One day, Ilya, Shane and a group of their nearest and dearest are sitting around talking about how Ilya’s fans are so unhinged that there is no ad that Ilya can do that they won’t turn into a ridiculous thirst trap.
So as a game, they take turns coming up with something that could not possibly get deranged. These include:
Bank or local credit union. Mortgages, savings accounts, very beige branding. Ilya sits at a desk, fully dressed in a suit, talking about compound interest.
Response: No chance. Competent man explaining finances? In a suit? That’s an entire kink category. And you know they’ll put him in a vest with the jacket off halfway through, rolled‑up sleeves. Forearms…
Gut‑health campaign. Fibre. ‘Take care of your insides so you can play like Rozanov.’ Very grown‑up, very serious.
Response: COngratulations, you just invented ‘thirsty for probiotic daddy,’
City of Ottawa Municipal recycling. ‘Please sort your plastics.’ Safety vest over a hoodie. No suits, no jeans, just reflective neon.
Response: have you seen his legs in work boots? You’re just giving them ‘hot dad taking out the trash’ energy. There will be fanfic. There will be slow‑motion shots of him lifting the bin. There will be whole essays about how he respects the planet and also definitely knows how to fix a broken sink.
Transit safety. Don’t stand too close to the tracks. Bright orange safety posters.
Response: Imagine: long coat, cold breath in the air, camera catches him from behind as the train rushes past… That’s ‘mysterious stranger you see on your commute and accidentally fall in love with’ AO3 tag. And then they’ll Photoshop Shane sitting at the window of the passing train.
Pest control. ‘Hi, I’m Ilya Rozanov, and I want to talk to you about rats.’
Response: There will be edits of him saying ‘I can take out anything that invades your home’… which will lead to people who call themselves the Infestation.
Ottawa Public Library. ‘Read a book, kids.’
Response: All the “daddy” comments the internet can shake a stick at. Bonus unhinged points of someone saying “Rozanov can caress my spine anyday”
Response: classic, older man/silver fox thirsting, with the additional bonus of Romantic thinkpieces about how Ilya takes care of his joints so he can still pick Shane up in his fifties.
Voice‑over only. Cartoons. Animated safety mascot. No face, no body, just the voice.
Response: deep, sexy Russian accent? Internet has no chance. And they’re probably gonna draw the mascot hot.
Tax filings: The Canada Revenue Agency. Literally just him saying, ‘Do your taxes.’ No visuals, no mascot. Just a PDF link.
Response: the PDF will get leaked. People will zoom in on his digital signature. Unhinged comment: ‘rozanov.pdf ruined my life’.
Later, someone in the group will post on their social media: “Okay, internet, hit me: ‘Least Thirstable Possible Ilya Rozanov Campaigns That Are Still Somehow Horny.’ Round One. Go.”
Within three minutes, the first meme arrives: a mock‑up of Ilya in a high‑visibility vest, thigh crop and all, with the caption I’M JUST HERE TO TAKE OUT YOUR TRASH, BABY.
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