So I tumble...

It is, once again, I write here to say “I miss you babe”.. I really do! :( Sigh

You show your care while you lovingly brush my hair, You kiss my hands Moisten up these dry sands, Make me wish the plane lands, Into an unimaginable trance. You say you worry, So much so that you hurry, To give me suggestions that I bury, Hence you think I’m dreary, Although you call me a fairy. To care about me you are allowed, But not till it becomes my shroud, With great sweetness you are endowed, And to have it with me, I’m proud. How do I explain where to draw the line, While I have in my hand, a glass of wine, That friendship, rather than love, is more divine, And yet make sure you are still mine. You are my friend indeed, while in need or greed. I say this with great honour, You are my armour, you help me remain calmer, Sometimes you leave me nothing but a corner, But that’s your manner. You are refreshing, you are amazing, You are enraging while you are stimulating, You are as infuriating; as you are invigorating.

It hurts.. 

They say doing something makes one realize the hardships involved in actually achieving it, but if you discover the joy of doing it instead of the hardships, you instantly feel the connection. 

Is it experiences, age, company that you keep or just living in a "big bad world" that makes you this way? Maybe its a mix of all. We'd never know. Is everybody like this? Does not being paranoid mean that you have better handle on things or just plain naive?? Hmm.. I guess its the same things as asking - Is over-smartness a state of being too intelligent or too foolish?? Guess we'll know when we know!

So this is the level of desperation I have come down to. I always said that if I had to wish then I'd rather wish that you'd be back forever than for me to say my last words to you. But here I am so lost without you that I wish that I could hug you one last time, kiss you one last time and tell you I love you one last time. Its so weird how my life would be in a different place if you were here. Who'd think that friends would have such such impact on our lives. Baby, you made me laugh so much when you were around that some of the only things that bring a genuine smile on my face now are those memories. You were always around to listen to me, to nudge me into making correct decisions and to take care of me without me having to say so. People thought I was your agony aunt but nobody knew the impact you had on my life or the amount you helped me grow as a person. Out of the few few, countable few, close people in my life, you touched me. You left your magical dust to keep me joyful even when you weren't around me. But now, you are truly not around me. I feel so lost so lost that I do not recognise good, bad, sad etc anymore. Please come back Saan, even if it is to just say those few last words. Please come back.

You will remain with me forever.

PS: Sahana - I probably wouldn't have discussed this with you (because I never did), but just having you around me would've helped soo much, you have no idea. 

So that thread, hanging loosely.. Faith! There was that moment when it turned. It affirmed my faith. Was it a kicking that I needed? Maybe. It just changed, one thing was all it took. It's rebirth is rather funny. Did I seek it or did he seek me. I'm talking about Baba of course. They say you can meet him only when he calls, you can see him only if he wants to and you can read about him only if he wants you to. I think he called me. Welcomed me. Embraced me. It took a snapping of mind of sorts to get there. Hitting a low. Kicked time and again by people, nature and fate. And I was there. I swallowed my pride and asked for help. Hit a level of cuckoo I'd touched only once before. Am I particularly happy that I reached there? Maybe not. But there was a silver lining. Was that best way to call for me? Not sure. But who am I to question his mysterious methods. I want to see how it goes this time. Will I let that thread go again? Hopefully not. There most definitely is some peace there. A divine peace that I know does not come from anything else in this world. A soul satisfying peace, for lack of better description. But maybe it s just my belief. A twist of sorts or maybe a sign to change my ways. Again, I'll only know when I know. Till then. Good night! PS: I still miss you crazy Sahana Bhimasen. I truly do!

<Kisses> <Love>

It hurts. Anything can die. People, pets, ambitions, hope, career..... People take the cake here. Its the hardest to deal with. You believe you're a strong person. A person in peace. And there comes death!! Shakes up your entire world. People say the effect of death on our minds wear off. But does it? I mean, you make some decisions, resolutions, express gratitude for being alive etc when you lose someone; these decisions seem impractical when you go about your life eventually. But the effect, the impact of death in its core, never dies off. People think that they have escaped this horrible happening. Thank their lucky stars for keeping them alive. More often than not, one forgets the intensity of pain over time. But this is not one of those pains. This is not pain at all. This is an ache, an inexplicable mix of agony, pang and grief. A wrench in the gut. A twisting sting in the head. A strange twinge in the knees. You are almost paralysed. You cannot study or work. You can barely move, stand up, shake your head or even shake the feeling off. It grips you and at that moment it comes back. A flash of events. Not hazy not smoky; a clear account of events. At that moment you know you're done for. There is no getting out of this. You are an evidence to the demise of you. Death indeed has gotten you too.

Is it necessary? Is it overrated? My point is - when you share your thought with somebody, they know what you're thinking and thats fine. But whats the guarantee that they understand it the way you intended it. Wouldn't it make one susceptible to being judged. Wouldn't that make one vulnerable? Isn't that a bad thing? We all say that we don't care what others think, but the truth is we do care, we all seek some kind of approval. It does matter. Approval plays a very big role in boosting self-esteem. Atleast helps me. Does that mean I have very little of it, that it needs the push? Is that normal? Does this make me mediocre? Does a fresh start help in, well, starting fresh? If so, what exactly does it entail? Do I need to turn everything around in my life? Should I give up everything and everybody? Will I be happy then? Reading my thoughts is so weird. I just read the paragraph above and it sounds like teenage problems. Its confusing how I can't understand my own thoughts. They seem so alien. They seem so superficial almost. Is any of ME left inside somewhere? What do I need to do to find it? Am I just insecure because things haven't gone the way I planned? Have I lost the confidence in myself? Do I need to talk to anybody? Would it help? Does sharing really help letting some weight off my chest? Can I trust somebody enough to do that? I burned my hand badly at this once, so badly that I'm still not over it. Do I need to start the hunt all over again? Is it really worth it?

I can’t choose this side or that. Either path does not seem clear from where I’m standing. But ask me if I am a non-believer and my answer is an outright NO; so then one would conclude that I am a person of faith and that’s not true either. So I guess I’m confused. Its not a happy place to be, believe me!!

Apparently I like pink! Who knew..

Is it really such an odd thing to do? Talking to yourself? Isn't it the same as thinking out loud? I guess when its put like that it doesn't seem unusual at all. It merely saying whats running in your head aloud. There isn't anything wrong with that. And who can better understand or be a better listener than you yourself. Its your own thought said to yourself. There s no fear of judgement there! Aren't you your best friend so to speak. So you talk and you listen and you understand it best