Staking out a little space for Hope

They even had the audacity to screenshot their own email, so I've screenshot their most recent email in the same email thread that counters that other email, and now I'm trying to find a professional way to say, "this you?"

“Fine, fine,” I grumble. “I have a few options for payment: I could give you paper money, cheap gaudy jewelry, chocolate coins, spiders, some pretty seashells-”

“Spiders????” he repeats, baffled.

“Spiders it is, then,” I agree equitably, and with a wave of my hand the bed I’ve been sleeping in for the last week turns into a writhing mass of various spiders.

Worth it.

—

“Stop right there! You’re under arrest for fraud, destruction of property, and-!”

I yawn. “Didn’t ask, don’t care.” A few gestures, and the guards’ swords are all transmuted into spiders, and then they’re too busy to worry about little ol’ me.

—

“You have insulted my honor and humiliated me in front of my children! I demand satisfaction! I demand a wizard’s duel!”

Shrugging, I say, “Sure, okay, whatever. Right here and now okay?”

The pompous wizard-noble blinks. “I- you don’t want to prepare? Get your wizard’s staff or anything?”

“Nah, I’m pretty good with somatic gestures.”

“Well, if you’re sure… here and now then! Have at you!” He slams his staff down on the ground dramatically, a small shockwave of fire radiating out from the impact.

So of course, I turn his staff into spiders.

“AHHHH WHAT THE FUCK WHAT THE FUCK”

“So if you’re too busy screaming to cast spells, does that mean I win?”

“AUGH ONE OF THEM BIT ME”

“I’m taking that as a yes.”

—

After that, they start coming at me in waves, with cheap wands and staves and swords and bows bought in bulk, hoping to exhaust my magical reserves so they can get close enough to put a magic inhibitor on me.

They did not expect my reserves to be as vast as they were, not did they expect me to be able to transmute the inhibitors themselves into spiders.

“Didn’t you take Magic Basics in wizard college?” I yell at the panicking mages. “Inhibitors aren’t immune to magic until the moment they activate! Serious weak point in the design, tell your magitechnicians to fix that!”

—

So of course they try assassins next.

Poison fails, because I transmute any food and drink I get into spiders and then transmute them back. Pretty easy way to get rid of poison.

So then they try knives in dark alleys. The knives bruise through my full-body spider-silk outfit, but do not penetrate, and they only get one shot before they have bigger problems.

Next is killing me in my sleep. None live to report back that the human-shaped lump under the blankets is actually a mass of highly venomous spiders.

The kingdom throws everything it has at me, and I continue to walk away, heralded by the chittering of spiders and the screams of everyone else.

—

Finally, I stand before the king himself in his overly opulent throne room, and by now he is a broken shell of a man in the face of my unorthodox tactics.

Good.

“What do you want?” he practically sobs. “You’ve singlehandedly redirected the entire crown’s budget for the next three years into replacing every weapon you’ve turned into spiders. Much more and we’ll be invaded by our neighbors! We wouldn’t be able to resist being annexed! So what can I give you to make you stop doing this?!”

I pause and pretend to consider, tapping a finger against my chin thoughtfully. “You know, you sent my brother off to war a few years back. That conflict with the Yughs up north, I believe. He didn’t want to go, so your guards forced him at spearpoint. I haven’t seen him since.”

He seizes on that, as I expected. “Yes, yes, I’ll have him returned right away! Tell me his name and I’ll honorably release him from duty and have him escorted safely home!”

“Oh?” I raise one sardonic eyebrow. “Are you able to bring back the dead now, oh wise and glorious king?”

He pales, and it’s the most satisfying thing I’ve seen in years.

“You have nothing I want,” I growl, letting the anger slip through for the first time in years. “You cannot bring him back, you cannot make up for my loss with all the riches in your kingdom. The only thing I want is to take everything from you, the way you did to me. Your kingdom will bleed out of resources, one of the neighboring countries you’ve been trying to conquer for decades now will take advantage and annex this place, and you will either be executed or forced to work for a living for the first time in your life.”

I glare at him, and he refuses to meet my eyes. “You will lose everything you ever cared about in your life. One spider at a time.”

I transmute his throne and crown into spiders (non-deadly; he doesn’t get to escape my wrath that easily), then turn and walk away, ignoring his screams and sobs.

—

And that’s why, when the Yughs finally annexed the kingdom I grew up in, they preemptively made Transarachnomancy a forbidden magical art. Not sure how they intend to enforce that, mind, but I’m not looking to challenge that. I’ve gotten what I wanted; if some other aspiring mage wants to try and follow in my footsteps, that’s not my problem.

