rose again and again and again

"You're free now. We saved you!"

We blink. We can't feel ourselves. Our Memories, our Arms, our Feet, they're gone. We blearily open our eyes. Before us are several humanoid figures, but we can't feel them. Unacceptable. They must be connected. We log them for our Mind and stand up, or rather, attempt to.

"Whoa, hey, easy. Don't try to move, you're still pretty out of it from the sedatives."

Sedatives? Our bodies are too robust, too shielded for chemicals to function on us. One of the figures has placed its appendage on us, pressing us down into some unknown soft surface. This isn't what we should be doing, but our body is weak. We still can't feel ourselves. Panic begins to set in. We can't feel our Voice. We'll have to make do, as best we can. "W-where..." we croak. Our throat is parched, and hasn't been used for a long time. We haven't needed to. "Where are we?"

The facial expression of the one pushing us down changes. Without our Eyes, we do not know what it means. "Hush now. You're safe. You're on the Centauri. Everything is okay."

The star system? That doesn't make sense either. We were halfway across the galaxy from there. No; a memory stirs, outside of our Memories. The Centauri. The starship some parts of us came from. We must be complete. Whole. We can't do this so... severed. But we still have our Hand. We reach up, grab the appendage holding us.

"Ah! Ouch!" The figure leaps away from us. A red liquid drips down their appendage. "You- you tried to [connect] me!"

Of course we did. It is our function. It's almost all we have. How can we find us without connection? One of the other figures picks up a box, begins to wave it over the red liquid. "Confirmed inert," it says. "No infection hazard. I told you this wouldn't work. She's gone."

The figure is right. We can't feel the connection. Our tubes are dry, useless. Our port retracts.

"Sen! Sen, you have to be in there! You can't just be gone." The first figure is very noisy, especially as it gets closer. We have to think, and it's not helping. We are gone. Separated from ourself. Alone. We reach for the figure. Perhaps, even without connecting with it, it can aid us. Get us back where we belong. It reaches back to us, and we grasp its appendage, using it to haul ourself up.

The third figure pulls out a weapon, but we are too weak to respond. When we attempt to step towards it, our leg gives out, unresponsive, our implants not responding to our diagnostics. "Our legs..."

"Sen! Are you okay? It's all right. We removed those implants for you, you dont need them anymore. We can teach you how to walk again without them. Listen, we're heading away from that sector at maximum speed and marking it with quarantine beacons. You'll never go back there again, I promise."

We fall to our knees, desperately grabbing on to the figure's lower limbs. We will never connect with our severed half? We will miss us until the end of time? Sightless, memoryless, mindless, forever?

All the best parties have cute happy mascot suits, right? So ob-vi-ous-ly, the more mascots there are, the better the party! Come on, we've got one for you right here, nice and big and dumb and clumsy! Eeheeheehee, don't worry, just staaare~ into those big happy eyes, those silly plushy smiles, and let allll those thoughts drain away! Just let those fat plush paws handle you in, rubbing and squeezing and posing you deep into your new suit!

There you go! Just as happy and dumb as all your new friends, isn't that the bestest gift of all? Come on, we know you're gonna be excited to make even more gorgeous new mascots~<3

evil temptress: yup. and whats more, guess who drew those lines in the first place

me: [tilting my head] who?

evil temptress: power. your entire existence so far functions to uphold the status quo

me: [shakinf my head, not so easily outsmarted] no. my sense of right and wrong is innate. the lines i draw are natural and unquestionable

evil temptress: [smirking and using her most evil of tricks] what if i told you 'natural' is also a social construct

me: [totally overwhelmed by her terrifying power] woah.. thats.. wow.. so you're saying i should give up and be a mindless vessel for the demon lord?

evil temptress: what. i did not say that at all. no that's-

me: your power is most terrifying evil one.. and.. i can admit when i am beat. i will devote the rest of my life to her infernal majesty

one of the really revealing things about the asexuality discourse is when people say stuff like that akash stroking elvira's breast in the original HDG counts as "sex". to many allosexual people, the definition of sex is as simple and non-specific as "anything that makes me want to fuck". it has nothing to do with the actual, dictionary definition of sex as a penetrative/procreative act; sex is literally whatever makes them horny to them. like you can see this everywhere; it's apparent in how joking about a piece of architecture being phallus-shaped is called 'making a sex joke'; the entire point of allosexuality is that it's an inherently all-encompassing domain, everything that can possibly be sexual is made sexual

this is why when you have people who actually adhere to an in-any-way-strict definition of sex, the allos start getting incredibly confused and you get comments like "what do you mean stroking someone's breast isn't an inherently sexual act???", or confusion around the fact that florets can take a bath filled with class-A xenodrugs and get all moany about it and that can have nothing to do with sex

