Atlas_T_Writes!

Prior to their daughter’s birth, the last few months hadn’t been too out of the ordinary. Sure, Caitlyn had been forced to take more time off of work than she was used to, but Vi had been able to take care of any of the business she had to sit out for. It meant that they had to spend more time apart, but Vi had made sure to spoil her absolutely rotten with love whenever she came home from a shift. Sometimes Vi would bring home flowers, always fragrant, always beautiful, and never without at least a sprinkling of Violets. Other times, she brought in takeout or the new book Caitlyn had mentioned in passing. No matter what it was, it was always thoughtful and exactly what she needed in that moment. Caitlyn had to admit though, she had a favorite and it was less the gifts themselves and more their courier. She would never turn down an opportunity to simply get to enjoy her wife’s presence. 

They had both fought so hard and lost so much that Caitlyn relished in how simple their life had become. There was no more sense of impending doom, no more fear that everything would be swiped from her in the blink of an eye. She no longer spent every waking moment waiting for the other shoe to fall. For the first time in her adult life, Caitlyn finally got to feel at peace. Well, for a few months anyway.   

On the morning leading up to their daughter’s birth, they had gotten to share a quaint breakfast of soft creamy eggs, crispy bacon and fresh fruit, before heading out on a short walk to stretch their legs. Caitlyn hadn’t  been very keen on the idea, but couldn’t deny Vi’s request, not when those powder blue eyes locked onto hers with such a gentle request. 

They had nearly made it home when Lavender had made her intentions to finally enter the world known and Caitlyn’s water had broken not but a block from home. 

“Shit!” They said in unison, a mixture of excitement and terror seeping into each of their exclamations. 

Lavender came three weeks early and wasted absolutely zero time making her debut into the world. Caitlyn had hardly gotten settled into her hospital bed before her father had told her to start pushing. Thankfully, her memory of that time was blurred by pain and the exquisite epidural that they had just enough time to place. 

The whole affair was done in just over an hour, but had left Caitlyn feeling more exhausted than she had ever felt in her life, though that wouldn’t stop her from giving every ounce of her attention to her baby girl. Tobias approached her slowly with a pastel swaddled bundle, sporting watery eyes and a bright smile. “She has your mother’s eyes.” He said gently. 

Caitlyn felt a hand close around her heart at the mention of her mother. For a moment, the brightly lit hospital room disappeared and morphed into the image of her mother’s face being enclosed in her coffin. She was too familiar with the scene. It replayed in her mind daily and never failed to knock the wind out of her. This time though, she saw new scenes, short and barely visible, but present enough to fill her heart with cement. She saw her mother in the hospital room with her now, holding Lavender and telling her what an amazing job she had done. Another, just as short, just as painful of Cassandra walking hand in hand with Lavender through a park, giggling together at some unheard joke. And finally, a family portrait of her,Vi, Lavender, her father and her mother, all posed together, a beaming smile on every face, the Kiramman family, happy and complete. 

‘She should be here. She has to be, I need her. It’s not fair! She’ll never get to meet Lavender. What if I can’t do this without her? What if…’

The thoughts spiraled and threatened to consume her. They didn’t care that she was seconds away from the happiest moment of her life, they didn’t care that it had already been years since she lost her mother, grief waited for no one. Caitlyn could feel her heart rate spike and her chest tighten, she was moments away from slipping into a panic attack and she feared there was little to do to stop it. 

There was some shuffling behind her and Caitlyn felt herself shift subtly forward as two strong arms wrapped themselves around her. She felt a kiss on her shoulder followed by an influx of gentle whispered words spoken directly into her ear. 

“You did so good, Cait.” Vi whispered from beside her. “We’re both right here, and everything is going to be okay. Look at her baby, she’s beautiful.” 

It took several minutes, but Caitlyn’s body slowly began to relax and her heart was released from the cold grip of grief. 

Her father watched her patiently. When he was sure that she had returned to herself he nodded in acknowledgement. He was no stranger to these feelings himself. 

“Are you ready?” He asked. 

Caitlyn nodded and Tobias’s smile returned, though noticeably sadder now. He set the newborn gently into her arms.

