MAN'S BEST FRIEND

i loved making the idol but it was supposed to be more female focused and men can't handle that. i also think society can't handle some of the themes that were in it but that's on them not me. aw, thank you and you always look stunning. you are way too kind because i think you are one of the best dancers we have hell, you're similar to me in that you act, sing and dance, there's not a lot of us around but you always blow me away. don't be mad, in fact let me take you to dinner and we can both hand out compliments till we can't see straight.

ooh, clapbacking at society? i'm very much in for that conversation. what are some of the themes they couldn't handle, though? because i want specifics so i can be annoyed on your behalf. and stop, you're genuinely going to make me blush, which is inconvenient because i have a reputation to maintain. but okay, here's an idea — you come on stage with me one time as jocelyn for 'bed chem,' and we just let you completely take over the choreography so it's this whole moment of you having the spotlight, and abel can lurk somewhere near the soundbooth pretending he's not watching. people in the crowd are going to be so confused, half of them thinking we've gone full-on meta and the other half genuinely convinced they've been zapped inside their tv screens, and honestly i'm going to live for every single second of that chaos. see? this is why we work. yes, dinner. absolutely. you can sit there giving me compliments all night, and i'll give you a strategy plan, a lyric sheet, and probably unsolicited career advice you didn't ask for but will thank me for later. i'm a giver like that.

see, i love that you saw tiktoks of me first and were then thrown by ilya when you finally saw him on screen, that makes me beyond happy. but yeah, he's full on russian and while i'm filming, i stay in russian the whole time i'm on set because it's easier. but yeah, russian is one of the hardest languages to learn, but thankfully i'm really into languages and can process them easier than most. i don't know what it is, but i'm thankful that i can do it. season two is going to be wild, because i'm going to be speaking a lot more russian, so hopefully those thirsty people in the comments are prepared for that. though, do you speak any other languages? or have you ever had any desire to learn any other languages?

wait, so you're full-on method acting? like are we talking just staying in the accent between takes, or the unhinged kind where people start leaving dead rats as gifts for you in character? because i'm trying to think of the russian equivalent of that, and i think it's like sniffing bread after taking a shot of vodka or refusing to whistle indoors because apparently in russia they think that brings financial ruin. so you better not have been whistling on set; otherwise, poof, there goes season two, and that would be on you. are you excited for season two though? because i need you to be excited so i can be excited and we can just be excited together about it. and languages — i mean, i can say "send nudes" in multiple languages, like envía fotos desnudo is how you'd say it in spanish, so technically i'm multilingual if you measure fluency by audacity. but nope, beyond that i'm very much a one language confuses me plenty as it is, kind of person. english is hard enough when you're trying to be funny and flirty at the same time. i don't need to add conjugation to my problems.

i think that's my favorite role to date and i that you love it as much as I do. a bad dimension? you know he was just playing the part of the beloved idol and king of rock and roll. is groupie still a thing? i know you have lots of fans that scream your name at shows but do you have people waiting outside or at hotel trying to get with you? you make it look fun and cute when you do it. we're in the same club of low morals then so we're going to get along great.

do you have a favorite scene though, you know, besides the anti-groupie propaganda one? because he also cheated on priscilla repeatedly so let's not canonize the man too quickly, just saying. and yup, all the time. i get the whole lurking outside the hotel thing constantly and i'm small and couldn't lift a — whatever people lift at the gym, i don't know, a dumbbell? a kettlebell? one of those aggressive-looking rope things? — so i'm not exactly fending anyone off with brute strength. but my bodyguard spots the stalkers and just gives them that sort of death stare where his eyes go completely dead and then poof, they're gone. thankfully. and i'm safe. works every time. you though? low morals? see i feel like i need to actually test that theory. or at the very least corrupt you a little. just to know what i'm working with before i commit to this friendship. think of it as a vibe check but with worse intentions.

I didn't even realize you held dog auditions, had I know maybe I would have thrown Dodger into the ring, he probably would have stolen everyone's hearts, that's for sure. Though, he's already a bit of a diva, I'm not sure I should put him into the spot like that and make him more of a diva. Oh, he's outshine me 100% so you're right I'm afraid of that. If he got attention, it would be like Chris Evans who? I heard he might know Dodger Evans or something. We can't have that.

okay wow, so you haven't hit the little notification bell to join team sabrina? because if you had, you would've known about the dog auditions, just like i know that you're holding thor's hammer when you're doing doomsday, but i guess your fansite's about to lose a follower now. no, i'm joking. or am i? you'll never know, and that's your punishment. dodger is literally me in dog form then, and he deserves to be treated like the diva he is by being put directly on my payroll. actually maybe instead of my album cover i'll just pop up with a new music video from that era and give him the starring role. and then people really will be saying chris who? because where are you? nowhere to be found. not in my music video. your dog is though. he's thriving. he's got wardrobe. he's got his own trailer. you're at home watching the premiere on your phone like everyone else. that's what you get for not turning on notifications.

