(In the name of pride month I thought I'll share a lil good private thought as a trans guy)
There's a post with two anonymous headstones going around on my twt tl but completely unrelated to the topic of the post the headstone imagery made me think probably for the first time in my life about how and if I'd want to be buried. Yk tragedy spares noone even tho I'm young, and in relation to myself I always say that graves are for the living, not the dead. If god forbid anything happens to me in the foreseeable future it's up to my family to do what would bring them peace. Hell I wouldn't even be mad if they deadnamed me on it. A lil bit sour but whatever, in our specific case I've made peace with it. But if my parents are gone before me like hell I'm having a grave, or at least I always thought so before. And now idk if it's the frontal lobe hardening or something but such a random thought popped up — what if I ever get lucky enough to be a parent and the kid wants a place to talk to dad
It's less depressing than it seems I just had this thought out of nowhere and it gave me whiplash for several reasons
a) jokes aside it's less about 'grow up = think about having kids' bc I don't mean parent in a conventional sense necessarily. I'm starting to realise more with each passing year that I've always wanted to be this vague kind of guardian to someone in the future, not out of necessity but bc there's something in my essence and how I imagine happiness for myself. Didn't have it half as bad as it could be growing up but hell I have a lot of love to give and the best place to put it somewhere where it's needed. I'm just not fond of the idea of having biological children myself. But then also for the longest time growing up as a trans kid with severe depression I couldn't even imagine getting to this age let alone thinking positively so far ahead
b) okay also this hypothetical kid might come with a hypothetical partner of mine that is left behind, so in that case the sentiment includes both of them. But it's so silly and human and soft that I don't have a kid, I don't know what our relationship would be, but my first gutteral instinct is to think "damn where would this human being go when I'm not there but they need me"
I don't know how to put it into words best it's just the fact that this is the way this thought formed made me smile. Like it assumes so many unspoken things, most of all that my brain is set on the fact that whoever would ever call me dad would be loved enough to seek comfort in me even when I'm no longer alive.
Isn't that beautiful. I don't even know them yet, don't know how I'll meet them or what shape they'll come in, or even if they will come at all.
But someone somewhere out there who maybe wasn't even born yet or maybe never will be is so, so loved
