I'm just a pile of garbage

Wet book rescue

Get ready for dis wisdom

1.) Put a fucking pillow under your ass. Raise that hole up. A butt hole isn’t a vagina, you gotta help that dick reach it.

2.) Missionary is your friend. Start on your back and then you can be adventurous and do dick cartwheels or whatever crazy karma sutra shit you wanna try.

3.) Distraction is fucking key. If you’re not ready to go full throttle dick plunge make your man be sneaky. Lick his ear, have him twist your titties. Idk wharever you’re into but FORGET about a sausage slamming into twizzler hole and let the gates open up by themselves.

4.) Dry dicks = rug burn inside your ass. wetter is better

5.) For fucks sakes take a giant shit before you get into bed. I don’t care how much you don’t think you’ll poop on his dick. You’re gonna poop on that dick. Porn is a lie.

6.) Once the dick is in, don’t feel like you gotta be fancy. Your butt hole isn’t Pink Floyd. It doesn’t need a light show. You can’t start out with all these magic tricks or your butt hole will GIVE UP. It can NOT sustain 30 minutes of pile driving while also doing kegels. RELAX YOUR FUCKING BUTT HOLE

7.) So you’re doing gr8. The dick is in. The poop is absent. Your butt hole isn’t trying to be a fucking gymnast. It’s time for the party tricks: 

- Sit on the dick WITH him also sitting up straight. Don’t let that fucker lay down. This is BUSINESS. When you are sitting ontop of him, you have complete control. Squeeze your entire body and push yourself UP AND AGAINST boy whose dick is inside of you. It is important that you push yourself up AND AGAINST said boy or his dick is gonna knock that spot that makes you wanna end it all. I don’t care what Harry Potter fan fic you read, a prostate isn’t a fucking clitoris. You can’t just bang that shit head on and expect to feel like your jizzing. It’s called a PROstate because you gotta leave that shit to the professionals. 

- Try doggy style while pushing back when he pushes forward. It makes him think you’re enjoying his dick ripping your beautiful ass hole into a gaping black hole. Also, squeeze like a mother fucker when pulling off the dick. Push back, squeeze forward. Got it? Great

8.) Okay so you’ve tried out some weird shit, you’re getting close to him popping his load. DON’T get fancy here. You had your chance, the time has past. It’s time to stay fucking put and squeeze that asshole until he is done. You don’t have all fucking day. You’re a busy bitch. Hurry that bitch up. 

9.) Don’t let that fucker cum in your asshole unless you are prepared to shit it out. NOBODY TELLS YOU WHAT SEMEN DIARRHEA IS GONNA BE LIKE. IT’S LOUD AND FULL OF PAIN. Tops are demons, don’t let them sin inside you.

me: **growls really hard**

jeff: its ok theyre just jealous babe…

me: i know jeff, i know

slendy: **slaps my fat juicy ass**

me: NOT NOW SLENDY JEFF AND I ARE HAVING A MOMENT

slendy: youre so boring **murders a whole family**

me: **sighs**

police: **en route**

Chorus

Jolene (×4)

I’m begging of you please don’t take my man

Jolene (x4)

Please don’t take him just because you can

Verse One

Your beauty is beyond compare

With flaming locks of auburn hair

With ivory skin

And eyes of emerald green

For years our town’s been terrorised

By the beast who takes disguise

In the shell

That calls itself Jolene

Our sleep disturbed by quaking breath

Eyes closed against the thread of death

That lies behind

The teeth of that Jolene

The closer that you get to her

The more those edges seem to blur

To something that

Cannot be called Jolene

Chorus

Verse Two

Your teeth are sharp, your mouth agape

Your claws rend flesh, there’s no escape

From judgement of

The Eldritch One, Jolene

But I’ve seen beyond that auburn hair

My eyes have met your vacant stare

And I’ve been told

I’m hard to scare, Jolene

Chorus but it’s:

Jolene (x4)

I’m begging of you please don’t take my man

Jolene (x4)

I’ll end this story just how it began

I’ll take your teeth if you try to take my man

End.

Bystander: “Wait, you-”

And because he was also bred to retrieve he brings me Useful Items all day such as shoes, dirty socks, spoons, any hat left within dog reach, many many sticks, and pieces of paper (because humans love pieces of paper):

Teachers when a child shows a single ounce of individuality or creativity: