I might be a Wizard

“Tell me what you need, Sammy”

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Part One Here

Part Two Here

Part Three Here

Characters: Sam, Dean

Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 2,200

Rating: PG; Nothing scandalous here.

Summary: 11.17 Tag, Red Meat.  The severity of Sam’s ordeal finally catch up to the Winchesters.

Author’s Note: I’ve had dozens of plot bunnies for a tag from ‘Red Meat’ and after struggle to combine them all into one cohesive story. 

Author’s Note 2: So the word limit went right out the window, and the ideas keep coming, so I’m just going with it.  Thanks for reading!

Dean would have gladly done a second stint in Purgatory if it meant Sam’s suffering would end.

Sam had gotten shot clear across the country from the bunker, and the drive home is as brutal as it is long. Every pothole, rough stop and lane change is torturous, Dean knows.

His little brother internalizes pain like fuel, but abdominal injuries are different. Even with painkillers, it quickly becomes too much. The strong antibiotics combined with the rocking of the car have added nausea to the post-surgical, post-hunt agony.

Sam slinks out of the rest-stop bathroom, fingers trailing on the rock brick wall for support as he weaves towards the car. His hair is stringy and dark from dampness, and Dean can’t tell if it’s because he’s sweating from fever or if he’d splashed water on his face in the bathroom after throwing up again.

Dean leans against the hood of the car, hands clenched in his pockets and forces himself not to help. Sam would only shrug it off.

He sees the dread in Sam’s face though, his cheeks somehow fading to an even starker shade of white as he prepares for the agony of cramming himself inside of the Impala. He’s already popped two stitches.

Part One Here

Characters: Sam, Dean

Genre: Gen, Hurt/Comfort

Word Count: 400

Rating: PG

Summary: Missing Scene for 11.17, Red Meat.

Author’s Note: I’ve had dozens of plot bunnies for a tag from ‘Red Meat’ and after struggle to combine them all into one cohesive story, I decided to have fun with it and turn it into a writing challenge!  Each entry must be 400 words or less and should read like a complete story that detail the aftermath of that terrible hunt.  Though all stories can stand alone, they can be read in order: Here is Part One

Thanks for reading!

Feel free to join The Red Meat Writing Challenge. Use the Tag: RedMeat400 to share your work.  

The world that had once been a constant and treacherous assault is now a gauzy blur of shuttered, dreamy light.  The searing pain that had he’d endured for so long is blessedly blunted.  Exhaustion is woven into his joints and soul, like the invasive roots of a tree, and that actually aches more than the wound.  Sam sinks into the cocoon of warmth he thought he’d never experience again, and tries to sleep. 

A calloused hand settles on his arm.  The touch is a worryingly gentle departure from Dean’s usual gruff-and-grab.

Sam’s eyes seep open, fluttering in a feeble effort to focus.  He lavishes in the well-known lines of Dean’s shadowed profile.  Neither Winchester speaks.  They don’t need to.  They’re together, and that’s always been enough.  

Reality lingers on the fringes, outside of the pleasant cushion of painkillers and the charged quiet of the hospital room.  

“I would’ve carried you,” Dean’s voice rumbles with conviction.  His hands are clasped, knuckles bruised and bloody.  Sam sees the tightness in his shoulders as they try to carry the anvilous weight of the past day.  "I would’ve built that litter, and put Michelle on my back, and hauled us out of those damned woods.“  

Sam manages a voiceless, "I know.”

Dean turns to him, but his gaze only reaches the bulge of bandages over Sam’s belly.  The bullet hadn’t breached the abdominal wall.  A few centimeters deeper, a few more hours without medical care, and death would’ve claimed Sam once and for all. 

"I never should have left you alone with him.  I would’ve ripped Corbin apart limb by limb if I knew what he’d…” He swipes a hand over his mouth, and looks old, scared.  “I don’t know how you survived.”

The crazy thing is Sam doesn’t either.

He taps Dean’s hand with the tip of a finger until he finally looks at him, all silver-eyed and quivering chin, and offers the barest of smiles, “No hipster’s gonna take me out.”

