yours truly

I don’t think I will ever feel the happiness I deserve.

I just so desperately want to be held by the guy I’m in love with but that will never happen.

I’m so stupid for getting attached and falling in love with a guy over the internet when we will probably never meet. I hate myself so much. I hate my life so much. I ruined my life. I can’t sleep without getting violently high. I just want to curl up in a dark corner and never leave.

I’m just so fucking horny😭. I’m a virgin, never been in a relationship, and never even kissed someone. I desperately need to experience this. I hate being a loner. I also don’t even know if I’m bi or lesbian or just straight. I wish someone would just kiss me. Please.

It’s such a suffocating feeling knowing I will never be a happy girl with friends and just overall feeling at least okay with her life. I hate that I will never be able to change any of this. It’s all ruined and cannot be fixed. I can’t go back in time and do something. I can’t ever get my childhood or teen years back. They were all a waste. I will never have any happy childhood memories or friends to look back on.

It’s my 20th birthday and I don’t know how to feel. I got high and drunk to not have to be present for this day. It brings up so many emotions that I don’t want to feel.

I turn twenty in one day. I have never felt more sick in my life. I don’t want to grow up. I feel like my teen years were all ruined and I will never get them back. I have no good memories to look back on and anything. All I have is pain and suffering. I did nothing in my teen years or childhood. I don’t want to turn twenty because then there is no going back to being a teen. I will never be a teen again. I just want those years back. I feel so stuck right now. I’m crying writing this because I’m at college and I don’t have any friends and I feel so alone. I just want to go home but I don’t even have a home go return to. I just want to feel comforted but all I feel is sick. I don’t want to do this anymore things won’t get better. And no one even cares about me.

I was sorry before I was even born.

I will never know what it feels like to be happy. I will die without ever feeling happy and not suffocated by the immense sadness and loneliness I feel everyday.

The suffocating thought that no one actually cared or cares about you. No one bothers to check in no one texts no one cares. No one knows how bad it is and they don’t care. There’s no point.

Longing for a different reality everyday and being suffocated by a feeling of bittersweet nostalgia of things that never happened.

I can’t let go of the image that everything could have been different.

being a girl is looking back at pictures of your younger self and remembering how fat you though you looked at the time and the comments your family would make about the way you looked and realizing that I looked beautiful then and it lead me to feel so poorly about oneself and ruined the image of yourself in your head and lead you to go down a deep spiral and now you do look bad and you actually were pretty then and no one should have been making those comments. Anyway I get so sad looking at pictures of my younger self and realizing what she had to go through and how she was just a kid and that she deserved so much better.