“is there anything so undoing as a daughter” @quillquiver - Tumblr Blog | Tumlook
“is there anything so undoing as a daughter”
@quillquiver
multi-fandom but mostly audio fiction (tma, midnight burger, tpp, amelia project, tsv), arcane, whatever else strikes my fancy. header by @arcanegifs. I follow as casthewise.
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funny thing about anxiety is sometimes it kind of breaks your sense of danger. like i am known for repeatedly putting myself in situations that make my friends go "bro you couldve died. werent you scared?" and the answer is 👍 yjeah. i did it scared. i do everything scared. i didnt know that was the actual important kind of scary because i usually have to ignore my fears to function in society. it will happen again. watch out.
@yearnalisms requested to bring this beautiful text post by @honeyybrii to gif form! all inspo credit to op of the text post! 💜 this tag is especially a good sum up of the set:
#it's genuinely so funny everytime ilya tries to teeheehaha around an insecurity #shane is like actually 🤓👆🏻
The midjourney stuff just reminds of when we were trying to find a new platform to host the ao3 donation form, and companies kept trying to tell me about all their "ai" features that would track donor engagement, and figure out the optimal pattern to email individual donors asking for follow up donations, and all the ways they suggest we manipulate people into staying on our websites. It was a great way to filter out who either wasn't listening to us when we described our ethics and donor base, or just didn't believe us.
Now granted ao3 is a unique case based on a) the amount of page views we get in any given time period and b) the fact that most donors absolutely do Not want to be identified as such anywhere, (the default "list of recent donors" module got nuked Immediately) but it surprised me some that the concept of "donors who value their privacy and would be furious at even the whiff of AI" is unique. Some of us really are just existing in different worlds.
#I just started dropping '2.5 Billion page views a month'#into conversations as early as possible bc they would Not believe me otherwise#it was right up there with having to say 'csam attacks' to get them to take my compartmentalization of information concerns seriously#turns out those are the magic words#otw#op
The last part was kind of insane, honestly. When we started changing platforms for the donor database, I kept telling them that yes I was aware we already had an account for the volunteer database, and no that could not be connected to the donor database. And they said yes fine sure and then connected them anyway. And I called them back and said, excuse me, I'm confused, I can see both databases. And they said, well, yeah, but it's only you, someone has to be able to see both databases to give other users access. The other users can't see both. And I said, no, we have been asking for a completely separate database. I should not be able to see both. And they said, you are one organization, one organization can't have two databases. And I said, last year someone used our volunteer email list to commit approximately one thousand felonies. Please feel free to imagine how much worse it could have been had they had a way to use volunteers' email addresses to get their legal names. We do not want this to be something anyone can do no matter how much we trust them. Let me describe those felonies to you in more detail. And they emailed me two hours later and said, you can have two separate databases.
also CACKLING about the way this looks on the outside.
like. no one else on the team understands Hollander Illness Behavior yet, so they're teasing ilya about being overprotective because shane is SO underplaying it and meanwhile ilya is just, "no, i am so fucking serious. get a medic and then call an ambulance."
and shane who is barely on this realm of existence and about 0.2 seconds from having Involuntary Floor Time is just, "don't worry :) i'll just take an advil or something :)"
WHICH IS NOT HELPING EVERYONE ELSE UNDERSTAND THE MOTHERFUCKING GRAVITY OF THE SITUATION, SHANE, NO MORE CONTRIBUTIONS AT THIS TIME FROM YOU, THANK YOU
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Honestly? What if we had more of hollanov lounging between the other’s legs and getting lazily jerked off? Underrated comfortable sexy position to give and receive pleasure. They’re in comfortable stay at home clothes all disheveled, they’ve got sport on the TV and dinner in the oven, and they’re wasting the good lube just cuddling the other to them and jerking them off slow. When it’s Ilya he’s nuzzling in his husband’s armpit while he watches his cock in Shane’s big hands. When it’s Shane he’s reaching back to pull Ilya’s hair in time with Ilya jerking him. They got a workout in but otherwise they have no where to be, and their phones are on silent. They can do whatever they want whenever they want because they’re together all the time now, and today they want to take their time getting each other off, whispering dirty nothings to each other and taking breaks to watch TV when they want to draw it out, and just feel close. What if we had more of that?
once shane gets over his shock they briefly talk logistics. when exactly ilya intends to go to the cottage. how long he'd like to stay. shane distractedly assures ilya he'll come up with an excuse for his parents as to why he suddenly won't be able to see them for an extended period of time. ilya feels slightly bad about it, but not too much. the hollanders have spent a lifetime with shane. ilya's only just found the conviction to ask for two weeks.
