I should just give up.
Needed a place to vent about the fucking joke that is my life. I'm 31, been on this rock for over a quarter of my possible life, and I can without a doubt say that I've fucked up every chance of my life being a good one or one I can look back on in whatever gutter I end up in and say "Yea I did good."
I haven't made a post about it here because the number of people here that likely still give a shit about me and my life is zero, but my mom passed away recently. I'm not going to put the details here because again doubt anyone will read this anyway. With her dying and me having spent the last 8-10 years of my life at home helping and taking care of her I realize just how fucked I am going forward.
I'm going to be losing my home of 30+ years because I can't afford the upkeep and associated fees with my shit job that I've been trying to leave for 3 years. My pets are being given to family because I'll be moving in with family who are allergic, so my cat and dogs who I've taken care of for 13+ years are likely going to be long gone by the time I can find a place for myself where I can actually take them back.
While I'm grateful that a family member is offering a room for me until I can get on my feet, it's not my home, not my family, not my space, my entire way of life pretty much gone in a puff of smoke.
Everything that's happened I can't help but think back to every choice I made that I was hoping would lead to me finally striking out on my own, a home of my own with hopefully a family of my own. Through ether my own shit judge of character, my idiotic hope, or simply just fucking it up, every, single, one, failed and blew up in my face.
I've known it for years that my chances of a happy life were fucked, to the point I've been debating just walking off into the woods and dying there, knowing the number of people who'd even notice or miss me can be counted on one hand, and even then let's be honest they'll forget all about me soon enough after all I'm forgettable. The only thing keeping me going was that I had someone depending on me for so much, my siblings couldn't take her because of their own families, I was it. Now that she's gone I have no reason to keep going, I've got no family of my own, my pets are with other people, I gave 10 years of my life to helping my mother and now I'm being treated like an extra bit of baggage by my family.
I genuinely hope I don't wake up tomorrow, or if I do I'll find out the last 16 fucking years have all been one long bad dream, that my parents and the people who said they'll always be beside me would still be there, like I wasn't abandoned and left behind, forgotten.