Caitlyn’s eyes flew to Lavender and began to note every detail of her. She really was the most beautiful thing Caitlyn had ever seen. It seemed her eyes had shut themselves in the last few moments, but there was no missing her adorably small nose, the collection of freckles that covered her cheek, or the smattering of dark purple hair on the top of her head. She was here and safe, and now her little family felt a little more full. The weight of the obvious absence tugged at the back of her mind, but this time, Caityn was able to push it away. There was someone here now that needed her full attention. 

Caitlyn took a moment to ground herself in the present. It wasn’t uncommon for her thoughts to slip into the past when her guard was down and now seemed to be one of those times. She slowly pulled herself out from underneath the comfort of her blanket and rolled her head around her shoulders.  There was some lingering tension in neck, so she stretched the area before moving to place her feet on the ground. It had been several weeks, but she found that she was still sore much of the time. 

Her new position allowed her to see a small ornate silver tray on the coffee table before her. Eating meals anywhere other than the dining room table had been a brand new concept to her after moving in with Vi, but she had really begun to enjoy the casualness of it. Too many nights had she sat at her family’s table with her back straight and her manners in perfect shape. 

She smiled at the sandwich and steaming cup of tea while reaching for the hastily written note that was tucked to the side of her dinner. 

‘Off to tuck in our sweet girl, be back in a few to bring you to bed.’

“And people still claim chivalry is dead.” She murmured to herself as she pulled her tray onto her lap and began to eat.

It was such a simple meal, but even still, it stood as a testament to Vi’s love for her. The bread had been sliced carefully to just the right thickness, the lettuce was crisp, and the meat had undoubtedly been picked up today when she and the baby had been sleeping. Everything was prepared just to her liking, not because she had ever asked for it to be that way, but because Vi had quietly observed how particular Caitlyn was when it came to her food. She had been raised in Piltover and had different experiences with food than Vi did, but the root of her pickiness was more sensory based and less having to do with the typical refined Piltovian palate. There were some foods that she simply couldn’t eat and Vi had picked up on that all on her own within just a few weeks of daily meals with Caitlyn. 

As Caitlyn continued to eat, she allowed her mind to wander once again. 

She remembered how she had been a bit unsettled when things had finally calmed down after the war and she and Vi had finally gotten to just… be. They had been left with far more questions than answers. What were you supposed to do after helping save the world? After losing so much? 

Well, they had both had differing opinions about that.

Vi chose to spend her time glued to Caitlyn’s side. She didn’t speak much back then, but Caitlyn could almost always feel her eyes on her, looking for some way to help, searching for some way to make Caitlyn feel better. It was almost as if focusing all of her energy on the needs of others was written in her DNA. There was never a time when Caitlyn needed something that it wasn’t handed to her just moments later. Her efforts were appreciated, but felt stifling as well. Caitlyn had spent a lot of time maneuvering the world on her own in the last few years, so Vi’s constant presence made her feel like she wasn’t capable of meeting her own needs. It had initially caused some real tension between them. Caitlyn was sensitive to the heat of her gaze and often misinterpreted it as judgement. In her experience, if people were paying her that much mind, they were judging her for something. For what exactly, she never knew, it often depended on the person or how much they knew about her family. It was something she had noticed from a young age,  and was just quiet whispers and people pointing in her direction. That had evolved into newspaper stories and gossip columns. 

“Kiramman Heir Still Unmarried, Who Will Be the Key to Her Love?” 

“Caitlyn Kiramman to Join Enforcers, Fashion Fail or Future Trend?”

Her luck with the media only seemed to worsen after the war, they became obsessed with her recovery and the new woman from Zaun that appeared to be ever present. 

“Commander Kiramman, Spotted Sporting New Eye Patch: What The New Color Could Mean For The Future of Piltover” 

With all of those eyes on her, what made Vi’s any different? What must she be thinking? Had Caitlyn been taking too long to recover? Could she stand the sight of her after what had happened to her eye? Why wouldn’t she stare and pity her? Everyone else certainly did. 

Caitlyn had expected these questions to be answered at some point, but never in the way they were.

A deep depression had gripped her for the better part of two weeks and it had been near impossible to do anything, let alone get herself up. Vi had been more than accommodating, bringing her meals, helping her brush her hair, and reading out case files so she could be up to date. It was a kind thing to do, but Caitlyn felt as if she wasn’t doing nearly enough, as if she were relying too heavily on Vi for things she felt she should have been doing herself. The guilt was enough to help her find the strength to get out of bed for long enough to get herself dressed. 