"okay," shane says, after their plan has taken crude shape. the details will come later, after they put their phones down. "okay," he repeats, firmer. then soft again, "I'll see you soon."
ilya feels his strings get cut. he leans against a wall. "see you soon, shane."
svetlana is back in the living room when ilya returns. she whips around on the couch, phone in hand, says, "what the fuck did scott hunter do when I left the room? for five minutes?"
it's a rhetorical question. the tv broadcast has—for now—moved onto highlights of the actual game, but she has her social media open on her phone. ilya makes a vague, loose gesture with his shoulder. "kissed his pretty boyfriend on the ice."
she swears quietly, engrossed again in her feed. "unbelievable. it's your fault I missed it, ilya. your niece's gift is in your suitcase," she adds distractedly. it is. the whale plushie sitting atop the stack of kids' novels sitting atop his serviceably folded clothes. not as neat as hollander's always are. ilya runs his thumb over the edge of his phone case.
"svetlana."
"mm."
"I will not be going to russia."
she breaks from her phone. frowns at him. "what do you mean?"
"I have to be somewhere else."
"where?"
"ottawa."
blinking green eyes. svetlana knows him better than anyone on this planet. he sees her gears turning. there is nothing on the surface of his life that would take him to a place like ottawa, nothing even on the deeper layers svetlana has almost exclusive access to. but there are few things about him that she is completely unaware of. what he has refused to lay bare for her she's deduced the shape of anyway, purely from the nature of his refusals. he sees her eyes flick to the tv. an ad for beer is playing. that's not what she's thinking of.
"is it for a person."
she says more than asks it. either way ilya responds, "yes."
"jane."
"yes."
she lifts her chin, slowly. "montreal jane who is from ottawa." they look at each other, ilya doesn't speak. eventually she shakes her head. "shane hollander, ilya? really?"
ilya sits. she laughs, incredulous, but also triumphant. she'll be annoyed at him later for abandoning her to his family on a moment's notice, but for now there is shane. and hunter. and hunter's surprise boyfriend. and shane. and shane. and shane.
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The key to writing good fanfiction is to harbor a deeply humiliating desire, and the trick there is that even pretty basic and societally-accepted desires like “being held” and “being wanted” CAN and WILL be humiliating if they’re intense enough. Become so estranged from human connection that the idea of someone playing with your hair fills you with yearning so deep you feel like you’re going to throw up and you will write some banger fanfiction. It might have some other consequences too but idrk about that.
first post for context / see the tag 'open relationship au' for more snippets or the masterlist so kindly put together by @tafkarfanfic. some of you may remember that i said i didn't plan on including rose in this au. well, plans change :)
July 2015
Shane is really trying to do this second chance thing right.
Brian has been over to his place nearly every day, whenever Shane doesn't have other obligations. They've been doing all the usual dating activities they can at home - cooking and eating dinner together, watching movies, having sex - and Brian has been so sweet, so attentive throughout and it's all just. Fine.
It's fine.
It's just that every time Brian is over, Shane is kind of waiting for the other shoe to drop. For the sweetness to sour, for the small, sniping comments to come back. And he feels guilty, expecting the worst when Brian is clearly trying so hard to do better, but it eats at him all the same.
There's also his last message from Ilya.
Are you okay?, sent two days after Vegas.
Unanswered, but read about a hundred times. Shane opens the thread compulsively multiple times a day, considers writing a response, and then closes it.
He's got nothing to say that Ilya would want to hear. And he should be focusing on Brian anyway, on their second chance. Shane needs to give it a proper try and for that to happen, he can't keep thinking about Ilya. He should probably block his number. He would, if it didn't feel physically impossible.
But it's fine. Shane is miserable, but it's fine. It's only been nine days; maybe things will be different next week. His feelings magically changed. He just needs to give it time.
On the evening of the tenth day, JJ calls.
"You haven't been reading the group chat, Hollander!"
"Not really," Shane admits. He hasn't been in much of a celebratory mood since Vegas, and the group chat is exclusively invitations to parties and clubs right now.
"But you are in Montreal, non?"
"Yeah?"
"Then get your ass down to Soleil right now! Fucking everyone is here, and I don't just mean the team. Models, singers, fucking movie stars, and everybody wants a piece of us!"
Brian is coming over in an hour.
"Okay," Shane says. "Sure, I'm there."
But he'll understand, right? It's a team function, Shane's expected to be there. It would be weird if he didn't go.
Soleil is a massive, three-story club, its tall windows tinted and the entrance corded off with velvet ropes. A well-dressed bouncer pulls one aside as soon as he sees Shane, ushering him inside with a nod and a "Good evening, Captain."
