whether they end up doing this or not is irrelevant.

i have a file or folder on my pc that i want to share with other people. let's call it gayshit.mp3

unfortunately gayshit.mp3 is 750mb and im not paying for discord nitro so i need another way to send it

i put it into qbittorrent and it makes a torrent file. this is essentially a very small file that points to gayshit.mp3 so other computers can find it. kinda like a treasure map

i send this tiny file to my friend, who loads it into qbittorrent. their computer takes a moment to find mine over the vast expanse of cyberspace and then (as long as my pc is running and the file is still where it should be), it gets copied from my hard drive to theirs

this is the cool part: if somebody else loads that tiny file, they can download it from both of us. if i'm offline but my friend is on, the third person can still get it. this also means that if two people have separate halves of the file, they can download the other half from each other. as long as some combination of people have the pieces between them, they can all have the whole thing.

crucially this does not require a server!!! you can just upload the file to a few people and as long as they keep it, it's still accessible. as long as somebody, somewhere is still connected, it's available forever. the only way it goes away is if everybody disconnects from it.

Me, hanging on by a thread:

there is no conclusive evidence that the feminizing effects of injectable E are preferable to those of oral E, but injectable is safer long-term (years-long), so eventually switch to injectable. its cheaper also.

use a good anti-androgen. spiro will make you piss and pissed, because it sucks. take bica 50mg or cypro 12.5mg. misc notes on anti-androgens:

if you've already been on E for over a year and your E is above 250pg/mL and your T is below 50ng/dL, you won't really benefit from an anti-androgen. If you're earlier in your transition than that, or if your levels aren't looking like that, you can either increase your estrogen intake (try not too exceed a blood estrogen level of 700pg/mL, or take an anti-androgen. there is no conclusive clinical evidence to say that monotherapy is better or worse than E + AA, it's kinda just personal preference.

there are two things to be wary of with bicalutamide; first, it's hell for your liver. if you like to drink, don't take it. if you take it, get liver enzymes taken when you get blood labs pulled. second, bica does not stop T production, only reception, so it should only really be taken if you plan on getting an orchiectomy (thus removing the testes). If you plan on keeping your testes, use cypro.

if you take cypro, get a vitamin b12 (or general b) supplement. cypro eats away at b12 reserves which can sometimes cause depression and other mental health symptoms.

take your prog. take 200mg. if youre putting it in your mouth, take more until youre emotional but stable. if youre putting it in your butt - PUTT IT IN YOUR BUTT - take more, but less than you would if it were in your mouth.

work out. work your ass, your thighs, your abs. get sweaty. the more growth hormones you can get through your body, the more effectively your estrogen will feminize you (this includes your tits).

eat more. eat at least 25% more than your maintenance. eat lots of protein, but also lots of fat. your ass and tits will thank you very jiggly.

“Oh, he’s chewing it, it’ll be smaller.”

“He can’t possibly-”