Her mind was buzzing with a series of negative thoughts, centering on all of the things that she felt she should be doing. She spent time examining herself in the mirror, both with her eye patch and without, truly lost in her own mind. It took her a few minutes to notice that Vi had been standing silently behind her, watching the whole scene. Caitlyn met her eyes in the mirror, there was a sharp edge to her own, but Vi’s remained soft, gentle even. 

Vi approached slowly and reached to put her arms around Caitlyn’s waist.

Caitlyn opened her mouth to finally call out Vi for the crimes she had fabricated in her mind, but Vi spoke first and threw her off completely, pulling her off the edge, just before she could fall. 

 “You look just as gorgeous when you’re wearing that eye patch as you are when you’re not you know.” She whispered into her neck.

Caityn felt her back stiffen, but only for a moment. She felt herself slowly start to lean back into Vi’s touch. Try as she might, she couldn’t help the safety and security she felt around this woman. 

“But… it’s not the same.” She said in a voice that was just above a whisper, her eyes beginning to water. 

Vi nodded, chewing on those words for a moment, before tilting her head to the side in a way that never failed to make Caitlyn smile. 

“No it’s not.” She finally responded, using her strong arms to pull Caitlyn in closer. 

Caitlyn turned her head to get a better view of Vi’s face, eye brows furrowed in confusion. 

“Things are so different now Cait, we are so different, but that change has meant that I get to be here with you. If things hadn’t changed, I’d still be in Stillwater and you’d still be wearing that ridiculous top hat to work everyday.”

Caitlyn’s eyes softened a fraction and a small smile tugged at her lips. 

“I won’t sit here and claim to have any idea what it feels like to lose all that you’ve lost, but I can say that I am so thankful everyday that you survived and I get to see all of the incredible things you have left to do.” Vi continued as she brought her thumb up and brushed it gently over the scar on Caitlyn’s left eye.

“Things are still going to be hard. I doubt we’re free of that, we may never really be. One thing I do know is that we’re still here and we are still fighting.”

Things finally began to feel lighter after that. The thoughts never went away fully, they both knew they never would. Caitlyn started to learn how to challenge and better her thoughts on that day and she never looked back. Unfortunately, as one door closes, another one always opens in its place. With Caitlyn finally on the mend both mentally and physically, Vi’s care tasks started to dwindle and her own wounds began to fester. Even with her best efforts to avoid it, Vi’s grief eventually caught up with her. 

While Vi had already gotten to see Caitlyn at her worst, even before they broke up, the roles had yet to be reversed. Caitlyn had no idea what to expect, or what difficulties were to come. She ended up getting to see first hand what she had missed in the months they were apart before the war. 

It was a slow, almost imperceptible decline, at least at first. Caitlyn found that she was so busy sorting out all she had missed, she didn’t start to notice things were amiss until they had grown to a fever pitch. Vi started to be around less and less, mostly claiming that she was going on patrols in and around Zaun to make sure things were going well there. There was still a fair amount of unrest between the two cities, especially with Sevika’s newer seat on the council and all of the legislation she was working to pass. 

Caitlyn had originally thought this was a wonderful idea, something that Vi could focus her energy into and for a cause that she was passionate about. Vi had thought so too and Caitlyn believed that to be more than enough cause to make that happen. What they hadn’t accounted for was the fact that Vi would be spending many hours a day on her own with nothing but her own guilt, shame, and dark thoughts for company. 

She began to throw herself into her work and began to put in 60-80 hour weeks, trying to find and solve every problem she could and help anyone who asked her for it. It was a noble pursuit, until it wasn’t. Even with all of time, energy and the backing of one of the richest families in the area, saving all of Zaun was a task that would require much more than what one woman could provide. People still got hurt, the systems still didn’t work as they should have, and she took it all to heart. So far in her life, she had been able to break down most of the barriers she was confronted with if she fought for long and hard enough. This wasn’t like that, and after a while, she realized there was only so much she could do. 

There were many times when Vi’d disappear for hours, only to return bloody and drunk, with tears in her eyes and apologies thick in her throat. Caitlyn had always just carried her in and helped to clean her up. She whispered to her that everything would be alright and tucked her into bed. Vi always curled into her chest and told her it would be the last time, that she didn’t have to worry about her, that she would find some way to fix this. In the late hours of the morning, they always believed those words were true, believing anything else would crumble their still shaky foundation.

