#mentally drained

Have you ever wondered if something was ever meant for you it would have happened already?

My mind replays that question everyday.

Differant scenarios.

Friendship.

Jobs.

College.

Love.

I’ve always wondered if God would bless me with someone that loves me the way I love them.

I’ve wanted love ever since I could remember.

Growing up I’d watch romances with my mother.

And I’d envy the main character and think to myself “That’s what I want”.

I never told any guy I liked them.

You could say it was because of my shyness.

But it was mainly because I think “They’d never go for a girl like me.”.

I’m a bigger girl, with a big heart, asking someone to atleast like her like she likes them.

That’s my mindset, ever since I was 16 and wanting a date to prom.

I went alone assuring everyone it was by choice, when really I wanted to be like every other girl and have a date.

I’m 22 now and I still don’t make the first move.

Yes, I do get suitors.

But they never last long.

For a girl with such empathy and as big a heart as I have I’ve always had bad luck with love.

I either care too much.

Love too fast.

Or do something a girlfriend would do.

I never get the happy ending.

Yes, I am only 22 but I’ve never had anyone love me the way I love them.

I’ve truly never had a boyfriend.

It’s gotten so bad that my mother asks me if I’m a lesbian monthly.

Yes, it hurts my feelings because in my mind she thinks I can’t get a man nevertheless get a man to stay. 

I’m tired.

My heart has shrunk in size.

I have no love in me left to give to any man.

But I guess thats a good thing because I never get asked out.