I am in your bottom fridge drawer

Buried in a trash can with your legs sticking out is one of the most classic ways to be defeated

I think I'm just better at getting off than the pup. It always feels so good and I always feel so squirmy and fuzzy and stuff. My stomach fills with knots in such a pretty way. The pup could never, and I especially do it better than phanes. 🤭😘

scientists have recently announced that exoplanet HR 3499a is no longer believed to be potentially capable of supporting life, after new spectroscopic readings indicated that it doesn't even have a dishwasher. "i mean, it doesn't even have a fucking dishwasher," said the lead researcher. "I guess you could live there, but, like, would you really want to?"

if eating three balanced meals a day at regular times makes you gain weight then maybe you were meant to gain weight

What do I feed her in this…

But like genuinely. "humans have an innate need for spirituality" should be pretty transparently a reactionary opinion. It's simply not true and equates something that some people get benefit from with it being a fundamental aspect of being human (and one that is missing it most people today). You gonna start arguing "children *need* fathers or they grow up broken" next?

The most annoying part is when you try to push back on it and they respond by reframing mundane things such as making art or enjoying nature or participating in community as inherently ~spiritual~ experiences so they can say you only disagree because your concept of spirituality is too narrowminded and shaped by organized religion or some shit.

holy shit have you evver tried this new substance called album in order

I've been thinking about knowing someone with timestop powers. when you're with them sometimes your clothes shift in an odd way, like they've felt you up... they deny it, and it's not like you can prove it. sometimes, in public, the "wind" tugs at your clothes in odd ways, and sometimes you find yourself without panties that you're certain you remembered to put on... when you're with other friends, a shock goes through your body that almost brings you to climax. they just look at you too innocently and keeps up the conversation with the others. once, you taste something, and have to just swallow it so you don't make a scene. you're at home, alone, and then suddenly you're at a houseparty, naked, looking at 20 eager partygoers. a hand on your shoulder and another on your waist, you hear their voice tell the party, "I told you, she's a looker," before you appear back in bed, clothed, like nothing happened.

i love writing out numbers and then putting them in parentheses like "one (1)" even when i dont need to i think its funny

Wile E. Coyote, two milliseconds before he lights a match only to reveal he's surrounded by flammable traps he himself has set and the whole website explodes