The Gabdon Writes

I’m sorry. I feel you.

I think the pain of grieving a life that you not only envisioned yourself - but another person actively weaved and dreamt it into life so much and so close that you could feel it - before then, pulling it from under your feet with under functioning - is like nothing else.

You are grieving this love. This life. This future. The past that was. You are full of all the promise and potential though everyday it slips through your fingers and you are left with nothing to hold onto.

This pain is real. And aching. And you have every right to feel it.

I don’t think it’s do with being Muslim. Or perhaps it is. I think we are great at saying all the right things and appearing whole in public. On paper. All of us.

But there are many of us who pretend. Who wear masks. Who can smile and laugh and offer kind words - until it demands consistency, until it asks more of them than they can offer. I think there are so many people who hide - and hide - and then do not know how to see others. Or even more frightening - to allow themselves to be seen.

A home without reciprocity. A cold and lonely place.

Please fortify your inner world. Your mind. The lesson here is that you cannot WILL, WANT or DESIRE another to change. You cannot drag someone to meet you where you are. Your job is to exist fully in your power. No more shrinking. No more softening the edges. Dimming your light.

You must give yourself permission, to be love. Even if it is being withheld from you. Especially then. You must stay bright and full of life. Because that is what frightens him, isn’t it? Your light!

I’m going through a heavy point in my life. I am married and I’m considering separation. it’s such a lonely place to be. I’ve tried my best to not say things to my family and friends because I really don’t want outside opinions influencing my thoughts.

I almost feel like I’ve failed. Should I try harder. Is it now time to leave and I’m still waiting on my clarity.

It’s so painful to think your spending your entire life with someone and for it not to work out that way.

I almost feel now that I’m 31 I’m at an unmarriageable age.

I think this a way more common experience than most will admit. I think a relationship with the wrong person can wreck you. I think we (as women) take the whole responsibility for the health of our marriage and its success or failure and put it fully on our shoulders. It becomes another thing we identify by and we hold onto it even when it may not be good for us.

But also, marriage is tough. It forces you to look deeply at yourself and you see your partner deeper than - perhaps- even they are capable of seeing themselves.

You are mourning the life you not only imagined - but were promised in marrying this person - so I can understand how much you are hurting.

Where do we go to be heard and seen - in all of our essence - and wisely guided to the path we are supported to identify ourselves?

I mean - someplace that is free of the fear of the future and cultural shame but understanding of my spirit and heart?

The people in our lives sometimes project so much - even subconsciously - of themselves, the culture, the faith - what is considered ‘right’!

To cope - I started writing short letter to my unborn daughter - Riyyah, who I get to hold in my arms everyday and marvel at. Alhamdulilah.

In many ways - I am still recovering from it. In other ways - it has shown me a strength I never knew I had and given me a love I never imagined possible. I've shared some of those letters here:

Writing again, Bismillah. 2025.

I’m keeping ok. Feeling a bit lost and confused on what my legacy in life is. I’m not so interested in my current career and not so sure what my future looks like. I don’t know what to seek out when I don’t know what I’m interested in. Turning 30 in a few months so feeling the weight of it all. I thought my 20s were for figuring things out but I haven’t. Sometimes it feels like I’m making progress and some days it feels like I’ve not taken any steps at all. Married but so fearful of motherhood. I hope to see motherhood differently. Feeling so much these days. Also coming to the realisation that I’m experiencing symptoms of depression but alhamdulillah

I’m sending you love as always. I hope you will seek help for your depression. There is no shame in admitting you struggle. As frightening as it may be, you deserve your own kindness more than anyone else in your life. Please carve out spaces that are safe and healing. And give yourself grace and time. Give yourself and seek whatever support you require to live your truest, bestest life.

Motherhood is a rollercoaster. I am both the happiest I’ve ever been and the most exhausted and frightened. I am also feeling so much. So so much. I don’t even know where to begin. I journaled today for the first time since my pregnancy. I even surprised myself with what I wrote. I thought I had felt things with the very core of my being before, but since motherhood, I realized I had only ever scratched the surface of what it is to really feel.

I think of myself as a deeply grounded and mentally strong person but pregnancy took to me to the brink of despair and uncertainty. Alhamdulilah, Alhamdulilah. I was sick my entire pregnancy and then a traumatic birth story. But now I’m on the other side and everyday with my daughter is a blessing. I cannot describe this love. I don’t think there is enough language to express it. I have been silenced and humbled by it, SubhanAllah.

I feel you about career. I had just changed career and moved back to London when I married. I switched again when I got pregnant and I intend to change again now. I want to be at home with my daughter, so flexibility is my priority now. I feel that I am only now becoming capable of coherent thought and logical decision making.

I believe change is the only constant in life. Whether you are 20 or 30 or 40. It is not only constant but necessary and a sign that you are alive and evolving. You are exactly where you are meant to be. Life’s crossroads are plenty and all there is to do is choose the best for you and go forth until the next one. Then the next.

You are lucky in that you can do anything. I wish I still had that scope of choice. Every decision I make now is tethered to my daughter, being as present as I can be for her. Alhamdulilah again. But you are in an exciting place, that you can choose and change your mind and choose something else. That you can try on different jobs and careers until you find the one that fits. There are no wrong choices, this is what I believe. Only lessons.

Quiet. Frantic and yet still. Deeply content. I’ve been a mom for almost 9 months now. Alhamdulilah. Praise God. It is as if my life is starting over again, anew. I am becoming someone else and trying to gracefully transition into this new role. It’s the hardest, most terrifying and wonderful job I’ve ever had.

How are you doing?