I was absolutely terrified and tried to take some breaths before I rung the doorbell. When they let me in they joked a bit, like "ohh long time no see!" and I got something to drink.
Sat down and said something like, "For a while now I've been wanting to tell you a bit more about what exactly happened in my past. I feel more free to talk about it now that I've sent the letters, but it's also still difficult. I don't want to burden or overwhelm you, and now there's this situation with the card my mother sent you. I don't want to take away your (aunt's) chance to have a conversation with my mother, but I realized I also don't want to just wait that out and then decide to tell them or not. Because I no longer want to respond to whatever my mother does or doesn't do. I wanted to tell them, so I would like to tell them today even if it's scary."
They were nodding along and seemed to be listening very carefully. But then I had to actually say it. I made a weak joke about needing a second to remember how to breathe. And then I just said: so, um, mom has sexually abused me.
From what I remember, it got a bit quiet. I manage to not laugh (that has happened to me before when telling people and it got quiet). They said something like, "Wow, that is heavy". I was very busy with trying to breathe and stuff so I don't really know how they looked or anything. But then they managed to ask questions. I always love when people have the courage to ask questions.
I think one of the first questions was my aunt asking how old I was. It felt brutal to have to tell her that. Which is interesting because it rarely feels brutal when I just think about it to myself. But having to tell someone else, who knows my mom so well? I suddenly realized like... oof, this is gonna make my mom look like a monster. I considered lying and saying an older age. I considered not saying an age. Eventually I stuttered a bit as I said, "Um, young. Very young. It's a bit awful to say, but, three, four when it started". Obvious next question: til what age? I said, "Eleven, I think, from what I remember now".
My uncle asked, "What happened after that?". I snorted and said, "Well, I developed an eating disorder". He's a psychologist so I think he could figure out the logic there. They asked if it was ever talked about and I said no, it didn't exist. My aunt asked something like, "did you... did you remember, the whole time, did you know it?"
I tried explaining a bit that I didn't. That knowing what I know now, I can place weird things that I *have* always known, but that I didn't remember the actual abuse situations until some years ago. I tried explaining the very basics about how the abuse couldn't exist while also needing my mother because she was my primary attachment. That it got hidden away, and not all the things that got hidden are showing themselves to me.
They kept responding and asking questions. I explained a bit about how it came back. About the confusion, the fog, the thinking it was love or comfort or care. How difficult it all must have been back then, how difficult it is to navigate even now, and in therapy. They asked something about how my therapist has helped me with all this. I got anxious they would think she "planted" the memories but they weren't, they were honestly just asking if I'm getting the right care... 🥺
Aunt even asked if I "get, like, EMDR or something?" and my uncle helped me explain why EMDR is sometimes difficult in situations like these. His EMDR-knowledge was pretty outdated but it was fine for this and a relief that he helped me.
I was there for nearly 2 hours so there was a lot more, but this covers most of what we talked about. Relevant for some; they went to the Griet op de Beeck show, so they had *some* relevant knowledge about refound memories and "working with your inner child" (they called it that, I just rolled with it).
Towards the end, my aunt asked me what my worst case scenarios had been about their responses. I told her that none of it was logical, but "that you would get angry, or that you would say 'well we knew you back then and if this had happened we would have noticed so you are wrong', or that I would break you, or that you wouldn't want to know or see me anymore..."
She said how special (positively) it is that we reconnected. That they enjoy the connection with me a lot (I said, me too!!!). Uncle joined in to thank me for my trust and that this can only deepen our connection. Honestly how are they so perfect??? Is this what emotionally stable 60 year olds are like? Is this what family can be like? My aunt also complimented me with how I told them, which means a lot because I can stress about that a lot.
I told them I feel safe with them, and that I also remember that from when I was a child (they were in my life til I was 14). That I still worry because it happens automatically, but that I'm learning that with them I don't have to worry about hidden layers or double meanings. They're honest and open and direct. They agreed to that.
My uncle offered me some dinner but I told them I had a close friend on stand-by and that I would go eat fries with her. And I repeatedly encouraged them to let me know if they wanted to talk more or if any questions popped up.
And just now... just now, as I'm writing this, my aunt texted me: "You are a hero ❣️😘 and were the fries good?!" and I may or may not be crying over this right now. I can't believe it.