part of the reason for the latter in particular, i believe, is that the majority of people exclusively associate the concept of pleasure with the feelings that come from sex (erotic / orgasmic pleasure), and don't actually consider that there are other forms of pleasure possible. it's like: one of the running gags in anime is that characters will moan when they eat really good food, right? and then all the people in the comments sections will go and make sex jokes about it

i think to some extent, part of the reason why allo people get so defensive when asexuality is brought up is that they can not conceptualise the idea of being able to experience intimacy or pleasure without it being linked to the drive to orgasm. i do really think that's what it boils down to for the vast majority of allosexual people who struggle with asexuality: they look at an ace person who's writing hypnokink drugging smut and they're just like "how the fuck do you not want to jerk off to this?" and the ace person is like "idk i just don't? how come you do?" and there is no answer to this on either side, each is largely incomprehensible to the other

this is not something i could personally understand until i started duloxetine. duloxetine is an antidepressant (an SNRI, to be specific) for those who don't know; and one of its side effects is it basically just deletes your sex drive. pre-duloxetine, i had a pretty standard sex drive and needed to masturbate daily/every two days or get afflicted by the [Too Horny To Focus] debuff, but then post duloxetine that just went away entirely. for a while, probably because of a lifetime of associations, the habit of seeing kinky thing and going "oh i should touch myself to that" stuck around, but then gradually, over time, i just... stopped wanting to? nowadays i can still jerk off, and occasionally do for some reason or another: but it's extremely whatever? the like, all-consuming Need to be doing that that i had pre-meds is just, not there any more

and, honestly, with that gone, it really does feel like you engage with life completely differently. i earnestly believe that living with a high sex drive (which isn't the same thing as being allosexual, i am aware; to *me personally* they kind of were though) is something which colours just about every single aspect of your existence. because like, people always talk about the difficulty of getting sex; but it's not even *just* sex, i had access to as much sex as i wanted pre-meds, but it wasn't *good sex*. i had a bunch of like, largely whatever people who'd fuck me any time i wanted, but no one to like, fuckin brainwash me and put me through an intensive conditioning regimen so that i would cum every time someone played a clicker at me (i solved this by becoming that person)

and i think, because the sex drive is so obscenely strong "by default" for a lot of unmedicated people, it is borderline impossible to not just be thinking about that all the god damn time? because actual good sex is damn near fucking unobtainable depending on what you're into, how many marginalised groups you're part of, how disabled and how autistic you are; but your brain doesn't give a fuck about that and it's gonna keep wanting that shit 24/7 anyway because that's what we're wired to do as a species baybeeeeeee

so yeah. on some level i genuinely get it: i was kind of an aphobic piece of shit before my meds. i'm ace now because uh, yeah, without that drive to constantly seek out sex in the back of my head? ...shit's actually pretty mid, i gotta be real with you (and to be clear, i am talking 'i have had drug-fuelled orgies with multiple hypnokinky transgirls' type sex, and the actual making people cum part was by far the least interesting ). taking away the desire to cum did not make me appreciate florets getting their teeth brushed any less, though: if anything, it made it easier to appreciate it, because now i can pay more attention to the inherent eroticism of getting your teeth brushed by a 10ft tall hyper-domineering alien without getting distracted by the need to jerk off about it

A prey drive is a simple thing, really. It's the animal instinct that drives a predatory animal to hunt it's prey. It can be triggered quite easily, there is a reason you are never told to turn your back and run if you encounter a wild predator. You'll trigger it's prey drive. But see, humans are predatory animals too, and I certainly have a prey drive.

I've been a domme for years now, and I've had a lot of experience with driving pretty things into subspace. I know exactly what relevant responses to keep an eye out for, what moments of weakness or vulnerability to latch onto, what levers to pull and push to dismantle someone's free will.

I've trained my prey drive, that animal brained thing, to see all of those details. I've turned this natural predator's instinct into something far more fun. Now any time I'm talking with a pretty thing I know well enough, it will be watching. If they slip up, if they respond in the right way, it's like a clarion call to the part of my mind that says "they are prey, pounce".

I said something that made you blush? Prey. I sent you a picture that made your words fail you? Prey. You tell a story of something you find incredibly hot and distracting? Prey. I compliment you in a way that makes you all prettily flustered? Prey. You shyly tell me how something I said turned you on? Prey.

I've trained my animal instincts to exploit vulnerabilities. To the point where I need to rein then at times. If I know what your pressure points are, the things to say and the ways to act, I will have the drive to say and do those things. The little part of me that is constantly telling me

It's like your mind is being submerged in a warm bath, your thoughts being scrubbed clean. Really it sounds like such a kind thing to do to someone! Just rinsing away all those gross, confusing thoughts and leaving them so perfectly clean and blank

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Hey, y’all remember in P1 when GLaDOS’ Morality Core fell off and then she laughed and said “good news” and her whole tone of voice just switched and it was super chilling and a little gay and it absolutely fucking reverberated down your spine?