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will never understand kids who yell at their parents because they bought them iphone 11 and not iphone 14.
because mai nokia ka keypad chala rahi hu.
like some of yall had unconditional love and support from your parents who never made you feel as if you didnt deserve anything and it shows.
kyuki mere ghar pe toh har ek cheez conditional h. marks acche nahi aaye toh bahar se accha khana deserve ni karte, naye kapde deserve ni karte, doston se baat karna deserve ni karte, abey aur toh aur "tution nahi bhejenge kyuki tum education ke layak hii nahi ho" (which is what i get to hear after asking to join a tution for the first time in my life in 11th grade).
like kabhi kabar lagta h ki aisi hii zindagi honi thi toh kyu 1st se 8th tak jee jaan lagake mehnat karke hamesha full marks laayi mai? uski appreciation kabhi di nahi, vo ab ho nahi raha toh sunne ko bhot milta h. saala uss time ye sab chodhke thoda jee hii liya hota, atleast life ka ek part toh khushi se nikalta. ab lag raha h 16 saal ki zindagi toh barbad hii kardi maine. uss time ki mehnat ab matter ni karti, par ab mehnat ho nahi rahi h.
it just...gets unbearable to watch other people living their life after a while ya know? like you look at people who are going out, having fun with their friends, doing what they love, having good relationships with their family, and just, like their problems are so much different? they may not have their life together either, but you envy them because you don't have the privilege to do the same as them, because you know you're the one to blame for the subjects you chose, the life you chose. you see them actually living, and realise that youre still stuck in a loop, waiting for your life to begin, as you have for as long as you have been alive.
a couple days back one of my friends adopted a dog and i had a breakdown over it because....ye toh mai bhi deserve karti hu na yaar. mujhe kab milega ye? kabhi milega bhi? abhi tak toh nahi mila. aur ab toh milne ke chances bhi itne kam hain kyuki dena mujhe JEE h.
you can't help but feel hopeless.
pehle lagta tha jab kuch bhi sahi nahi tha ki....koi nahi, atleast academics ho raha h. atleast acche dost hain ab bhi. atleast ek acche future ka prospect h.
and then you lose it all. nothing to comfort you. nothing to make you feel as if atleast one thing in your life is going right, because it isn't. because your life is just one huge black hole now sucking away your happiness, your sense of identity. mujhe khud nahi pata mai kon hu. ab toh dost bhi chutne lage hain.
like, outwardly yes ill work hard and get out of this, but what then? people say "it's just 2 years uske baad sab bhot easy hoga" but what they don't understand is that it's not just 2 years. ive worked hard my entire life, and im sick of the constant guilt, constant expectations, constant pressure. i dont know if i have it in myself to hold on for 2 years more.
fir agar tumhare coping mechanisms maladaptive daydreaming and internet addiction h then toh hogya bas tumhara.
i could go on for a millennia with this rant. abhi toh family trauma bhi touch nahi kiya h. but then that will just be another proof of "yes, here's another thing going wrong in your life"
like, i have to remind myself each day that i dont have anything to be shameful about, i dont have anything that i dont deserve. love shouldnt be conditional. support shouldnt be conditional. especially if love and support are from your family and if they are based on a handful of figures.
like if at this point if i go and start doing drugs and alcohol to get some relief then can my parents blame me? but i cant do that, because guilt!
when will this end? i just wanna sleep.
par sone ke liye 5 min shanti se letna padta h and mai apne khudke thoughts tolerate kar paane ki ability kho chuki hu.
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"yaar dost ho na ho, hum hamesha rahenge" toh ghar vaale bhi bolte hain, aur "ghar waale kaise bhi ho, hum hamesha rahenge" toh dost bhi bolte hain, but bc time aane pe rehta koi nahi h.
kaam toh 3 am pe bathroom mein crying session hii aata h na.
it just takes a while for your memories to return.
watched spirited away yesterday, what a wholesome film full of childlike innocence and goodness in the characters. love the little details and open ends free for interpretation. studio ghibli really be making me believe in life.
the act of offering someone the most random thing to make them happy is so wonderful. going the wrong way on your way to them to pluck some flowers and watch their face light up as they realize its for them and mumble a surprised, "oh, thank you!" is lovely. even if it lasts only a second, even if you find that flower on the ground two hours later. that one flash of happiness, and knowing it was because of you makes the day worth living.
what they don't tell you about maladaptive daydreaming is that every once in a while when you're imagining a convo with some therapist or your best friend or someone you care about to comfort yourself and it's working wonderfully, you get the soul crushing realization that you're alone. the words your imaginary people said were nothing more than what you wanted someone to say to you. you've been pacing round your room saying what you wanted to hear to your own self because you have no one who'll say them to you as you're crying into their chest.
do you suddenly become socially anxious to the point you just wanna dig a hole in the ground and bury yourself right around your birthday or are you normal?
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i enjoy the simple things in life like sleeping, daydreaming, ignoring reality, listening to music, being delusional, recklessly spending my cash, being a disappointment to my family and eating fruits
Anya is live and ready to show you everything. Watch her strip, dance, and perform exclusive shows just for you. Interact in real-time and make your fantasies come true.
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Free to watch • No registration required • HD streaming
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