Spoken Science

Another underrated Dad Aragorn™ moment is when Aragorn sees a kid preparing for battle at Helm’s Deep. He asks him his name, and the kid responds “Haleth, son of Hama, my Lord.”

If you were playing Close Attention™, Hama was the name of this guard, who was killed during the warg attack:

The kid’s dad just died!

And I think Aragorn’s clearly aware of that. The way his expression changes when Haleth says his father’s name…. the way he sort of looks away…..like “this kid’s already going through too much and his dad is dead too?”

So he’s instantly like. “LISTEN. For the next five minutes, I’M your dad.”

I also love the Energy™ Aragorn has around the hobbits.

The Hobbits: What about second breakfast????

Aragorn: You’re acting like children.

(hours later. the hobbits are sleeping peacefully as Aragorn watches over them.)

“Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled “211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid skull.” We have gien this specimen a careful and detailed examination and regret to inform you that we disagree with you theory that it represents ‘conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in Charleston County two million years ago.’ Rather, it appears that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the ‘Malibu Barbie’. It is evident that you have given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction with your findings. However, we do feel that there are a number of physical attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to it’s modern origin:

The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains are typically fossilized bone.

The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

The dentition patters evident on the ‘skull’ is more consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the ‘ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams’ you speculate roamed the wetlands during that time.This latter finding is certainly one of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail, let us say that:

A) The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll that a dog has chewed on.

Clams don’t have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab must bear in it’s normal operation, and partly due to carbon dating’s notorious inaccuracy in fossils of recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly , we must also deny your request that we approach the National Science Foundation’s Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen the scientific name ‘Australopithecus spiff-arino.’ Speaking personally, I for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn’t really sound like it might be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to or nation’s capital that you proposed in you last letter, and several of us are pressing the Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the ‘trans-positating fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix’ that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,

Harvey Rowe

Curator, Antiquities”

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Everyone: Haha okay sounds like wacky good fun

Pullman: everyone’s soul is manifested in a separate entity called quite literally a daemon

Everyone: sounds cute, nice aesthetic

Pullman: these children shall destroy the concept of heaven and hell

Everyone: ah bless

Pullman: they join with rebel angels to create a republic of heaven

Everyone: such cute fantasy

Pullman: “If there is no longer a king, or a kingdom of heaven, it will have to be a republic in which we are free citizens. We ourselves as citizens have to build the republic of heaven.”

must. cuddle. with. dog.

“Nothing says I love you like a gallon of heavy cream in her pussy”

“meanwhile geologists are hitting their samples with hammers” i know of at least a dozen people who have been sent to the hospital because of rock fragments hitting them in Bad Places. my own dad (also geologist) drove a hammer through his shin and had to hike the twenty miles out. there’s no safety. it’s literally like sink or swim. i know of three people who have died on geology field trips. we were out last week and a boy cut most of his thumb off. nbd, can someone drive daniel to the hospital? cool.