Besides, in terms of magical skill, I’ve always been an outlier anyway. Most mages would be lucky to turn just one knife into a spider at a time; I can turn ten thousand with a few gestures. I doubt anyone will outdo my legacy.

Ah fuck it, I can't wait to post them, I'm too excited. Eveyrone, meet Pete and Val, the main characters from this vampire book I'm writing! Pete is an ancient vampire who was last truly active in the 80s and hasn't quite snapped out of his fashion from back then, and Val is the guy who bought the house Pete was hibernating in. And now they're stuck with each other!

Characters: Pete the Vampire (he/him), Valentine "Val" Delgado (he/him)

That’s also my headcanon, haha. /fistbump

My very long ramblings about grey-romantic grey-ace Darcy under the cut:

They're always touching. You'd be forgiven for mistaking it for a blatant public display of affection, but they're not really displaying anything. The first time Steve is in an Important Meeting and Bucky is asleep in his lap, stirring comfortably and making cute noises as Steve fondles his hair and occasionally plants a soft peck on his forehead, he is lectured about professionalism, but it becomes clear that Steve isn't trying to make a weird statement, his relationship with Bucky is just like this. They lean on each other, wrap themselves around each other, sit in each others' laps. Steve has a habit of keeping his hands in view so Bucky can grab one of his hands and place it on his body where he wants it (usually his head, so Steve can pet his hair).

At a restaurant, they eat off each other's plates freely to the point of taking a fork out of the other's hand if they want what's on it. At a cookout or casual event they will be drinking out of the same soda. Sam swears he's seen Bucky spit candies and mouthfuls of beverages into Steve's mouth.

In casual settings it's even grosser: Bucky has a habit of planting himself behind Steve's back and starting to squeeze blackheads on the back of his neck with no preamble. Instead of asking Steve to trim his toenails he'll just trim Steve's toenails himself and Steve lets him.

Then there's all the weird ways Bucky requests and shows affection: by chewing and biting on Steve's arm like it's a stim toy, bonking his head against Steve's back or shoulder, slipping himself up under Steve's arm and clinging to him like a toddler.

Sometimes they excuse themselves to a private space during events or meetings. The others initially assume they're having sex, it follows that they can't survive more than a few hours without fucking each other, but it occurs to them that it might be something weirder. Sam honestly feels more comfortable with the idea that they're running off somewhere for a quickie than anything. The notion of them excusing themselves for snuggle time is somehow weirder and equally plausible.

This is my personal list and my personal vibes, I am not saying that anyone else is wrong but giving my personal impressions. They are all headcanon. I am very happy to hear your theories and your vibes!

Sir Walter Elliot, Persuasion: Okay, dude totally has a crush on this Colonel Wallis whom he’s been parading around Bath with arm-in-arm. He is most likely pansexual: attracted to anyone who is a 10/10. Unfortunately he sees himself as a 11/10, so maybe not the best partner. 

Emma Woodhouse, Emma: She feels the need to staunchly defend the beauty of Jane Fairfax. Admires the beauty of both Harriet and Jane Fairfax but does not dwell on Mr. Elton or Frank Churchill, whom she does acknowledge are hot. Either she only has eyes for Knightley or she’s actually got some feelings for women. I will also accept some flavour of asexual/aromantic. Emma has vibes of some unspecified sort.

Charlotte Lucas, Pride and Prejudice: She’s on this list because she must be, she doesn’t actually give me queer vibes. I see Charlotte as highly pragmatic. The fact that she doesn’t consider romance doesn’t speak to me of her being a flavour of asexual or aromantic. I think you can account for Charlotte’s behaviour by her being highly loss adverse. This may be because I would probably make the same decision as her and I have extremely high loss aversion and was very anxious to get married as a young person.

Fanny Price, Mansfield Park: I know what you are thinking, don’t I mean Mary Crawford? No. We know exactly why Mary Crawford wants to be friends with Fanny, she’s bored. Fanny is not bored, doesn’t even like Mary, and views her as competition. And yet, Fanny admires her beauty, loves to look at her, and cannot even explain to herself why she keeps visiting (Fanny went to her every two or three days: it seemed a kind of fascination: she could not be easy without going). I can explain, Fanny! (Now do I think Mary Crawford would be down? Absolutely)

Fitzwilliam Darcy, Pride and Prejudice: This guy, he’s got vibes. He’s twenty-eight years old and yet has never really been so attracted to a woman before. He talks about what should attract him to a woman as if it’s a list he’s memorised. I read this very persuasive argument that he’s demisexual and I’m all for it.

Anne Steele, Sense and Sensibility: She is obsessed with Marianne Dashwood. Tracking what clothes she wears, calling her beautiful, wanting to barge in to see her in her bedroom despite rules of propriety. Anne has a very obvious crush on the lovely Marianne.