Rawr I'ma Artist

Needed a place to vent about the fucking joke that is my life. I'm 31, been on this rock for over a quarter of my possible life, and I can without a doubt say that I've fucked up every chance of my life being a good one or one I can look back on in whatever gutter I end up in and say "Yea I did good."

I haven't made a post about it here because the number of people here that likely still give a shit about me and my life is zero, but my mom passed away recently. I'm not going to put the details here because again doubt anyone will read this anyway. With her dying and me having spent the last 8-10 years of my life at home helping and taking care of her I realize just how fucked I am going forward.

I'm going to be losing my home of 30+ years because I can't afford the upkeep and associated fees with my shit job that I've been trying to leave for 3 years. My pets are being given to family because I'll be moving in with family who are allergic, so my cat and dogs who I've taken care of for 13+ years are likely going to be long gone by the time I can find a place for myself where I can actually take them back.

While I'm grateful that a family member is offering a room for me until I can get on my feet, it's not my home, not my family, not my space, my entire way of life pretty much gone in a puff of smoke.

Everything that's happened I can't help but think back to every choice I made that I was hoping would lead to me finally striking out on my own, a home of my own with hopefully a family of my own. Through ether my own shit judge of character, my idiotic hope, or simply just fucking it up, every, single, one, failed and blew up in my face.

I've known it for years that my chances of a happy life were fucked, to the point I've been debating just walking off into the woods and dying there, knowing the number of people who'd even notice or miss me can be counted on one hand, and even then let's be honest they'll forget all about me soon enough after all I'm forgettable. The only thing keeping me going was that I had someone depending on me for so much, my siblings couldn't take her because of their own families, I was it. Now that she's gone I have no reason to keep going, I've got no family of my own, my pets are with other people, I gave 10 years of my life to helping my mother and now I'm being treated like an extra bit of baggage by my family.

As the title says it's been a while, dunno why I'm bothering to type this up aside from some venting or... I dunno another pathetic attempt to make myself feel better about my shit life. No one I know or care about actively even uses this site anymore as far as I know and even then who gives a shit.

Everything has been absolute shit to put it simply, every event in my life in recent years has been one set back after another to the point I just want to give up. My entire life has been nothing but a burden on the people I care for and to be used by people I thought I cared for until I'm not needed anymore. I've been lied to, cheated, and betrayed time and time again because I put to much faith in people who I think care for me.

I've stayed in toxic shit relationships because I've felt that this is my only chance at being happy and tricking myself into thinking everything is fine and I'm just imagining things. Yet every time following my gut has led to finding out lie after lie by people in my life.

I genuinely wish I had fucking died 20 years ago, but I let people who I thought cared for me trick me into sticking through until now, only for them to use me and forget about me in less than a few months, after years of being in their life...

I don't know why I keep letting myself get tricked by people... a hope that things will get better for me but they never do, despite my best efforts. I'm sure a good number of them would be smirking and smiling to themselves if they ever read this, knowing that my life has just been one big fucking joke for people like them to get a laugh out of.

I don’t know why I bother making these, I know I said I use them to Vent but just coming back to this site only reminds me of a time when I was happy and I thought I had my life on track. To a time where I thought I finally found my place in the world and was making slow progress but progress to the rest of my life. Now looking back at some of my old posts... some of the old interactions here, I’m just a bitter and angry person who just doesn’t want to wake up anymore.

Now I’m back at a dead end job I hate working myself to an early grave and unable to get more than a couple hours of sleep a night if I’m lucky. Ever since I came back home I’ve tried to get back to where I was, back to being happy, and at every turn I get kicked back down to where I was... what’s the point anymore? Struggle again and again to try and remind myself what being proud of myself feels like only for it to be taken away in an instant? I’m almost 30 and the most notable thing I’ve done in my life is somehow manage to not blow my own fucking brains out in the forest.

The moment I came back home I realized that all that progress I had made over 5+ years just didn’t matter anymore, it was all thrown away in the blink of an eye and I’m back to where I was when I was in fucking high school. I thought I was trying hard enough, for the first time I put myself and what I wanted ahead of my family... I left them and my home behind and thought they would understand... I thought it was for the better and we can all see how that turned out.

I’ve tried to do new things, tried to find something that I can look at and say “I’m good at this, I enjoy this!” Everything I’ve tried and thought I was doing good at has been a waste of my time in the long run. Anytime I have enough money saved away to do something nice for myself something beyond my fucking control happens and suddenly it’s gone. I don’t even find enjoyment in the hobbies I used to enjoy so much, everything I do just feels like I’m doing them to just fill the time until I go to bed. 

I’m tired of being lied to by the people I put my trust and faith in, by the people I love. I thought I had better judge of character while growing up but at this point it’s clear I don’t. I’m tired of believing others can care for anyone other than themselves when it’s clear they don’t. I’m tired of putting my own fucking heart and emotions out there for someone to just crush at the drop of a hat. I can’t even try to form new friendships let alone relationships without that nagging feeling eating away at me “I’m not good enough for them.” “They’ll forget all about you soon enough.” “Why get your hopes up?” “They’re just using you, just like so many others.”