If you're thinking Australia hates you, it's pretty clear what you need to do, and that's make good on it. Because having Australia love you is what you want, it's the best thing to have happen if you ask me. I'm not just saying this as an Australian, who believe Australian people are the best. But hearing your obsessed with the show and the accent of mine, well, that makes me feel pretty like I should be a little cocky or something. But got it, I'll be your Australian ambassador, I've always wanted an important role like that for someone. Can't have my country hate you, that would be a travesty, because I agree, far too pretty for that kind of stress. We'll make it good.

but what if i'm tired and my bones hurt from holding up a seventy-two show tour? will oz be there for me when i need my back rubbed? because cash is great, but i need something that makes sure i'm rested and fed too, you know? not just a "do a shoey on stage, and they'll love you" type of deal. i need actual care. be cocky all you want though — dominant men are better in my books anyway. good, so what's step one of this whole ambassador program? do i attend an afl game? have channel seven film me tragically trying to kick a football only for it to sail straight into the post while the entire country collectively winces? because i've got stamina but genuinely awful aim, and i feel like that's important to disclose upfront. or should i do a tim tam slam purely to test my gag reflexes? even though i obviously love chocolate, the only thing that could go wrong is me moaning on national television, which honestly might help the cause more than it hurts it.

i'm not even close to being shocked that you've got a spicy verse raring to go, and you're probably right that the people deserve it. and you've got me curious now too, love, so i'll just say whatever show you want to make it happen at, we'll make it happen and i'll pull you on stage for it. the crowd won't know what hit them. and i'll make sure my mum is no where to be seen. though the fact that my shorts have fan pages is making me laugh a little, that's mad. plus, you'll never get me to not be part of something that won't get taken wildly out of context, i do love when that happens.

exactly, and you've got all of the proper source material already — i mean, just look at 'pop.' you're practically my naughty little sidekick out here writing whole songs about blowjobs and i'm the measly assistant over here wanting to hop on a verse of your bicycle song so we can alert the masses about all the fun of putting something between your legs and calling it cardio. plus your mexico show had you soaking wet in the rain and honestly that just writes itself, i don't even have to try with you. thank god though, i genuinely need your mom to like me, you know? can't be giving her an early grave the second she hears what comes out of my mouth on that stage. we have to ease her into it. and of course your shorts have fan pages. probably millions of views too. got their own little army of short-appreciating, thirsty fans out there doing the lord's work and i respect every single one of them for their service. so you're actually in? when are your dates for the new york show? because i will rearrange my entire life for this and i'm not even being dramatic, i've already mentally cleared my schedule.

tell your mom that i love her dedication to the show and my family. khloe is indeed doing her own spin-off with her friends which will be amazing, let me tell you that. you know, in all honesty, i don't really mind that the focus will be on her this time. i don't really like being in front of those cameras too much. i do my part and show up here and there and do the interviews, but i'm more still the type that likes to keep her personal life as private as possible so i don't need people see what what the inside of my house looks like. it's why you mostly see me at my sisters' houses or my mom's. you've worked hard on your angles? ever thought about maybe doing some modelling? then you can definitely put that to good use and i'm pretty sure that the camera will love you. i can run that by khloe. i think she might feel honoured to have you run around her house or show up for lunch or dinner. or we could make it a surprise and when i plan to meet up with her and she's bringing the cameras along, i'll say that i'm bringing a friend and then you can show up.

says the girl who popped up twice on architectural digest, but okay sure, miss private life. you know what, though? i get it. not that i can speak for myself because everyone and their mother knows i'm loud and sparkly and incapable of entering a room without being noticed, but sometimes it's genuinely better to be the quiet sibling who slips in and out while everyone else is feeding the beast. respect. i did vogue world ages ago, and i know petite modeling is starting to be a whole thing now, which i would absolutely qualify for on account of being five foot nothing on a good day in heels, but honestly i'm so much better with a pen in my hand than trying to sell a bikini. like my talent is words, not smoldering — i'm going to leave the smoldering to the experts, aka literally your entire family. is there a shoot of yours that you love most, though? because i want details. and yes i can be suspenseful when i want to be, i'm very good at keeping secrets on the down low — think of it like a fun little lucky dip, but the prize is me showing up unannounced at your sister's house, so just pencil me in, and i'll handle the rest. she won't know what hit her, and by hit her i mean a very small blonde woman with a lot of energy.

even before you went into that full description of everything, i was thinking to myself, i bet she looked fantastic as wonder woman, so i'm glad you confirmed that to be true. i'm not here to talk you out of being with marvel or anything of the sort, but i will say that honestly, dc is the better side hands down, don't let anyone else tell you otherwise. dc is where it's at, alright? look at all the hotties over at dc? and i agree that we'd have great chemistry, and i think the height difference really would sell it, the posters would be epic. people seem to love my height difference with lois, so they'd love it even more with how short you are, so i'm game. if your going to call your agent, let them know that superman is fully onboard already too. so maybe that'll help the cause if they know that.

stop, you fully pictured me as a brunette, didn't you? that's so funny because my sister got that gene, and i just entirely missed it, so now i'm standing here with the lasso and the whole wonder woman get-up minus the one cosmetic detail that actually sells it. just a very blonde amazonian warrior and everyone's confused. and like rob pattinson, margot robbie, jason momoa — yeah, you guys clearly aren't hurting in the hotness department over there, i'll give you that much. how tall is rachel though? because i need to know exactly how much shorter i am before i commit to the bit. oh i'm sure they'll say yes — i mean, how do you say no to superman? that's literally an unhinged thing to do — but i am giving up a lot by crossing over to dc's dark side. like the mcu has doomsday and chris evans and wanda who is genuinely my favorite character ever. i want to be able to shift into a whole other reality with my little witchy woo woo powers, and instead you're asking me to trade that for what, a lasso that makes people tell the truth? babe, i already do that; it's called my discography.