The Potato Is Always Better

Okay that’s real… and so the web weaving continues

also if jj and hayden are in Crisis, how are the bears taking it? because personally i'm imagining marlow tweeting about "oh hell yeah brother this makes so much sense!!! of course your montreal jane is hollander!" because his boy deserves only the best. his tweets about this and how the best is obviously Hockey Superstar And Noted Model, Shane Hollander go viral.

In the immediate aftermath of this, the Boston Raiders try to I Am Spartacus their boy’s sexuality. It goes. Poorly.

Fundamentally, the issue is that they just get in front of a camera and let Cliff Marleau speak for them without first planning what they’re going to say.

The thing is, they are made immediately aware of the fact that Ilya Rozanov being gay in Russia endangers #theirboy’s continued existence and also his ability to return to their muscular embrace. They cannot abide by this. Free their man.

They decide to take the hard stance that Ilya Rozanov is NOT gay. They are aware that there is video proof that he shoved Shane Hollander against a wall and then also his tongue down Shane Hollander’s throat. It was NOT in a gay kind of way. How. How could that not be in a gay kind of way. Well. You see. That’s because it was Shane Hollander. It is NOT gay if it’s for Shane Hollander. You DO NOT have to be gay to be down for Shane Hollander. That is still a totally straight experience. They’ve all thought about it. All of them. Isn’t. Isn’t that right boys?

The Boston Raiders feel this is a large demand to ask of their brotherhood but are willing to commit nevertheless. They. They sure have thought of that. All. All of them. They’ve all thought about shoving Shane Hollander against the wall and kissing him with tongue. And that’s a normal, straight person experience. The whole NHL thinks that, even.

If, if anything, it’s their fault the kiss happened. Because Ilya does not want to kiss Shane Hollander. He wants to kiss Shane Hollander the least out of all of them, because. Rivals. But he, he was obviously drunk as shit when this happened, and they’ve. Talked.

About it.

Around him.

They. They totally talk about wanting to take Shane Hollander manfully against a wall to and around Ilya. They do that all the time. And Ilya is not into it. Because he is straight and. Rivalry. They, the Boston Raiders, they just. Talked about wanting to kiss and. Do other things. To Shane Hollander so, so much around Ilya that it. It just totally confused his drunken mind. Maybe one of them even dared him to do it. Carmichael thinks that maybe. Maybe he can remember daring him to do that.

Anyway uh. If there’s anyone who’s gay for Shane Hollander, it’s, it’s them, and not Ilya Rozanov, who is 100% straight. So uh. Shane Hollander if you’re ever, ever thinking about exploring some things about yourself, maybe. Give the Boston Raiders a call. They’re. They’re ready for you, stallion. But uh. Not Ilya Rozanov. Because he is straight.

Free their man.

Thank you for your time.

This does not fucking help quell the international attention suddenly focused on them. It does not fucking do that at all. The Boston Raiders announcing that Shane Hollander is a source of shared and lustful fixation for the entire team bar Ilya Rozanov, who is straight, is televised in more than 30 countries.

Shane and Ilya see this several hours after it happens when they’ve fully committed to the narrative that they’re in gay love with each other and have finally managed to battle their way into the Canadian embassy. And it’s just.

Shane: *face buried in his own hands*

Ilya: those fucking idiots

I want to start drawing Everlark fan arts, I already have some ideas! So I decided to make this little character sheet to keep as reference, now hopefully the design I use will stay consistent.