Dean snorts with short-lived laughter before he wilts, brooding again.  Sam reminds himself to find out what Dean did when he thought he was dead, and that this is Dean’s nightmare too.   

I had to look out for you. That’s my job.

sam not eating or sleeping because he doesn’t want to waste any time in finding dean, literally has grown a depression beard

“why would he say yes to you?” “love”

“if it meant finding dean, i’d do anything”

sam literally shaving his beard bc dean hated it

dean interrupting himself midsentence to say “wow” when he sees sam cleanshaven again

dean comparing sam to a pretty girl – “soft delicate features, luxurious hair”

just say you think he’s pretty and go, dean

sam hates halloween? clearly, the solution to that is to dress up in couple’s costumes

“he’s our kid” 

yeah, they’re raising a kid together, what a totally normal brother thing to do

sam knowing dean so well that he had no trouble navigating dean’s mind and helping him come out of michael’s control

“poughkeepsie” “i remember”

dean hugging sam from behind because he knows he won’t see him again but he can’t leave without saying goodbye, and he can’t look at sam because if sam sees his face he’ll know

sam knowing anyway and following dean

“i love you for trying”

“you’re the only one who can talk me out of it”

dean not wanting to say goodbye to anybody but trying to say it to sam anyway

dean calling out for sam even in his nightmares

“mr. winchester… and the other mr. winchester” way to make them sound like a married couple, cas

“i believe in us, dean. why don’t you believe in us, too?”

and yep, that’s all it took, dean changed his mind

both of them clinging to each other, dean holding sam, sam clutching dean’s jacket and crying into his shoulder

“let’s go home”

As promised, here’s the Sam-style-hugs analysis/expansion to this post! Hope you’re all looking forward to some serious rambling. (thanks @jbt111886 for the inspiration!)

So, let’s jump right into it!

The first time Sam goes in for a hug is in 3x11, Mystery Spot, and if that isn’t a tackle-hug then I don’t know what is.

Dean doesn’t even know what hit him. Notice also how Sam throws both his arms around Dean’s neck, when it’s usually the other way around? Well, I say “usually”, but let’s go into more detail here because why the hell not. I’ve pointed out in a different post that Dean actually initiates most of the hugs we get to see (death/injury-hugs and heaven/memory-hugs excluded), and he also likes to go all big-brother and Sam, make himself as big and protective as possible, and have his arms over and around Sam’s shoulders. And even when it’s Sam who initiates the hug, as long as Dean knows that there’s a hug about to happen, he’ll have at least one arm on top. In Mystery Spot, he has no idea what’s coming, and Sam is free to tackle-glomp-hug him, basically throw himself at Dean, and be the protective one for once. Which, I feel, is very understandable given what he’s just been through. Another thing that amazes me about this hug is that Sam somehow manages to look like an impenetrable barrier between Dean and every possible imaginable danger, but at the same time so damn vulnerable, clinging to Dean like there’s no fricking tomorrow.

I also want to point out that, even though Dean is confused as all hell and has no idea what’s gotten into Sam, he just hugs Sam back and lets him do his thing, waiting for Sam to move away first because it’s obvious that Sam needs that right now.

Okay let’s move on.

The very next hug we get is 4x01, Lazarus Rising. Now, for some reason I always thought that this one was an instance where they both went in for the hug at the same time, but re-watching and giffing it I realized that it’s actually another Sam-hug. Look here:

Dean’s just standing there, waiting for the penny to drop for Sam, and when it does, well. There goes Sam, throwing himself at Dean again. But this time Dean knows very well what’s coming so they end up with both of them having one arm over and one under. And I think this is the most mutual clinging and rib-crushing hug we got so far? I mean look how they’re already all tangled up in each other and then Dean clutches Sam’s shoulder and pulls him even closer.

And again, Dean just holds Sam until Sam pulls away.

Moving on, the next hug we get is in 5x16, Dark side of the Moon. It’s another Sam-hug, and it’s a memory that we see in Dean’s (or actually Sam and Dean’s) heaven, and I won’t go into too much detail on this one but I want to point out that it’s Sam who hugs Dean, and it’s also Sam who let’s go first.