It went on like that for a while, probably far longer than it needed to, but some part of both of them knew that they needed time. They didn’t let it tear them apart, though there were certainly times where it  threatened to. Seeing Vi in such a state broke Caitlyn’s heart. Her rock was being pummeled into dust before her eyes. 

It was on one exceptionally bad day that Caitlyn told her as much. Vi had been struggling since the moment she woke up, large black bags under her eyes and the weight of the world on her shoulders. She had woken suddenly and was already making her way to the front door before Caitlyn called out for her. This was a first for her, though it was long overdue.

“Violet, darling, please.” Her voice was tinged with sadness. “Don’t go.”

a

Vi paused, her back to her. Silent, but not running. A good sign. 

Caitlyn cleared her throat and mustered all of the confidence she could find. “I’ve never told you this, but it’s becoming increasingly more important that I do, before it’s too late.” 

Vi turned to face her, a question in her tired eyes. 

“I’ve started to have nightmares lately, ones that involve you walking out that door and never coming home and I can’t…” Her voice broke on the last word as tears began pouring out of her eyes. 

Vi closed the distance between them in quick strides. Her arms were around Caitlyn before the other girl could even catch her breath.

“Why are you doing this Vi? Why are you doing so much damage to yourself? If I’m not doing enough for you, I can do more,” Caitlyn nearly choked on her own sobs. “I can try harder… I can make more time for you, I-I’ll quit working with enforcers, I don’t care what it takes Vi, I just can’t lose you, not without losing what’s left of me.”

 “I don’t want you to have to give up anything Cait!” Vi pulled back, letting her go and taking a step back. 

“This is my weight to bear, it’s my fuckup, God, and it’s a laundry list of fuck ups. It’s not for you to worry about.”

“It’s not your fuck up Vi, do you hear yourself right now?  How is any of this your fault? You haven’t made a mistake, you just need help, for fucks sake!”

Vi’s eyes widened and then hardened before looking away from Caitlyn and towards the door. “I don’t need help Caitlyn.” Her words were sharp. 

Caitlyn almost withdrew, she felt like she was about to lose, but she persevered. This had to stop now, this could be their final stand, but she refused to let that happen. She knew intrinsically that neither of them wanted this and so she kept fighting. With a determined look in her eyes, Caitlyn  brought her arms up and set them on Vi’s shoulders. The shorter girl flinched but didn’t pull away.

“Vi, will you please look at me.” 

Vi hesitated and Caitlyn could see the gears in her head turning by the way her teeth were grinding in her mouth. She wanted to run, she wanted to be anywhere else in the world but here, but by some miracle she stayed. After a few moments, Vi’s eyes slid up to meet hers. 

“Thank you.” Caitlyn whispered before leaning forward slowly and placing her forehead on Vi’s. 

This time Vi responded positively and shifted her weight to lean more against Caitlyn. 

“I know that asking for help is not a luxury you were ever afforded, that you wouldn’t dream of it, even if you had. There is no question that you are the bravest person I’ve ever met, nor that you have the biggest heart. But…” Caitlyn held Vi’s jaw in both of her hands. “You are falling apart in front of me, my love.” 

Vi’s eyes softened and the stiffness in her muscles retreated. She collapsed into Caitlyn’s touch, never breaking eye contact. The weight of the world fell from her shoulders and Caitlyn was the only thing keeping her standing. 

Caitlyn took this as a very good sign and continued. “You are not alone in this fight Violet. I know that you are strong enough to take on any challenge thrown your way, but I swear to you that you no longer have to bear that weight alone. I will help you in every way that I can, and if I don’t have a solution yet for something, I will find one. I don’t care what it takes.” 

Vi’s eyes started to water. 

“I only need one thing from you right now okay my love?”

Vi nodded, the intensity of her eyes told Caitlyn that she’d do just about anything right now.

Caitlyn used this as motivation to push on “I need you to come home to me, I need you to stay safe, I need you to live. I want you to do that for yourself, but if you can’t do that just yet, then I need you to do that for me. Can you do that?” 

Vi sniffled and shook her head. 

