Shane gets a call right at the start of his rookie season from the Muppet Studio casting director to do a chemistry read with an actress who is being considered for the role. Shane kinda thinks it’s a joke but apparently the casting director’s brother-in-law is a big hockey fan and Shane’s apparently just caught his eye with interviews and social media bits.
Farah gets his absence cleared with the Metros and Shane meets with the producers behind the Muppet Movie. Their first choice Jason Segel was and he had to back out of the production (yes I know he’s a writer on it but I don’t really care). So Amy Adams is not up for consideration. The director’s second choice was Rose Landry so they’re having her do some chemistry reads with a variety of actors and Shane’s name kinda got thrown in the bucket because no one was really doing it right.
Of course Rose and Shane are a dream. They’re soulmates in every universe and the chemistry read goes perfectly. The last read they have him do is with Kermit the Frog and Walter (already designed and based off of Segel a little bit).
He’s perfect. Brian Henson is sitting in and realizes that Shane’s his goddamn Micheal Caine while Rose Landry’s his Tim Curry!
This is going to be the greatest Muppet Movie of all time.
It would be the GREATEST MUPPET MOVIE OF ALL TIME
Absolutely fucking dying at the implications of this all going down pre sochi because that means:
Shandry has already been a viral internet sensation because Shane and Rose tried dating during filming
Shane sped run coming to terms with his own homosexuality because rose clocked that shit within three weeks
During those three weeks Ilya Rozanov was in an absolute spiral begging Shane Hollander to leave his Michigan whore and let him fuck him please please please please please and Shane had to repeatedly reply to that shit with “please stop sexting me when I’m with the muppets”
He also had to read the 43 minute long debate between Shane Hollander and Rose Landry weighing whether he should finally let his mystery man hit or if he should give his anal virginity to one of Rose’s EGOTs that ended with The Rose Landry texting Hockey God Shane Hollander “have fun at your dick appointment whore”
After Ilya finally secured the bag on Shane Hollander despite the forces conspiring against him (FUCK YOU rose landry) he went back to his hotel room and pulled up YouTube so he could blare “All I Do Is Win” on loop full volume 47 times in a row until his coach came in and threatened to kill him in real life
The United States federal government also patriot acted his Internet history. Obama ALSO had to read that
When the gay hockey players become a global phenomenon at sochi one of them is one half of INTERNATIONALLY BELOVED POWER COUPLE SHANDRY
Rose has been telling people for MONTHS that they broke up and it is NOT her fault that no one believed her. It is kind of her fault Shane and her could have acted less in love on main. Putin may be a fascist dictator but Shane Hollander is HER soulmate. Fucking return him to her at ONCE
She has to run with the lie about how Shane, her best friend and spiritual brother, has been quietly inspiring her with his star crossed romance and she just hopes the world can see the beauty in Shane and Ilya’s love because it’s been the honor of her life to get to witness it firsthand and the entire time all she can think about is how for the past nine months she has exclusively referred to Shane’s mystery man as the fuckboy supreme and begged him to let her find him any other dick to ride. She bets his sheets are fucking navy blue
As she’s thinking it she’s sitting in between fucking Kermit the frog and miss piggy
The first time rose comes to visit Shane at Ilya’s house and sees their bedroom she takes one look at Ilya’s fuckass navy blue sheets and sends Shane the flattest most judgmental look. Shane has to go watch the muppets most wanted to emotionally recover.
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