Starts with "F"

Chimps are much admired for their tool use and for their problem-solving relationship with things as they find them...the orang is, let us say, not so replete with enterprise. Give an orangutan the hexagonal peg and the several shapes of hole, and then hide behind the two-way mirror and watch how he engages with the problem.

And watch and watch and watch--because he does not engage with the problem. He uses the peg to scratch his back, has a look-see at his right wrist, makes a half-hearted and soon abandoned attempt to use his fur as a macramé project, stares dreamily out the window if there is one and at nothing in particular if not, and the sun begins to set. (The sun will also set if you are observing a chimp, but the chimp is more amusing, so you are less likely to mark the moment in your notes. An orang observer has plenty of time to be a student of the vanities of sunset.)

You watch, and the orang dreams...when casually and as if thinking of something else, the orang slips the hexagonal peg into the hexagonal hole. And continues staring off dreamily."

1) Figured this out.

Cherries in Red Colander - Ives de Roo , 2015.

Dutch , b. 1954 -

Castiel Novak's a renowned actor currently trending for the low-budget B-movie that gained him recognition. Not due to his performance, mind you, but the popularity of a younger adult creator using his fictional character's name. Against Castiel's better judgement (and that of his publicist) he replies to a post asking if said fictional character gets pegged with, "In this scenario are you referring to my role of Angel, or @/stevereedx? This would affect my answer."

In Dean's defense, he never thought he'd grow much of an audience. One of his favorite movies is a campy police pursuit film with a runaway bride and sly, cowboyish protagonist—think Smokey and the Bandit. It was actually a pretty big hit when it came out; he saw it in theaters in high school and subsequently many of his puberty-induced fantasies. So years later when he's designing his online persona, he thinks of Castiel's character Steve "Angel" Reed, one of his first big celebrity crushes. And Steve Reed sounds perfect for his country boy image, living in Middle of Nowhere (Lebanon), Kansas and having guys fuck him on the wraparound porch or in the back of their trucks.

Dean didn't think far enough ahead about copyright or the possibility of Castiel ever learning about him, and those are quickly becoming his biggest issues. The parent company for the movie isn't pleased to have his Wikifeet page pop up in a search before the character Steve Reed—which, fair, but Dean had no part in that—and Castiel's just tagged him in a Bluesky post. What the fuck is his life.

(bonus pic)

I see Castiel here as someone who uses social media in small spurts. He isn't that interested in it and refuses to have a social media manager ghostwriting. When he is on, he posts whatever he wants. A praise to a local coffee shop he found that kept him fueled while filming a condensed indie project. Random questions better suited for an internet search that he instead asks his followers, like "My car shakes when I'm stopped. Video attached. How much of an issue is this?"

Castiel's co-star Meg, whom he dated after the film and is now amicable with, sent him the post. He reads it while out to dinner with his publicist Hannah and two of their friends. Castiel shows it to her for a laugh and she just shakes her head. A few minutes later he's typed out his response and turns his phone again, and it's a "Castiel no" "Castiel yes" exchange before he posts it.

It takes an hour for it to gain slow traction, but then it's exploding. Side-by-side photos of Castiel and Dean for comparison's sake (promo images and film stills of Cas in blue jeans and a red work shirt, sleeves rolled up on thick hairy forearms. Portraits of Dean, white shirt left open to show his soft abs and shaved belly). Arguments over which of the two would bottom with added photos of Castiel from his first role at 23, thinner and clean-shaven like Dean. Mostly sexual or suggestive comments, fan arguments, and lazily written online articles.

Dean started as a gay model at 22, having moved to California when his younger brother went to Stanford. He signed his first film contract with the same studio when he was 23, and began adult content creation at the same time. He'd thought it would be a side gig while he tended bar but it took up more time than he thought. He made enough money to pay rent and live off of, but it was far from cushy (especially not wanting to escort). He thus started filming more, earning $500-750 for each project. He spent his time on set, working out, seeing Sammy, and hanging out with studio guys, steadily building a devoted audience. By the time he was 27 he had enough revenue from content creation to let his studio contract lapse. He moved to a family property in Lebanon, Kansas because it was dirt cheap and started independently collaborating with other creators.

Dean invited 90's porn legend Roy Van Helsing (Benny) to his house for a three day hang and shoot. They've been friends for years but never filmed together. They're both posting a fair bit, and within their communities they're booming, but only really across gay porn. Then somehow a shitpost makes it back to Castiel, and Castiel fucking tags him in a reply.

The popularity explodes Dean's subscriptions and tips. Dean initially feeds the frenzy with some backlogged personal content he had on hand, then works on some more. The studios he filmed with were pushing his stuff too, and while he didn't earn a cent from them it drew more people to his site. By the third week he's getting a bit tired of it, all of the social media interaction and feeling pressure to be active. Until then the most he's made in a year was $14k, and this month he'd already gotten $7k. He decides to stop replying and queues posts for the upcoming week.

Throughout the little internet meltdown Castiel and Dean have been texting. It began with an apology from Castiel, a DM saying he thought it was an obvious joke and didn't intend for it to garner much attention. Castiel's never commented about a relationship in his career, making a point to be private about his life. The media frenzy after his and Meg's relationship leaked was horrible for him, as they were hounded and he felt personally betrayed and violated. They remained together for three years, but ultimately stress from the incessant stalking and harassment contributed to their breakup. Nearly a decade later, the mere acknowledgement of another guy was enough to start back up the old rumor mill.

