Sam

I have two friends where I currently live, and I don’t want to leave because my dads so sick and it’s too much for my mom to do alone. So I have severe separation anxiety this last few months.

And having $700 to pay rent, bills, food, and my medication that isn’t covered. Doesn’t allow much for joyful purchases, or escapism.

Seeing my sister and our friends going camping, and having fun. And my best friend is going to visit our mutual best friend. And train tickets aren’t cheap, so I couldn’t afford to go be with them.

It’s lonely seeing all the people I love go out and go for drinks, camping, and all those things I used to do sucks. It’s hard. And my siblings aren’t even around, so I’m the only kid my parents can rely on.

And I am sick mentally and physically, so it’s even more draining. And they don’t realize how lucky they are to experience these emotions of losing our dad far away, and not living in the house.

And when I remember how he made a post on a dating board about how I was denying him this and that, and I was out of town for at least a week and he was looking for fun, no strings attached in our bed. Like, that’s malicious and fucked up.

And the fact he gaslit me into believing it wasn’t real and everything else, makes it hard to heal. Because I don’t trust myself. I don’t trust myself because of all the things I didn’t see, believe, and was lied to about.

No matter how unhappy I was, I never sought out comfort from a stranger or others by cheating. And I made sure he knew it was medical issues and trauma, not that I wasn’t attracted to him or didn’t want to be with him that way.

My dad had 3 surgeries on his kidneys, one died, one is functioning at 10% and he had a massive heart attack. All in the last 2 weeks, we are prepping him palliative care. Just keeping him comfortable.

So as mindless thing I started watching Vanderpump Rules, and I didn’t want to pay for the Hayu subscription. So in Feb I watched season 3-10. And seeing Katie, who is not a perfect victim, who suffered from PTSD and TBI from falling through a skylight and be in a relationship with someone like my ex has been very triggering for me.

But seeing Katie’s growth has really inspired me. As someone with ptsd, bpd, clinical depression, adhd, and chronic pain. And being in an abusive relationship with someone who saw me at my lowest and took advantage but couldn’t handle when I decided to start healing myself and putting me first and coming out my fog from a manic bpd episode caused by trauma from my hysterectomy.

My ex cheated, he lied, he gaslit me, he was awful to me but he was the Schwartz type. So good at making you think oh, he’s just a poor awkward puppy. But he had a dark side, the things he would say in heat of moments or even out of no where was insane to me and genuinely scared me. And I had never been in a relationship with someone like that. It was terrifying in hind sight. Seeing someone say they love me to treating me how Schwartz would Katie and then yell she deserved it because she was being tequila Katie.

When I watch Katie, I see with the right support system, with patience, and self love. I can heal from those things, I can move forward. I will find joy again, I will be able to accept the mistakes I’ve made and grow from them. Even if others want to throw my mistakes in my face.