Soja (screaming into the void)

it's rehearsing a simple "hello" in your head for ten minutes, only to decide not to say anything at all because you've already imagined every possible way it could go wrong.

it's your heart pounding because you have to check the mail, just in case a neighbor sees you and you have to exist in their line of sight for three seconds. it's the profound, bone-deep certainty that if people really knew you, they would be disgusted, bored, or pity you.

it's not shyness. it's a pre-emptive rejection of the entire world. you reject them before they can reject you, and you call it safety. you build a glass wall between you and everyone else. you can see the world of connection and laughter on the other side, but you're convinced you don't belong there. you're just a spectator to your own life.

it's the ghost life. the one lived in your head, full of vibrant conversations and friendships that never see the light of day. it's mourning a life you've never even had the courage to live.

the cruelest trick is that the very thing you need to heal—connection—is the very thing your entire being is wired to flee from.

_____

This is a checklist to help one understand Avoidant Personality Disorder. One may use it to self-diagnose or as a worksheet to present to a doctor or therapist  or other medical professional and better communicate symptoms they are experiencing. All information is taken from the DSM-5.

Section I Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have identity issues, which include low self-esteem. I find myself unappealing or inferior to others.

I set unrealistic standards for myself, and I am reluctant to pursue any of my goals or take personal risks or engage in new activities which involve interpersonal contact.

I am empathic, although I focus more on negative feelings which are directed at me. I am sensitive to criticism and rejection.

I am reluctant to get too close to people and maintain a distance to keep people from knowing me too well.

__ / 4

Section II Must check TWO or more of the following:

I have cognition problems and difficulty perceiving myself, other people, and events.

I have affectivity problems and difficulty controlling the range and intensity of my emotional responses.

I have problems with interpersonal functioning and being aware of my own actions and feelings.

I have difficulty controlling my impulses.

__ / 4

Section III Must check THREE or more of the following, one of which MUST be the first one listed:

I experience intense feelings of nervousness, tenseness, and panic in reaction to social situations. I worry about the negative effects experiences, and I am afraid of embarrassing myself.

I detach myself from social contacts and don’t initiate anything in order to avoid embarrassing myself or ruining the relationship.

I find myself unable to fully enjoy myself or properly engage in experiences which should make me happy. It’s hard for me to take interest in things.

I avoid intimacy and getting too close to people (romantic relationships, friendships etc.).

__ / 4

Section IV Must check FOUR or more of the following:

I avoid activities with involve significant interpersonal contact because of my fears of criticism, disapproval, or rejection.

I’m pretty unwilling to get involved with people unless I’m certain they’re going to like me.

I hold back in personal relationships because I’m afraid of being shamed or ridiculed.

I’m preoccupied with being criticized or rejected in social situations.

I feel uncomfortable in new interpersonal situations because of my feelings of inadequacy.

I see myself as socially inept, unappealing, or inferior to others.

I’m reluctant to take personal risks or engage in new activities because I may embarrass myself.

__ / 7

Section V Must check ALL of the following:

My symptoms impair my personality and social functioning

My symptoms are consistent across a broad range of personal and social situations.

My symptoms have lasted a while and started in early adulthood or earlier.

My symptoms are not caused by medication, drug use, or another medical condition.

At this point, if you have checked the minimum, you may qualify for a diagnosis of avoidant personality disorder. The next section is a compiled list of symptoms, behaviors, thought patterns, etc. often found in avoidant patients.

If you did NOT meet the minimum but relate to many of the symptoms listed, check out General Anxiety Disorder and Social Anxiety Disorder. If you feel you related to some of the symptoms, but feel many of your symptoms weren’t listed, try Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder or Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. If you cleared Sections II and V but still did not meet the minimum, look into other personality disorders.

Other disorders that are commonly diagnosed with Avoidant Personality Disorder include depression, bipolar, and anxiety disorders, especially social anxiety disorder.

Section VI Common symptoms and behaviors associated:

I feel like group settings are easier than one-on-one conversations because there is less attention focused on me.

I have no idea how to take compliments.

In fact, compliments can often make me nervous because then I feel like I have to meet an expectation, and I am confident I will fail.

I often avoid opportunities which could be good for me because I am afraid of failing.

I have phone anxiety.

Sometimes I can take a long time to reply to people because I’m afraid my response will be criticized. 

I avoid initiating contact with people as much as I can.

I hate being the one to make plans. I’d much rather someone else make plans, and I’ll just go along with them. (Or maybe I’ll avoid them too.)

I tend to delete posts because I become afraid of what other people will think of them.

I hate being angry or sad or expressing any form of negative emotion in front of other people.

I’m so afraid of asking for help, even when I desperately need it.

I find I am often unable to go to work/school or to find a job/apply for school because I worry a job/school would be too critical of me.

I am bad at picking up on cues like flirting or other forms of positive expression.

I really look up to some of the people in my life because I truly feel they are better people than I am.

I fantasize about idealized relationships with other people.

Happy 15th birthday to Nyan Cat! The post above is the original and first post of the 8bit kitty back on April 2nd, 2011.