all my haters become tomaters. in my stew

sometimes you trap a male false black widow under a cup in the middle of the night because he was roaming around on your ceiling looking for female spider pheromones and then his harmless dumb ass fell straight onto your bed so you had to contain him because you were tired and wanted to sleep. and sometimes that spider is no longer in that cup the next morning. as haunting as it is his determination is honestly kinda inspiring. chase your dreams little man hope you get spider laid

so, I hadn’t seen him since he escaped from his cup prison the other day (I did, however, find a ridiculously tiny vampire bite mark on my tummy— it did not swell or itch, like I said, he’s harmless), and I came home today to find ants swarming my bathroom. and there he was, following the trail and making a meal of em. He really got his revenge by biting me (pathetically) and then made an effort to prove his worth. I think we’re basically best friends now

I know we are all like "people in caveman times would drill holes in their head to relieve headaches" andwe go oh that's so stupid that's so dumb but like. then I get a headache and I'm like.ooooh I get it I get it. Grug prepare the drill.

girl unhinge ur jaw

UNCLENCH. I MEANT UNCLENCH

i don’t understand what this post is saying, why would i be leaving the theatre with uneaten turkeys. where did i get them from. what the fuck was i talking about.

You don't understand your own post?

i don’t understand anything

how many people do you think use speech to text to write fanfiction like how many people in this world are sitting alone in their living room vividly reciting the nastiest sex scenes with perfect diction

That's absolutely insane.

Nature red in tooth and claw ain't seen nothing yet

everyone who is not currently in the process of moving please pause and take a moment to be grateful that you're not currently in the process of moving