when it feels like the rest of the world is rejecting me for being a sensitive enthusiast annoying manic pixie whatever…

i wish i had more of a community on here

sometimes it’s just hard not to be like “damn i’m too annoying for the ‘we love annoying’ website”

there’s sooo many reasons to be grateful to be a 0 note blogger, and so many ways that i should be a better member of the community here myself, so this is just a vent post to explore that conflicted feeling.

i know i’m not alone in this feeling and at the end of the day, there are communities i feel at home in. it’s just kinda weird that in those irl communities, im the defacto tumblrina. they know its my primary place to scroll, they know me as someone who’s niche insight helps them understand other people who’s behavior seems strange. it’s been really gratifying to be part of these communities!! but it just feels strange after years of being the irl “weird girl” who was excluded by any larger group of girls.

it’s also!!! very weird that now, my primary circle is almost all women who are used to being popular.* it took a awhile for me to learn how to be apart of conversations with them, but now i’m one of the girliepops and there’s so much love there that what was supposed to be a quick gig before moving states has now lasted 2 years. now i’m finally going to make that move and im going to loose that.

there are going to be more amazing people in my new home and it will probably take some time to find them. i know that being lonely for a while is going to be okay. i know that even if i did have a richer community here online, i’d still long for an irl community there.

i think that original feeling this post started with is more about how posting sometimes it feels like yelling into a void. it can be cathartic, sure. it’s not very helpful for growth tho. one of my annoying traits online is that i yap in the tags, a lot. usually this gets absolutely no response, sometimes it gets a #prev and im filled with joy to last the week. recently tho, i had my first instance of a totally stranger reblogging an oldish post just to say that my tags were the dumbest take ever. lucky for my ego, they said something that made it clear their takeaway was the direct opposite of what i intended to say**. so i messaged them! basically said that i believed our core values were similar, clarified what i meant, and that if they still thought my opinion was awful i’d like to hear why. they never replied

later i had a verbal conversation with a friend who understood my opinion and why someone might think it’s stupid. and my opinion shifted! i didn’t fully agree with the person calling me stupid, but now i could see the danger that they were scared of.

so yeah like, in many ways im okay not being noticed on here because it seems a common occurrence to have someone else’s misinterpretations held against you.

in many other ways tho, i yearn for that!!! within my irl communities, big misunderstandings are an opportunity to create deeper understanding and little misunderstanding are opportunities for jokes. im sure there are parts of tumblr where that’s true, but its way easier to just unfollow and move on. hell that’s what i do.

we’re all just individuals who happen to be on the same website, we don’t owe eachother a permanence just because we both read homestuck in middle school. its still sad to loose connection to people who went through those years with me. even if the only real connection was showing up in eachother’s notifications tab. there’s usernames i see less and less and ones i dont see at all. i still look for them. and i wonder if they’re spending less time on here, if they aren’t interested in similar things now, and i really wonder if something i said/reblogged hurt/disgusted/annoyed them enough to unfollow.

idk i guess sometimes it would be nice if there was a way to drop a “huh?” on a post instead of a “like”

*not to say they were all #1 prom queen, but they’re generally social people who know how to fit into large group dynamics. and they’re all smoking hot babes too!!!!

**the original post was about mamdani bending to centralism after being elected. someone said this is why we need “a real working class socialist party.” in my tags i agreed, with the caveat that imo branding a political party to a specific class drives off voters who don’t consider themselves working class. i wrote that middle managers are critical people to have on your side to introduce socialist policies to most workplaces. the user who called this dumb said “you want to call it the management class??” my point was to take class out of the name and just call it The Socialist Party.*** the danger of this is without a name specific to the working class, it’s easier for elected politicians to drift from supporting the labor force to the shareholders. at this point it becomes a bit of a catch22 because we’d first have to get those politicians elected before they’d be able to abandon their beliefs

***actually imo Progressive Party is a better name. that’s the branding mamdani won with because the word “socialism” has been poisoned. even if older voters agree with everything it stands for, they’ll still run. gotta turn flouride into t-dazzle

*****there’s no way anyone read all this but writing it helped

ps: i know in all likelihood what ive said isn’t really anything remotely worth feeling much less saying. in its core a lot of this feeling is just a complicated rationale behind being a lil sad that the art pics and selfie both got no notes and that’s just kinda dumb. i get it, i was a fandom blog for a long time so most of the accounts that i used to interact with have either logged off or just have different interests. and those who do still interact with this blog see it as just a small piece in this larger stream of entertainment and information.

ive been thinking about logging off for a while. i’ve gotten off of twitter and youtube and have been trying to hone my instagram and facebook back to the original idea of being able to see what’s up with people you know and things in ur area. ive taken a few years off of tumblr before but i had t gone without some kind of infinite scroll of jokes and horror stories until i got stuck in another stupid loop of needing my old, broken, unusable phone to set up the new one. and then, for a week, i was free. it was kind of amazing!!! like it sucked ass a lot (losing the bus app especially) but yeah it might be time to stupidify my iphone.

these feelings are usually a lot smaller, but the move and far too many other things have just made ~~~my journey~~ a solo one for now. means i get to move how i want to, i’ll be a little lonely, but i get to walk a little faster