My therapist is encouraging me to let more of my other parts be seen by others, so they can have some space in the outside world too. But I find that I can barely do it.
Recently, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist where I wanted to talk about trauma, dissociation, and my experiences. I knew it would bring up a lot, so I prepared carefully: I made a collage because talking is often difficult for me, brought a small stuffed animal, and thought about things that might help if I became overwhelmed. But as soon as I'm sitting across from someone, everything shuts down. I can only fall back on the parts that function, protect, and keep up appearances. All my preparation disappears.
The result is that I can spend an hour or more somewhere while feeling completely overwhelmed inside, but nobody really sees it. I can't leave, I can't pause, and everything only comes out afterwards. The exact same thing happened in a therapy group last week. No matter how much I prepare myself to not have to be the "perfect functioning person," in the moment I just can't do it.
I've been trying to practice smaller things, like simply saying that something was difficult for me, but even that doesn't always work. And when it does, I often say it in a very controlled, functional way. Because of that, people usually see me as much more stable than I actually feel. My therapist says I end up sabotaging myself that way, and I think she's right, but I genuinely try my best in new treatment settings. The barrier just feels too big.
I don't really know how to approach this differently. Constantly functioning and keeping up appearances is exhausting and gives people the wrong image, but even with all the preparation in the world, I can't seem to let it go. It feels like my whole system is built around staying hidden, not showing the full extent of my emotions, and above all appearing "normal." How do you get past that? Or are my therapist and I maybe expecting too much too fast of me? What would your perspective on this be?
(Hope you have an okay, soft day <3)
Thank you, I'm having a pretty nice day so far! Answering your ask is my break from painting while waiting for things to dry :')
I'm gonna answer from my perspective on how these things would work for me, obviously I don't know you and your therapist does so take all I say with the needed grain of salt, okay? <3
I wouldn't call the force to keep up functioning appearances "sabotaging". Sure, doing so might keep you from receiving much needed support or understanding... but it's not sabotage, it's survival.
As a child going through trauma, it's often (very) unsafe to show the pain, to show signs of being unwell. If home was unsafe, being unwell at home might draw out more punishment or abuse. And even if home is where the danger is, there's often a huge terror of "outside people" finding out (not uncommonly accompanied by a huge longing for people to find out, but that's another topic...). After all, if people find out, then what? Even if home is unsafe, it's still home, and for many children going through trauma, the idea of being taken from home is still terrifying (even if it's also something they dream of).
I don't think you can just decide to show more vulnerability to other people, wether that's professionals like your psychiatrist or friends or members from your therapy group. If at all possible, I'd suggest using therapy (with your trusted therapist) to look for the parts that are so terrified of "being visibly unwell" (or whatever the exact trigger is, whatever the exact thing that's forbidden is). There's probably a part (or parts) who have dutifully done their job for decades. They've been working so extremely hard to keep you going.
After all, while functioning can be deeply lonely and exhausting, it's also an important thing that keeps you tied to the here and now and the world we live in. Keeping up appearances is extremely valuable, even if it is also very painful at times.
The part(s) keeping this mechanism going are not able (nor willing, probably) to just step back. They need to be heard in what the (perceived) danger is, they need to be listened to. Work with them instead of trying to force your way against them.
That being said... personally for me it's not a goal to let friends see/know my parts. I'm not keeping my parts away by any means, I just... want my friends to know all of my parts as me, their friend. I would feel deeply uncomfortable if any irl friend would, for instance, ask me which part(s) are around. This is a super personal preference though, obviously this is different for everyone.
My goal is not to let other people show my parts, but to be able to connect & communicate in vulnerability from my (here and now, grounded) self/parts. And truthfully, I noticed that only once I became more able to listen to/sit with my parts, I became more able to be vulnerable with friends. I don't know if that makes sense & I could write a lot more about it, but this answer already got really long so I'm gonna wrap up here, but feel free to send a follow up ask if you'd wanna hear more :)
One last thing; if the meeting with the psychiatrist you describe was your first time meeting that psychiatrist, how could it possibly be safe enough to be so vulnerable and show parts? That's like dropping a baby in the ocean and yelling at it to swim. Vulnerability needs to be earned, you can't force it or (inevitably) it will make other parts feel threatened and/or unsafe, because as a child it was probably dangerous (and/or lonely and/or painful) to be vulnerable.
Take care (& be gentle with yourselves) <3
