Can we talk about Wandersail and the effect it had on Kaladin?
Kaladin had been telling himself that heās off the hook for responsibility because the Universe is against him anyway, that thatās preventing him from succeeding, andĀ always willĀ - therefore it doesnāt matter whether he faces what he is. Heās bound for failure anyway, because heās cursed; it isnāt his fault if/when he fails. Heās incapable of success because of who he is, because of some mystical error that makes him a target. Whatever the reason, he canāt do it, canāt make his life go well, canāt save and protect everyone. Every loss in Bridge Four makes him feel like he has failed (because itās how he tries to redeem himself for his brotherās death, over and over againā¦.all or nothing. Either he saves everyone in an impossibly dangerous situation, or heās a complete failure.).
His coping mechanism for the guilt and pain is to become disengaged, apathetic - numb. It keeps him from taking on more pain. Up to this point heās been certain that life isĀ fullĀ of pain, nearly exclusively, and his job is to protect himself from feeling too deeply, especially the pain of failure. Against the growing evidence that he might be asked to take on even more risk and responsibility, to feel any more loss or fail at something larger than what heās done yet, heās denied that anything Teft has said about the Knights Radiant might have some significance for him.
One of Kaladinās errors is believing that doing objectively good things is the equivalent of feeding your soul. It isnāt, especially if thereās something youāre avoiding, something more important you need to be doing, like having that difficult conversation with your child/parent/friend or seeking the answer to that personal question thatās been troubling you. If there'sĀ something being neglected, and if you just think as far as, ābut I shouldnāt have to do that hard thing become Iām already doing these other hard thingsā, then thatās like Kaladin thinking that doing all he was doing should nullify the thing he doesnāt want to have to do. Itās avoidance; it isnāt ābeing responsible.ā Heās tricking himself.
Not that it isnāt understandable, though. Heās afraid of the pain of loss, and heās terrified that experiencing loss means he failed. Giving up the apathy means heās making himself vulnerable to more potential loss and failure - heās engaging with life rather than avoiding it. And that might mean more pain.
Recognizing that keeping yourself from living is actuallyĀ notĀ the solution is difficult. But itās a false protection - youāre keeping away all the joy and accomplishment. Youāre doing all-or-nothing, and opting for the ānothing.ā Itās a higher cost than embracing life and facing difficulty.
The difference between me and Kaladin is that after his conversation with Wit, and after he thinks about his excuses and what they really mean, he immediately runs to Teft and asks him, āWhat do you know? And how do you know it?ā - and I still havenāt ever sent a single query letter to a publisher.
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