#beginninganew

Help!

Ok, I'm not feeling sick because of a diet or anything and I haven't even worked out yet, I've felt a sharp stabbing pain in my upper stomache since about noon yesterday anyways. This has been common for me for at least the past 2 years now. I do not know what causes it I only know it is painful and a sharp dull pain that hits me right in what feels like the top of my stomache and usually takes a day or so to go away. I'm sure it has something to do with a terrible diet and probably even more to do with cigarette withdrawls. I'm fighting through it right now to eat breakfast. Just another huge stressor that makes me wanna push to change my life. I don't want to feel sick anymore. Everytime I wake up it seems I feel this tired sick feeling now a days. I never feel motivated to get up and do anything. The physical pain doesn't help. I am still in high hopes for the day however! I said I want to make changes and I am doing them! I will update this blog every day even if I don't meet goals. I want to keep up with myself from now on. Today I woke up later than I wanted to start because I had to pick my brother up from his job right in the middle of my sleep cycle, So I didn't sleep very well. But it's ok I didn't have time to make myself a lunch today which is pretty disappointing but I did manager to grab a quick healthy breakfast, Oats, half a banana and a splenda with Green Tea non sweetened to drink ^_^ Gonna give it my best today and fight through discouragement. Here goes!

I'm sitting at my computer it's 8:52. I am miserable. I have been for many many years. I have just been through a breakup about a week ago. It was very strenuous and hard, especially hard on me. My heart was broken and I did what seems to be the norm now.. I ate all of my feelings. I ate whatever whenever I wanted to and I got too full and I again sit here and I hate myself. I can't help but believe that part of the reason I have such problems maintaining a healthy relationship is because of my weight. It hinders me, my self confidence, my love liffe and my self esteem.. But even all that aside, I can't expect someone to be attracted to me for long before my weight becomes an embarassing issue in one way or another. I don't feel beautiful anymore. I used to... I was looking at old pictures of myself, when I feel like I had some self confidence. I was shocked. I am shocked. I can't even recognize my own face anymore. All of my clothes are uncomfortable and tight. Everything stretches and pulls the wrong way. No matter what I do I feel like I look unflattering. In my old pictures I know I was still overweight, but even those pictures look like a more attractive version of myself that I have become a far cry from. Tonight I'm making a change. I am going to change who I am and how I live. I can't be this miserable and ashamed of my body anymore. Three days ago I quit smoking. Cold turkey, I am 30 years old. I began smoking when I was 16. This has been a big problem for me as well. I find it's hardest when I am at work or stressed out but I need to do this if I'm ever going to change anything else about my body. I must be able to breathe. I am going to keep this blog up to document my journey, the hard days the good days and everything in between. My wish is to someday revisit this journal and remember just how low I was when I started and push myself more and more each day to become a happy healthier more confident person. The person I knew I could be. The person I idealize in my mind. This is the start.. Everyone must start somewhere. Why not here. I'm going to post some pictures that I saw that pretty much make me feel bad about myself now. They're not flattering, but that's the point. I need to stop seeing myself the way I want to and start really accepting that I need to change myself.

I wrote an article about modifying and experimenting with the Plum Village practice of Beginning Anew within a romantic relationship for the Wake Up Int'l blog.