Nope

I don’t know. But I don’t think it would have been better than this. And I know in that other lifestyle I led, where I went sober and I really dug deep into my failed relationship and my family history of how deeply fucked up my cousins and their narcissistic mother and my apologetic father and his whole family modeling this behavior of conceal don’t feel…

I would still be trapped in anxiety and in a pattern of feeling like I was never enough or could never stop trying so damn hard all the time.

I think I can verbalize it now, especially looking back at the notes of “feedback” people were giving me about my behavior and how they felt around me—that I wasn’t generous or kind. And how wrong they were about me. How them saying things like “I can’t hang out with you in group settings” as an ultimatum and a boundary was cruel and compartmentalized. That they were policing my behavior and treatment of other people without asking what’s happening or what’s wrong or why.

It was fucked up. We had all gone through so much together, I’ve been a good friend. But there was certainly a line to becoming a better friend. But this was not an evolution I could have safely with them. The friction was so apparent since the start of the pandemic. Since Jessica and I were getting closer and forming our own little crew, the communication lines I started. Since my slow metamorphosis away from the party hard, try hard, travel hard, monetize productivity, be cool be in the know, workaholic, girlboss. I needed to leave. We needed to drift. This was the moment to break my pattern and I did it.

Maybe I wouldn’t have done it if I was still in Brooklyn. Maybe Jackie would have left and I would have kept the apartment. I found that apartment anyway.

But what I do know is that I thought I was mirroring their behavior. I was, in a way. Their flakiness, their passive aggression, their inconsiderateness, their abandonment. And I saw how they treated others, and was subconsciously trying not to be left out. To be the C in the group and how they talked about her. How “getting better” looked like extroversion. I hate that trio so much, not just because of how I felt but who I became.

I’m so glad that I left Brooklyn. I’m so glad that I went through that. I carry that experience deeply. The change it catalyzed within me, and the truth it unveiled is priceless. I would have gone my whole life never knowing. Clinging to this group. Thinking I was only worthy of friendship on a solo level and I don’t know how to act in group settings. That even though I think I’m generous and kind I’m not actually that way because these people say so.

Fuck them. Fuck that. We needed to both be accountable and aware. Not just me. And the amount of pain and care I poured in, how deeply this hurt me, they will never understand. People stopped thinking about it after a month. This made me want to kms for most of 2024.

T’Pel redesign because I’m tired of all these damn bowl cuts (inspired by the snazzy up-dos from amok time)

Our favourite giant marshmallow and moody local turtle can both represent Verso and Clea.

I have a hunch that those two were the closest of all family members, they grew up together, played together, created the whole canvas together.

It's like when Esquie tells us Francois used to sing and play and go on many adventures with them. Until Clea grew up and her responsibilities and interests grew with her. She'd have retreated into her shell (like a turtle would).

I can picture her kicking Verso out whenever he invited her to play (older sibling things yk?), portraying herself as cold and as sturdy as a rock, while deep downs she's still just a softie (who wants to see the art of the world, collect fables, and have... fun).

It's a parallel to how Francois yells at Esquie to leave him alone, to stay on his side of the caves, only to then cry his little heart out when he sees the mini FranFran and Clea rock.

And all the while Esquie (and probably Verso with Clea) doesn't really take it to heart. He quotes, "Francois is just sad." He understands that this hard exterior is because their's a pain inside.

Verso would have 100% seen Clea in that same light. For us, as players, when we first meet her, we see her as harsh, cold. If Verso was sitting with us and heard us say that, he'd definitely just smile sadly and say the same thing Esquie said about Francois. "She's just carrying a lot."

And I actually believe that Clea loved Verso more and valued his sacrifice more than anyone else in the family did. But that's an analysis for some other time. (Maybe.)