It's time to change

So.. Today I did my first boxing class. The greenest of the green.. Within the first 5 minutes I knew I was in trouble. I loved the class but I realized how incredibly out of shape I am. 10 minutes into jump roping I was extremely winded. Within 5 minutes of bag work I was dizzy and nauseous.. Could barely keep up. But I felt like I learned something.. This is the first step to a happier (more bad ass me).. I am super pumped and I can't wait to not suck! Next step gear. Beginner gear of course. Also exciting. Gotta stick with this.

Last night's meal prep!! First time for me. Usually lunch was taco bell or Wendy's

Today my motive is to stay extremely positive. I have people in my life that truly want me to succeed and I have to do this for them as much as myself. I'm feeling good and I'm concentrated on work and bettering myself. I have stayed on track with my diet and I am making healthy lunch choices at work. Staying within the 250 calorie limit for lunch. Today is going to be a good day. I can't wait to check out the gym with my friend when I get off work. I am going to sweat and feel like crap and take myself out of my comfort zone. Out of my own head for awhile. Shit is going to be OK! :)

Maintaining my diet yesterday was extremely difficult. I was having issues with my ex and I felt extremely depressed and sad. I still managed not to eat as bad as I usually do when I am upset but I did have a few beers more than I wanted and I had a sandwich later than I wanted as I began a Netflix binge of Louie one of my favorite shows. I felt better but not great. Today I'm going to do a solid hour in the gym when I get off work and I'm hoping today my mood will pick up. So far I feel a bit better than I did at least and I remembered to bring my healthy pre cooked lunch today! So that's a major plus. See ya after work out :)

Today was really hard for me. I came out on social media with my most embarassing self conciousness, I never talk about it, I don't think i've ever done more than merely mention or joke with friends maybe in person maybe 2 people in the last 6 years. This is out there for everyone to see. Part of me thought everyone would judge me. Make me feel stupid for it.. I didn't honestly believe that but that's how I always treat myself. Everyone was so supportive.. It made me cry so much. It's like (no pun intended) I got a huge weight off my chest, and now everyone knows that I've been really struggling with this issue and despite my funny demeanor or the way I can quip my way out of seeming to care, I am actually in pain. This is a big deal for me, today was a huge deal and I feel like I can finally move on with it already. I'm going to the store next to pick up things I really should've already had on me for a long time. Scales some body tape and journal. So i can jot things down quickly and keep up with myself on the fly. I know this much I am super hungry but I already feel very good knowing I'm under my calorie goals for the day as of now still and I have good real food to eat at home ready to go for me. This is it. I'm really doing this... and I will update this blog every day, this is the last piece I need to feel good about myself once and for all.

I folded and i bought a pack of cigarettes, I did some things to myself that stressed me out so bad and I craved to self medicate. Ok. I can't let this fuck me up. I have to stay positive. I can do this. I can put these down. Today start the clock again.

Ok, I'm not feeling sick because of a diet or anything and I haven't even worked out yet, I've felt a sharp stabbing pain in my upper stomache since about noon yesterday anyways. This has been common for me for at least the past 2 years now. I do not know what causes it I only know it is painful and a sharp dull pain that hits me right in what feels like the top of my stomache and usually takes a day or so to go away. I'm sure it has something to do with a terrible diet and probably even more to do with cigarette withdrawls. I'm fighting through it right now to eat breakfast. Just another huge stressor that makes me wanna push to change my life. I don't want to feel sick anymore. Everytime I wake up it seems I feel this tired sick feeling now a days. I never feel motivated to get up and do anything. The physical pain doesn't help. I am still in high hopes for the day however! I said I want to make changes and I am doing them! I will update this blog every day even if I don't meet goals. I want to keep up with myself from now on. Today I woke up later than I wanted to start because I had to pick my brother up from his job right in the middle of my sleep cycle, So I didn't sleep very well. But it's ok I didn't have time to make myself a lunch today which is pretty disappointing but I did manager to grab a quick healthy breakfast, Oats, half a banana and a splenda with Green Tea non sweetened to drink ^_^ Gonna give it my best today and fight through discouragement. Here goes!