all my faces have alibis

the afternoon is insane. absolutely insane. it's 2 pm and I am only just now taking my lunch break.

ah. yeah, okay. I can really see why I got so hooked on short-acting ritalin. it basically functions as a dissociative for me and makes my emotions feel far away while my body keeps going without me having to slog through existing. that probably kept me alive through the empty years (2016-2020) when I was extremely suicidal and actively being abused at home.

idk why everything feels so awful lately and I really wish I did

I probably should have gone to the er last night but the post ictal symptoms were so fucking bad. the nausea and extreme light and sound sensitivity were insane and had us hunched over a bucket for most of the evening... and with the dizziness and exhaustion, I was in no condition to get myself there or even down the stairs unless I called an ambulance, because my partner was at work. and I didn't want to be stuck in the er all night when I had to start at 7:15 today.

today has just been bad and off.

:^) hahah noooo dr [blank], don't dramatically change my prescription (without telling me) to the form that I have historically had substance abuse issues with

it's raining like crazy and I got soaked in the minute it took me to get from my bus stop to my apartment, and I feel more alive and real than I have in... a very long time, tbh