The theatricality of it all is kind of ridiculous, but Shane can see why it would appeal to the guys.
Shane passes by the dance floor quickly, noticing a few of his teammates in the crowd. There are a lot of very pretty people around, some of whom Shane recognizes and a few he can even place.
JJ is standing by the bar and he pulls Shane into a crushing hug when he sees him.
"Fucking finally," he says, ruffling Shane's hair. Shane laughs and shoves him off. "Vegas must have worn you out, huh?"
Shane shrugs and doesn't answer.
"Everyone has been waiting for you, mon capitaine. You know who came up to me ten minutes ago just to ask if you'd be here?" JJ leans in, hand on Shane's shoulder. "Rose fucking Landry!"
Rose Landry is an actual A-list movie star. Shane's seen three of her films on flights this year. It's rumored that she may be cast in the next X-Squad movie.
And she asked to see him?
"I will take you to her," JJ says, grinning. "You hit it off with her, I hit it off with her friend Vanessa Long, we all leave this club happy."
It's not the first time JJ's tried to wingman for him - Shane doesn't give him a lot of opportunities but he grabs the ones he gets - but for once Shane doesn't mind. Not if it means he gets to meet Rose Landry.
"Hell yeah, lead the way."
When JJ said Rose Landry wanted to meet him, Shane sort of figured it was to congratulate him on the cup and maybe ask for a nice photo op for social media.
But no, she asks Shane to sit in her booth and talk, and she seems genuinely thrilled when he agrees. Her friend Vanessa and JJ join in the conversation for all of five minutes before JJ whisks her off to the dance floor, and then it's just Rose and Shane.
Shane's expecting it to be awkward but somehow, it's not. They talk for over an hour and when Rose gets sick of people coming up to them in the crowded club, they move to one of the private lounges upstairs and keep talking there.
Rose is easy to get along with, personable and warm in a way that can't be faked. She tells him about her childhood and her family, and asks all the right questions in return. It's the most carefree, fun conversation Shane has had in a while.
It kind of makes him wish he was into women, which is a thought Shane doesn't entertain too often. It feels like a betrayal of what he has with Brian.
But it does make him wonder - does Rose think he's flirting with her?
He gets his answer about two minutes later when she reaches across the table, taking his hand in hers and giving him a shy smile that would surely melt any straight guy's heart.
Shane pulls back gently. "Um. I'm sorry, I'm not -"
"Oh." Rose straightens. "No problem, obviously. Do you have a girlfriend?"
"Uh."
"Or a boyfriend," Rose adds. "I won't judge."
It's an obvious joke - haha, the gay star athlete, imagine that - but Shane can't react quickly enough to laugh it off. He freezes instead, stomach twisting tightly.
"Oh," Rose says again, voice soft and eyes wide. "That's - that's really not a problem."
Shit. This is so bad.
"Please don't tell anyone," Shane begs quietly.
"I won't," Rose promises. "I know what that kind of secret getting out could do to a person, believe me."
She's a stranger. Shane has no reason to trust her, so he doesn't know why her reassurances work so well to calm his racing heart.
"I really didn't - I'm so sorry, that was insensitive of me to joke about. I didn't mean to corner you."
"You didn't, you just surprised me." Shane manages a stiff smile, cheeks burning hot with embarrassment. "People don't normally consider I might be, um."
For fuck's sake, he can't even say it out loud.
Rose nods in understanding. "I get it. I kind of got the impression your friend was trying to set us up. I'm guessing he doesn't know?"
"Almost no one does," Shane admits. "Just two, uh, two people. But I've slept with them both, so. Not sure that completely counts."
"Sounds lonely."
"I guess." Shane shrugs. "I'm used to it."
Rose hums. "So, do you have a boyfriend?"
She's only the second person to ever ask him that. She sounds pleasantly curious, and Shane really wishes he could enjoy it. Sharing this piece of himself with someone who doesn't seem to want anything other than to know him a little bit better.
But the question lands uncomfortably instead. Yes, Shane thinks and, I'm only here, talking to you, because I didn't want to see him tonight.
"Oh," Rose says after the silence stretches on for too long. She leans in, looking interested. "Is it complicated?"
Shane grimaces. "Um. No, not really. Or kind of?"
"Well, it doesn't sound simple."
"I have a boyfriend," Shane says. Whispers, almost, even though they're alone in the room and the door is closed. "It's just... things have been weird lately."
"You could tell me about it, if you want?" Rose suggests. "I've been told I'm a pretty good listener and it doesn't sound like you've got many people to talk to."
