maheeb

‘I don’t think I can, you have enough on your plate.’

‘I could make some room for you then.’ She smiled.

‘That’s not how it works.’ I sighed.

‘I know, I was just stupidly trying to make you feel better.’ She laughed.

My heart thumped, no one does that for anyone these days.

I don’t deserve you.

You deserve better than me.  

I wanted to say all of that out loud but I couldn’t.

✨There are moments when a certain part in your memory flashes before your eyes like a Deja vu leaving you speechless over the fact that this was what you used to be; numb, crumpled, gullible and it hits you back into reality when you are not that person anymore and you are slowly putting your best version out there for everyone to see it hoping this version gets accepted because you can never let anyone leave satisfied anywhere. I have accepted the fact that no wonder how much I change, the person in front of me will not see through that unless they want to.✨

She sat down all to herself, her mind drifted elsewhere. Desolation was her newfound best friend now. And again she was left alone by the ones who she thought were her 'people'. This world has become so crazy and lousy that it suffocated her even to be around but then why would she even care when she did not gain anything with everything she gave to others with all her might? Solitude seemed to be her only comfort to think things through but that does not mean she would give up and lock herself away from the awful world. Empathy and equity was not everybody's cup of tea and those two things made her for who she really was. There were times when she was gloomy and there were times when she was on top of the world. She was red, she was blue and even she was grey. Her compassion did not let her lose hope.

We all have our own depictions about love and life. How we feel it. How we live it. How we consume within it or how it consumes us. We are afraid to take risks. We are always afraid of the outcome but then isn't life about taking risks? Sometimes we forget that there is a certain beauty in learning life lessons whether be it in happy times or it is with pain, it still helps us to craft into someone better and we become better with trusting the right instincts. Life is full of surprises and the better days are on their way.

Can we normalise practicing empathy and that we don't have to be on each other's necks all the time and that acts of kindness can actually solve all sorts of problems? Can we normalise and teach young kids that expressing emotions is not a bad thing either you are a girl or a boy. It irks me to see that some people cannot fathom the thought of seeing two people hitting off so quickly and then blame it on their insecurities by ruining someone else's relationship. There is no such thing as replaceable or irreplaceable. Everyone has a life and things to look up to, they are not going to stick around all the time. I wish people will start being considerable towards their life, their goals, their mental health and things that makes them genuinely happy because at the end of the day the only thing that will bring us contentment and salvation from this world is US!

✨There is this uncanny sense of feeling in my chest that rises when I think about what is it going to be for me? the next step. Will I ever be able to move on from what happened to me? Being betrayed, losing a little sense of compassion that I used to hold for some certain people, the fact that I completely changed from who I used to be.

Some life events can knock the breath out of you when you feel like you do not have the power to make things right anymore. It is like you are trapped in a box, a box of lies that used to feel like a beautiful dream but the sparks went away when the ray of sunshine turned into a nightmare with dark voids surrounded by thick air of despondency. Is this what my sense of lifestyle would be? Thinking I was too blinded by the idea of seeing good in people and in the midst of that this thought of them was always in the back of my mind that I was being used or that my true intentions were being acknowledged and I was totally minding all the consequences that I was to face later. Being too nice did not do me good anyhow.  ✨

✨  Happiness began for me when the untold truths were unfolded and the light of reality struck back and the method of life and fate started to make sense. What is life anyway? I didn’t really get to fully enjoy the taste of my youth and I was ready to give it to one person and settle down when I still not have sorted my life out when there is so much to look forward to and so much to offer. The sudden pit of realization hits you when your inevitable fate is in front of you but you are too late. 

It is still not late for me though because my happiness has just begun and I am off to my journey to self-love. Right now my top priority is my mental health and my happiness. 

My family is where my happiness begins. The unread books are where my happiness begins. Discussing kpop/kdramas with my virtual 친구 (chingu (korean)=friend) is where my happiness begins. Writing poetry is where my happiness begins. Exploring cafes after exhausting uni lectures with my friends is where my happiness begins. I may have been in the moments where the best of my abilities were questioned and my trust was broken but I have endured that pain and I m slowly getting there. I hope that I don’t lose the spark that makes me, ME. I have my little parallel universe with me which has been keeping me sane. I have been dreaming big. I can say that I can finally breathe. ✨  

✨As odd as it seems but sometimes our fate takes us to the most unexpected places that are way beyond our imagination could go. Its a pure joy and it is inevitable. Regardless of a happy life, beautiful cherished moments and bittersweet memories, some great lessons are learned which get you back on your feet. And that’s how life should be. Some memories are hard to let go but that does not make this the end of the world.And at the end of the day we are all humans who just want to live the good parts of our lives and just escape the bad ones when we seemingly forget that happy hours comes after sad tragedies and the future has so much to offer and a lot to look forward to. ✨

✨Its sad when life does not sort in the manner you want it to be. You thought you had the power, the control, the belief in yourself that you carried in yourself so proudly. That you can fix everything. That you can keep everything. That your empathy is something that makes you worthy and the people that you thought were your people will keep you no matter what. Little did she knew, life would not just bear with her for that long with the happy moments, the sunshine, the rainbows, the bed of roses. The love she earned and was so proud of drowned her in the shallow pit of darkness that she couldn't breathe and was not sure she could let go of it. But then not everything works according to your plan right. To think you can keep all the happiness to yourself sounds dreamy and magical can turn out to be your biggest nightmare. ✨

✨And that nightmare did not stop her to soar high in life. That nightmare helped to take the masks off the ones she truly dear. The mask of betrayal, the emptiness of the soul which took her in to an abyss, away from the wild wolves of the cruel world. What had she done wrong? Who did she do wrong? Did she deserved it? ✨

To the black people who have experienced the awful act of racism and has seen the worst in life or have lost a loved one. I hope that you know that your voice is heard and that your opinion matters as much as any other in this society. ✨

✨Happiness, peace, calm, serenity, aren’t these the things we most desire for in life and sometimes fail to find it. Sometimes our wrong judgments and decisions takes away the serenity that was meant to be for us and sometimes we fail to recognize where our serenity lies. The best of my belief is that where there is empathy, there is serenity and i wish the society we are living in today where the narrative of bringing people down for the things that gives them comfort is seen as something ‘cool’, this behavior should be eliminated and not practiced. We have failed to give the environment to our children where empathy and kindness isn’t something that is not stressed out enough rather than just parents tend to control their children and expects them to just sort their lives out without even having any prevalence over their lives. We are so lost in establishing ourselves over the choices that our parents make for us that we have forgotten what different shades of wonders life has to offer.   Wish we could all gather to create an environment where people would accept their fortune and look for their serenity, sometimes its better to figure than to wait for it. ✨