Two hugs later and it’s 6x12, Like a Virgin, and Sam just got his soul back. For a second while writing this I was tempted to call this one the most intense and desperate Sam-hug, but then I remembered 3x11 and 14x12 so.. scratch that. But Look At This:

See how the moment Dean hugs him back, Sam almost breaks down then and there? Cause I see it and it makes me c r y. From Sam’s POV, he only threw himself into the pit a few minutes ago, something he never expected to come back from. He doesn’t remember anything that happened in the last year and a half, he has no idea how he got out of hell or what happened since. He’s incredibly relieved but also unsure and probably scared. But Dean is there and he’s fine, so whatever happend can’t be too bad, right?! And even if it is, as long as they’re together, they can fix it. So Sam clings – quite literally – to the one thing he can be sure of. Which happens to be Dean.

And, again, (surprise!) Sam’s the first one to let go.

Can you believe season 7 left us completely hug-less? A CRIME. Anyway, all of season 8’s hugs are Dean-hugs so I’ll skip those for now (worry not, I’ll come back to them later).

The next two Sam-hugs are 9x23, Do You Believe In Miracles and 10x14, Executioner’s Song, and for one Dean is dead for most of it, and the other is really more Sam catching Dean before he collapses than it is a hug, imho, so I’ll skip both.

Fast forward over season 11, 12, 13, most of 14, (and 4 Dean-hugs), and we finally get to 14x12. Prophet and Loss. Damn that was a good episode, and it blessed us with another Sam-hug. And also the second longest hug ever, after 2x21. And Sam was dead for most of that. Let me just put this hug into perspective a little bit.. the Prophet and Loss hug is 28 seconds long. The second longest one after that, for which both brothers are alive, is 4x01, Lazarus Rising, about which I talked earlier – and that’s only 15 seconds! The Prophet and Loss hug is almost TWICE as long.

AND LOOK AT IT.

We all know what happens a few seconds before the hug, and isn’t it the most heartbreaking thing?! Sam has kept his emotions in check for the entire episode but he can’t take it anymore and he just explodes at Dean, so overwhelmed by worry and fear and love and desperation that he doesn’t know what to do. Because for once, it’s not some monster, demon, angel, or other evil thing he has to fight to save Dean’s life – but it’s Dean himself, and his damn stubbornness and selflessness.

Okay so this post is supposed to be about how Sam’s hugs are more desperate and bone-crushing than Dean’s, and I mean if this isn’t the perfect example, then what is? He literally punches Dean in the face and then pulls him into his arms where he somehow clings to him for dear life AND holds him firmly in place in a silent “don’t you dare go anywhere” and “please, please don’t leave me” at the same time. For 28 seconds, can I just say that again!!!! Because that’s how long it takes for Dean to agree to toss this self-sacrificing plan of his out the window! And only then does Sam let him go. What if Dean hadn’t agreed to try and find another way? Would Sam just have kept holding on to him? Honestly? Probably. Because as long as Dean has a Sam around his neck he can’t get into the stupid box, and if that’s what it takes then that’s what it takes.

Okay let’s move on from 14x12 maybe because I’m getting too emotional. Let’s look at some Dean-hugs and compare them to the Sam-hugs, shall we? For fairness’ sake, I’ll skip death-hugs again. Okay, ready? Here we go.

I want to talk about Dean-hugs in general for a bit, first. Of course there are exceptions, but compared to Sam-hugs they’re generally less aggressive and desperate, and more loving and gentle. Like in 8x20, Pac-Man-Fever, he walks up to Sam very calmly, grabs him by the shoulder, pulls him into his arms and holds him firmly but gently. And have you ever seen so much love and affection and contentment on a face as see on Dean’s right here? Yeah. No. And of course, since it’s a Dean-hug, and one that Sam didn’t expect at all, of course Dean gets to go full big-brother again, with both arms over Sam’s.

