John Mulaney, a true ADHD icon
“I normally don’t notice people. I zone out, constantly! Have you ever zoned out for a few minutes, I’ve been zoned out since 2014!
I just- all day long I wonder into traffic walking like Charlie Chaplin, listening to a podcast while thinking about a different podcast. [scattered laugheter]
I can zone out anywhere! I was at the doctors office he was reading me the results of a blood test. It was important I listened! And I zoned out!
I was like, ‘Nah. I’m gonna stare at the wall, and think my thoughts.’ I was like, ‘Huh. None of the Beatles had mustaches..’ [audience laughs] ‘..and then one day, all of them had mustaches!’ [more laughter] ‘That’s weird, I can’t think of a time a group has done that.’
Some people in my life don’t want me to zone out as much, they want me to focus! And they want me to be in the moment, and they want me to do this by meditating. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried meditating, but I’ve been trying it.
This is how you meditate, okay? You sit on the floor with your back perfectly straight, which I hate more than ISIS, [audience laughs] and then you take deep breath- I don’t. like. sitting. up. straight! Alright?! It’s never gonna happen!
If meditating was sitting hunched over on the toilet, with your elbow on your knee, while kinda looking at your phone… I’d be the Dalai Lama! [audience laughs] I don’t like sitting up straight.
So you sit up straight, and you breathe, and this helps you stay in the moment. Don’t bother! The moment is mediocre at best! [audience laughs] Yeah I mean, it’s fine! Let’s all try right now. Let’s all be in the moment in silence right now. [pauses for a fraction of a second] SUCKED right?! [more laughter] Not fun at all. That was boring!
You gotta zone out! You have an imagination! You have a movie theater in your brain! That plays fake arguments that you win! Ah! [audience laughs, light applause]
Have you ever just been sitting there, thinking about something for 20-25 minutes, and then all of a sudden you’re like ‘OH MY GOD I’m driving!’ and you remember [audience laughs] ‘I’m going SEVENTY FIVE. miles an HOUR! [audience laughs] I have been for a while! I could have changed so many lives!’ [more laughter]
Sometimes my wife- I have this wife- she’ll be like ‘Are you watching the road?’ And I’m always like ‘I am looking through the windshield.’ [audience laughs] ‘And I’m not gonna hit anyone. But no.’ [audience laughs] ‘I’m thinking about the Beatles.”