“That’s three things she said.” Before cracking a mischievous smile.

Caitlyn scoffed and rolled her eyes before pulling Vi into the tightest hug she could manage.

“I’m not going anywhere, Cupcake. Not now, not ever. Thank you… for the reminder. I needed it more than I would have thought.” 

Caitlyn just nodded into Vi’s neck. Her words were spent, but she was relieved. They were going to make it after all. 

There had still been a lot of recovering to do, both mentally and physically for both of them, but neither party expected the other to heal overnight and that worked out well for them. Sometimes Vi still had bad days and Caitlyn would have to wash and bandage Vi’s freshly bloodied knuckles. The good news was that now it was from punching things that were actually meant to be punched, and alcohol was no longer a part of the equation. 

When all was said and done, it turned out that they weren’t really oil and water after all, they were more like a heart and lungs, both vital to each other’s survival and function. Caityn had shared this idea with Vi on a very good day amongst a sea of bad and had gotten the first smile out of her that she had seen in months. This idea allowed them to turn the tide and both of them finally started to settle into their new normal. 

This normal led them to continuing to make strong and healthy moves for their relationship. It started with their private engagement, courtesy of Vi’s proposal in the Kiramman’s garden of violets. Then there was their small, quiet wedding. Only a select few attended and it suited them quite well, though it didn’t really matter to either of them who showed up, they were too absorbed in each other’s beauty to care. 

Lavender came about soon after, an indirect wedding present from the late Jayce Talis. She hadn’t exactly been what either of them would call, ‘planned’ per se, but Heimerdinger had warned that hextech still had a ways to go before it should be introduced to the general public.

Caitlyn nearly choked on her tea as the memory of telling Vi she was pregnant came to mind. The look on Vi’s face when she told her was one that she wouldn’t soon forget. 

She smiled to herself as the memories from the past few years began to tuck themselves back into their homes within her mind. Moments of reflection like this were rare these days but never unwanted. Her life had played out in such a beautifully complicated way and it always felt like such a treat to relive it.

As Caitlyn finished her meal, she noticed Vi’s voice carrying down the hall as she spoke quietly to their daughter. Caitlyn’s smile softened as she turned her head to better appreciate the sound.

It had been a wonderful thing to hear Vi’s voice return to her and soften over the last few years. There was no more need for her to scream or plead or argue. Now she got to speak calmly, gently, and only when she wanted to, no longer because she had to. She got to spend her time sharing casual conversation with Caitlyn, reading passages aloud from her newest book, and on the best occasions, singing. This was Caitlyn’s favorite thing that Vi had picked up in recent months. She would hum and sing to Caitlyn’s belly whenever Lavender had gotten restless, or do as she was doing now and sing her lullabies to help her fall asleep. 

A soft melody drifted its way into Caitlyn’s ears and her smile fell just as quickly as it had grown. She knew this song, but how? She and Vi had discussed their own experiences and likes and dislikes when it came to music and there had been only minor overlaps in their knowledge base. Caitlyn couldn’t deny the tug of familiarity she felt, nor the deep, heart wrenching sadness that followed. With a quickness that she had not accomplished after giving birth, she jumped to her feet and made her way down the hall. 

As she drew nearer, she started to be able to make out the words.  

“I will meet you by the river, if I go before you do.”

The words registered in Caitlyn’s mind and the air was yanked from her lungs by an evil and violent source that she could not see, though it was an adversary that she knew well.

“I’m not gone, just gone ahead, waiting there for you.”

Tears sprang to her eyes as a wave of grief crashed over her. Caitlyn felt herself slide down the wall and pull her knees up to her chest as she was flooded with memories from her past. 

“I will meet you by the River, and when your time is through, we’ll cross over hand in hand cuz it’s not heaven til I’m with you”

She saw flashes of her mother tucking her into bed and kissing her good night, before seeing herself get lifted gently off the ground and pulled into her mother’s chest after she had fallen and scraped her knee, and finally opening a small, carefully wrapped present on her 18th birthday. All of the memories were overlaid with the song coming from her daughter’s room. Caitlyn pulled her sweater up to her mouth and buried her face in her lap to try and muffle her sobs. 

Her efforts proved to be less effective than she hoped. Before long, the soft padding of socked feet could be heard moving hurriedly in her direction. 

