-Get Elf Ass-

I like when fic length/book length/movie length is its own punchline

my fav relationship ship dynamic is where it doesn't matter if you call it platonic or romantic or queerplatonic because they always act the same in every type of relationship. and the way they act? fucking weird.

Two animals who appreciate the Warm Lamp

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"nothing is real atoms never touch each other youve never touched anything in your life" ok. well when i pet my dog he is soft and when he licks my hand it is wet and that is far more real to me than whatevers going on at an atomic level

what my atoms are doing is their fucking business man i'm busy trying to stop my dog from eating tissues directly out of the box

and when you put your hand on your dog the universe does not know that you are separate. the song expands to hold you both.

ive talked about being too high for things before but this is like.  next level

opened the reblog editor to say the mom is obviously Carmen Sandiego but then realized I have zero justification for that whatsoever I’m just going off of vibes

I mean I always shipped Waldo of Where’s Waldo with Carmen Sandiego, and if you combine the respective outfits of both and whatever deranged bullshit Waldo was on, I can see them producing twin Clown Princes of Crime and Corporations.

imagine just saying “i always shipped waldo of where’s waldo with carmen sandiego” with no explanation whatsoever

what explanation could they need? they found each other.

so it turns out that time actually does go by faster as you get older. just like how adults told me it would when i was younger. pisses me off

whenever a young kid joins our staff at work im just like huh. guess im a father now.

these kids will be like “can you drive me home? i don’t have gas money but-” and im already pullin out my keys and am like. sweetheart, you are a child. i am not charging a child gas money.

i literally almost lunged across the counter to throw hands with some old hag who yelled at and insulted one of our 16 y/o girls but instead i threw her sandwich at her and told her to never fucking come back

old dudes will flirt with our young girls too and i’ll be like ay man this is a truck stop, normal customer service rules dont apply here. i can and will call the cops on you.

im the only manager that actively tells them to steal food because these are teenagers and they are HUNGRY

You are the only valid manager

this is kind of hilarious to me because this made it seem like OP was at least mid to late 20s but they’re 19

this post somehow got even better

“maybe men wouldn’t fall down the alt right pipeline so easily if feminists were nicer” yesss women famously got our rights by saying “pretty please? 🥺 with a cherry on top? 🥺🥺🥺” and the men were really nice and said “omg yes of course 🫰🏻”

since this is picking up some traction i want to say that this is not terf safe please leave me and trans women alone forever

prophecy class cancelled due to foreseen circumstances