“is there anything so undoing as a daughter”

Shane sits up and is about to pout about Ilya ruining the game when Ilya turns back to him and says "you probably couldn't take it anway."

"What?"

"Well if it really is your first time.. it would be too much for you."

And Shane finally catches the glint in his eye and realises this is still a game, just a different one.

"It wouldnt."

"No. I know your type. You think it's fun to get a guy all riled up and then leave him with blue balls."

"I wouldnt do that."

"No really, it's fine." Ilya starts to get up off the bed. "You're not a slut and that's fine. I can just go find me someone who is. I have plenty of girls in my phone who will let me do whatever I want to them, who don't need any convincing and who don't need me to spend half an hour opening up so they can take my dick."

Shane gets up on his knees on the bed in front of Ilya. "I could be a slut."

"Mmm, no, I don't think so."

"I could. For you."

"but you know me, i'm lazy, so." "i don't know that side of you at all."

"is that what we are going to do? relax?" "i hope so. i would like to relax with you. for once."

"because you like to be bad." "hey, that's not what this is. you and me. maybe it was at first but, not now, and not for a long time."

to the point where it even usurps other peoples interpretations of ilya before he gets the chance to internalize them -

"but, you hate him." "no. i mean, i get that. but no. i love him."

Shane talking too much because he realizes that Ilya isn't talking at all and he needs to fill the silence and make sure Ilya knows that Shane isn't holding it against him.

Shane double triple checking that the backup meds are in Ilya's carry-on before they go on a Western Conference road trip. He doesn't nag Ilya about it, but when they get to the airport Ilya starts rifling through everything, thinking he forgot them, when Shane reaches into the front pocket and shows him the orange bottle is right there. Not that they couldn't get them, but Shane wants Ilya to avoid stress as much as possible.

Shane notices that Ilya is able to work fine through his episodes, but that hockey tires him out more. He suggests a quiet day at home with Anya in between home games, saying that he actually needs the downtime. Maybe many couch blowjobs can cure depression.

Ilya goes through the phase where he doesn't want to take his medicine because it's fucking with his libido. He throws one of these at Shane- "Your choice, you can leave me because I can't fuck you or you can leave me because I'm a miserable fuck" and Shane loses it because in his mind nothing, nothing, could make him leave Ilya, this is it for him, and yet Ilya continues to think that one inciting event will result in Shane abandoning him. Shane slams the fridge/oven door/barbell or whatever he's holding back into place and says "If you think I'm such a shallow asshole maybe I should draw up divorce papers for you" and then it becomes this theater of Shane opening his laptop to email their lawyer and Ilya starts crawling on the ground begging for Shane to forgive him and crying and Shane has to reckon with how his reaction made this worse but he's only human too and can only take so much when Ilya starts hurling this stuff at him. Shane apologizes too. Ilya takes his medicine the next day in front of Shane while he shaves in the bathroom mirror.

"I'm not your babysitter, Ilya, you have to want to feel better, this is your life" except Shane does hide all the pills in the house sometimes, putting them in his gym bag and keeping them in the car when things are rough. One day while Ilya is chopping vegetables he realizes that he doesn't really know how to hide all the knives. They have a big set, bought during happy times because they really enjoy cooking together, but now Shane is looking at them like they could be the end of his life.

Shane knowing a depressive state is coming on because Ilya directs all his responses to Anya.

Happy times when Ilya is evened out, so so happy and making everyone laugh and being the captain that Shane knows Ilya wants to be, and feeling guilty that Shane's come to dread the come-down from such a high.

Shane's desperate phone call with Galina of all people when Ilya disappears for like twelve hours in his Porsche. He's white knuckling not calling the police because he knows it'll leak and everyone will know and there's nothing they can do anyway. Galina talks him through it, keeps him calm, and Shane wonders if this is what therapy is like.

The relief Shane feels when Ilya says he thinks this is the right dose of medicine. He can't help but love it when Ilya holds him so tight, like Shane alone tethers him to the Earth. He can't help but love that Ilya needs him so much.