Speaking of soft and gentle Dean-hugs, let’s look at the one from 12x22, Who We Are, in which Dean does one of my Favorite Things, which is his little “c'mere”. Off the top of my head I can think of 4 times he says that to Sam in situations where it’s pretty obvious that a hug is definitely in order but they’re both kinda struggling to figure out who’s supposed to go for the hug first and if the other one even wants a hug and “okay how chick-flicky are we going to make this”. And Dean’s “c'mere” is Dean-speak for ‘it’s okay’ and ‘i can see that you need this, and damn it, i do too’.

Or what about this one from 13x22, Exodus:

Just. Look at Sam for a second. He looks so damn lost and insecure, and ‘I need a hug’ is basically written all over his face, but 'no chick-flick-moments’ and 'we’re not gonna have to hug or anything, right?’ is so ingrained in his brain that he can’t move. But Dean needs this just as much, maybe even more than Sam, he just has more control over his face. So he goes for the big-brother hug again, wrapping both arms around Sam and just holding him, silently saying everything he can’t put into words. “I was so scared”, “I’m so glad you’re okay”, “I love you”, “I’m here”, “I’m so sorry” and it’s so damn soft.

And you know what else is soft as all hell?? The freaking hug from 14x11!! Can you believe this one actually happened? I mean have you ever seen anything SO SOFT??

Look at how Dean’s hands hover in the air for a moment before he lays them down on Sam’s shoulder so incredibly gently and pulls Sam into a hug. The entire purpose of this hug is to show Sam how much Dean loves him, how much he means to him, so Sam can remember that when Dean is gone, and it shows. Let me talk about this hug some more because !! listen, the first time I saw it, my initial reaction was: 'wow, awkward’, and I wasn’t the biggest fan of it, at first. It felt a bit forced, a bit strange, a bit uncomfortable. But once I thought about it for a bit, I realized: that’s exactly how it’s supposed to feel!! It IS forced, it IS strange, it IS uncomfortable, nothing about this situation is comfortable or ordinary or natural. Dean is forced to leave Sam, for good, and he can’t even explain why, he can’t even say goodbye, and on top of that Sam is probably a little bit hurt by what Dean just asked of him, and that is NOT what Dean wants Sam’s last memory of him to be.. he just has to do something. And this hug is the weird and awkward and messy result of all that and it’s beautiful. Also, and this has nothing to do with anything, I just want to point it out: look how Sam doesn’t move away or even really flinch – instead he automatically leans into the hug, closer to Dean, even though he has no idea what’s going on. How soft can you get??

Okay, moving on, because there’s one more thing I want to talk about (only briefly, don’t worry), and that’s the tackle-style Dean hugs. Because funnily enough these always seem to happen when Sam’s hurt in one way or another, and being pulled into a bone-crushing hug is definitely not the most comfortable thing for him right then, but Dean can’t help himself and it’s not like Sam minds all that much.

The thing that gets me though, is that even though it’s very clear that Sam’s in pain, he doesn’t pull away but let’s Dean hug him for as long as he wants. The two most notable examples of this are 2x22, All Hell Breaks Loose, and 8x19, Taxi Driver.

This is starting to get pretty freaking long so here’s the gist of it.

TL;DR – Sam usually tries to express his emotions with words, first. Remember “You’re my brother and I still love you”, “You were the one who was always there for me”, “I could always count on you”, “There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you”, “I looked up to you since I was four”, “I followed you to hell and back”. He doesn’t initiate a lot of hugs, but when he does, HE REALLY DOES. When he’s overwhelmed by emotion and words completely fail him, then it’s full on tackle, wrapping himself around Dean, body and soul, desperate, bone-crushing, rib-bruising, holding on for dear life hugs.

Dean isn’t as good with words – or, well, he is, he could be, but he’s just a more tactile person. To him, touch says more than any amount of words he could string together, so he goes in for a hug way more often than Sam does. And since he doesn’t have to be completely overwhelmed with emotions to go in for hugs, his are usually less explosive, less desperate, but gentle, calm, soft, warm, loving.

And they both live by a strict 'hug and let hug’ policy, meaning that they always wait for the one who started the hug to end the hug. There’s no refusing hugs, there’s no cutting hugs short. If one of them needs a hug, he gets it. As long as he wants or needs, no questions asked. It hurts? Tough it out. It takes forever? Deal with it. Got other shit to do? So what.