Something in Shane aches at that. He does want to tell her - tell someone - about Brian and Ilya and the whole mess Shane has made of everything. How many times in the past year (past decade, really) has he wished for someone to talk to?
"You really can't tell anyone."
Rose mimes zipping her lips shut. "Your secrets are safe with me."
It's actually crazy that Shane is even considering this but it's so tempting, to let someone in.
"I, uh, I started seeing this guy when I was sixteen."
He keeps going, laying it all out. Every messy detail, even the things that have him burning with shame speaking them out loud. It's like once he's started he can't stop, like he's purging himself of every secret shoved down deep in his chest the past eight years, and it's ugly and painful but it also feels like a fucking mountain lifting off his shoulders.
Rose stays quiet while he speaks, nodding along. When Shane tells her about his first time with Ilya (without saying his name, because that secret isn't his to share) she gasps and he has to look away, already feeling scraped raw without having to see her reactions.
Deafening silence settles between them once Shane is finished speaking. He finally dares to look back up and Rose is staring contemplatively into her drink.
She lifts it, taking a delicate sip, and then says, "Okay. I'm gonna tell you something you might not like, but I think you need to hear it."
Oh, God. She's gonna tell him to block Ilya, isn't she?
"Brian is an asshole."
Shane blinks. "Oh. Um, isn't that a little harsh?"
"It's not," Rose says adamantly. "It's actually nowhere near harsh enough but I don't think you're ready for the full rant yet."
"You haven't even met him," Shane protests. He ignores how automatic and rote the defense sounds even to his own ears. "Maybe what I told you didn't make him sound great, but there's more to him."
"Did you lie about any of it?"
"No," Shane says, because what would be the point?
"Okay." Rose nods. "You're right, I haven't met him. I'm sure he can seem genuinely sweet and loving at times."
"He is."
"But let's lay out the facts." Rose holds up a finger. "Number one, he corners you drunk and alone at a party when you're sixteen and he is a fully grown adult."
"I wasn't that drunk-"
"Number two, even after you tell him your age he still wants to keep seeing you." She tilts her head, giving him a wry smile. "Let me guess, he told you that you were mature for your age?"
Shane's stomach tightens. He feels vaguely sick and Rose moves on without waiting for confirmation.
"Number three, he doesn't respect your chosen field of work and in the five years you've been playing professionally he's only bothered showing up for two games."
"He showed up to my last game," Shane says, because it's true. Maybe Brian hasn't always made an effort but he's doing it now. That has to count for something, right?
"After he realized you might be interested in another guy," Rose points out. "Which brings me to number four, he pressures you into opening the relationship and you agree to it because you're afraid he might dump you otherwise."
She grimaces and adds, "And I'm sorry but in my experience, 'I want to open the relationship' usually means they've found someone else they want to fuck or they're already doing it."
Shane's heart sinks. He feels numb all over, like he's standing outside of his body.
Already doing it. The thought never crossed his mind. Maybe it should have.
"Number five," Rose continues. Merciless or merciful, Shane hasn't decided, because he doesn't like hearing this but he's starting to think he really, really needs to, "He gives you the silent treatment after every fight, knowing you've got no one else to turn to.
"Number six..." she hesitates. "It, um... it doesn't sound like you were ready when you guys started having sex. And that maybe he pressured you?"
Shane wants to deny that. He can't.
"So, yeah." Rose shrugs apologetically. "Asshole doesn't really begin to cover it."
Hearing her list it all out like that, simple, matter-of-fact, it makes Shane want to throw up. It makes him angry, that same hot, bubbling feeling in his chest he felt in Vegas when Brian showed up unannounced.
That same anger that Brian talked him down from so expertly, so thoroughly that he actually convinced Shane to give him another chance.
Even though Shane doesn't even love him anymore.
Shane buries his face in his hands. "I'm such an idiot."
"No!" Rose says, immediate and sharp. She reaches across the table, placing her hand on Shane's arm. "You're not an idiot, Shane. You put your trust in someone who said they love you, that's not stupid. That's brave."
Shane isn't sure he believes her but he nods, lowering his hands. Rose gives him a brilliant smile, thumb caressing his arm.
"But I think you know what you need to do now."
Shane nods again. His mouth feels dry, heart pounding. "And, um. The other guy?"
"He sounds good for you. But," Rose adds, squeezing his arm for emphasis, "you should probably stay single for a bit. You don't want to waste a guy that nice on a rebound."
Unknowingly or not, she's probably the first person to ever describe Ilya Rozanov as nice. It makes Shane smile, because she's not wrong.
"Besides, you're not dumping Brian for him. You're doing it for yourself."
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