in the mud

everything is just OCD, OCD, OCD and more OCD.

and what's funny about that is that i think i have mild (???) ocd, probably because i have the "Pure O" subtype. aka.... its literally all in my head.

wishing (except i dont) that i had physical, tangible compulsions because then it would be a more validating diagnosis but nope... i just have the "research and ruminate 25/8" kind of compulsions...

and its also difficult bc one of my friends has mentioned being suspicious that *they* have OCD which is like.... i can't even be like "oh yeah, us OCD havers!" bc i was only recently diagnosed + know nothing abt it... except for the fact that a lot of my life has been dictated by OCD LOL

how do i even begin to explain the things that happened to me and that i did, how things changed over time as i grew up

how do i tell people that instead of getting to forget the things that happened, it all plays on a constant loop in the back of my mind?

i wish i had to courage to reach out and apologize. i wish i was healed enough to send a message wishing him well. i’ve realized that yeah, i let the lines of friendship and romantic attraction blur a bit too much, but i also threw away the last good friendship i’d ever had up until that point.

lets go back to 2020

lets go back to when everything went wrong

killing everything about me so that there's a chance i survive

flipping a coin on whether ill just become angry or depressed

and punishing myself for ever dreaming i could get ahead, could save the world, could do anything i put my mind to, because as my dad says, im fucking stupid, im irresponsible, i don't know how to do anything and atp, i should just kill myself.