“Cait? Hey,” Vi whispered as she knelt down beside her. “What’s wrong baby? Are you okay? Are you hurt? Should we call your dad?”

Caitlyn shook her head firmly twice before throwing herself into Vi’s arms. Vi caught her with ease and pulled her in close. No more words were exchanged, there didn’t need to be, Vi just knew. 

They sat in a heavy, yet comfortable silence until Caitlyn felt  the air start to return to her lungs and the gaping hole in heart shrink down to a more tolerable size. She had accepted a long time ago that the hole would never get any smaller, no matter how much time passed or how much she wished to be rid of it. At least now, she knows now that it won’t swallow her whole. It had been five years ago now since Jinx and Silco and… the bombing. Since the moment when she started down the path that made her nearly lose herself and everyone and everything she loved. 

Caitlyn buried her head deeper into her wife. Vi’s grip on her tightened. She held steady, just as she always had, like an ancient tree standing up to a raging wind. She never questioned, she never faltered, and most importantly, she never rushed her. Her patience and kindness knew no bounds. 

Eventually Caitlyn regained the strength to speak. In a hoarse voice that came out just above a whisper, she asked, “Where did you hear that song?” 

Vi looked down at her with wide eyes, not having expected what just came out of her mouth. She furrowed her brows and thought for a moment. She cleared her throat. 

“It’s, uh, it’s one of the ones my mom used to sing to… to us when we were young.” Vi’s own voice had grown thick and strained as tears began to form in the corners of her eyes.

 “We heard it one of the few times we actually made it up topside. My mom was running an errand to get some extra money for Powd… Jinx’s birthday.” Vi swallowed before beginning again. “Someone was singing it inside their house and we heard it when we walked by the window. We all kind of liked it so my mom held onto it.” 

Vi wiped sharply at the tears now spilling down her face. Caitlyn reached up and gently moved Vi’s hand away so that she could wipe away the tears that remained. She bit her lip before sighing and pulling her necklace out from underneath the neck of her sweater. She rubbed her thumb over the words engraved there before finally speaking again. 

“My mom used to sing me that song, quite often actually. Every night before bed when I was young and then occasionally in my darkest moments as I got older.”

She held up the necklace charm so that Vi could get a good look. The dim light of the hallway caught on the inscription. It’s not heaven ‘til I’m with you. 

Vi’s eyes traced over the letters for a beat before her smile returned to her face. 

“Maybe it was your mom we heard singing it! Hell, I don’t even care if it wasn’t, that’s how I’m going to remember it from now on.” 

Caitlyn beamed up at her. “That is a lovely thought.”

Vi stood slowly and offered her hand to Caitlyn. “Come on Cupcake, there is a nice warm bed and a pair of the finest arms Piltover has ever seen with your name on them.”

Caitlyn reached up to accept her help and scoffed. “And what exactly are my rifles doing in our bed?” 

Vi rolled her eyes, but smiled wide. “Aw come on Cait, you know that’s not…”

Her rebuttal was interrupted by the sound of soft whimpering that quickly progressed to full on cries coming from the nursery. 

“Damn, I thought I had her down in one go this time. I knew it was too good to be true.” 

Caityn put her hand on the small of Vi’s back and nudged her forward towards the room. 

“That’s alright my love, let me help. I wanted to see her before bed anyway, I already feel like I’ve been away from her for too long.” 

“I’m sure she’d love to see you. In fact,” Vi smiled thoughtfully. “I bet she’d love to hear us duet your special song.” 

Caitlyn paused mid-step. “Do you really think so?” 

It was an unusual moment of hesitation from the normally confident woman. 

Vi nodded. “I do and if memory serves, the woman I heard it from the first time had an absolutely beautiful voice. Seeing as she was your mom, I think you’re perfect for the job.” 

Caitlyn blushed and continued to close the distance to her daughter. “Well, if you insist.” 

Vi scooped Lavender out of her crib and began to gently rock her back and forth. She nodded over to Caitlyn and gave her an encouraging smile. “You’re up.” She whispered. 

Caitlyn closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and began to sing. As she looked into her daughter's eyes and shared the words that her mother had shared with her all of those years ago, the charm around her neck seemed to warm ever so slightly. It could have been the warmth of the room, but Caitlyn knew better.