Dean messaged back saying not to worry. And it's kind of nuts having one of his celebrity crushes in his DMs—albeit under kind of embarrassing circumstances, but he can't help himself. He sends another message quickly after, saying how much he liked the movie and Castiel's character. He figures that it's the only time he'll get the chance to really chat: that they'll both ignore the public attention, maybe Dean will post something like "yeah it was a funny reply but it was clearly a joke, thanks for liking my porn though", they'll move on. But Castiel replies and it doesn't just feel like he's humoring a pathetic fan (even if that's how Dean sees himself). Castiel says he hasn't seen the full movie before but it's flattering that it meant so much to Dean. They keep chatting about movies, because Dean loves them and Castiel's absurdly unaware.

The conversation doesn't die out the next day, another surprise to Dean. Castiel has a free evening so he decides to watch his old movie, messaging Dean during parts of it. Dean excitedly adds his commentary and Castiel shares tidbits from filming.

Dean and Castiel become friends while Dean soft retires from entertainment. Dean tries to switch to a cooking account, sharing his favorite tricks and mainly focusing on making cheap, filling meals. Job options are just about limited to remote work in Lebanon and he hopes his pivot is livable. He doesn't quite have to start his fanbase from scratch; a very small number of his audience follows, but the lingering social media attention helps garner outside viewers. Reading some of the grateful comments means a lot. Dean gets to be a little more himself, an unexpectedly positive thing. He's used to his public image being a character far removed from who he is. Now he just narrates his cooking and wears whatever he wants. Still keeps busy at the gym but feels like he's working out for his health and enjoyment rather than to maintain an exceedingly difficult litheness at 27. He doesn't have to spend half an hour shaving his face, chest, balls, and ass. It's still work, but it's lighter.

Maybe on a trip back to Cali to visit Sam, Castiel asks to meet up. Maybe next time it's Castiel coming to Dean's property in Lebanon. Maybe they film a collaboration cooking episode Dean doesn't end up posting, because Castiel's "innocent" crowding of Dean's space makes the "kiss the cook" print on Castiel's apron come true.

One of the things I remember the most clearly is the oldest person in the group. Her name was Steelsong. She was a 40-something Dom with a sub whose name we knew even though we knew nothing else. She ran her own fanfic archive because the web was still handmade HTML and navigated in webrings and I’m pretty sure Google didn’t exist or was only barely, barely launched and not well known. She was kind and patient and we loved her. She treated everyone on the group with the respect given any adult, even though most of the rest of the world was still treating us like we were children. Not teenagers even, but children. She never once condescended to any of us, never made our youth a barrier to her respect, never treated us like we were incapable of being full people or like we were less than her because we were young.

I remember that she hosted our fanfiction, as absolutely terrible as it was (and I still have some of it, I am WELL aware of how cringingly terrible it is, just absolute nonsense garbage), right there alongside of other fic that was soul-achingly beautiful. Not a separate section for her friends or for kids, just right there like we were good enough to feature alongside other authors. I never once received crit from her that I didn’t ask for, only support. Only love. I am still writing today partly because Steel was so kind about our fic, fanfic and original.

I remember that when I started doing clay sculpture, she commissioned a tiny pair of dragons from me, to support me doing artwork. She sent a check my mom cashed for me, and my mom helped me mail it when it was finished. It broke in transit, and Steel assured me that she mended it and that it was still beautiful. It was a small gold dragon curled up with a small silver dragon.

I remember that her patience knew no bounds. I remember that she was there for us, regardless of reason. When we wanted to know silly things like what to do with a single AA battery, she answered. When we had serious questions about sex, she answered.  When we had questions about writing, she taught us. When one of our group members, a young gay teen in Australia, ended up in the hospital and then stopped making posts, and we all knew what had happened, she let us talk to her about it because we couldn’t go to our own parents, even though we had just lost a friend.

She was not a replacement to my parents, but she was an extra parent, in some ways. A friend, certainly, but someone that had been through more life than we had and was willing to pass on knowledge if we asked for it. Someone older that we trusted with things that were too uncomfortable to go to our parents or teachers or whatever about, because we already knew she wasn’t going to judge us or something, and that we would get an honest answer.

I don’t know why I’m remembering this so hard tonight, and I’m not sure if there’s a point to sharing this, except that I know she’s gone now. She was ill the last time we spoke, and her site went down a long time ago, and I miss her. She was a huge influence on my life, then and now. She was hope, for me, that life as an adult didn’t have to be boring, it wouldn’t have to mean giving up the things I loved and Becoming Only Responsible With No Fun. Her presence meant I had hope I could still write and play with friends even when I wasn’t ‘a kid’ anymore. And she’s gone, and I miss her, and I wanted to share her from the perspective of youth, and the perspective over twenty years later has provided me.

And I think of her, when people go off about older folks being in fandom with younger folks. I’m an older folks now, or at least middle aged folks because there are certainly folks older than me still, but I wasn’t always. I’ve been here since i was a younger folks, and I know how much Steel’s presence and support meant to me, how much she helped not just me but everyone on that group. And I think of the people saying older folks don’t belong in fandom, and that they shouldn’t interact with younger folks at all, and I just think… I can’t agree. I needed that kind of solid presence in my life back then and even at the age I am now, I need the folks older than me to stay. I want them here.