#dirt says...

everything is just OCD, OCD, OCD and more OCD.

and what's funny about that is that i think i have mild (???) ocd, probably because i have the "Pure O" subtype. aka.... its literally all in my head.

wishing (except i dont) that i had physical, tangible compulsions because then it would be a more validating diagnosis but nope... i just have the "research and ruminate 25/8" kind of compulsions...

and its also difficult bc one of my friends has mentioned being suspicious that *they* have OCD which is like.... i can't even be like "oh yeah, us OCD havers!" bc i was only recently diagnosed + know nothing abt it... except for the fact that a lot of my life has been dictated by OCD LOL

how do i even begin to explain the things that happened to me and that i did, how things changed over time as i grew up

how do i tell people that instead of getting to forget the things that happened, it all plays on a constant loop in the back of my mind?

i wish i had to courage to reach out and apologize. i wish i was healed enough to send a message wishing him well. i’ve realized that yeah, i let the lines of friendship and romantic attraction blur a bit too much, but i also threw away the last good friendship i’d ever had up until that point.

lets go back to 2020

lets go back to when everything went wrong

killing everything about me so that there's a chance i survive

flipping a coin on whether ill just become angry or depressed

and punishing myself for ever dreaming i could get ahead, could save the world, could do anything i put my mind to, because as my dad says, im fucking stupid, im irresponsible, i don't know how to do anything and atp, i should just kill myself.

small update bc i don't remember what the last irl post i made was...

n e ways emmmm i am being forced to drop out of college bc of financial issues, which basically means my life is over and its making me somewhat depressed, even though while i was figuring out just how fucked i was, i was freaking out rlly bad. unfortunately, this means i won't be able to see my therapist anymore, since i think her services are tied to the school, so i might not ever get a diagnosis

as of rn tho, i at least know i suffer from c-ptsd, and im suspecting that an earlier suggestion of ocd is correct. i don't know what the future will bring for me, but i'm wishing future me big money bags and peace of mind.

so stressed with balancing classes and volunteer service

the clown in the white house certainly doesn't make my life easier, since all i can think about is how im at risk of losing my education

the world rn makes me want to hide in a shell, and pretend nothing is going on, but i can't not know what's going on in the world

i have looked into it like i have w every other self-diagnosis and am now stuck on whether i should continue researching ocd or if i should just put my phone down. having been told i may have it has unfortunately created a new series of worries, of “oh gosh if i do have it, does that mean that every single one of my behaviors can be attributed to ocd?” and the answer has unfortunately made my brain break bc now if i engage in the behavior, am i feeding the obsessions? am i feeding the compulsion? do i sit very still and very quiet and avoid doing anything about it, or can i keep researching it and trying to understand the probably valid diagnosis?

i’ve realized/come to the conclusion that i have pure ocd, and that i have had (and continue to have?) moral ocd, contamination ocd, and harm ocd

i’ve always thought that my mental health issues were caused by something else, but ocd would actually explain most if not all of it. ofc there are some things i can’t explain w ocd, but a majority of my behaviors and the struggles i faced could quite possible be attributed to ocd. and i am a little sad that this diagnosis comes at a milestone point in my life, bc now id what to do with the cool labels i was putting in my bag.