Unfiltered Thoughts

this one is good and nice and respectful. please please please don't mess this up i tell myself. but dangerous thoughts of comparison creep at the edge of my mind.

within him there was so much intensity and uncertainty. constantly fighting for love and approval. but at the end of the day coming back to him felt like home.

So deeply so wholly that I fear I will drown in the emotions that I feel for you. Somehow you managed to call upon every single ounce of feeling and direct it towards you. So much tenderness and joy and enchantment directed towards one person.

I love you. What a scary, terrible, beautiful thing to say to someone. I know that someday this will eventually end and it hurts me to think of a time when we’ll be strangers. I’m terrified one day it’ll slip.

the idea that on this day, it seems like you forgot or that I am an afterthought. I will not lie, it hurts more than I thought it would.

that everything is going to pass me by. One day I'll wake up from the haze and realize that three years have gone by and my college experience is over. I'll be thrown into a world that I've never really lived in.

All of a sudden I'm panicking about people knowing that we're together because there is a permanence in that. Once you speak it into existence there's no more walking away or changing my mind. I'm sorry because I know you're waiting.

Thank you for being so good. So steadfast and steady and warm. For being patient despite my uncertainty and inexperience. For giving me stability and grounding.

Distant. Like there’s a wall. Act naturally? How can I when I feel like I can’t even see your face

It was between me and her and you chose me. I know because I'm standing here with you. But it hurts that she was there in the first place. Sometimes your gaze lingers and my heart aches.

but why does that fill me with more apprehension? Meaningless words and broken promises are on the horizon. Please prove me wrong.

How could you tell me that so casually? My heart aches when you look at her. When you regard her with the same tenderness and kindness as you would me. But I can’t stay away. Because when you think I’m sleeping I feel you stroke my hair.

It starts in my chest. Moves to my throat. There's a weight there, heavy enough to pull me down. Suddenly my eyes are seeking you out and I get tunnel vision. I wonder how obvious I am to those around me. Obvious to everyone but you. It's safer this way.